In shock

[Beec]

kbjinnc,

 

You seem to be getting to a much better place than you were at in the days after she left.

 

I would not do much different than you have been doing, still keep busy, etc., but you should also begin thinking about this: how did she have an affect over me, what is it that she did that influenced me to need her, etc. Begin doing that, and soon, you will be removing that from your psyche.

 

If you do soon want to go on a date or anything, with someone, jsut make sure they know you are fresh out of something and not ready for a relationship. It should be a date, one date, nothing more, don't see her again for at least a couple weeks. And tell her that you will be doing that, take things slow.

 

Hang in there, it gets better, it seems to be getting better.

[kbjinnc]

My biggest problem right now is trying to figure out how to get this place I bought for us in my name only. I put her name on it when I bought it. The bank would not put her name on the loan. I thought we were getting married soon after I did it, but she put that off. I don't want to have to pay her anything for walking away. I am the one who bought the place and have 8 more years I have to pay the loan. I don't intend to sell it, or leave. I'll be spending my money on the taxes and up keep. She has never been responsible for any of it. She said she wouldn't sign it over unless I paid her half of what it's worth. That's a joke!

[Beec]

I think you need to speak to lawyer with regard to that issue.

[kbjinnc]

She keeps doing it. She popped up at a bar I was in last night. She kept looking at me and trying to start problems between me and other guys in there. I don't know if I can keep walking away. I got so mad I thought I was going to loose it. I had to walk out and just leave her there. She is going to make me hate her if she keeps this up. I don't even know her now. I almost hit one guy that was running his mouth to me about her. My life sucks right now.

[Beec]

I really don't know what to tell you about this. I don't know how to tell her to stop, which is what you need to do. My only suggestion is maybe for you to tell her off publicly. But that's kind of risky too.

 

When someone else talks to you about her, you can ask them to stop.

 

Also, maybe you should begin a new thread with just that question.

[ZoeMatthews]

Since you were not married and you paid all the bills, then you might be able to get the house back in your name...talk to a lawyer asap

 

First off, please please stay away from her. She seems to be on a path of self destruction....

 

One thing I wanted to suggest to you, since you mentioned that everything in the house reminds you of her (in fact, you said you still have a few of her possessions in your house), well, pack up all of her stuff in garbage bags or boxes, whichever works better for you. Put that stuff in your garage or storage room.

 

You should give yourself little projects like, painting the bedroom...change the furniture around...in other words...do things that make you happy. You are not living to make her happy anymore...make yourself happy.

 

I think that once you change things around, you are going to feel better about your surroundings.

 

Good Luck!! We are here for you.

 

Z.

[kbjinnc]

I have put all her stuff in a room I don't use. I also feel like I should be able to get her name off this place, but you never no what a Judge will do. I am afraid if I go to court to try and do it, they will make me sale it and split the money.

I try to stay away from her. This is a small town and she keeps showing up.

She called me a few days ago and sounded like she wanted us to get back together for a while, then out of the blue she said she had slept with someone. It felt like the back of my neck was on fire. I asked why she was telling me that and she said she had to go and hung up. I think she was trying to hurt me by saying that, and not just trying to be honest. It was the wrong time for that to be said. Nothing said should have brought it up. There aint no telling what will happen next.

[Beec]

kbjinnc,

 

The simplest way to get her name off the house is to ask her and have her give you her rights to the house, a quitclaim deed should be able to handle that, if she will sign it. If she won't sign it, then you will have to go to a Court. If she might sign it, then figure out how to make that happen.

 

Otherwise, continue as you are. Keep your distance, and keep hanging in there. She probably did tell you that to hurt you, for some reason.

[kbjinnc]

A close friend of ours that has been hanging out with her told me last night that she told her about telling me she had slept with someone. She said it was not true, and she wont sure why she told me that. She isn't happy in the situation she put herself in. I think she is going to try and get back with me. I brought her home last night for a while from a party. I hope it wasn't a mistake and I had no idea that was going to happen. It didn't bother me too much when I took her back to the trailor she has rented. I decided that I would be nice the next time she came around me, and that was the result.

[Beec]

A close friend of ours that has been hanging out with her told me last night that she told her about telling me she had slept with someone. She said it was not true, and she wont sure why she told me that. She isn't happy in the situation she put herself in. I think she is going to try and get back with me. I brought her home last night for a while from a party. I hope it wasn't a mistake and I had no idea that was going to happen. It didn't bother me too much when I took her back to the trailor she has rented. I decided that I would be nice the next time she came around me, and that was the result.

 

I think you are really making progress in how you feel.

 

I would at this time be worried about getting the house in your name. But, you need to figure out how to persuade her.

[kbjinnc]

About an hour ago she called me and wanted a ride to where she left the borrowed truck she drives. I took her. She acted a little strange, but said she wanted to start seeing me, but take it slow for a while. I worry she is trying to keep me around for a while in case she can't make it own her own. I might be wrong, but she wouldn't even kiss me after she was all over me last night. I guess I'll go with the flow for a while to see what happens. I am considering myself as single as long as we are not really together again. Last night was great and I'll try for more like it as long as it don't start hurting me too much when she leaves.

[kbjinnc]

well everything went good until yesterday. She turned on me again for no reason at all that I know of. Mabe she was trying to keep me from moving on while she tries to figure out what she wants. That makes me feel like she can't have any love for me left, but she is insecure about making it own her own. What she keeps doing is helping me change my feelings about her. She is not the person I thought she was. Her friends are turning on her now also. They say she lives for drama and that I should stay away from her. She had me wrapped around her finger, and thinks she still does. She is going to be sorry when it hits her that she has lost so much. I know it can't be easy to find someone that will love her as much as I did and take on everything to make her life as easy as possible. She came from a poor family and never had anywhere near what I provided for her. She don't even understand love and I'll never understand why.

[SarahRose]

I am wondering if either of you having issues with alcohol? For 2 people in their 40s, you seem to spend a lot of time in bars.

 

You mentioned her menial job and poverty status several times. It seems almost insulting like she should be so grateful to you for dragging her low class self out of poverty.

 

She may be talking to you again but none of the real issues have been addressed or solved. You don't even know why she left. I would work on finding that out first.

[kbjinnc]

I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I just thought it was important to know what we had together. Her job did help us out living together, but I know what her rent is, and it's half of the total she makes a month. We didn't go to bars but way once in a while when we were together. I just hate staying here without her and need to be around my friends. I get very depressed here now. I tried to understand why she left. The reasons she gave me were that she felt trapped by our relationship, controled by it, and obligated to doing things for me like it was some kind of routene. I didn't know she felt like that and don't understand why. I thought of our relationship every time I made a decision or did anything. A relationship is a little controling, but I didn't mind it. I don't know how to understand her feelings about us. I do know how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with her forever.

Alcohol was never a problem with us. I was so sure that we were perfect for each other, and that don't feel too good now.

[Beec]

kbjinnc,

 

I think staying away from her is a good thing. If she acts in some way like a drama queen, know that if successful in such tactics, she will control you. If not, you probably won't have much use for her. Women, most of the time, use drama in this way to mkae you chase them. They get or feign anger to get you to chase them and apologize for what you did o offend them in some way. The slighter the act, the more they are seeking to control you. Don't let them.

 

If you are in a relationship, the relationship has to control some things. Love is doing what is best for the other person, at least some times, and you should sometimes want to make the decision that will make your partner happy, even though it would not be your choice. Her feeling that the relationship controlled her, tells me she either is not in lvoe or does not know what it is. So, she's not the one for you.

 

Hang in there.

[kbjinnc]

I guess I should have stayed away. but she started coming to see me and spending time with me. She said she wanted to try again. Everything was good until today. I called to see when I could see her again, and she said it was over again. I didn't do anything and we had a good night last night. I got to find a way to stay away. I found out later that her son got kicked out of school for good today. I think I am paying for it. I had my hopes up that we were going to work things out. She called my cell phone from a womans house that she has called from before and hung up when I answered. I don't know what she was doing other than seeing I wasn't home. My cell phone dosn't work here and she knows it. She is turning me against her now AND I loved her so much.

[Beec]

You've made a couple steps back, but not all the way back, I hope. Get back to keeping busy, to keep your mind off her, and to staying away from her.

 

hang in there.

[kbjinnc]

Last night I stoped at a store, and a girl that knows my X asked me if I had seen her. I told he no, and she said my X still didn't know what she wants. I wonder If my X thinks I am just going to sit here alone forever waiting to see what she wants. I am starting to think of my X as a crazy person. I don't feel like she ever really loved me and can't see how she thinks she can come back and make everything OK any time she wants to. I miss the person I thought she was, but don't feel like that person was real. I am getting old enough now to know I don't need to waist time with someone like her. I want to find the one that will be with me late in life if I can.

[Beec]

I think if you expect anyone, including her, to conform to a standard or behavior or to work for the same goal, then when they do not, you need to let them know you there are consequences for their choices. She made a choice, there should be a consequence.

[kbjinnc]

I told her not to come back Saturday. She came and wanted to get some of the things she left and was acting like I was nothing to her. It's hard to see someone who I thought loved me act like my feelings mean nothing to her. I don't understand how a person can turn on someone that has been here for her so long. We never had any of the big problems that usually break up relationships. I know now that she couldn't have really ever been in love with me. I don't know what she will do next, but I don't expect her to leave me alone for long. She should have seen that I have changed the way I feel and I didn't act like what she said to me hurt. It did make me angry at her. I don't even feel like I know her anymore. She is not the nice person I once thought she was and she could care less what happens to me. I didn't want to feel that way about her, but she is pushing me that way. Her power to hurt me is going away and I feel much stronger now. I don't know what's next with my life now, but it's not her. I will stay alone first. She even told me that she thought she loved me, but it must have been just lust. What kind of person would say that?

[kbjinnc]

I've been in full NC sense Saturday. The way she has been playing me has changed how I feel about her. It's not bothering me too much now, and I am ready to find someone else to spend time with. I know who lost in this situation, and It wasn't me. I will never understand her and wont try anymore. If something gets straight in her head and she wants me, she will have to come after me and hope she can find a way to fix what she messed up. I was strong before her and will be again. She wont the first and wont be the last girl in my life. I just need to learn how to see when I'm being used or played with from now on. I am over the blaiming myself stage too. I know I did my best for her and gave her no reason to leave. If she wants me to chase her, beg, and make promises, she has lost me for good. She was wrong and she will have to go after what she wants and fight for it. I don't know if she has a chance or not now.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

she sounds very cruel and mentally unstable, so i think you are making a wise choice to stay away from her.

 

please talk to a lawyer about your house deed. if you don't do something about that, she could get a new boyfriend, and be influenced to take you to court to try to force a sale so she could take half of the profit from sale your house. Or if she is vindictive, she could try to stop you from selling it when you want to, because you can't sell with her name on the deed unless you get a signature or a court order returning it to your sole possession. also, since her name is on the deed, in theory she can demand access to the house because she is half owner. i really hope she doesn't know this, and don't tell her either!

 

the longer you wait without doing anything about the deed, the more you could lose. it is hard to think about that when you are hurting, but she sounds like she's the type that might enjoy sticking it to you, since she enjoyed trying to make you jealous etc. it is also a very mean and selfish person who would would just move out one day without even talking to you about it first, so she really could be capable of all kinds of bad behavior over the house.

 

at least talk to an attorney to get advice about what you can do, and how soon you should do it. she is the kind of person you need to get completely out of your life as quickly as possible, she is nothing but pain and bad news from the sound of it.

[kbjinnc]

She went to lawyer and he told her she could not force a sale. We weren't married and everything is fiananced in my name only. I had a lawyer to fix everything when I bought it and he and the bank knows the only reason her name is on it is because I asked for it to be. I'll get her name off as soon as get the time to get the papers to the lawyer. She won't face me in court over it. She will sign first. Too many people know how she did me and will be behind me in court if she chose to fight me. Everything has still been quiet, and she didn't try to contact me yet. Weekends are when I have to expect anything to happen.

Thanks...

[Beec]

Contact the lawyer and take care of it, ASAP. This is not something you want hanging over you.

 

I hope you are right about her signing and not fighting.

 

Hang in there.

[kbjinnc]

I saw my X girlfriend last night. She came into a bar I was in and didn't even speak to me. She kept looking at me in a way that made me feel like she was laughing at me on the inside. A guy who I thought was a friend of mine and who knew about us went over and started talking to her. In no time she was walking out with him and his brother. I thought I could handle it much better than I did. I've heard she has been going with anybody she can find, and I did not know she was that kind of girl. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I wish I had never met her. I know she wants me to keep hurting. but she left me and I don't know why she is doing this to me. I went over to my friend while he was talking to her and asked him why he wanted to hang around her after he has said lots of bad stuff about her and the people running the bar came over and told me to get away from them or leave. I thought all these people were my friends and to me what she was doing was causing trouble. I feel like I am never going to be the same person I was before her. I am having trouble talking to new people now.