How do I get him to make some changes???

[chigal28]

Hello all,

 

I have been dating my boyfriend about 10 months, living together for two months, friends for six years before we dated. I love him to death, but I'm also getting completely fed up with him, and I don't want to feel that way.

 

I want to say first that he is hilarious, kind, caring, and very intelligent and talented. Those are the things that attracted me to him, and those things haven't changed. But I'm afraid my attraction for him is dwindling...and here's why. He is very overweight, to the point where doctors have told him he's obese and NEEDS to do something, AND he is diabetic. Those two things combined have made it so he can't...perform. Can't even start, really, which is something I've tried to be patient with, and work through with him. Although we don't even fool around anymore, because we both get too frustrated. I mean, we've been intimate once in the past three weeks.

 

But here's the real issue. He has been promising for months that he will start working out, eating better, going to weight-loss meetings (which I've promised to go to with him!!!), etc., etc., both for the sake of our relationship and, MUCH more importantly, for himself, and has done absolutely nothing. There is always, ALWAYS an excuse--he was temporarily living with a friend, we were getting settled into our place, he was sick, and now the latest is that he hates his doctor and wants to switch over and doesn't want to start any new programs until he does that. WHAT?! Now when he starts saying "well, I want to, but the thing is (fill in excuse here)..." I just change the subject.

 

I have tried being supportive and encouraging, I have tried being a hard- * * *...and now I can just feel myself shutting down, because it is just starting to feel like he doesn't care. Not about us, but about himself. And his lack of action is starting to affect his self-esteem even more than it was, and his inability to perform isn't helping AT ALL in that regard. So basically, his constant barrage of excuses as to why he can't get things under control, coupled with everything else, is eroding the attraction I feel for him. I'm beginning to think it will always be this way...and the thing is, personality-wise, I want to marry this man, but I don't know if we can do it, the way things are.

 

I love this man so much....he is so good to me, but he's horrible to himself, and I find myself scheduling more and more activities to keep busy, just because I'm scared of getting caught up in his apathy. Now the fact that I'm so busy is starting to affect our relationship negatively, too. HELP!!!! How can I motivate him, when I know that really the only person who can motivate him is...himself?

[Ediec]

You didn't say how overwieght he is (and its not really needed), but i had 2 of my friends who were quite... large. One was 5'7" at 380lbs and on who was 6'2" at 450lbs. They are both now down to 250lbs. All they did was drink water. they changed nothing else in their lifestyle except they drank 8-10 liters of water a day. They've had no ill affects.

 

I know that doesn't help with getting him motivated, but it doesn't take much to carry around a liter bottle of water and to refill it when its empty. If he can't do that one simple thing then i'm not sure if anything short of a MI will get him to.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You can't make him take care of himself, only he can do that. You have to go on the assumption of this is who he is and he won't change until something within himself makes him decide to change. The only thing you can do is change yourself and how you view things. Can you spend the rest of your life with him as he is or is this such a turnoff that it is a dealbreaker for you. Only you can answer that. Just bear in mind that every single person on this earth has a down side to them. Even if you broke up with this person and met someone else, they could also have some other quality that is a complete turnoff to you. Instead of focussing on the bad quality, why not focus on all of his positive attributes, the things that make you go all soft and mushy inside. Sometimes just making the other person feel like a million bucks will boost the self-esteem and their willingness to start fixing their problem. You have to stop reminding him of this issue and just be there for him showing how much you love his other qualities.

[shikashika]

this would be very frustrating...

 

As others have said, he has to help himself... you can't change him.

 

i think sometimes people in situations like these need a wake-up call. my friend's aunt was very overweight and the doctor told her"

look... you lose weight, or you die"

 

thats what she needed

[RayKay]

This would be very frustrating, especially as you care and are trying to be supportive....and feel it's not going anywhere..in a sense maybe you feel your support is "enabling" and being taken advantage of, and that can cause that resentment too.

 

You are right, you can't force him to do it, or feel motivated. You can suggest more active activities together, or ensure you are doing them yourself - when he sees how much fun you are having and great you feel in an active lifestyle, that can be motivating as long as you are not rubbing it in.

 

And, I think that maybe considering it is a major health risk to not only HIS body, but also to your relationships health....you also need to sit down and tell him you are concerned, and that you are there to support him....but you also need to tell him how it is affecting you and your relationship and that something needs to change and you need to work together to change it.

[Dako]

Put yourself in his shoes.

He has a girlfriend who loves him, but she pressures him to lose weight. His doctor might also pressure him to reduce, so he wants another doctor.

 

He has to want it.

 

Has he been overweight for the past seven years? If so, why do you think you can change him?

[freedom]

i would agree with a previous poster.... Take to him a just stop drink fizzy drinks. Move over to water slowly by adding SOME and i mean some flavouring. So you get a taste but not the fulll sweetness... then slowly reducing the amount. It is amazing that difference it would make.

[chigal28]

Thanks for the supportive posts, guys. This has been pretty tough for me, and despite his lack of action, I know it's tough on him, too.

 

His family is from the South, and he told me they ate fried foods A LOT when he was growing up...his brothers handled it OK, because one has a crazy fast metabolism and the other played football so was always running around...but as soon as my guy stopped playing baseball freshman year of high school, he started putting on weight, and just never stopped.

 

So I know this is going to be really difficult, turning around something that's been going one way for so long, and we have had some seemingly breakthrough conversations in the past couple of weeks...where he seems to truly realize how important this is, both now and in the long run...I guess I'd just feel a LOT better if it manifested itself in some action, no matter how small.

 

I told him that before he changes doctors (he has an appointment with his current doctor next week), I want him to find out when there are some classes we can attend together to figure out how to come up with a workout schedule AND a diet that will help him be healthier, while also being conscientious (sp?) of his diabetes. I've also started working out myself, and I try to tell him how great it feels afterwards, while not seeming to rub it in his face or anything...I'm not asking him to do anything I won't do myself. I've also brought up the possibility of going for walks together, which he seems open to...but we're always so tired after work, and neither of us are morning people!

 

I'm hoping that as he starts doing the things he needs to do, he'll feel better about himself, and just better in general, and that will prompt him to do more. It's getting started that's hard!! But thanks, guys.

[babypink61]

Hi chigal28!

 

Since you live with him, why don't you start watching his diet? I agree with the other posters that cutting out sugary drinks such as juice and soda is a good start. When I prepare certain food I also try to cut out the butter and oil and substitute with low fat or fat free cheese or milk. You can find tons of delicious healthy receipes over the internet. Don't let him go grocery shopping by himself and try to fight the urge of buying any junk food! Satisfy your sweet tooth with fresh fruit, low fat yogurt/jello or lowfat froze yogurt. I would also avoid eating out as much as possible. The working out part might be tough though because he's not used to it. I would start out with something small such as a romantic walk around the park or neighborhood after dinner or something. Hope that helps!!

[Juha]

You can't make someone change...If they care about themselves enough

and care about you and the relationship they will admit to themselves something is wrong...

 

Until they admit this to themselves then nothing is going to happen...

 

If they change because you want them to or nag them enough they will do something and then resent you about it...

 

Either way if you have stated what concerns you to them and they do nothing after a period of time then you have to decide if you are happy with the relationship the way it is...

 

Do what is best for you if you are not happy.......

[interestingprojects]

You didn't say how overwieght he is (and its not really needed), but i had 2 of my friends who were quite... large. One was 5'7" at 380lbs and on who was 6'2" at 450lbs. They are both now down to 250lbs. All they did was drink water. they changed nothing else in their lifestyle except they drank 8-10 liters of water a day. They've had no ill affects.

 

I know that doesn't help with getting him motivated, but it doesn't take much to carry around a liter bottle of water and to refill it when its empty. If he can't do that one simple thing then i'm not sure if anything short of a MI will get him to.

 

Are you serious? I need to lose at least 20 lbs, and these sounds very motivating to me. Could you explain a little more though, give more details about what they did? Did they just drink water to replace meals, or to avoid unwanted snacking?