Sex with Friend, Not so Great!?!?!?

[NyGentleman]

Ok well to make a long story short, ive been friends with a girl for 2yrs, we finally crossed over that friend/more than friends line..but its been a bumpy ride so far (ex issues etc..) and its been interesting to say the least in the intimacy dept. Everything was great up until today, when we both made the decision to step up and see what sex was like, being that we experienced just about everything else together (just note we arent together yet, and the ex, hers is still around trying to mess with her head, it may be important after reading all this to take that into consideration)...Well anyway we get into it and well as fast as we got into it, it was equally over, both of us just stopping saying it was weird...we tried different positions etc..nothing worked...so we stopped and that was that...what does this mean??? We were both very much into eachother up until that huge detour in the road, now what??

[renaissancewoman101]

I would not have sex with a friend because it will change your "friendship" and can cause some irreparable damage to it. If you guys have feelings for each other, date each other, but dont do the FWB (friends with benefits) thing because one of you guys will develop stronger feelings for the other and if it is not reciprocated, can lead to frustration, hurt and anger, and cause the friendship to breakup.

 

Since you guys have done it and feel no sparks, I would refrain from doing it again.

[chai714]

As far as sex goes, getting her to want it is key. This process involves getting into her head first (pants second). Perhaps next time a change of setting might help, along with other seduction techniques. Some of the best sexual encounters generally occur when both people least expect to have it.

 

*As long as she's still dealing with her ex in any way, I would stay away from her. You can always re-approach later when she has her head and emotions straight.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, it's hard to shift gears sometimes when you have been friends for so long without sex, and if you approach the sex as an experiment to 'see how it goes' rather than as fun it could derail the experience with too high expectations...

 

having said that, i had a friend for 5 years but we had always been attracted to each other but involved with others, until we finally decided to cross the line... it was awkward for about 1 minute when we started kissing, then just explosive and great after that, couldn't get enough of each other.

 

so is this really a friendship you are trying to force into a sexual attraction, or is there is just too much baggage right now related to prior relationships to really relax?

 

if you are really committed to trying to have a physical relationship with her, then i'd slow down a bit and agree that a little out of bed seduction with no pressure is warranted... she may just not be over her prior relationship yet, so starting slow like with a normal date might be in order, with dinner, drinks, dancing, making out on the couch while watching TV whatever, etc. But if after relaxing the pressure there are still no sparks, then i would say that it is just not meant to be as a romance, or she is really still hung up on her prior boyfriend and no one would feel comfortable for her right now (and you're picking up on that)...

[itsallgrand]

It just wasn't right? It happens. Makes sense given that there are still things to be worked out.

 

Plus, the circumstances don't sound very sexy. 'We've done everything else, might as well have sex!' Well, that's a sh/y reason. Almost seems like you just wanted to get it over with - to know each other that long, and tease that long, that you just wanted it done. lol.

[Marco311]

I always find it amusing when men try to maintain friendships with women they are attracted to. More often than not, it always ends in a pickle. Rule of thumb my friend, generally speaking, men cannot befriend women like women can befriend men.

[chai714]

I live by a simple rule regarding female friends. If I am attracted to them, they can not be my "friend." Why? Because a real friend won't ever try to kiss you.

[Cardinal]

chai,

 

I would probably state it a little differently and make room for exceptions, but I agree overall. I'd make an exception for attractive married women for one....things like that. Lines I won't cross.

[NyGentleman]

Well the problem wasnt so much that we werent into it, everytime we see eachother the sexual feelings just go crazy, its been like that for months now...just we never thought of having sex bc that was more of a big move..So in essense i think we did put to much emphasis on it in that way, as well as thought about it right before it happened way to much...I think if we just did it in the midst of other things, we would have enjoyed it more...but being it was the first time we both felt very weird after with good reason...

 

What im worried about is if it happens again and again no sparks, does that mean it just isnt meant to be, even though in every other area of the relationship things are great?

[chai714]

chai,

 

I would probably state it a little differently and make room for exceptions, but I agree overall. I'd make an exception for attractive married women for one....things like that. Lines I won't cross.

 

I should have implied that I meant what I said in regards to single women. Of course, married women are not on my list of targets.

 

NYGentlemen - I don't think sex should be a planned out process with her. If it is, then it takes away from the act itself (unless you're trying to have a child). I suspect you two may have been too nervous - afterall, it's a situation in which you two weren't familiar with (with each other) so at times that can impact performance. As far as sexual chemistry goes - I believe you either have it or you don't. Sexual techniques however can be learned to improve your sexual relations. There are plenty of books and websites dedicated to this type of stuff. Have fun and good luck.

[NyGentleman]

Chai,

Your absolutely right, i think it was more nerve racking than anything which ultimately ruined it from the start...but i think it will happen again, not scheduling it by any means just have a feeling...hopefully it will be better...thanks for your opinion and everyone else's...only thing that sits in the back of my head is that this is a tru test to see if the sparks are really there between two close friends, and if not than that would be a devestating way to find out things arent meant to be.....