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My boyfriend is a compulsive liar....i think....


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(btw im 17 years old, im in grade 12, he is also 17 and is home schooled and takes some extra college courses through this program)

 

i met him a year ago, on the internet, this site that was a RPG community. we became quick friends over three months...with feelings leading deeper then just "friends". well thats around the time i found out about his lies. he had lied about being a Christian, lied about having a gf before and about porn and stuff. he had lied because he hadnt wanted to be rejected, cuz he lied to everyone...about that stuff... anyways...he came clean and then we started going out. Then, somehow...the issue of "how far have you gone with the opposite sex" came up, and well....he kinda went back and forth between that for awhile, saying he hadnt even Kissed a girl to that he had almost had sex with one...he lied about doing things with girls cuz....he thought he was weak for not having done anything with a girl before. so the truth comes out after awhile finally that he had not done anything with a girl.

 

then....somewhere along the road we swapped email passwords....and i found some emails in his inbox from ages ago that ya know....lead me to believe that he had had a girlfriend before. i asked him about it he "came clean" and said yes he had had two girlfriends before. i found more "info" from his inbox saying that....well leading me to believe that it had been an online relationship. i Pressed the issue with him and he came clean to admitting that he used to have One gf, and it had only been online for two or three months. all this time we were working on the issue of porn. I am against porn, 100%....and if its high standards to want my boyfriend to not look at porn, well then i have high standards (this also goes along with my beliefs as a Christian). He had been a Christian when he had been younger but had lost faith. some time after we had started going out he found his faith again and that is the One thing he had never made me be suspicious about, that he did indeed believe God and Love Jesus. anyways back to the porn issue. we had talked, alot, he didnt want to have an addiction to porn, he didnt want to look at it, we shared common thoughts on the issue i guess you could say. so...around 4-5 months he had stopped looking at porn, 100%, just had stopped.

 

well last night i found out that he hadnt really "stopped" that he had kept falling down and look at it around every three weeks and just didnt tell me....now he has installed this X3watch program that sends me an email report of any "questionable" sites he has been to every two weeks. anyways he also said he had lied about other stuff, not big things just....alot of the "stories" he had told me about him from his past that maybe he thought made him "look" good, well they were lies...and that there was probably other things he had lied about but he couldnt think about what they had been (it was really late at night and he is really sick right now) oh and also but he did say, well when i asked him if he took away all the lies he had told me if i would still know him, he said yes, so the majority of our realtionship is real, not lies. and a couple months ago...his cuzin formed a crush on him while she was staying there for a week. she is 14. from what i was told she followed him around everywhere ya know i guess in a flirtatious way, and had this really skimpy slutty bikini that she wore. anyways he had known her for four years before he met me and thought of her as a little sister (he lost his little sister to miscarriage years before). anyways so she keeps acting all "flirty" around him on msn after she gets home still and we talk and he blocks and deletes her. then somehow she told his younger brother on this online game, and he told his parents and then his parents asked him about it. he said that I had said he shouldnt talk to her and stuff. so anyways long story short he lied about how it had all went down and ended up re added her again. (all this time he kinda thought she was just confused and innocent and stuff) so around a month ago he kind of realizes that she has been lying to him. just from conversations they had and what she did. anyways he just realized that she wasnt so innocent and that they werent really friends anymore b/c her life style to him was a lie. (btw somewhere before this he used to have alot of friends that were girls on this msn list, then one day he said he was getting rid of them, and i said i would do the same with the guys on my list) anyways....we met for real a month ago, when he came here for a week, he stayed in a hotel, and we did some stuff together. nothing oral, but we came pretty close to doing oral though.

 

anyways just....i had looked him in the eyes before we had done anything and asked him if he had looked at any porn since the last time he had told me and he said no and ya....when he really had cuz i found that out last night. (btw through all of this we had started sending vids and pic of each other....private videos and pictures over the net). we have been through alot together, and i can honestly tell him anything and he accepts me, loves me. i guess its just a compulsive lying disorder he has....idk....and i asked him last night if he could really stop lying about....just these stories he tells me and stuff an just in general not lie so much and he said idk, and i told him he needs to think and then call me or Im me or something.....but he needs to think....idk....do some explaining.....show me that....he will try to stop lying, talk to his therapist about it or something.. you see....he was sexually abused more then once when he was younger, by someone he had trusted...in the church, maybe thats why he lies so much...i just dont know. i Love him, i want to stay with him, he was going to move here next here and take college courses here next year and even get in alot of debt to do it, to be with me. he says he wants to marry me, that he loves me. i just need some advice....or maybe i just needed to get this all off my chest and let it out...i love him....so dont tell me otherwise....we have been together for 11 days short of 11 months.

 

sigh....just....i just need to tell people that and get their honest reaction i guess, i cant talk to my mom about this or she will flip and be all protective of me and be a good mother and me and my dad never talk and my friends are great but just...they have problems of their own, most of them with worst problems then mine, and i feel as if i cant get a honest or rational good reaction out of them....anyways....ya...please help....anything would be good....

 

btw: just to let you know i am staying with him, just...maybe some advice could help or your opinions or idk....i just need to hear what others think about this other then...ya anyways

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Okay. My advice is...He's a liar. You can't change him & if he really wanted to change he would have done so by now. This is him. Take him or leave him.

My greatest lesson I ever learnt through my experience & friends experiences "Never date someone expecting them to change, it doesn't happen."

I know you love him. But I dont' think this is a healthy relationship At all. I don't think you'll be happy 5 years from now...The entire relationship was based on lies. And as the bible teaches us, we need a good foundation. He doesn't have it & your relationship with him doesn't have one. A healthy happy marriage can't be built on this.

I think you are younge & you found your first love. But like 90% of the worlds first loves...he's not the one for you. You are younge, there are so many men out there. Find a man who You can't write an entire page of lies he's told you in less than a year...This is a Huge red flag.

Darling, You deserve better. You deserve someone who's words you can believe. Someone who brings out the good in you. Someone who knows you deserve honesty, who won't cheapen you with lies, like it's a game. Don't look at who he could be, see him for what he is. He's a liar.

 

-just for next time, space your post into paragraphs. It makes is easier to follow & read. You'll get a lot more advice from others that way.

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This relationship is so screwed up I don't even know where to begin:

 

I am against porn, 100%

 

And your boyfriends definitely not. There's nothing wrong with porn.If it depicts violence towards women or is some freaky S/M stuff then yeah, he might have a problem.

But he's a 17-YEAR-OLD MALE!!! Ask around. Pretty much every guy uses some form of porn. What next? He's not allowed to masturbate because you think it's 'just wrong and sick'?

 

some time after we had started going out he found his faith again and that is the One thing he had never made me be suspicious about, that he did indeed believe God and Love Jesus.

 

Ok, great. But are you really sure? He has a bad habit of lying. Or maybe he just pretends to to please you.

 

now he has installed this X3watch program that sends me an email report of any "questionable" sites he has been to every two weeks.

 

* * *?!?!? What are you, his mother? What sites he visits are up to him.

 

anyways he also said he had lied about other stuff, not big things just....alot of the "stories" he had told me about him from his past that maybe he thought made him "look" good, well they were lies...and that there was probably other things he had lied about but he couldnt think about what they had been (it was really late at night and he is really sick right now) oh and also but he did say, well when i asked him if he took away all the lies he had told me if i would still know him, he said yes, so the majority of our realtionship is real, not lies.

 

Maybe he regrets this and was only doing it to impress you. Or he really is a pathological liar. Who knows?

 

and a couple months ago...his cuzin formed a crush on him while she was staying there for a week. she is 14. from what i was told she followed him around everywhere ya know i guess in a flirtatious way, and had this really skimpy slutty bikini that she wore.

 

Yeah, big deal. Girls get crushes. Even on cousins I guess. But instead of ignoring it you made a big deal out of it and told him to block her?

 

anyways he just realized that she wasnt so innocent and that they werent really friends anymore b/c her life style to him was a lie.

HAAHA! What a hypocrite.

 

(btw somewhere before this he used to have alot of friends that were girls on this msn list, then one day he said he was getting rid of them, and i said i would do the same with the guys on my list)

What? That's just screwed up. You're getting rid of friends of the opposite sex just because you two are dating.

 

 

 

you see....he was sexually abused more then once when he was younger, by someone he had trusted...in the church, maybe thats why he lies so much...

 

Maybe that's why he stopped going to church.

 

i cant talk to my mom about this or she will flip and be all protective of me

If I told my mother something like this she'd freak too...but she'd be more worried about my poor boyfriend. Probably call his parents and tell them to keep me far, far away from him.

 

i just dont know. i Love him, i want to stay with him

 

If you love your boyfriend so much, why do you keep on trying to change him and manipulate him?

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Well i have gotten two VERY different reactions from two different forums i have posted this on... well here are some Other people reactions...im Sooo confused....sigh..

 

dragontears wrote

 

hey tohru, i've talked to zetsumei once or twice before. he is head over heels in love with you. he talks about you non-stop and is always concerned that he may have done anything that can hurt you. i think you both are at a tough point in your lives, and he has some serious things in his past that he needs to come to grips with. i don't think he means to lie to you, and i know that the last thing he wants to do is hurt you or cause you not to trust him. i know from great personal experience that if you dig deep enough into anyone's past you will find something you don't like, you're only hurting yourself by trying to dig up all his lies. if you don't find anything you'll just keep looking, and if you do find something you'll just be hurt by it. it's a lose-lose situation. i'd stop investigating him if i were you. stand by him. inspire him to want to share his whole entire life with you and he will. and though it will be hard, let him know that you still love him and you'll love him no matter what he chooses to tell you. i promise you he cares deeply for you, be his support.

 

boulevard-traveler wrote

 

He does love you. He keeps telling us how wonderful and special you are to him. You're lucky to have a boyfriend like him, and he's lucky to have a girlfriend like you.

 

irishred wrote

 

I think the good thing, in spite of all the problems, is that the two of you are communicating and trying to work it out. It sounds like you both are very much in love with one another. Every relationship has problems and you have yours. Lying is a way to protect oneself from being left. We try to measure up all the time - and when we think we can't, we lie to make ourselves a little bigger and better than we are. Our fears, obviously, are that we'll be left behind if the real "us" comes out.

 

Z is exposing his real self, not always in a good way (by lying), but he is willing to step out there and do it. GIve each other a chance to work through all of this.

 

I hope it gets better.

 

----

 

ahhhhhhhh.............................gah......idk. ????

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You're confused?

Everyone who posted knows him they are friends with him......What did you really expect them to say?

They they are young too, not much experience trying to change someone yet. or experience knowing the difference between a healthy relationship & unhealthy one & the damage it can leave or where it will lead you to in life.

 

Plus, Love with out honesty & trust & a good foundation...can't last.

different morals & values & lifestyle & expectation

so where will your future lead you two?????

 

Do you really think this is what God intended for you...to marry a porn addicted man who constantly lies to you. Do you think this man is going to draw you closer to God???

When you think with your head & not with your heart, this isn't so confusing. But when you let your heart lead you...it will lead you astray.

 

I wish you happiness

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Ok, you are both 17 years old. You met online (did you actually meet in person?). He told you a lot of lies about kind of important stuff, things like being a christian, looking at porn, previous relationships, flirting. What do you exactly mean by being together for 11 months? Is this only online?

 

My advice is to forget about marriage until you are at least 4 years older than this. Your life will change SO much in that time, uni/college, getting your first job, etc. Girl, if he lies to you now, you will probably ALWAYS have a reason to not trust him. He might say that he loves you, but do you feel like he does, with all the lying? This is your first relationship? It can be SO much better than this, I promise you!!

 

I wish you happiness as well. I think that if God has intended a man for you, He won't send you a lying young boy who clearly is not mature. He will send you someone you feel comfortable with, someone you can trust for 100%. As long as you keep meeting guys that you give you plenty of reasons not to trust them, I am sure they are NOT the one for you.

 

Ilse

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well yes, we talk on the phone everyday, he came here a month ago for a week (as i stated in the post). and No we do not have any immediate plans for marrige any time soon (not for around 5 years, we want to finish college and stuff first). anyways everyone lies....if it continues...it will end. im hoping we can really get to know eachother for real, and grow in our realtionship once me moves here next year

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sounds conveluted and confusing to me but I will say this...you need to find yourself a person who thinks more in-line with your values and shares your opinions rather than trying to make someone who does not change.

 

You have control issues - not saying there's anything WRONG with that, just that you have to change yourself or switch partners.

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  • 2 weeks later...

well, you really sound like my over controlling ex.

 

first of all, he is lying because he wants to make you happy and if he doesn't lie you will try to change him. Don't suffocate him because it will hurt him in the long run.

 

all guys watch porn at some point. you said he was 17 no?

 

you can't expect him to be perfect to you. he is totally different obviously and don't try to change that! encourage him to be himself.

 

delete that x3 watch thing now, if you don't trust him enough to let him be by himself then it's over already. you are not supposed to be his mother but his equal partner. how can he come to you with problems when you just try to change him because it. How can he trust you enough to tell you the truth. he needs to protect his Identity and make personal choices about what he wants...not do everything you want him too.

 

I think you should leave him alone. let him be himself. don't worry about his porn for now. be great enough for him so he doens't need porn.

 

You really sound EXACTLY like my ex and this hits me home more then any other post I've read. STOP ruining him and let him go! poor boy

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first off, NEVER give anyone else your passwords, especially someone who you think might be a compulsive liar... he could use them to email scary stuff to other people in your name, or make online purchases in your name, whatever, but that level of trust is NOT justified in this case, change your passwords, and recognize that your private accounts should be just that PRIVATE! not a question of trust or bartering, a question of common sense and protecting yourself from others who might steal your identity for false purposes and really, really injure you in the process..

 

second, you are so young, and there are so many wolves in sheep's clothing out there, who represent themselves as "Christians" in an attempt to gain the trust of those other christians they hope to exploit. if this guy has huge psychological problems, it is not your problem to solve, especially at your age. as a Christian, you should refer him to a minister, or a counselor, or someone really trained to address his problems, and meeting him for pseudo-sexual rendevous and conversations will NOT help either of you.

 

please don't get sucked into his world, which obviously is very complicated and involves layers of lies and smoke to distract you... he is young to have so many problems such as pathological lying, so you can't fix this, and only prolong the problem by getting involved rather than referring him to someone who can really help him, and protecting yourself from any damage someone with these problems might cause you.

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