He doesn't want to have sex anymore...

[Jess90]

Hi, I'm Jess. I've never posted anything on this forum before but I really need to talk about this...

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months now. We first had sex after about 7 weeks of being together. We both agreed to not tell anyone about us having sex because we think it is our business and nobody elses. We're 16 (when we first did it we were only 15) so its still kinda a big deal to our friends and we don't want it getting spread around a lot. So because of promising not to tell anyone I can't discuss this with my friends, which is why I have decided to post this on here. Anyway back to the point...at first we had sex every week or two but then about two months ago I was a week late on and it really scared him. He thought that I might be pregnant. I told him it was very unlikely cos we always use protection and that sometimes girls are irregular. Since then we haven't had sex because he has been too worried about me getting pregnant. I've spoken to him about it and he said he doesn't want to because hes too worried...but the thing is I really want it.

 

I'm not sex obsessed at all, in fact I have very strong beliefs about sex. To be honest, sex isn't about pleasure for me. I've never had an orgasm from it. And although this may seem strange, neither has my boyfriend. I am slightly concerned about this but not too much because it doesn't bother me and we have both made each other orgasm before, just not through sex. To me sex means a hell of a lot. In my opinion its the ultimate way of showing someone you love them. Personally I only want to ever have sex with someone I love. I, personally, don't like the idea of one night stands. This may be because I'm 16 and have only had sex with one person but I just don't want to ever do that. So us having sex means a lot to me. It makes me feel like I'm definitly the only girl he wants to be with and that he loves me more than anyone. I know these things are true anyway, but when he is inside me it just makes me feel it more strongly than ever.

 

I know I should be glad that my boyfriend isn't trying to pressure me into having sex but I'm just worried that there is more to it than just the frightened of getting me pregnant thing. And I don't want to pressure him, but I just really miss being that close and intimate with him. I don't know what to do about it though. I've thought about getting put on the birth control pill because I think it would put his mind at rest about me getting pregnant. But its hard for me to just get put on the pill. I don't want to go behind my mum's back and go to the doctors but I can't tell her that I want it for birth control either. I have spoken to her about going on it because I get very bad period cramps and the pill is meant to help with them. I think she is ok about it because when I was last late on was when we were going on holiday and it made it difficult for me to go swimming and stuff. She said we would talk about it because I want to be able to control it but that was about a month ago now and nothing has been said since. Even if I do go on the pill I don't know whether my boyfriend will want to have sex then.

 

Has anybody got any suggestions of what I should do? This may not seem like a problem but to me it is. I'm quite insecure and need to be constantly reminded that I'm loved. So to me having sex with my boyfriend lets me know that I am because he wouldn't do it unless he really did love me. I suppose I'm just getting worried that he doesn't feel the same way anymore. But the thing is, he is the same as he used to be with everything else. He still always tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. The only difference in our relationship now is the lack of sex. We still "fool around" quite a bit, just no sex.

 

Please let me know what you all think about all this. I'm really starting to get down about it.

 

Love Jess xxxx

[Scout]

Hi, Jess...welcome to eNotalone.

 

What I'm reading is that sex makes you feel loved by your boyfriend, and sex is also something you consider a way to show love to him in return. Because your boyfriend is understandably worried about pregnancy, and has stopped having sex with you, you are possibly feeling his love for you has diminished.

 

Can I just point something out? If indeed his feelings for you have diminished because he's not having sex with you, than that is probably not love.

 

Sex is one way way to express love, but if it's the only way, than it's more about lust, not love.

 

There are countless other ways to express your romantic love for someone other than sex. Connecting on a deep level, good conversation, sharing time together doing favorite activities, supporting each other's dreams...the list goes on and on.

 

If you and your boyfriend share many of these things already, then you have a solid relationship.

 

Perhaps at this time, the best thing for your relationship would be to stop focusing on sex as the glue that holds you two together, and work on nurturing the other areas in your relationship. Maybe taking a break from sex all together is just what you two need to take your relationship to an even better, more intimate level.

 

Another component to true love is having some faith in your partner. If your boyfriend still assures you he loves you, is still spending the same amount of time with you, maybe you should have some more trust in him and his decision to hold off on sex for the foreseeable future. That's another way you can show him love.

[Jess90]

Thanks for your reply! I understand what you're saying but we do have all those things you said make a good relationship. Like I said everything else is great...perfect even but just the lack of sex is worrying me slighty. I don't really think it is because he doesn't love me...he's not the sort to lie about this sort of thing. We both know we can talk to each other about anything even if it is doubts about our feelings. So its not so much I'm worried he doesn't love me. I don't really know how to explain it to be honest. But its not the passion I miss because when we have had sex its not been that passionate really...when we fool around (don't really know how to put that lol) there is more passion than when we have sex.

 

To be honest...I just get the most amazing feeling when he is inside of me and I miss it. I know it sounds cheesy and everything but I really do feel complete when he is inside me. I don't know how else to put it other than like that.

 

I know I keep saying this but I actually don't know how to explain all this or what I'm worried about exactly. I think I just need to talk about it or something. Like I said...I can't talk to anyone I know about it because we agreed to not tell any of our friends. We know what happens when you tell one person at our school...they tell someone else...that someone else tells five others...and so on... It happened to a friend of ours and then in a Biology lesson everyone was asking him really detailed questions about it. Neither of us want that because its our private life and don't think anybody else needs to know about it. So far people believe us when we say we are both still virgins, which suits us fine.

 

Thanks again for the reply

Love Jess xxxx

[Scout]

Alright, well your situation really isn't that complicated, then. You know he loves you, but you miss the physical intimacy you two have with sex. Understood. And I don't have a magical answer that will make you stop missing sex.

 

BUT - right now sex freaks your boyfriend out. So, I'm afraid out of respect for him, the best thing you can do is just deal and go with the flow right now. It could be a good thing for your relationship, actually.

[gattsuga]

your bf sounds pretty responsible. he knows if you get pregnant than the two of your lives will be a lot more difficult. birth control isn't 100%... there is always a chance you can get pregnant. He's not willing to take the risk... good for him.

[finewhine]

Hold on a minute, people!

 

I speak from personal experience (pls. refer to my post in "Healing after BREAKUPS"). When there's a complete relationship (sex inclusive), sex is a minor part of a happy relationship. When there's no sex, it becomes the most important thing in a relationship.

 

Please, Jess, don't let anyone invalidate your feelings! You are entitled to want to have sex with your boyfriend. If your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you, you're entitled to dump him to find someone who does. Wanting to have sex doesn't make you shallow or lusty. Your priorities are FINE. It's him who's acting inappropriately.

 

Jess, I will spare you the details of my personal struggle with this issue. You can PM me if you want to ask me further questions. All I will say right now is that men who suddenly lose interest in sex have problems, and the women who put up with this are debilitated by insecurity, pain and frustration.

 

If I were you, I would tell your boyfriend you're going on the pill and see how he reacts.

[Jess90]

Thanks so much finewhine!!

 

After posting this the other day I started thinking that maybe it was just me being a complete cow. Then when I got replies saying that my boyfriend is just being responsible and that our relationship shouldn't be based on sex it made me think it even more. But our relationship is in no way based on sex and I'm just as responsible as him. I just missed the intimacy. I don't ever want to push him into having sex, just as he'd never push me into doing something I didn't want to do. And I know there is no way to make me stop missing sex or for me to convince him to have sex, I just needed to talk to someone about it and make sure that I'm not being a complete cow basically.

 

Anyways...last night we were fooling around and he got really turned on and asked if I had a condom...I did so...problem solved!! Afterwards we talked and we both agreed that we would have sex occasionally but not as often as we used to, so maybe once a month or something. We also agreed that because we hadn't had sex in over two months it felt even more special and more pleasurable (it was amazing!!). So we are both happy now

 

Thanks again!

Love Jess xxxx

[Scout]

You're referring to "men" who lose interest in sex and "women" who put up with this. I don't know how old you are finewhine, but Jess and her boyfriend aren't even out of their teens yet...in my opinion, you're kind of invalidating her boyfriend's natural concerns about the two of them having to deal with accidentally bringing a child into the world when neither of them are quite adults yet, themselves.

[jimthzz]

I'm not sure someone so young loses interest in sex

 

A guy your BFs age is thinking about and wanting sex 24/7.

 

One time in two months would not cut it.

 

He's either "self-involved" or finding it elsewhere.

[Meow18]

Hello Jess, welcome to enotalone!

 

Seriously, all it takes is one possible pregancy scare to scare someone out of wanting to have sex until they feel responsible enough to actually raise another life.

 

Sex with someone you love is good, I'll admit that. But there are so many ways to express love. I think that you know deep down that your boyfriend is just worried about the consequences. At 16 you are not ready for a baby. And he is strong enough to realize that you both aren't ready and he acted on that.

 

I think you need to work on your own insecurities. You know your boyfriend loves you whether or not you are having sex. You know he loves you whether or not he tells you every day. You just need to trust that and not let all the little things make yourself question your relationship.

 

You said everything else in the relationship was perfect, so chances are he's not "getting it from somewhere else". He is at the age where sex is something new and interesting, but that DOESN'T mean that he needs it or he's going to die. To me, it just seems like he cares a lot about your relationship and doesn't want to put either of you at risk for something you can't handle at this point in life.

 

And it's definitely not wrong of you to miss that kind intimacy..

 

But it sounds like you have it all straightened out by only having sex once in awhile. But I have a hard time thinking that he could really be 100% comfortable with this. I mean, it only takes one time to get pregnant, so no matter how little you have sex, you still have the same chances.

[DN]

I also agree that your boyfriend is being responsible. I also think that can be demonstration of his love for you not the opposite. He may be scared for himself and for you and that shows he is thinking of you as well as himself. Good for him and good for you if you recognise that just because he is young it doesn't mean he doesn't love you if he is being responsible and concerned.

 

Continue to take all precautions against pregnancy - it makes life much easier for both of you. And whatever you do - don't think he doesn't love you because of this. The opposite is probably true.

[annie24]

I definitely agree with scout, DN, and meow.

 

one more thing I'd like to add is this: do you have any girlfriends who had sex with a guy and then they never heard from him again? If you don't know any girls like this, you will soon within the next few years. just because two people have sex doesn't mean that they love each other, and just because they aren't having sex doesn't mean that they don't love each other.

 

Being a pregnant teenager is scary! and what if you did get pregnant? would you keep it or have an abortion? I've had several friends who have had abortions and they all said it was painful and they felt awful and it was not something they would want to do again. I know many women who have been haunted by it. it is such a scary thing, and you have to live with your decision (to have the baby or not have it) the rest of your life.

 

i think your boyfriend was realizing this and wanted to take a step back. if I were in your shoes, I would respect my boyfriend's anxieties over sex right now, and in the future, when you two are ready, get on a double form of birth control so that the chances of getting pregnant will be slim to none.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I agree with the other posters, your boyfriend is just being responsible.

 

Do not take this personally or assume it means that he's not into you. I think he just faced the reality that having sex could make him a young father and it scared him. He fear is justified, because you had a late period. He has the right ot be scared and cautious, and I think you need to respect that.

 

He's really looking out for BOTH of your best interests here. Just think: What would happen if you got pregnant? Right now, you don't even want to go on birth control because your parents will find out that you're having sex. Now just imagine being PREGNANT and having to tell them that.

 

There are others things the 2 of you can do besides intercourse. Take it slow and enjoy one another. If you ever want to get on the pill, find your local Planned Parenthood. They will make appointments for you and you can tell them that you do not want them to call you at home (this is common for their patients) In many cases you can get the pill at little or no cost to you. Tell them you don't have health insurance, so that they won't put in a claim in to the insurance company that your parents could see.

 

Also remember that no form of birth control is 100% effective. However the pill is more reliable than condoms if it's taken properly. If you take the pill and also use condoms, you are giving yourself double protection.

 

 

BellaDonna

[sparkle1]

Jess got sex = jess happy!! (as per her post)

 

I don't think we'll hear from Jess until she needs us again...

 

i think i feel a thread coming on!.....

 

"is sex in a relationship THE most important thing? or can you be happy without?...."

[Jess90]

I'm not sure someone so young loses interest in sex

 

A guy your BFs age is thinking about and wanting sex 24/7.

 

One time in two months would not cut it.

 

He's either "self-involved" or finding it elsewhere.

 

 

This is the BIGGEST load of CRAP I have ever heard. I know that it was me that started this post but there has never EVER been a single second when I have thought that because my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex it means he's having sex with anyone else. I trust him 110% He would never cheat on me or anyone else for that matter. If it had been my boyfriend posting this thread on here about me not wanting sex would you have assumed that I was cheating on him? Not all guys are sex obsessed. And even if they do think about it a lot it doesn't mean they would cheat on their girlfriend, and it also doesn't mean they can't be scared of having sex. I don't care if you are male or female I think you are completely and utterly wrong about this. I know a lot of boys our age that aren't interested in sex at all. One of my best friends has never had a girlfriend, and barely EVER thinks about sex. I also know that he very rarely masturbates.

 

 

 

BellaDonna and annie24...

 

No I definitly don't want to get pregnant. I would never be able to have an abortion because I love babies too much, so I wouldn't be able to cope with killing my own baby. So, if I did get pregnant then we would have to find a way of coping and I don't want to have to face that problem. I know no form of contraception is 100% effective and I do realise that even with a condom there is the chance I'd get pregnant. I am going to get put on the pill and we will most probably still use condoms when I do, to make the risk even less.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Love Jess xxxx

[BellaDonna]

If it had been my boyfriend posting this thread on here about me not wanting sex would you have assumed that I was cheating on him? Not all guys are sex obsessed. And even if they do think about it a lot it doesn't mean they would cheat on their girlfriend, and it also doesn't mean they can't be scared of having sex.

 

Good point.

 

I think whenever possible, it's a good idea to refrain from stereotyping millions of people based on their age and gender. It's unfair to assume he's a cheater or a liar simply because he's a young man.

 

Young men should be viewed as more than sex-crazed machines.

 

Clearly your boyfriend was scared of a pregnancy since your period was late and that was the reason he is re-thinking having sexual intercourse. He's using his BRAIN. If more people did that, the world would be a better place, and every child brought into this world would be wanted and loved.

 

He's smart. (I can tell that you are too, by your willingness to question statments that you think are unfair or you don't believe in: good for you!)

 

BellaDonna