Shock

[Gracelove]

I'm exhausted, i don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm shaking inside, my whole body feels this way.

I don't know what's happening to me, and I'm scared.

 

I feel like I need to just lay in bed for a while, but then I'm afraid I'll just lay up there like a vegetable.

 

I feel like crying, but I don't let it out these days.

 

I feel like a train wreck, and I'm worried I'll get sick again.

 

After the rape I became really ill. I had to go to the emergency room three times.

 

I think it's because I was sooo stressed, and my immune system crashed.

 

I don't want to be sick like that again, but I feel like something bad is about to happen.

 

I wish I could have kept my same therapist, at least I was improving.

I can't do this on my own.

 

I'm tired of going from therapist to therapist, it doesn't help me any, I miss my old one.

I'm just so sad, ya know.

Life isn't great for me right now.

 

I found out that my rapist isn't in Georgia anymore, he's in Florida.

He's is going to avoid going to Georgia at all costs because he knows he's in trouble.

 

And then I have been getting these phone calls from a Georgia number.

I don't know of anyone with that particular area code. No one I know has that number.

 

And this person leaves me 5 minute voicemails that are completely silent.

 

And....I don't know.

If he feels like he can harass me, he's wrong.

 

I called the number back, but you can't leave a message or hear a voicemail.

My friend told me that this person is pressing the "ignore" button.

 

I don't know, silent messages aren't going to scare me, I've been through too much.

I think it's stupid though, and very childish.

I didn't have someone playing on my phone until after the rapist had been contacted by the police.

 

I just don't know what to do because I don't feel like I'm getting better.

 

I've grown so much, and have improved a lot, what would cause a relapse???

 

And I do still have nightmares, I thought that phase would have been pretty much over.

 

I don't think there is anything more I'd like to do than lay in bed and stay there.

 

But I'm afraid I won't be able to get up.

 

So I force myself to see my friend and her baby everyday.

But the whole time I'm soooo exhausted.

 

I'm just so exhausted lately.

The sleep medicine, sleep, isn't preventing the exhaustion.

 

I just want to close myself of from the world.

 

But how can I make a living and do that?

 

I want to work. I want to buy things and go places. I want to be an independent woman, I've wanted that since the age of 2. And now I'm 23.

I've always been a go-getter. I've always been able to work and get what I want.

 

But now, life is just so blan, and that's a nice way to put it.

I feel like...like there is an ocean, a raging ocean. And a beautiful dark and cloudy sky. And that I'm looking out over this beautiful ocean, right at the shore....and I feel calm looking at it...I'm just there looking at it in all of it's beauty. And I'm doing okay looking at it, but I know that for some reason I'm going to have to walk into that ocean...and I'm at the place where I've grown used to the idea, and can be calm at the sight of the ocean, but yet I'm terrified, because I know that ocean will overtake me.

 

And that's how I feel, that if I just sit long enough, that ocean will overtake me, and I don't know where I'll end up.

 

I can feel myself getting worse, I can feel myself getting sick.

 

I feel like my whole life has to be put on hold because someone decided to be evil.

Someone decided to do something so cruel to someone and have absolutely no remorse.

 

There aren't even words for the things been going through.

There aren't words to describe such agony.

 

And I just don't understand how there are so many of these people just running around reeking havoc.

 

It's like Satan's own personal army running around on earth trying to destroy as many people as possible.

 

And why aren't they punished?

 

The aftermath of rape seems more harsh than death.

At least with death the pain subsides.

That's it, no more pain.

But to deal with this horribleness (sp?) day in and day out with no end it sight.....is more than cruel and unsual punishment...it's a form of hell.

 

I just can't believe it.

 

Anyways, I hate this feeling of shock, I thought that part was long gone.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way.

 

Does anyone have some idea?

[rose2summer]

Hey Grace,

 

Hun, I am so sorry you are going through this, here's a great big hug for you!

 

Everything you are going through is a normal part of the grieving process after rape: the sleep medicines, etc.

 

Don't be too harsh on yourself, as you are recovering.

 

In terms of the phone calls, you can use link removed to find out the owner of the phone, and then if it is indeed your rapist, then report it to the police and maybe get a restraining order, so he cannot call you.

 

You deserve to be left alone and not harassed and him calling you without identifying himself and leaving strange blank message is harassment in my opinion.

 

I am curious, why do you keep switching therapists? Are you actually seeing a rape treatment therapist or a general therapist? I highly recommend a rape therapist as they are trained in rape specifically, deal with it on a daily basis, and can provide more advice that is specific to your needs.

 

I went through what you felt, in a slightly different way, as we all cope differently, but I can relate to your pain.

 

Although it's hard to believe, it will get better, you just need to keep looking at the light.

 

Hugs, Rose

[blueangel]

I love you

 

I love you

 

I love you

 

I love you

 

I love you

 

Don't be scared. I believe in you. Even if I don't know you, expression is the first step to realization. Then from realization comes clarity.... and then strength. It can be a fast process once we choose to be aware of it and ourselves.

 

YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN MAKE IT!! NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh! You all are so sweet! Thank you so much!