Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Hi everyone! I've been going out with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. Before that I'd only had one serious relationship, which lasted about a year. I'm now 27. I've obviously spent alot of time single and as such I've got used to looking at porn on the internet for entertainment. We're talking about twice a week, possibly more. When I started going out with my girlfriend I stopped looking on the internet - this was VERY difficult for me but I thought it was worth it. Then one day at work (I work from home so don't worry) about a year ago I decided to have a look at some porn. I didn't DO anything other than look. But my girlfriend found out about this and all but split up with me. Since then there have been three more occasions when I have looked at porn on the internet. Each time my girlfriend has found out and tried to split up with me. Each time we've ended up staying together but with my knowing we'll split up if I do it again. Each time I have stopped looking altogether, for a while. Then I've looked again and been found out. However, after the last time I told myself I'd put a stop to it and I haven't looked at anything since - for probably four months I think? But yesterday I was looking round youtube and followed some links to hot babes and bikini babes or similar. I didn't think anything of it because youtube is sensored - there can't possibly be anything on there for my girlfriend to get upset about, or so I thought. My girlfriend found out and she has split up with me - I didn't look at porn but I DID look at girls and that is what upsets her. But we live together so she'll be home tonight and it's all a bit messy. I love her sooo much and I don't want to lose her just because I was stupid and thought that looking at girls on youtube was different to looking anywhere else. So basically my questions are: Have I completely messed it up? Will I ever get her back? Why do I find it so difficult to stop looking and what can I do to make myself stop? Am I abnormal in wanting to look or is this just something guys do? Is the real issue that I have repeatedly betrayed her trust? Is there anyway I can rectify this? Thanks in advance and hoping there is some way my girlfriend and I can work this out. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Have I completely messed it up? Will I ever get her back? Why do I find it so difficult to stop looking and what can I do to make myself stop? Am I abnormal in wanting to look or is this just something guys do? Is the real issue that I have repeatedly betrayed her trust? Is there anyway I can rectify this? 3. Bingo!!! I personally have no problems with pornography, but I would however have problems with my boyfriend repeatedly lying to me. Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 As I thought. But my girlfriend DOES have a problem with porn. And porn is something I have got very used to over the years. If she'd told me to give up something else I don't think there would have been a problem. So is there anything I can do? As I say I didn't mean to hurt her and I didn't look at anything that I thought she'd be upset about. And I love her more than anything. Link to comment
rustygirl Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Porn, is sort of a 'user defined' subject. I think you're normal in that just about everyone at some point has looked at, (or read) porn, and the majority of those have well you know, 'done their thing' to it. Have you messed up your chances with your girl? Possibly, possibly not, that's up to her and you. Being in a similar situation I would say no, because you guys have gotten back together over this before, I would judge you have a good chance this time as well... but as long as you continue to use porn in a manner that your GF finds offensive your chances of patching it up get smaller and smaller. Your GF's World: I can't think of any in particular, but there are support web sites out there for porn addicts. Your girlfriend seems to view porn as I do: It's cheating. Picture this: Your out at a restaurant and a cute guy is sitting next to your table, he starts stripping, not for any reason but that he wants to be naked. Your girlfriend has ceased to notice you and is oogling the very good looking stud. She starts to perspire and pant gently, suddenly she jumps up and rushes to the 'restroom' while there she may (or may not) have just uh... serviced herself. You don't know, you weren't in there with her, only the image of 'him' was with her. When she gets back to her seat, he is gone, (they kicked him out) she is flushed and still a little sweaty. She turns to you and starts talking as though nothing had just happened. What would you think? How would you feel? Now, what if you asked her "uhm... what was that? Why were you staring at him?" (or some other similar question about WHY she reacted the way she did.) and she tells you, "Oh, that was nothing, it doesn't matter anyhow, it's not like I know the guy or anything..." or "What? I didn't talk to him, it's not like we did anything TOGETHER, he didn't even see me" or how about "Oh, he's been coming here doing that for years, that's why I like to eat here... it's no big deal." Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 Thanks for your reply rustygirl. I see what you mean and I've never thought of it like that before. I really hope we can patch it up but maybe it is too late? But I know I'll never do this again - I can't stand seeing her so upset and I can't stand the idea of us not being together - it is killing me! Link to comment
rustygirl Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 You know how sometimes you're having a conversation and someone says something that you just don't have a come-back to? Well that was it for me. It must have been 4 years or so ago when I was going through a similar struggle with my BF at the time (we had been together for 6 years.) I could not explain very well to him, my best friend, or ANY of my friends for that matter, why it upset me so. All I knew was that it felt to me as though I was being cheated on. It was the heartbreak of 'finding it' each time. The guilt of snooping (oh, it started out innocently enough, but once I found out I couldn't stop myself from finding out how much, when, for how long etc.) and the pain of betrayal each time he said he would never look again and then within days I would find "it" again. The worst was when he tried to hide it... by changing his 'favorites links' to innocent names by clearing the history, by saving stuff onto disk and hiding the disk etc. So if you really can stop cold turkey, great! more power to you! That's wonderful, and I commend you. But before you promise your girl that... make sure you mean it. If you DONT think you can stop... or at least not cold turkey, you need to tell her that. Ask for her help, sign up for counselling, WHATEVER, but be HONEST with HER and YOURSELF!!!! I wish you both the best of luck! Link to comment
confused1607307390 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 just be honest Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 Thank you everyone - I'll think about all you've said. Link to comment
Rabican Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Personally I dont think porn is a big deal, I watch it, my girl watches it sometimes (not as much as me) but she does. Well watch it together... I think its ok, as long as it isnt replacing your time with her, or taking up your time at work. I think the problem here is that you told her you would stop, and then never did, you kept doing it over and over. YOu would have been better off talking to her and saying look porn is just porn its not another person, and it doesnt take away any of my feelings for you. see how that went. But when you keep commiting the same offenses over and over.... eventaully your SO gets fed up and leaves. Maybe you need to find someone who is a little more open minded next time, and then when you do if you do mess up... dont keep making the same mistake. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 personally, i think if your girlfriend has a problem with porn, she has some serious insecurity issues.... lots of girls like porn... and it can be fun watching it together with your significant other. don't tell her you will stop if you aren't going to Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 Thanks for your reply shikashika. I am going to stop - indeed I already have. I haven't looked at any porn since the last incident, some four months ago. This is actually one thing I don't understand - I was only looking at some fairly sedate stuff on youtube. Hence I didn't even think I was doing anything wrong! Obviously I underestimated the significance of my looking at anything remotely dubious. I suppose it serves me right for my past indiscretions. Link to comment
rocio Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I agree with shikashika. What is this girl's problem with porn? If she is upset about the treatment of women and the macho world of porn, then I understand. If she is concerned about the spread of std's and the risks associated with working in the porn industry, then I understand. If she is just insecure, then she has serious issues breaking up with you over this. Maybe she needs to work those out before you get back together. When you get into a relationship with someone, they should not expect you to change. And you should not allow them to control you. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Its probably better that you two arent together since you have such opposing views on pornography considering that she has a problem with it and you like watching it. If you want to be on your tip toes around her then try and get her back but I would suggest finding a girl who has similar views on pornography. Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 If she is just insecure, then she has serious issues breaking up with you over this. Maybe she needs to work those out before you get back together. Maybe she is insecure, but I don't think I have helped things and I guess I am getting what I deserve? I only hope it isn't too late for me to make it up to her and help her regain some trust in me. I feel I am generally a trustworthy person - I'd never intentionally hurt anyone, least of all my GF. In fact these incidents are the most un-trustworthy things I have ever done in my life - I am ashamed. When you get into a relationship with someone, they should not expect you to change. And you should not allow them to control you. True - but if there IS something you do that really upsets your other half you should try your very best not to do it. I have tried and failed and upset my GF more than I ever thought I could. Sorry if I'm sounding argumentative - I'm just trying to figure things out. Link to comment
rocio Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 you don't sound argumentative. you sound whipped. Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 Let's just say I have a fairly low opinion of myself right now... Link to comment
rocio Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I understand. It sucks when we want to stop ourselves from doing something, and we don't succeed. I had that feeling for years with smoking cigarettes. I hated it and I disliked myself for doing it. But just kept lighting up. Don't get down on yourself. You're just a healthy guy who appreciates the female form. And you sound really sweet. I'm sure she'll give you another chance, if that's what you want. Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 I hope so too Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 As I thought. But my girlfriend DOES have a problem with porn. And porn is something I have got very used to over the years. If she'd told me to give up something else I don't think there would have been a problem. Why didn't you express this as the case the multiple times she confronted you with the issue? Truly this is a question of compatibilty: you can't live without porn + she can't live with it = problem Link to comment
Spugly Fuglet Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I have awayes said this Porn is mind rotting pap! give it up for a time and you will see your life get better but thats my point of view Link to comment
Dingleburt Humperdink Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 Why didn't you express this as the case the multiple times she confronted you with the issue? Truly this is a question of compatibilty: you can't live without porn + she can't live with it = problem You're right - but as I say I haven't looked at any porn for four months now. Unless you count what is on youtube as porn, which I don't. But apparently this is still enough to upset my GF, which I didn't realise otherwise I wouldn't have done it. I think I am going round in circles and all of this is dependent on what she thinks anyway. Thanks for all your help and advice - I hope we can work it out! Link to comment
Juliana Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 This is a compatability issue. I think you need to find a girlfriend who likes porn, rather than trying (and failing) to change yourself, rather than trying to change her (and only hurting her instead). People's sexual tastes seem to be pretty well ingrained; it's unfair to say it's your problem or her problem. Only know that if you want to be with her, this is something you've got to give up, for real. And from your post, I don't think you can do that...which makes me wonder... Link to comment
rustygirl Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Personally I dont think porn is a big deal, I watch it, my girl watches it sometimes (not as much as me) but she does. Well watch it together... I think its ok, as long as it isnt replacing your time with her, or taking up your time at work. personally, i think if your girlfriend has a problem with porn, she has some serious insecurity issues.... lots of girls like porn... and it can be fun watching it together with your significant other. Rabican and shikashika both make good points... which made me realize that not ALL porn is cheating. My BF and I occasionally watch porn, but only together... If she is just insecure, then she has serious issues breaking up with you over this. Maybe she needs to work those out before you get back together.When you get into a relationship with someone, they should not expect you to change. And you should not allow them to control you. I agree that she should not expect you to change, but if you are willing to, that's okay. I don't see her not wanting you to look at porn being a control issue, it's obviously something that bothers her and instead of making you quit, she left. It was you who wanted to work things out and told her you would quit. I don't think that porn is something she will be able to 'just work out', even if her only issue with it is that she's insecure. There could be plenty of other reasons... maybe she can, but it doesn't sound like it if she has a problem with the youtube thing (I went and looked myself, and I don't know if that would bother me... that isn't porn.) You're right - but as I say I haven't looked at any porn for four months now. Unless you count what is on youtube as porn, which I don't. But apparently this is still enough to upset my GF, which I didn't realise otherwise I wouldn't have done it. I think I am going round in circles and all of this is dependent on what she thinks anyway. Thanks for all your help and advice - I hope we can work it out! You're right! This is a compatability issue. I think you need to find a girlfriend who likes porn, rather than trying (and failing) to change yourself, rather than trying to change her (and only hurting her instead). People's sexual tastes seem to be pretty well ingrained; it's unfair to say it's your problem or her problem. Only know that if you want to be with her, this is something you've got to give up, for real. And from your post, I don't think you can do that...which makes me wonder... If the relationship DOESN'T work out, I think Juliana is right, your next relationship should be with someone who is more open to porn since that is something you obviously enjoy. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I don't like it and wouldn't accept it either. She's given you so many attempts to prove what is important to you. Find a way to restrain yourself from looking at it. Reassure her that you understand her thoughts on it and never look at it again if you want to be with her. No, we shouldn't try to change people in relationships. But she has an expectation that if you respect her, you wouldn't look at this stuff. Meet up to her expectations and maybe you can be with her. Fail her expectations and you'll have problems. Your choice. Link to comment
Lovely8466 Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I don't like it and wouldn't accept it either. I agree with that! I'm not for any of that kind of stuff and I would have dumped you the second time I caught you (no offense!) but yeah she def is having a hard time trusting you now b/c you keep telling her you're going to stop and you still haven't. She's prob thinking about other stuff you could be lying to her about (that's what a lot of girls do). Like what some of the others said, either stop doing it FOR GOOD or find someone else that likes it. I suggest you stop it for her love Link to comment
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