Feeling hopeless and digusted.

[bighair]

Hi Everyone:

 

I really suck. You know..I hate to admit this but I really grew to like Joe, the date canceller, and I miss talking to him. I know he has been a complete buffoon.

 

I just don't understand how he could say he is not sure if he wants to see me again when we had a great time. He made dinner for me, we talked for hours, and shared a nice intimate evening. Prior to meeting, we talked so often. I haven't had chemistry or a connection like that with anyone since my LTR ended. I'm going on these dates and meeting men with whom I have no chemistry, who want to see me again and i don't want to see them again, or vice versa.

 

We exchanged emails last week, and part of me is so angry with him for feeling unsure about me. HIs emails were affectionate and he said he missed me. Stupidly, I wrote to him again today...friendly...nothing crazy, and he didn't write back.

 

I have to write this guy off. I know that. But, I wish he would be direct about it and say he doesn't want to see me anymore or to leave him alone. HIs mixed signals are maddening.

 

But, God, doesn't it feel great when sparks are flying between 2 people? I wonder when I'll feel that way again.

[arwen]

Oh hun, you WILL feel that way again. It's really difficult if the date seemed to be so great and he does not want to give things a chance. Ok. So DON'T CONTACT JOE! If he's that unsure about things, and you keep a door open by contacting him, you are setting yourself up for some pain. Because he knows that you are available for him. He can change his mind, meet again, give you hope, and do the same thing again. You don't need that girl.

 

Take care,

 

ilse

[bighair]

Hi Ilse - thanks for your message. I know..i shouldn't contact him any more. I just miss talking to him. I wish things were different, that's all.

[Kevin T]

Take comfort in the fact that I think everyone has been there at some point in their lives. It'll get better.

[rose2summer]

This is a stage in the breakup and healing process.

 

After my breakup, I immediately booked many dates at once, and no sparks whatsoever occurred because I screamed baggage.

 

I think people can tell when you come out of a relationship, you are bound to be hurt and not fully able to hold your ground, I sure was that way.

 

Now, I have men who are pursuing me, instead of me them, so you just have to let your wounds heal and the tables will turn.

 

Where are you meeting these men? Online dating can be fruitful but be careful as some men use it to date multiple women at once with no hopes of commitment.

 

Hugs, Rose

[bighair]

This is a stage in the breakup and healing process.

 

After my breakup, I immediately booked many dates at once, and no sparks whatsoever occurred because I screamed baggage.

 

I Where are you meeting these men? Online dating can be fruitful but be careful as some men use it to date multiple women at once with no hopes of commitment.

 

Hugs, Rose

 

Hi Rose, thanks for your message. I"ve been meeting these guys on line. I feel like i'm grieving a couple of things here...i'm not entirely over my LTR and, as silly as it sounds, I enjoyed Joe, the buffoon date canceller. I didn't know him long. I wrote ad nauseum about him in earlier posts.

 

anyway, yeah...i have been doing lots of dating since the big break up...i know i'm supposed to heal, but I really like having a man in my life...not in a codependent, stepford wife kind of way...i like having a partner..that's all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

just don't understand how he could say he is not sure if he wants to see me again when we had a great time. He made dinner for me, we talked for hours, and shared a nice intimate evening. Prior to meeting, we talked so often. I haven't had chemistry or a connection like that with anyone since my LTR ended. I'm going on these dates and meeting men with whom I have no chemistry, who want to see me again and i don't want to see them again, or vice versa.

 

Sometimes chemistry takes time. You may not feel it initially but as you get to know a person it builds. Conversely, sometimes the faster a relationship starts, with chemistry, long talks etc. the faster it fizzles. Relationships don't often make sense. You see on this forum, people in long term relationships where everything is going so well and then out of the blue, someone bails, no warning, everything seemed so grand, they got along so well together. Who knows what goes on in somebody's head. The best thing you can do (easier said than done) is put it out of your head. Chalk it up to one of life's mysteries where there will never be a definite answer, and move forward. He is not worth it.

[bighair]

Sometimes chemistry takes time. You may not feel it initially but as you get to know a person it builds. Conversely, sometimes the faster a relationship starts, with chemistry, long talks etc. the faster it fizzles. Relationships don't often make sense. You see on this forum, people in long term relationships where everything is going so well and then out of the blue, someone bails, no warning, everything seemed so grand, they got along so well together. Who knows what goes on in somebody's head. The best thing you can do (easier said than done) is put it out of your head. Chalk it up to one of life's mysteries where there will never be a definite answer, and move forward. He is not worth it.

 

HI Craze =

 

I agree with this..chemistry takes time to build. With my LTR ex, we had sparks immediately, and we were together for 7 years. With Joe the Buffoon, we talked nearly 3 months prior to meeting. I am angry because I think about some of the things he said to me, and like I said, I'm having difficulty accepting that he is not sure about seeing me. I'm insulted. Period. The end. Yeah..I'm doing what I can to move on. I'll get there.

[hosswhispra]

This is a stage in the breakup and healing process.

 

After my breakup, I immediately booked many dates at once, and no sparks whatsoever occurred because I screamed baggage.

 

I think people can tell when you come out of a relationship, you are bound to be hurt and not fully able to hold your ground, I sure was that way.

 

This is so true. I had the same reaction as Rose. Now, I feel as though I am finally calming down and feeling more like me, hosswhispra---and that feels good.

 

It does get better--with time, Bighair. Hang in there.

 

hosswhispra

[bighair]

This is so true. I had the same reaction as Rose. Now, I feel as though I am finally calming down and feeling more like me, hosswhispra---and that feels good.

 

It does get better--with time, Bighair. Hang in there.

 

hosswhispra

 

Hey HOss, thanks for writing. I'm just SO READY to be married. I've been ready for a while now. So, I know that i have to date but I don't want to wait too long for the things that I want so badly. It sounds very immature, but I deserve this happiness. I was with someone for years who wouldn't commit to me and I am still so angry at him for not wanting to marry me. Why? I always ask why didn't my ex want to marry me? Why wasn't I good enough? I look around and it seem so easy for some other women...meet, fall in love, propose, kids, house, whatever....

 

Like I said, I'm not in a good place tonight. I wonder if it's PMS????

[GreatGuy]

Hey I am the great guy you are looking for...Stop looking!!!

 

Hang in there!

[hosswhispra]

Hey bighair,

 

You're a very successful woman. You worked very hard to get to where you are today.

 

I feel similarly to you about seeing how it looks apparently easy (on the outside, anyway) for other women. Have faith and always guard your heart, bighair. Always, put yourself first. You're a great catch and someone will have to see that one day.

 

Hang in there,

hosswhispra

[GreatGuy]

Hey bighair,

 

You're a very successful woman. You worked very hard to get to where you are today.

 

I feel similarly to you about seeing how it looks apparently easy (on the outside, anyway) for other women. Have faith and always guard your heart, bighair. Always, put yourself first. You're a great catch and someone will have to see that one day.

 

Hang in there,

hosswhispra

 

 

That is good advice for sure! Also life has a way to teach us lessons, some more painful than others. However what you do when challenged defines what kind a life you live >>

 

Wow this is Deep!!!!!!!!!!!( i love this line)

[bighair]

Hey I am the great guy you are looking for...Stop looking!!!

 

Hang in there!

 

Hi GG -

thanks for saying that. trying to keep my chin up! it's har sometimes.

 

That is good advice for sure! Also life has a way to teach us lessons, some more painful than others. However what you do when challenged defines what kind a life you live >>

 

Wow this is Deep!!!!!!!!!!!( i love this line)

 

yeah...that was pretty deep, and i too believe that everything happens for a reason...i'm trying to understand how I ended up here.

[bighair]

Hey bighair,

 

You're a very successful woman. You worked very hard to get to where you are today.

 

I feel similarly to you about seeing how it looks apparently easy (on the outside, anyway) for other women. Have faith and always guard your heart, bighair. Always, put yourself first. You're a great catch and someone will have to see that one day.

 

Hang in there,

hosswhispra

 

Thanks for saying that, Hoss. It always help to hear that. And, right back at ya!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have never been married but then I look around at all the people my age who got married, had the fairytale for years and then it all crapped out on them...divorce, single parenthood, anger at the ex, etc. They are back to square one, trying to find someone to spend the rest of their life with. I remember saying to one of these people that at least she had a chance to experience marriage. Her response was that she still feels empty because it didn't last. Don't be in a rush to get married just so you can be married. I have seen enough people do this and it ends up a mess. Just relax about it and look after yourself and your interests. Marriage does not necessarily make people happy and content. With marriage comes a whole other set of problems.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I forgot to add: Read some of the threads from the married people and the problems they deal with. Getting married doesn't mean you won't face the same problems you face in the dating world ie. rejection, lack of committment to the relationship, etc. Whenever I get down about not being married, I read some of those threads and realize wow, those problems you deal with as a single person in a relationship can come up when you are married as well. Nothing is ever guaranteed.

[bighair]

I have never been married but then I look around at all the people my age who got married, had the fairytale for years and then it all crapped out on them...divorce, single parenthood, anger at the ex, etc. They are back to square one, trying to find someone to spend the rest of their life with. I remember saying to one of these people that at least she had a chance to experience marriage. Her response was that she still feels empty because it didn't last. Don't be in a rush to get married just so you can be married. I have seen enough people do this and it ends up a mess. Just relax about it and look after yourself and your interests. Marriage does not necessarily make people happy and content. With marriage comes a whole other set of problems.

 

Hi,

 

Thank you for writing. Yes, I know...marriage is a lot of work, and given that 60 per cent of marraiges end in divorce, confirm that this is not a fairy tale. yeah...i have lots of divorced friends, and have gone out w. lots of divorced men who all have a very different perception of marriage.

 

i guess i am in a rush to be married because i'm 38 years old, and i am ready to settle down....i still want to be a mother, and i hear my biological clock ticking like big ben.

 

but, i have been looking into other options regarding being a parent: IVF, adoption, but single parenthood is tough.

 

Like I said, i Just don't get why it hasn't happened for me yet.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Be careful with IVF. I knew of a single female who had that done (years ago) and she ended up with twins! Being a single parent of twins must be really difficult.

 

Yeah, I hear you. I also have the same thoughts as to why it hasn't happened for me yet. I never wanted children so I never felt the pressure of the biological clock. I would just like someone to spend my life with.

[bighair]

Hi Craze -

I know you still believe in love. It will happen for you.

[dogheadma]

I've been in those exact same shoes before and I just let it go. No more phone calls, no nuthin'. If they wanted to call me fine (they didn't) and if not then that's fine too. There's too many fish in the sea to sit around waiting for someone to decide (or trying to sell them on) what they want. They need to figure that one out for themselves. Neither you or I or anyone else can help them with that. Nor should we.

[GreatGuy]

Hi Craze -

I know you still believe in love. It will happen for you.

 

 

I am the one you are looking for !! LOL. He is out there and because he hasn't happened doesn't necessarily define your life. Keep in mind that getting married will not fullfilled all dreams. It might satisfy the need to say that you have once been married, however it doesn't mean that it is gonna last or it is the final solution. Society , your culture, your family all play a part in what you think your life ought to be right now. This isn't a mean to an end, as you may think, rather this is a journey. SHould you choose to accpet this challenge, greater things in store for you.

 

I am 31, i have somewhat dealt with many things many things that i never thought i would ever ever be feeling today. May tragic things, my heart and dreams have been chattered at times, but yet i cannot even understand how the thing we cannot touch, the thing i know is there, the thing noone can harm, MY SOUL/SPIRIT is very strong and keeps on growing. I realize that i am more than what this physical world says i ought to be. True there are rules in anything, but i tend to believe that i am the creator of my reality. I am the Universe, and I life and Death, i am more than what my mind says i am. One not with a beginning nor an end, one not concerned with matters of space and time.

My dear, you are alive so think about this: If you had one day left in your life what would you do?? How would you spend it?? Where woudl you go??

 

Now once you have answererd that, tell your self that TOday could be your last day: Do you spend it lamenting on things that your trained mind instinctively makes you do? Or do you look at the big picture and your role in it. Feeling of sadness and happiness are all apart of it, but so are curiosity, experimenting, pushing the envelop, growing, discovering, creating, elevating.

 

(Think about it)

[Lady Bugg]

Big Hair..I understand your frustration. You and Joe 'clicked" on so many levels..and in a sense you are left hanging. UGH. It sucks..I know.

But when you think about it logically.....are you REALLY shocked at his behavior so far? He cancelled on you TWICE before you even met. This guy seems to have an M.O. for being wishy washy. This guy is going to wish wash through his whole life. Being with someone who cannot even make a decision is maddening. What if something TRAGIC happened?? What would he do then?? Leave you hanging?? This is the stuff you need to think about long term. It really is.

Hang in there..you'll get through this whole process....

[annie24]

Hi,

 

Thank you for writing. Yes, I know...marriage is a lot of work, and given that 60 per cent of marraiges end in divorce, confirm that this is not a fairy tale. yeah...i have lots of divorced friends, and have gone out w. lots of divorced men who all have a very different perception of marriage.

 

i guess i am in a rush to be married because i'm 38 years old, and i am ready to settle down....i still want to be a mother, and i hear my biological clock ticking like big ben.

 

but, i have been looking into other options regarding being a parent: IVF, adoption, but single parenthood is tough.

 

Like I said, i Just don't get why it hasn't happened for me yet.

 

something to think about..... why not just adopt or IVF before the husband comes along? I get a sense that you want two things - a great marriage, and kids. Maybe the two of them won't come in a package deal? maybe it's time to take the bull by the horns, and have a baby anyways, then continue your search for Mr. Right.

 

or you could limit your search for a husband exclusively to men that want to get married. but I get the feeling that you are looking for more than just a random man to marry. and that is good, you shouldn't "settle" for any old man, just so you can say you are married.

 

yeah, being a single mom may turn off some men, but lots of single moms get married also. if having a baby at this point in your life will fulfill you, maybe it will be the happiness and radiance that comes from that will attract the man of your dreams?

 

something to think about....

[annie24]

This is a stage in the breakup and healing process.

 

After my breakup, I immediately booked many dates at once, and no sparks whatsoever occurred because I screamed baggage.

 

I think people can tell when you come out of a relationship, you are bound to be hurt and not fully able to hold your ground, I sure was that way.

 

Now, I have men who are pursuing me, instead of me them, so you just have to let your wounds heal and the tables will turn.

 

Where are you meeting these men? Online dating can be fruitful but be careful as some men use it to date multiple women at once with no hopes of commitment.

 

Hugs, Rose

 

oh boy. me too!!!

 

geezzz... after my last breakup, I signed up online just a few hours later (trying to heal ASAP!), but went out on 5 different dates, and things didn't go anywhere with any of them. only 1 guy asked me out on a second date, but I called that off. yeah, in hindsight, I wasn't ready, but it was more to take my mind off the ex. but I didn't think that the "fresh breakup" vibes were showing, but maybe they were.....