He is driving me crazy!

[phillygal]

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months. When i first met him, i wasn't sure if i was attracted to him, but we had quite alot of things in common, so i figured i would see where things would go. He on the other hand, was really into me and was always suggesting for us to hang out, or he would always tell me how beautiful i was. He was very affectionate towards me, which made me uncomfortable at times, because i just felt like everything was moving too fast. Because i wasn't sure if i was really into him, i didn't care much about his feelings and i would make him jealous on purpose. I would say things like, i'm hanging out with my male friend tonight, etc..... He would get very jealous and upset, which i found kind of amusing, because i wasn't even his girlfriend. We argued alot as well, because he always felt like i was disrespecting him or being hurtful. Anyway's a few weeks went by and i started slowly developing feeling for him, but by that time i guess he was getting fed up with me.

 

I told him i was sorry if i had ever hurt him or disrespected him. That i wanted us to start over and forget about the past month. He agreed to it, so i thought everything was fine. But this past weekend, he didn't call me at all and i didn't call him because i figured he would call plus he had went out of town. I didn't think too much of it, i figured he was having fun. But on Monday i called him and he didn't answer his phone so i text messaged him for him to call me back. He never did. That was unusual cause we talked practically every day. On Tuesday, i called him at work to ask him what was going on, he said everything was fine. I told him i missed him as i hadn't seen him in almost 5 days, he said he missed me too. So i asked if i could come over after work, he said no because he was going to watch a movie at a girl's house. He knew i would get upset by him saying that, he then said he had to get back to work and he would call me later.

 

It is now Friday and he hasn't called me. I would've assumed he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, but he emails me at work everyday. He'll talk about random things, trying to get me engaged in a conversation, but i always answer back with short answers. He's acting like nothing is wrong, and it hurts that he's doing that. If he can't be bothered to call me, why is he emailing me? I feel like he's playing games or is trying to punish me or maybe he's trying to go the friend's route. I just wish i knew what he was thinking. I want to ask him in an email what is going on, but i know he'll say everything is fine, which it clearly isn't. What does all this mean and if he doesn't want to call me or talk to me again, then why does he email me everyday?

[Caterina]

We all make mistakes. We learn from them. I think you should get up and leave this one b/c there is not much left.

[annie24]

he said no because he was going to watch a movie at a girl's house.

 

uh......... why did he say this? to piss you off, or because he was really going over to another girl's house?

 

why don't you just ask him, straight out, "what is going on between us?"

[blondebombshelter]

Mmm. sounds like he might be giving you back some of your own treatment!? Seeing another girl on his first night back from being away is a bit of a worry.

 

I think it could be a few things:

 

1. He's playing games and waiting for your response. He still really likes you. I would act like not a thing is wrong and you haven't even noticed. Don't give him any sort of payoff at all for such pathetic game playing. And analyse whether this sort of manipulation is what you really want long term.

 

2. He's cooling off you or likes this other girl. He might also be now enjoying a bit of revenge. Definitely act like you haven't even noticed and get over him. He could even be the type of guy who has short lived crushes on a string of women and his emotions are meaningless and shallow.

 

3. Some guys come on really strong to start off with and that inevitably has to even out. Maybe he's just busy at work, nothing's wrong. The other girl might just be a platonic friend. He might think emails are a perfectly acceptable way to stay in touch. Just wait it out, don't chase him and see what happens. Vent onto this forum rather than to him!

[phillygal]

Thanks for your responses, Caterina and Annie24. Annie, he made that comment to make me mad. He said he was going to watch a movie at a female friend's house, but i remember him telling me he didn't even have any female friends. I honestly think he's just trying to get back at me for everything i might've done. I feel in a way i do deserve it, but i wish he would just cut off all contact with me, rather than still send me emails. I'm trying to appear calm and not get mad at him, cause i know this will push him away even further. I just can't figure out what he's trying to do.

 

I had asked him on Tuesday if everything was ok to which he responded yes. If he doesn't want to tell me what's wrong, there's nothing i can do about it. I really do miss him, but i also realise i'm largely to blame for this situation, oh well

[DN]

But this past weekend, he didn't call me at all and i didn't call him because i figured he would call plus he had went out of town.

 

Perhaps he thought that you were reverting to the same treatment that you had given him before. He has to do all the work and you sit back and let him. Why would you not call him?

[rocio]

He would get very jealous and upset, which i found kind of amusing,

 

I find that kind of behavior amusing too. It doesn't bother, for some reason, it just amuses me. Because what it comes down to is that nobody can control you without your permission.

 

Are you sure you want to be with this guy? He started off the relationship with jealousy and a bit of controlling.

 

And now he is clearly playing games and trying to mess with your head.

 

But if you truly want to be with him, then ride this out. Go along with it and don't be bothered by his silly behavior. Eventually it will blow over and you will regain his trust.

[phillygal]

Thank u all for your responses, this situation was really bothering me. Everything you guys say makes sense and as for me wanting to be with him, i don't know anymore. I know i like him, but i also know how jealous and insecure he is, plus i don't think he'll ever trust me. He was constantly accusing me of doing things with other men, even though i told him he was the only guy i was talking too. I mean i can't help it if i have male friends.

 

I kinda hope he'll call one day and we can try again, but i feel like it's too early for us to be having these problems and we haven't even been intimate yet, although we came close. I guess i'll follow hazy_amber's advice and just ride it out. I refuse to beg and plead for him to talk to me. He know's i care about him and when or if he ever wants to talk, he can call me because i will not be calling him again.

[Lansing]

I think you are playing games by keeping your e-mail responses short. Why don't you interact with him like you would if everything was okay....

 

I think he was hurt by the way you were acting before. If you want to make it up to him and be with him still then you need to stop playing games also and open up more with him. Take the risk if he is worth it.

[bighair]

Hi Phillygal:

 

Why don't you open up to this guy and talk to him the way you're talking to people on this post? You can ride it out, or you can take a chance and let him know where you're coming from.

 

Also, perhaps I misunderstood, why are you amused when he says he's out with a female friend? Why did you need to make this guy feel jealous when he clearly expressed his interest in you? I know that I have behaved this way because of my own insecurities, and to have my partners constantly reassure me that I'm number one in their lives and that i'm special. It was attention seeking behavior.

 

Looking back, it caused me and my boyfriends a lot of pain and confusion. It's unnecessary. It's tempting to fall into that behavior, but it isn't productive.

 

I do commend you for being honest enough to admit that your behavior may have contributed to the current problem. Not many people would be able to do that.

[Batya33]

I had a similar situation although it was earlier on in the dating process - we were trying to plan our third date and he cancelled on me but kept emailing and if I didn't respond right away he would email that he "missed emailing with me". But, if I suggested we reschedule the date, he evaded the issue. After a back and forth for several days I believe I emailed him that if he was interested in rescheduling to feel free to contact me but that otherwise I didn't have time for an email buddy. That was the last I heard other than he kept viewing my profile.

 

Here is what I would do - similar to what I did. Next time he emails write "I enjoy emailing with you but I'm really busy right now. If you want to see me in person, let me know what works for you and if I am free we'll get together. Otherwise, I have enough e-mail friends in my life for now and it seems like that is the extent of contact you wish to have right now.

 

I think he is keeping you on the hook in case things don't work out with another woman he is pursuing. Since you are not that into him -- other than maybe the current challenge of his unavailability -- it shouldnt be too difficult to separate from him.

[rmpavlock]

This doesn't sound like a good way to start a relationship. It sounds like he's giving you a taste of what you did to him, but does that really get anyone anywhere? It certainly doesn't sound like much fun. I would keep my options open.