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She is Extreme Christian / He Not So Extreme


jeg779
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I have been seeing this girl for about a month now, I am 21, she is 21, and we both agree that we make a great match. She tells me how much she likes me and stuff. Now, She and I havn't held hands, or kissed ...only hugs at the end of a date... It has been hard for me to stick with it for a month. AM i such a bad person? I can live with out the sex..but right now, we do nothing... I mean that in the sense of.. .two nights ago we were here at my apartment watching sappy chick flicks, watching all the romance and stuff.. Well she sits down.. with a 5 foot gap between us...and i move closer and i see her fidget.. NOw I am getting mixxed signals.. How do you deal with someone who wanting to take her time.. Because she has made bad decisions in the past. ? ? ? Any advice?

FYI : We have both been in long term committed relationships before. . .

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There could be a whole slew of reasons she is creating physical distance: She was abused as a child, molested at some point, fears intimacy, wants to take things slow.

 

The best thing you can do is be patient and make sure she feels comfortable.

 

Maybe you can bring it up and say, I was wondering how you feel about physical intimacy. I really care about you and want to make sure I make you feel comfortable and safe.

 

That way she doesn't feel pressured.

 

Hugs, Rose

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we have talked about it, and she says: I have just made some bad decisions in the past. . . I just want to take it slow, don't worry, its not you. I want to kiss you like no other, i'm just trying to have some self control for once in my life. . .

 

That is reassuring. . . but I am still looking for a little guidence

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I think you have to be honest with yourself and decide if you can do this. Its been a whole month and she is fearful of even cuddling? There is a lot more to physical intimacy than just sex and its odd for someone her age to be uncomfortable with any physical contact at all. If its been this way for a whole month then you have to be honest with yourself and expect that it could be like this with her for quite some more time.

There more likely is something bigger in her past than just "making bad decisons", she has some serious emotional issues and maybe there was abuse or something in her past. This isnt in any way your fault and more than likely not her fault that she has problems being close, but you have to decide for yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to have.

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jeg - I say stick with it for a bit longer but if it gets to a point beyond what you can handle - let her know that. Just honestly and openly tell her how YOU feel about it. Tell her that you understand and respect her reasoning and you are willing to be patiient, but there's only so long you CAN wait.

 

I think in this case, Honesty would be the best poilcy.

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Hey jeg,

 

So what are the things that lead you to believe you are a good match?

 

You should dig deeper to get answers exactly what these "bad decisions" of her's have been...

 

And in reference to the title of your thread here, how do you view this difference in beliefs/values?

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If she has that much of an issue of self control that she won kiss you in order to maintain do you not wonder in waht other areas of her life this lack of self control can be a problem?

 

If she feels it then what is the issue of kissing you? Its a kiss. Clearly you like physical intimacy from what you have stated you are not happy with the current status quo.

 

I call BS on this. If its true she has an issue with self control then as I stated above. Lacking self control is more than likely going to put a strain on your relationship.

 

If its the fact that she doesnt want to kiss you because she is unsure of her feelings I guess after one month she should knwo either way.

 

Its possibel she could be playing a game to see how long you will hold out and wait for her.

 

Its too hard to tell what her true intentions are but again to me the self control commment sets off bells in my head.

 

Try telling her "Hey, I think its great you are looking to get some self control and sort your life out, I think maybe you need some time to figure this out." Give her her space and see what happens.

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A month without even a kiss is a very long time. It's not a good thing that it's going this slow, things have to progress eventually or else what's the difference with you two being just friends?

 

It's nice when a chick initiates or progresses things, but evolutionary biology/psychology has set up this expectation that you are going to be the one to break down the emotional walls and progress things physically.

 

On a side note, when my current gf came to me with something very similar (having baggage from previous relationships) I handled it very direct the opposite to what I see so many guys doing. Instead of being all consoling and understanding and all that, I told her that everybody's went through hard times even me, but you're going to have to get over it if you're going to give the two of us a real chance because I'm not looking to waste either one of our time, especially mine. I know it sounds a bit rough, but it's the truth and from that day forward it hasn't been an issue and she's 100% into me. I can just tell she let it go at that point and decided to put all of her energy into me.

 

In the meantime, gradually progress things physically. First, your non-physical contact should be of a more intimate nature. Like eye contact is very important. Then things like holding hands, sitting closer together, holding each other, kissing, touching over clothes, under clothes, preclude sex. Make sure you introduce some of these things asap.

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Hey jeg,

 

So what are the things that lead you to believe you are a good match?

 

You should dig deeper to get answers exactly what these "bad decisions" of her's have been...

 

And in reference to the title of your thread here, how do you view this difference in beliefs/values?

 

 

Well, we just have this great connection, she is a beautiful girl, and we get along, I have been a bit out on the the beliefs/values, living the typical college guy life, sleeping with someone was a big deal, drinking, and just the frat boy lifestyle. . . and that ended a couple of weeks after I meet her, so the impact she has already had on my life is huge by itself. . . We have great communication skills, and so i know that her ' bad decisions' in the past have been to move to quickly with guys. She said that at times, she was unable to control herself. . . a nymph is the way she put it. . . which really shocked me. . . but i just believe that is her being harsh on herself. . .

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Well, it sure sounds like she is conflicted and over-compensating for her past "mistakes". This is creating a situation that is not healthy and is all about her. She is so focused on her behavior being different than the past, she isn't thinking about its effects on you or the relationship. Five-foot gaps? Not healthy...and the understandable confusion and frustration is clear in reading your post...

 

What I would do is start making moves. Start holding hands, start kissing her. See what she does. If she pushes you away, that to me says she is unable to have a healthy relationship and needs to figure herself out. Being her therapist is not your job, remember that. Tell her what she is doing is really wearing on you big time and doesn't seem right to you. See what she says, see what she does...

 

I can understand holding off on intercourse but 5-foot gaps are absolutely r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s. I have the feeling if she tries to make changes in her behavior, it will seem "wrong" to her...make sure you address this and say you will help her respect her boundaries as well...

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