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I'm.... still confused..


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I posted this..

 

 

 

and this..

 

 

 

I'm trying to figure out how I feel. Meanwhile, my wife threatens with suicide. She keeps saying that she's worthless and needs to just go away. She says that she's not worth it for any of us. She keeps texting me that she loves me and knows I want to work it out, too. I finally texted her back to leave me alone, when I'm with her I hate myself, and it will never work out. She texted me that she was getting my middle daughter out of school, and taking my youngest daughter to nursery.

 

That was a red flag to me. Her and my middle daughter have a very special bond. So, I called her from work. She was crying and told me that she was going to visit her mom. Her mom is dead. So, I didn't know if this meant the grave... or...... I asked her why she was getting my middle daughter out of school, and she said, "to take her with me." I said - WHAT?

 

She then told me she planned to drive to the grave, od on some medicine and rest on a blanket with my middle daughter, telling her she was "going to sleep." It was about 10:30. I told her I had an 11:30 meeting, but please dont go anywhere, I'll call when I get out. She said, ok. I hopped in my car, drove home, and came in the backdoor. She had written a "goodbye" letter to each of my daughters, but I caught her before she did anything. I loaded her up and took her to the hospital where they admitted her.

 

She says nothing good can come of this. She seems humiliated and ashamed. THe hospital has assigned a "baby sitter" to watch her. I feel very bad for taking her up there.

 

This whole event has caused me to realize I do love her. When I'm around her, though, I feel bad about myself (see other post)... I see her differently than I used to. I dont see the flawless beauty that I used to. I see blemishes now.

 

I dont know what to do, did I do the right thing by taking her to the hospital? I dont know if I see her "blemishes" because I'm in love with my girlfriend or because my wife has hurt me so badly I'm done with her. I will say that when she moved out, I felt an ease I haven't felt in a long time. I feel bad, now, for feeling that way.

 

Any thoughts?

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First of all, you absolutely did the right thing. You stopped your wife from killing herself and saved your children from anger and heartbreak that I doubt few people who have not experienced it can understand. Killing yourself destroys your whole family.

 

Second, which one of us is not blemished? Who amongst us is perfect?

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Yet again, I am gobsmacked at the stuff going on in your life. So, to update, you had to put your wife in the hospital because she was going to kill herself, and from the sounds of it, possibly your two kids. Just another day in the life for you of course.

 

You need, desperately, desperately need, to talk a psychiatrist who knows your wife and who can give you more insight and perspective. Personally, I think she really has lost her mind. She may get it back, but just at the moment, she's crazy. So, it's not only okay that you took her to the hospital, it was the right, responsible thing to do. Suicidal people who have lost their minds and may kill other people need to go to hospital. You've probably averted a huge disaster.

 

Now, you are concerned because you don't see the "flawless beauty" you used to. Everybody sees issues with the people they love. Being perfect is not a precondition to being lovable, and if you need someone to be perfect in order to love them, that's not a good thing. We see the blemishes and love them anyway. Your unique talent seems to be that you can convince yourself that someone is perfect if you love them. That's wonderful. It's not necessary, though. It's okay if you don't think someone is perfect; it doesn't mean you didn't love them enough.

 

Do not take your wife back. Hold off on raising the new girlfriend up on the pedestal, though; you might want to rethink that whole idealization thing right now.

 

Good luck.

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I read your other posts, and I don't really think I can even begin to tell you how to fix or improve things.

 

Sorry, but things seem like your wife took you down a very dangerous path, and that things blew up because of it, and now she, well, she's got big issues with herself. I don't know where and how to begin.

 

In large part, I think you boht need to realize that the solutions to your problems are not out there, but inside of both of you. Good luck finding them.

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I've never been married, but I have had a friend commit suicide so I can't really offer any advice, just a personal observation.

 

When my buddy did it, that morning he and I went for a run like we always did. Nothing seemed different at the time. In retrospect, maybe there were a few things that I should have picked up, but my memories could be clouded by what I knew happened later. That night he ran the car in his garage. He left a note to his parents and that was it. There was no cry for help, he didn't hint at it to any of us. We all knew he was going through a rough patch but there weren't any tell tale signs nor weird phone calls.

 

The only reason why I'm saying this is because he wanted death more than anything in the world, and what I'm seeing in your situation (again, I'm young and I don't know everything so take it with a grain of salt) is she wants the sympathy and attention more than anything. She wants someone to take care of her, but she doesn't want the nurse prescribed type. If she really wanted to die, she would have hid it and her motives as much as possible and there wouldn't have been any opportunity for you to intervene.

 

You did a great thing, and maybe you do love her. But realize that the type of love she wants may not be what she needs. My granddad always says "Offer a shoulder, but never carry 'em... it'll only weaken both of yer legs."

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Thanks for your comments, everybody.. I can't believe how insightful this crowd is.

 

I just got back from the psychiatric ward, and feel very bad for her. There's obviously people with many problems, there. It seems weird that they would mix depression in with the other stuff as they might get more depressed. She's very unhappy there. I think you are right, though, and it was the best thing to do with the knowledge I had.

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confused70,

 

You definitely did the right thing. Your wife seems to be in a very dark place and is manipulating and hurting the ones she loves to fulfill some selfish desire. She feels trapped by her own actions and is ashamed of herself, but was willing to commit suicide infront of her own daughter, probably permanantly damaging her psychologically (not to mention what her suicide would have done to the family anyway). She definitely needs help, and you need to focus now on your own mental state and make sure your children have some sort of stability in their home so they can feel safe and loved.

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Well.. I'm doubting myself now.. When I visited last night, I was very uncomfortable, people were singing, talking to themselves, etc.. She's depressed, not the same as them. I'm allowed to visit for one hour per day.

 

When she checked in last night, the clerk had her sign privacy papers. She stopped to read them, and the guy said, "Just sign them. I'm not making you sign your life away."

 

I haven't had the chance to talk to her doctor yet. I called at 9 when I was told he would be in. They said he should be in at any time. I called at 9:30, 10:00, 10:30, 11:00, 11:30, 12:15.. Then they told me I just missed him. I called him at his office.

 

My wife called from that place. She said she asked for some liquid tylenol and was told it wasnt prescribed, she couldnt have any. Because she's had bariatric surgery, she cant have many pills, and the doctor scheduled her to take pills tonight. So, she was a little worried about that. She said the doctor visited her for a few minutes, told her she would be there for a week, and left.

 

I went back to calling his office. I called several times, finally I left a more menacing message, and his assistant returned my call. She said that he was aware of her bariatric surgery, and his prescription was fine for that. I said ok, please have him call me when he gets a chance, I would like to discuss the longevity of this arrangement. No call back.

 

I'm happy that I dont have to worry about her, but this is out of control. Before I checked her in, I was confused about my own emotions, unsure of what to do. Not sure if I could ever feel good about myself again, not sure if it mattered. Now I can throw a strong feeling of "guilt" into the hat for how she's being treated now.... ;(

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You did the right thing.

 

She needs psychiatric help.

 

Don't feel sorry for her.

 

Don't try to protect her. Don't enable her any longer!

 

And as far as your attempts at making decisions on being with her. Are you still seeing your girlfriend? If so, there's no way that you can make a rational decision on all of this.

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You did the right thing.

 

She needs psychiatric help.

 

Don't feel sorry for her.

 

Don't try to protect her. Don't enable her any longer!

 

And as far as your attempts at making decisions on being with her. Are you still seeing your girlfriend? If so, there's no way that you can make a rational decision on all of this.

 

How very ironic that you should mention that... Last night I called her after I saw my wife, and told her that I felt very guilty even talking to her. She of course, had her feelings hurt. She said even though my wife "set us up", she has felt like a home wrecker.

 

I JUST got off the phone with her (girlfriend) when she told me I need to take care of my stuff first, until then she wouldn't see me. I know that's the right thing to do. I hurt so bad right now. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and am so lonely. I can't breathe... (hard to believe I'm 36 and acting like such a baby..) 2006 sucks.. a lot.

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Ok firstly i have never been married and i'm only 15 so to be honest i have no idea what you are going through... But my mum has threatened to kill herself many times (although never attempted thank god) and i know quite a few people who suffer from depression.

 

There is no question that you did what was right. You took her somewhere safe when you thought she could take her own life. What else were you to do. No person with a heart would have left her. So please don't think you did anything wrong! Secondly you are not acting like a baby! Whatever age you are this would drain you. Its a huge thing to go through and i hope you have someone you can talk to about it all because you need to get it off your chest. I know it must have hurt losing your girlfriend but she was right you do need your time to pick yourself back up and get over this huge step in your life ok. You need some time and space. As for wether she will be diagnosed with bipolar i can not answer for obvious reasons but even if she is there is treatment out there now. People can get help.

 

You did the right thing confused, although she might not like where she is at the moment she is at no harm to herself.

 

Also one question how are your children taking this, espeacially the middle child if as you said they had a close bond she must be incrediably upset? Has she said anything about it?

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Also one question how are your children taking this, espeacially the middle child if as you said they had a close bond she must be incrediably upset? Has she said anything about it?

 

She is upset.. She wet the bed last night and hasn't done that in years.. I've been taking her to therapy. She seems to be coping, and as far as she knows mom is in the hospital because "she doesn't feel well." Only my oldest daughter knows, she is 16 and can handle it easier... Although, she has said that mom is an "attention * * * * *."

 

One more thing that's been making me uncomfortable. When I come to visit her, she is all over me, and I feel... nothing. no connection. She'll say things like, "when I move back in" or "you love me and want to work it out, I know..." I'll say something like, "I'm willing to go to therapy with you, but we dont know how it's going to go, and you have to be prepared for that." I dont know how else to respond, because that's the truth.

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As the others have said confused70, you did the right thing.

 

And to be frank, it's not just depression is it? She's had a complete personality issue since she lost the weight from the sounds of things. She has had some form of severe breakdown and she is in the best place to help her with that.

 

From all the awful stuff that had happened, this is the logical and best outcome. Not that her attempting suicide is positive but you kind of knew that was a possibility before anyway. Now she is where she needs to be, and your children are safe. In terms of how awful and confused you must have felt in the past when hurtful, dangerous and painful things were happening, surely this position, right here, right now, is better?

 

I'm sure it doesn't feel like that, you've been through so much. But this will pass, you are holding strong and will continue to do so. It is wise for you and your girlfriend to have some space though. You don't need to know exactly how you feel about your wife or her right now, but you do need the space to just live and get through things without any more trauma or 'material' to think about. I think that once you've had the chance to process things, had a chance to calm down and get through each day without more trauma, you might be a better position to decide what feels right. Get some equilibrium.

 

It is right for you to be there in some capacity for your wife right now given your history and your children together. How about you hold off on anything more than basic support though until you have some spare capacity to offer...

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Well you can't blame your eldest for seeing her in a bad way although what she said was wrong i do understand where she is coming from. I'm glad you're taking the middle child to theropy that should make things easier for her.

 

She needs to accept that you can't say you're going back to how things were but you can't explain that to her. It'll take a professional and time for her to realise. You're doing the right thing by saying it calmly to her and by not making a huge deal over it just keep that up and never agree with what she says.

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How very ironic that you should mention that... Last night I called her after I saw my wife, and told her that I felt very guilty even talking to her. She of course, had her feelings hurt. She said even though my wife "set us up", she has felt like a home wrecker.

 

I JUST got off the phone with her (girlfriend) when she told me I need to take care of my stuff first, until then she wouldn't see me. I know that's the right thing to do. I hurt so bad right now. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and am so lonely. I can't breathe... (hard to believe I'm 36 and acting like such a baby..) 2006 sucks.. a lot.

 

You are not being a baby. Your whole world has been shaken. Your girlfriend has been your focus through this. Your breath of fresh air. You cannot make rational decisions while she's in the picture.

 

My next suggestion is that you do not see your wife for at least 48 hours. She needs to suck this up. She needs to review her life. She needs to be held accountable for her actions. Nobody should be babying her or allowing her to feel like a "victim." I think a psychologist would agree with this.

 

Yes, your 16 year old daughters opinion of her being an attention ***** is not respectful. But I think your wife may be in this for the attention. She wants YOUR attention and doesn't want it to be divided with anyone else.

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confused70, I really don't mean to say this to insult or offend yu, but I read a bit of your story, and quite frankly, I saw two things as being lacking in your relationship: values; and your spine. In regard to the first, you did as your wife lead you to do, and that's not going to work for most people. In some relationships the man can let his wife wear the pants, but not all that many. And frankyl, when it gets to a point of being disrepsectful, it cannot work at all, and you may really have passed that point. Values, values, what kind of values did your children learn by you both being with different people, by having girlfriends when married etc. I'm not going to tell you open relationships cannot work, but in those I have heard of that did work, the relationship was open for some things not others. Yours was open for seemingly everything.

 

I don't know how to tell you to proceed from her on out, but I would hope you think about both of those things.

 

Good luck.

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I guess it would probably appear that way... The only thing I can say is that she is the ONLY relationship I have ever been in, it scared me very much to lose her. Additionally, she was neglecting the kids. Because she had no job or skills, i would have to move out to break-up. That would have left the kids in an exposed condition (unless I moved them out, too).. Anyhow, it seemed pretty hopeless.

 

Also, since 2005, I've been very dizzy, forgetful, and indecisive. I've been to my doctor like 5 times and had my blood pressure medicine changed constantly. Finally (this sounds funny), I couldn't sleep, and there was an infomercial about stress and anxiety that I identified with. I got some literature and that was definitely it. That was about the same time this happened, I got to a therapist towards the middle of it. Things aren't what they always appear in those situations to one with those conditions.

 

Yes, though.. All boundaries were violated.

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Oh my God.. I am so sorry you have been going through all of this!!

 

I feel so sorry that your wife took you for granted and you let her take you for granted. It is VERY sad she had a loving husband who thought the world of her but it wasn't enough for herself.

 

I don't know that this marriage can be revived.... it isn't impossible, but it sure will take a lot. But noone knows what the chances even are yet because both of you have not gone through any therapy together (and she also needs a separate therapy for herself as well) to speak out about and deal with all of the emotions.

 

I do think it is time you make her understand that she no longer controls you though. Yes, she has been controlling you all this time... she has done a very good job to twist your mind into accepting everything she has done and to let her set you up into another relationship.

 

Even now she is doing her little bit of trying to hang onto any form of control she can get...and the best she can do now is by hanging all over you and always talking about "when I will move back in" etc.. to try and get you to agree with her.

 

I know you have been telling her basically "no not yet" and I just hope you are doing so firmly. If she tries to touch you in any way, you need to just back off. I also don't think you should be visiting her everyday either. Not to be cruel, but you need some time away for yourself as well.

 

 

I hope that the therapy sessions will come soon for the two of you and another one just for herself as well.

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