Another follow-Up, Interesting Correspondence

[Gator]

Hey all,

 

Thank you all that have supported me and shared your comments. It is nice to feel that there is caring from people that I did not know prior to posting here. You all have truly made a difference.

 

 

Well, I thought I would share some email correspondence subsequent to seeing my ex after two months of no contact. See my other posts if interested in my history with her.

 

Here is the first email I wrote to her yesterday, almost one week after seeing each other:

 

Hey sexy forearm girl,

 

Good seeing you last week. You look great, not chubbed out at all,

despite what you think. I don't know why you worry, even though the

Indian guy asked "what happened to you???" (still laughing about

that).

 

You did a great job on ***, thank you again for penciling us in at

the last minute.

 

I've been wondering about something you said. You commented something

about that I always go out with * * * * *es. Then you used V and you

as an example. Were you calling yourself a * * * * *?

 

Here is her response a few hours later:

 

No... I guess I just got " * * * * *y". That is what I meant I just meant that

even though you cared about me, it was making you feel bad and also grumpy,

and you should have broken up with me sooner. Simply for the reason that is

was unhealthy. Know what I mean?

 

 

My response the next day (today):

 

 

Hmm...very interesting. It's funny, there was a point where I was

going to break up with you. I came very close and I decided not to. I

knew that you were only reacting to the situation at the time. Not

that it was an excuse, but I knew you were unhappy with the long

distance thing and it was affecting us in a bad way. I wanted to give

you the benefit of the doubt. I tried to be strong and keep things

together, but at the same time I distanced myself emotionally (which

of course made things worse). I was trying to find a position back in

town and I knew if I did, things would work out. I also figured that

if I stayed in ****, I would have to break up with you.

 

I guess I wanted to know that I did everything I could to make it work

for us, as I truly loved you deeply ( you wouldn't know how much,

because I didn't share ; ) and I would not have any regrets. C'est la

vie : )

 

And her response a few minutes ago:

 

Well, at least you can say that you did do everything you could at that

time. It was just one of those things that we both needed to learn and did.

I think that the most important thing is that we still and even at the time

of the break up we really ttried to respect eachother as individuals. It is

nice that we can both learn and grow from our relationship and our end

result. I only wish you the best and hope that you will be happy and love

someone even more deeply than you did me. After all... you are in a totaly

different space in allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Just rememeber that

when you get scared of being vulnerable next time, you cannot gain anything

without the risk of losing something, and that if you do not put yourself

out there you will not know what you are missing

 

have a good day!

 

 

 

 

So again I have mixed feelings. It is nice that we can still talk like this with each other. I am glad that we had a positve impact on each other, one thing I always strive to do is make things beter, or at least no worse then before I encountered them. However, it would have been nice if we could have been together again, now that distance is not a factor. I really loved this woman.

 

This sounds like I am definetly in the friendzone and should completely give up hope of getting back together romantically? Do you all agree or disagree?

 

S

[Scout]

I don't think you sound Friendzoned, if anything, it sounds like you two are kind of feeling each other out and testing the waters a bit. She told you:

 

Just rememeber that

when you get scared of being vulnerable next time, you cannot gain anything

without the risk of losing something, and that if you do not put yourself

out there you will not know what you are missing

 

Take the hint! If you really love this woman, and you think she still has feelings for you, see if there's still a chance.

[Gator]

Hey Scout,

 

You think? The thing is she is dating someone else, its been about 2 months now. This is why I thought it was over.

 

S

[Scout]

It's possible. And it's only been two months she's dating him. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. It's a risk, but I bet you'll regret later on you didn't take it if you decide not to. What do you really have to lose? Sure, a little pride if she rejects you. But she may not reject you, or if she does, she may change her mind after she thinks about it a bit.

[iceman85]

I'm gonna go against Scout here and tell you that if shes dating someone else to back off. The last thing you want to do right now is force the issue. There were problems with your relationship, let her get away from that, let yourself get away from that.

 

Suprisingly this new guy may be your best weapon, shes gonna be comparing him to you, if you let things be and she starts seeing things in him that arent like they were with you it gets the ball rolling.

 

The email to me sounds very much like two friends talking to each other. You are not friendzoned if you do not want to be. This type of continued correspondance will land you there, but if you just be strong and let things be, see how it goes in a way, you can then work toward a time where you can test the waters, ask her to hang out, see how things go. You have to rebuild that comfort and everything you had before. Mentioning the past is not a good thing unless absolutley necessary.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Scout]

Suprisingly this new guy may be your best weapon, shes gonna be comparing him to you, if you let things be and she starts seeing things in him that arent like they were with you it gets the ball rolling.

 

I agree, and I think now is the ideal time to find out if the comparisons are in Gator's favor, rather than wait too much longer to the point where she'd feel guilty to leave the new guy. Think about it, the longer she's with him, the more she's going to feel obligated to him.

[iceman85]

This is true, maybe feel it out, I dont think going for the whole prize right now would be to his benefit however since she is involved.

[Gator]

Thank you both for your replies. I like what you are saying Scout, but I fear that iceman might be right. Right after she told me that she was going to start dating again (the guy she is with now), 3 months ago, I went into reactionary mode. I didn't beg, but pretty close. I told her we could make it work, give it another chance, etc. She told me that she had moved on and it would be a good idea for me to do the same. She did not like the way she felt with me (her needs were not being met) and she had no desire to go back to that (getting back together).

 

So, I went into rigid NC after sending her one last goodbye email telling her not to contact me again. My thoughts are that she already knows how I feel, and she already responded that she didn't want to get back together. Do you think this could have changed over the last 2 months of NC? It seems the switch in her mind has gone over to "No romance with him." I just wonder if it is likely that she has reconsidered?

[Scout]

Ok, you two didn't break up because she lost interest in you...you broke up because she felt you didn't care about her the way she wanted you to care about her. She felt your relationship was not at a deep enough level.

 

So, that's actually in your favor.

 

Sure, she told you to move on. She might have thought you only wanted her once it was clear she was leaving you. You made an attempt which she rebuffed, and then you didn't try again - in fact, you closed the door on even talking with each other going forward.

 

Perhaps both of you are letting pride get in the way, I don't know. But if you truly care about her and want to be with her, yes, I think you should talk to her again. In person. I think you should be honest with her about your feelings, and that you want to make an honest attempt at a real relationship where her needs ARE being met.

 

She could say no initially - and mean it. Or she could say no initially and then after a bit of time, change her mind once she really thinks about it. This could be about trusting her feelings for you again, trusting that she won't get hurt.

 

I don't know, and neither do you.

 

But isn't it worth it to find out? If she is adamant about not rekindling something, does that make you a wuss, a loser? Hell no! It means you were emotionally mature and honest, and took a risk of taking a hit to your pride because you genuinely love her.

 

AND...this could actually turn out to have a happy ending, by the way. You just won't know until you try.

[Gator]

Scout, thank you for this perspectiv. I honestly have not decided on a course o action yet, but this will be considered.

 

What do you suggest? Should I email her back, and if so what should I say, continue the dialogue or change the subject? Should I ask her out, I dont know how she will react to that?

 

I know when I called her to groom my dog after two months of NC, she was extremely excited to hear from me, but she had truly wanted to remain friends after the break up. I also knwo that after she agreed to groom my dog, she called me back an hour later to ask if that was the only reason that I wanted to see her. She wanted to know if I had an ulterior motive. I told her that she was the best groomer and that was the only reason that I asked her. I kind of jokingly made fun of her and told her she was supposed to be studying, and she replied that no she was returning calls prior to calling me. I wonder if she spoke to the guy she is dating and he questioned her and thus she called me to clarify my intent.

 

Anyway, what is your opinion of this email reply: ?

 

Exactly, life is about learning and growing, that is my passion. I agree with you on how great it is how we both maintained mutual respect for each other even after breaking up.

 

I feel bad that you wouldn't take my check for grooming ****. I think you messed up my register How about I take you to ****** for old times sake? Just as friends of course. It will be fun.

 

S

 

 

 

That was our favorite restaurant. Please offer any suggestions.

[Scout]

Anyway, what is your opinion of this email reply: ?

 

Exactly, life is about learning and growing, that is my passion. I agree with you on how great it is how we both maintained mutual respect for each other even after breaking up.

 

I feel bad that you wouldn't take my check for grooming ****. I think you messed up my register How about I take you to ****** for old times sake? Just as friends of course. It will be fun.

 

S

 

That was our favorite restaurant. Please offer any suggestions.

 

You know, I think you need to be honest with her, but you can be so without laying all your cards on the table. I would not say, "just as friends." Seriously, because that's not your intention. Nor would I reference "respecting each other after breaking up." That also makes it sound like you're just fine and dandy and have moved on. I would send an email basically like what you suggest, but slightly revised:

 

Thanks for the email, and what you said in it. I really appreciate your kind words. By the way, I feel bad that you wouldn't take my check for grooming ****. How about I take you to ****** for old times sake? We can catch up a bit more, and it'll be fun. I'd like to see you.

 

S

 

Yes, it's a bold move. And news flash: we women are kind of partial to bold moves.

[Gator]

Perfect Scout,

 

Should I add, "which is better for you, this Saturday or next Saturday?"

[Scout]

Hmmm...not sure that's necessary. I'd just pose the idea of the date first. See what she says, then set the date.

[shellshocked]

Hey Gator -

 

Scout DOES give the best advice!!

But, this time I think I'm seeing it differently too.

 

Her emails to you sound TOTALLY "friendly" to me.

You were being funny and flirty...and if she was interested

in "playing" there, I think you set things in motion...

But she didn't respond with the same tone.

 

Sounds to me like she's just trying to be nice....

[Gator]

We will see what happens. I sent the email asking her to dinner this AM, I'll let you know how she responds. One thing is for sure, it will catch her off guard.

[Gator]

Also, when I went over there, she had her washed and down the way I like it. She must have intentionally done it this way, because it was late at night and she told me she had taken a nap. It would have been up in a pony tail if she didn't take the time to prepare it. She also asked me a million times if I thought she had put on weight. I don't know if this means anything, but I thought it was noteworthy.

[Scout]

Also, when I went over there, she had her washed and down the way I like it. She must have intentionally done it this way, because it was late at night and she told me she had taken a nap. It would have been up in a pony tail if she didn't take the time to prepare it. She also asked me a million times if I thought she had put on weight. I don't know if this means anything, but I thought it was noteworthy.

 

Yeah, if she went to the trouble to do her hair late at night, that definitely says something.

[Scout]

And thanks, Shellshocked, for the nice words about my advice....I'm not always right, but I hope I am this time. Maybe your instincts are correct on this one, though, but we'll see.

 

I think the important thing is that Gator feels he loves this woman and wants to make an authentic effort to restore what they had. And I think that's important, however it turns out.

 

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to this concept of strict NC...and I wonder how many second chances have been lost because of our pride getting in the way of contacting our exes. Especially when there were still a lot of feelings on both sides.

[Gator]

Here is the reply:

 

Thank you for the offer, but I do not think that would be a great idea. I

need to keep some separation between us. It would not be fair to** and

what we are working on. I mean I would like to keep things on good terms,

but there needs to be some restrictions okay?

 

 

Well that is pretty clear, how should I respond? She is setting boundaries obviously and does not want to pursue this. I don't want to be a jerk, but I think that just being friends, with no hope for more, could lead to pain for me.

[Scout]

I think that just being friends, with no hope for more, could lead to pain for me.

 

All right, let me think about this a bit. I agree if there was "no hope for more" than just being friends would not be ideal for you, at this point. On the other hand, I am not sure if it's a good idea to fire back any kind of response that permanently shuts the door.

 

Again, let me think this over. Don't do anything yet.

[Scout]

Ok, gave it some thought. She is definitely being pretty clear here. Does she really feel that way? I don't know. Based on some things you describe, it seems to me she still does have feelings for you, but for whatever reasons, it looks like she is trying to put them on a shelf for now.

 

I know her email isn't what you were hoping to hear, but there is a positive: at least you know now that this is where she stands, and so you can stop living in an environment of "what-ifs." This may sting your pride, your ego, and it may hurt your heart...but it might also give you the motivation to move on once and for all.

 

Also, she may change her mind, but you can't sit around waiting for that to happen. I agree settling for "just friends" is unrealistic, and it won't give you what you really want. It would be frustrating. With that in mind, I think in your response you should be gracious, and yet make it clear that your intention was for something beyond friendship. Just so there are no more unclear, mixed messages, should she try to keep calling you under her terms (or, restrictions, as she put it.)

 

Here is what I suggest you respond:

 

Thank you for your honesty. Since you are concentrating on your relationship, I think it better I just let you do that and bow out.

 

Take care, Gator

[Gator]

Thanks Scout,

 

I do feel closer to a sense of closure with her after that email. Yesterday I felt suprisingly good after reading it and I hope I continue to feel this way. Today is my birthday, so I am going to wait and see if she contacts me today before I respond.

 

If she calls, I am debating as to whether I should answer the phone. I am thinking the conversation could be awkward.

[shellshocked]

Happy Birthday Gator!!!

[Scout]

Well...happy birthday! I know right now you may not feel like throwing confetti all over the place, but I did suspect that if it turned out this way, you might get more of a feeling of closure. Any feeling is better than always wondering "What if I had done this instead..."

 

If she calls, I think you should take the call. Yes, it could be awkward, but it's always better to talk things out in person or on the phone than via email. You never know, she could change her mind. Of course, I don't think you should sit around waiting for that call or for her to change her mind, but the key here is to actually be direct and honest about where you're coming from. I went through several of your past threads, and it seems communication was one of the issues you two had. Well, it may be too late now to fix that, but you can go forward being honest and clear about what you're feeling from this point forward, whether with her if she calls, or in your next relationship. It's just a pretty good practice to follow.

 

Gator, if you ever want to private message me about some of the stuff I mention above, I'd be happy to talk to you in more detail. I've learned a great deal over the last year about the importance of healthy communication in a relationship and letting go of the pride that often causes so much mischief in our relationships, as well. Again, I'd be happy to share that with you.

[crvers]

Gator, if you ever want to private message me about some of the stuff I mention above, I'd be happy to talk to you in more detail. I've learned a great deal over the last year about the importance of healthy communication in a relationship and letting go of the pride that often causes so much mischief in our relationships, as well. Again, I'd be happy to share that with you.

 

I have been lightly following your thread Gator, and have read some of your past posting. I couldn't agree more with the above quote. Communication is definitely key in a relationship, and once that fails eventually so will the relationship. Sometimes it takes a breakup to finally be able to be open and honest with one another. And in your case, this has happened.

 

In this regard your one of the lucky few. Many of us are not able to talk to our exes with the depth that you have been able to. AND, if/when that openess can happen, its usually years past when this conversation no longer matters. Keep this in mind when you are talking about things with her. When she replied to your email she didn't shut the door on you or get angry about what you had to say. She was honest about where she was and about what she was doing. I don't hear thes door to her heart is closed to you. But right now maybe she's in another place trying to figure some things out for herself. This doesn't mean that in the future you two couldn't get back together, it just means right now isn't the right time.

 

In some ways you have to respect that she is being respectful to everyone involved in this situation. I have found people these days are too willing to walk over anyone to get what they want without thinking of the repercussions.

 

Because of what has happened recently in my life, I have a renewed belief in Fate and Karma. Because karma kicked me when I became pompous, and fate showed me what was hidden from view. If its meant to happen you'll know. Stay close, keep communication open with the emotional depth you currently have, and continue being what you know best - yourself. If she still loves you, she'll come back. And if not, then you'll at least have someone who you can always depend on - and trust me, its hard finding people like that these days.

 

Happy Birthday mate.