Oh Dear Me - Inadequacy, Regrets

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I was at my boyfriend's house this morning as he talked on the phone to his older sister.

 

He was lying in bed next to me and I could hear enough to know they were going through routine "How's The Family" stuff.

 

Talking about their younger sister, who is 19, my boyfriend's sister mentioned laughingly how now she'd got a stethoscope, she was "attacking everyone with it".

 

When my boyfriend got off the phone, I asked him what his sister studied - he told me once, ages ago, but I forgot. I had the idea it was something healthcare/medical related.

 

He told me she was training to be a doctor. I then just fell apart. I cried solidly for half an hour.

 

This isn't about his sister in particular (I have seen photos of a nice looking girl and met her for 5 seconds in passing), it's about envy of anyone who does what I wanted to do.

 

Today, my biggest achievement was to eat a candy bar and a sandwhich without harming myself or puking it back up. Then I hear about someone, virtually the same age as myself, who not only is thin and attractive in an acceptable/normal way, but has held down many parttime jobs whilst studying, has a healthful but not overactive social life, etc.

 

I'm not saying this girl is superhuman/amazing. Of course everyone has faults. But it's a horrible, sick reminder.

 

I've realised so much of my self hatred is sheer resentment of myself that I was just incompatible with the Chemistry element I'd have needed to go to medical school. Combined with severe social/emotional difficulties and an eating disorder, this added up to a major jealousy attack.

 

I don't imagine that no one has problems - do not misunderstand me, and I know full well that a lot of people who *have it all* are in fact unhappy in some area or another in their lives.

 

But I lack even the ability to put up a facade. Many days, I can't even face a 5 minute conversation with fairly old/established friends.

 

Life wouldn't be life without problems. But I'd like standard problems, not special problems that alienate me. I'd like to have the OPTION of appearing normal if I wanted to.

 

I'd like the OPTION of ducking out of my persona which time and time again is seen as *temperamental/eccentric etc*.

 

I'm not sure I'm communicating things clearly here - I don't want to be like everyone else. I suppose I want two things-

 

1) the ability to blend in with the crowd if I should ever choose to do so

2) to be less burdened at 18 with so much regret, so much grief, so much struggle, etc etc etc

 

I know I have an anger problem, an eating disorder..and I know that psychiatry doesn't help me.

 

 

I feel so ridiculously insignificant, so disposable.

[Dako]

You have obstacles, and you're dealing with them. At 18 many people are unable to do what you can. You've always impressed me as a woman with a big future.

His sister is a rare exception, but there's no doubt you are too.

 

We can't always see the opportunties in our future, but they're still there.

I truly admire you.

[Bethany]

Are you on Lithium or any mood stabilizing medication of any kind? Unless there is a medcial reason why you can't, I don't understand why you haven't been prescripted this already?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I have been offered it twice, declined it twice. The only way they are getting psych meds down me is if I'm sectioned. This is my informed, heavily-researched choice, in conjunction with objective facts from my doctor.

 

Until I really lose it, they can't touch me.

[blueangel]

You are very real with yourself and in writing this to the forum. I like that thereforeeee I like you. You've got yourself a story not many of those "shallow" peeps can top. So let yourself out there. Solutions come faster when you do. It's okay to let someone see.

 

And you're doing that right now.

 

My advice to you depends on what you want.

 

If you want to be happy and move on, realize that other career oppertunites exist. Let go.

If you want to become who you are trying to be, keep trying. It happens when you don't give up.

If you want someone to support you mainly so you are not alone in these decisions, come here but also to at least one person in the "flesh" world (eww that sounds gross!) People generally don't refuse someone help- they may seem to neglect most of the time, but if you communicate "real" needs, they are more likely to respond the way you want. (I say real, because most times people miscommunicate themselves to others... making the "comforter" believe that they should help the "victim of circumstances and human nature" by getting them different help like professional types instead of just another heart who understands... and who can see. Basically, sometimes you gotta guide people to ya! That's what I did with my parents. One day I was like, "All I want is attention!")

[robowarrior]

Jesus christ superstar what are you doing to yourself? What you have to do is to love yourself 'unconditionally' ,believe and support yourself. You know envy is useless because everyone has to EARN what the RECEIVE in life.

 

So if that person is a doctor ,you know that they worked hard to just become that. You don't have to feel low because of that, i love you unconditionally and accept you for who you are. Negativity leads to nowhere and this policy of self inflicting injury is nothing more then a waste of energy. Rather use that energy to chisel yourself into the person you want to be, you are like a rough diamond and with hard work you can become a beautifull shining diamond. I know i know, it can be very intimidating if someone else has everything that you wanted. But the fact is that you are you, and another person is another person, and you need to work on your own levels and achievements, just like everyone else. Make an effort to grab at the stars, instead of howling at them.

 

But of course, thats impossible without mental stability. thereforeeee start loving yourself unconditionally and do this by accepting yourself for who you are, and not for what you are not is vital. This starts by stopping the self wallowing, and pity you put on yourself, it doesn't matter if you are fat,ugly ,beautifull,thin. These are just appearances that you should be looked thru. If someone wins 1 000 000 pounds, would i envy them? No, i feel happy for them that they won a prize, besides money doesn't equal happyness, the only thing that can make you happy is loving and helping other people, including loving and helping yourself , you know that life throws stuff at you at the worst possible moment. heck that you saw a skinny girl, with zillazoid diploma's and achievements was probably just fate kicking in your face. Stop the self torment, stop looking asif the grass is greener at other people's lives, stop putting high demands and expectations on yourself on what you could have been or should have been. Simply because its irrational, you need to be realistic and understand that the facts are how they are, and that the only thing you can do is work hard to change the facts of life in the way you want them to be.

[Juliana]

Oh, do I ever know what you mean. I'm ashamed to run into people I used to know from school. First it was the f'g amnesia sucking half my emotions & intellect away -- and then I got the memories back, and I'm an even bigger train wreck than I was. And everybody looks at me like, "what happened to you?" Or they stand there waiting for me to be the person I was (not gonna happen). Yeah, I know what you mean. I'd like to be normal, too. Normal is good. I'd love to know what it's like. ](*,)

 

But. I guess as long as I'm comparing myself to those who carry lighter burdens, I'm never going to know what it's like to be me -- only what it's like to be "not them."

 

I don't do medication either. But I've been considering therapy again. Hasn't worked in the past, but I think I have all my memories back now, so ya never know.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well - just so you feel better off for a second and then a question -

 

Now put those things on yourself and know that you're in you 30's and that's about where I am. Talk about envy!

 

ALS - I realize you have issues some of us don't have to deal with but having seen your posts, having heard your advice - I'm just wondering what's stopping you form obtaining your goals?

 

I mean, this isn't an "easier said then done" question because it would be far from easy. But that doesn't mean it couldn't be done, does it?

 

I mean not to be all pep talky or whatever, but there are all kinds of hurdles people over come to find success. Not that you're in the same category, but Helen Keller comes to mind. No, I'm not comparing you, I'm just saying there are those with different challenges who overcome.

 

Have faith in yourself and a little determination can go a long way.

 

AND you can always use the real-ness of the envy to *help* motivate you. It may be sad to say, but competitive-ness can be useful...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

One of my problems is I tend to favour the *numbing myself out* solution rather than the *undergoing changes solution*.

 

As I see it, I have two choices. I can change who I am, or I can accept to learn to be happy with what I have now.

 

Up until now, I've been attempting to do the latter. Well, this clearly hasn't worked. It's probably time to try the former.

 

Now, where's my motivation..oh yeah..I HAVE no motivation. I just don't like feeling sad or cut up, but that doesn't give me any motivation to change, just to hurt myself.

 

I don't want to wake up at 40 and realise that for the first half of my life or whatever, I did nothing I ever wanted to do. At 18, I already feel as though I wasted several years. I always envisaged at 18 I'd be as outgoing as when I was 16, I'd be going out a couple of times a week in a happy, social way, I'd be...there's no use. Because it's clearly NOT me, or I'd be there right now, wouldn't I?

[Fallout]

This really hits home for me as well I wasted most of my life with anxiety and shyness and such...and I get really depressed too seeing how everyone I know made a life for themselves...everyone except me.

 

But, you're 18 I'm 26, you still have your whole life ahead of you, so if you could get off depresion and find some motivation it's nowhere near too late for you. Yes, I think changing yourself is the way to go, no point trying to be happy with what you have now, because now is not who you really are, it's just depression getting control of you...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

But I have no identity beyond depression, and have no clue how to develop one. For YEARS I've been the tortured-intellectual-depressed one. What else IS there? I don't know. No idea. Where to even start?

 

After trying religion/spirituality/socialising more and less/working/changing study paths/changing appearance/exercise/therapy/more therapy/philosophy...I'm at a slight loss.

[Fallout]

I know what you mean....I haven't found a way either...but hopefully a good counsellor will guide you to that...maybe try yoga? I don't know just an idea...but that's supposed to get you in touch with yourself and in harmony with the world

[rocio]

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are so young. (Not like immature, but like you still have forever to achieve your goals).

 

Most people don't even figure out what they want to do until they are 30 or 35. If you can figure it out at 18, or 20, or 22, then you have a HUGE advantage.

 

The only thing stopping you from becoming a doctor is your own self-doubt.

 

At 17 I was a runaway, completely alone in the world (my own family would have nothing to do with me), no home, no money.... That's how I started my adult life. But now, at only 25, I have a job where I basically manage and oversee how the Canadian government spends their money. Probably not the job that you would want (I know, I'm a shallow agent of the capitalist devil), but it feels like such an achievement to me, especially after the odds that were against me.

 

If you set big enough, far-away goals, then you will achieve them. Setting longterm goals gives you lots of room to f*%k up between now and then. And being depressed, as painful as it is, will only give you character and make you more interesting and complex as a human being.

[bulletproof]

Hi ALS. Sorry to hear that you are so depressed. I have felt the same from time to time, some times longer than others. What I realized by having those experiences is that when I am in that depressed zone, I have such massive tunnel vision, which I think you are experiencing now. For instance, maybe you are not meant to be a doctor but there are a ton of other jobs in a healthcare field that may not require the chemistry. What is it about being a doctor that drew you to it as a profession? You have to be willing to be flexible and work within your limitations as a human while still striving to satisfy your needs and wants. A tough balance, for sure.

 

That same tunnel vision doesn't allow us to see ahead, either. I'm thirty-five, and when I think of those that I envied at age eighteen, it's actually comical. So much happens in life- things are always changing.

 

And please reconsider therapy. Maybe some CBT? That worked for me after countless talk therapists. I didn't need talk, I needed action and someone to convince me to stop being a tortured victim of my own making. Maybe that's what you need?

 

Take care.