How do I just relax and let it happen....

[gentleman65]

I recently met a new lady.. On our first date, we took the kids and went to a movie and out to eat.. We had a great time..

 

She remarked to my daughter that she really liked me and wanted to see me again..

 

SO.. I called her and told her that I had a wonderful time on the date and that her daughters just great and very well behaved and that she is doing a great job with them.. She said thanks and proceeded to say that she felt we should mayde do this again without the kids.. To which I agreed and asked her when..?

 

I assumed she would say "next weekend" or something, but she said Monday, which was a pleasant surprise.. so we went this past Monday to another movie and then for coffee.. we talked for hours.. and she was very affectionate, holding my hand, laying her haed on my shoulder the whole time, etc..

 

She is coming out of a bad divorce, so I am trying to take it slow, so she does not get scared, etc..

 

Here is the dilemma.. I have always been attracted to her, as we met a while ago, but was involved in another relationship.. We met through a mutual friend, and that friend also told me how she has said she really likes me..

 

The question is, I know this girl has been hurt, and the past year has been devastating to her, BUT she has expressed an interest and seems to genuinely like me..

 

After the movie, we stood by my car and embraced for a long time, and I kissed her.. then I held her close and she laid her head on my shoulder and said how comfortable and secure she felt..

 

As for me, I can't seem to get her out of my head, and its driving me nuts.. I can't focus and I have to resist the urge to pick up the phone and call..

 

She scares the hell out of me because I am SO attracted to her..

 

How do I make myself relax and let her come to whatever feelings she may develop without pressure from me.. I want to make sure she knows how interested I am without overdoing it..

 

Thanks..

G65

[LostInMyThoughts]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing.

 

You held and kissed her, I'm pretty sure she gets the idea you are insterested in her, and from you've written she is definitely interested in you.

 

Now all you have to do is just keep up the communication, asking her out on dates, and it'll happen.

 

As for wanting to call her all the time, next time you do call her, just ask her "I'd like to talk to you more often, would you be okay with it?"

[gentleman65]

I hope so.. she seems to be giving all the right signals, but I have been burnt before and its hard for me to just relax .. I am determined to do everything right this time though..

 

So anyway, we have a tentative date set for Friday, but I have to call and confirm the time, etc..

 

after that, I figured I would include the kids again and go bowling or something...

 

G65

[sparkle1]

Even if you don't feel relaxed...look it infront of her. She'll want to know you care, and that you're there for her, but she clearly has alot of things to deal with at the moment.

 

I am sure you are her 'light at the end of the tunnel' and that is a wonderful thing to be in someone's life when they are going through hell...

 

You like her...she is giving you all the correct signals. Keep going....be cool, and dont think about getting hurt. You can't stop that, but you can make the most of the moment....

 

Good luck - i hope to read lots of encouraging lovely stories in the future!!

[gentleman65]

Sparkle.. thats the ONE thing that is making this so different for me.. for the first time in a long time, I AM very confident.. Things are going well in all other aspects of my life and I was just missing that one piece, somone to share it with..

 

I know I the worst thing that can happen is that it fizzles, so mentally I am prepared for whatever comes..

 

I want her to realize that her heart would be safe with me and that I would never hurt her.. That takes time..

 

So far I am doing things right.. when I am with her I walk with a sense of pride and confidence, on purpose, because I want her to see that in me.. when I hold her I do it firmly but gently without groping her, and I only kissed her once, very briefly at the end of the first date..

 

She told me the whole story of her divorce and the relationship that followed that ended badly.. she has been alone since January of this year, so the sting is still there.. I commented to her that the one thing no one seemed to realize is that her world crumbled around her and she needed someone to be her rock and allow her to hold on..

 

she actually got so upset at one point in her story that she nearly broke down (Its a very personal issue and I don't want to betray her confidence, so I will leave out the details).. I was just listening and not saying anything, and as I saw her tear up, I reached for her hand and she reached for me.. I just wanted her to know that I understood..

 

She said that she knew I was not going to be like the other guy, but that she was just really scared and unsure of a lot of things..

 

I told her I understood, and that if things developed into more, that it was going to be at her pace, and as we were leaving put my arm around her shoulders..

 

It seems like I am doing EVERYTHING right so far, but based on past relationships I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.. I hope she is different and this really does become something special to her as well...

 

As far as I know, She is just as excited as I am about this relationship going so well.. I just have to trust fate.. if its meant to be, it will all work out just right..

 

G65

[jazzgirrl]

Just wondering why you got the kids involved in the relationship at this early stage???

[blender]

About you being "burnt" before, or that she was "hurt' before, that is something to consider, but ONLY in the sense that you "right from the start" establish good, honest, communication, don't be afraid, try not to drag old baggage or issues into this situation, sure it's important to know where you are both fragile emotionally, but don't "build the relationship tip toeing around the weaknesses" that's just a foundation of quicksand,

 

instead "BUILD THE RELATIONSHIP AROUND YOUR "STRENGTHS"... and point them out, the fact is there are no gaurentees, that no one will get "hurt" here... but honest, trusting, communication and saying what you mean, and no "trying to guess" or "anticipate" any "hurts", it's life, there will be great moments, good moments, sad moments, disagreements, intamcy, differences, embraces, etc.

 

Life is advanced when we just take the risk to be forthcoming, and tell her: "that you might not know what the future holds, but that right now you are trying to be careful with your heart and her heart, and especially because there are children involved too, and out of respect you'd like to take it slow, but it's tough to take it slow because you are so attracted to her..."

 

Believe me this is a very mature, honest, sexy thing to say to a woman....BUT ONLY if it's honest... and I think this is how you are feeling... isn't it? if so, don't be afraid to say it...

[gentleman65]

Just wondering why you got the kids involved in the relationship at this early stage???

 

Actually that was her idea.. she was planning to take her daughters to a movie and asked if I would like to come with her and bring my daughter..

 

IT was a nice way to break the ice and see if there was any chemistry without the pressure..

 

It must have worked, because she seems to really be attracted to me..

 

I guess the one thing that I have to have is faith in that if she starts to fall for me, it is something that I can't control.. If she falls for me, then its was meant to happen all along.. the only thing I can control, is staying cool and letting it happen naturally for her...

 

One thing that helps to keep my mind clear, is to post here on the forum

 

G65

[gentleman65]

Life is advanced when we just take the risk to be forthcoming, and tell her: "that you might not know what the future holds, but that right now you are trying to be careful with your heart and her heart, and especially because there are children involved too, and out of respect you'd like to take it slow, but it's tough to take it slow because you are so attracted to her..."

 

Believe me this is a very mature, honest, sexy thing to say to a woman....BUT ONLY if it's honest... and I think this is how you are feeling... isn't it? if so, don't be afraid to say it...

 

That is exactly how I am feeling.. I am VERY attracted to her, and I told her exactly that .. I also said that I wanted to take it slow because I understood where she is coming from and what she went through.. I like your thought better, and if the subject comes up again, I will probably say something close to that..

 

As for the next date, I want to do something to make her laugh and have a good time and just be happy that we are sharing time together.. might be dinner and a movie (She loves movies), but I want to find something that brings out the kid in her..

 

G65

[Mun]

Hey you know what you did wrong with the other girls-- that turned them off to you --so as long as you don't do that you should be ok.

 

Sounds like you are having a good time. Take things slow, especially where kids involved. Try "just dating " for awhile and things should progress on their own into something real. Don't over-think it

 

love

[gentleman65]

Hey you know what you did wrong with the other girls-- that turned them off to you --so as long as you don't do that you should be ok.

 

Sounds like you are having a good time. Take things slow, especially where kids involved. Try "just dating " for awhile and things should progress on their own into something real. Don't over-think it

 

love

 

What I did wrong with some of the others was simply being TOO eager, needy, etc..

 

With this girl, I am projecting a lot fo confidence and I am very sure of myself.. I want her to see my strength..!!

 

Like I mentioned before.. I am very confident.. I have a lot to be confident about, and I am at a point in my life where I WANT to be with her, but I don't NEED to be with her.. The distinction is that I am projecting to her that I WANT her, but I am not NEEDY in the least..

 

Let me tell you though ladies.. I am a hopeless romantic.. I can't wait to hold her again..!!

 

I am trying my best not to overwhelm her.. I sent her a text message on Monday at midnight thanking her for a wonderful evening.. she replied at noon the next afternoon, with a message

 

Here is the text of it

 

Thank you for a wonderful evening. I had a great time. I hope you have a great day! Talk to you soon.

 

I have not called her, I just sent a text message to her this morning before work that said..

 

Good Morning Beautiful..will call later..

 

thats where I left it.. so I will call tonighth and confirm the date for Friday evening..

 

In spite of the urge to call her constantly and not being able to get her off my mind at times, this is FUN...!!!

 

G65

[gentleman65]

Everyone,

 

I have an update.. I got the whole story, and it really makes me relax a little.. Here is what transpired since the last post..

 

We had tentative dinner plans on Friday.. but the other guy she was dating had asked her for a semi-commitment (meaning that she would not date or be with any other guys) for a while until they had a chance to se if more developed. So she called me thursday afternoon and said she needed to talk to me about something..

 

She told me of her decision.. she said that she was NOT a cheater, and based on the fact that she agreed to stop seeing other guys, she canceled our date and broke it off with her "boy-toy" as well..

 

She did explain to me that in the course of meeting me, we had had 2 perfect dates and was very attracted to me, but she could say the same for the other guy, and that HE asked her out more and asked her to commit first. I told her that I tried to respect her space, based on the fact that she had said she did not want a commitment, and thats why I did not call too often or ask her out more, because I did not want to push her away, and respect her space. She said that If I had called more and asked her out more, that she might have been drawn closer to me.. We agreed to keep in touch, and I wished her luck with the other guy..

 

After accepting this fact, I went out Friday night and met a girl DJ at a local pub, and Saturday I met a another girl... So I have plans to go out and play the field myself...

 

THEN, on Sunday, the "field" got a little bigger, because she called me and asked if I wanted to go out and talk, that she needed to talk to me again..

 

Apparently this new guy who she chose had tried to push sex on her after she asked him not to.. (she explained that she felt this could go somewhere and was going to try slowing down the pace of things).. Apparently all through the dating he was telling her everything she wanted to hear, and then when the opportunity arose, He tried to get her to do it anyway... They had made plans throughout the day which he proceeded to ruin because he was trying to make her feel guilty for rebuffing him..

 

She was upset and kept telling me she made a mistake in her love life and made the wrong choice.. Then she apologized saying she should not be telling ME this especially after she chose him over me..

 

I basically told her, that my feelings had not changed in the 2 days since Friday, and that I still wanted to be with her and woudl love to try this again.. I told her that I too wanted her to commit somewhat, and that I would ask her for one down the road.. I then said IF she decided to see me again, that I was more interested in this.. (I touched my finger to her heart) than anything physical at this point. I said that if she trusted me with her heart, that the rest, would naturally follow. I told her that even though this was how I felt, she had to understand that the situation made me a little uneasy fo trusting the fact that suddenly she decided she made a mistake and picked the wrong guy.. and I asked what she would think I the roles were reversed.. How would she feel If I called her and wanted to see her now that the other "girl" seemed like a mistake.. She understood, and assured me that she was sincere and would prove it.. (The least I can do is see if she is sincere, and give her the benefit of the doubt)

 

The other guy apologized to her, and she said she was planning to talk to him, but that she wanted to see me again..

 

I told her that until she makes a commitment that I was going to continue to play the field as well..

 

Whether this means a week, month, or more, I left it in her hands initially.. I told her, that I would ask her for a commitment later.. when I felt the timing was right..

 

I got a text message from her this morning, saying she wanted to see me again.

 

G65

[Batya33]

Just wondering why you got the kids involved in the relationship at this early stage???

 

I totally agree with this - as the saying goes "kids don't get dating, they get attached."

[gentleman65]

The Kids are a non-issue... We have discussed the kids and their attachments.. My daughter is 14 and well adjusted to my dating and she actually knew her before I did..

 

Understand that we know the risks with her daughters, since they are a little younger, and we purposely do not hold hands or cuddle or anything like that.. its a matter of respect for the girls not to see that at this point in the relationship.. All they see is us joking around and having fun..

 

G65

[Batya33]

The Kids are a non-issue... We have discussed the kids and their attachments.. My daughter is 14 and well adjusted to my dating and she actually knew her before I did..

 

Understand that we know the risks with her daughters, since they are a little younger, and we purposely do not hold hands or cuddle or anything like that.. its a matter of respect for the girls not to see that at this point in the relationship.. All they see is us joking around and having fun..

 

G65

 

In my humble opinion since you have no idea where this is going to involve your kids at this stage is unnecessary and potentially harmful to them.

[gentleman65]

Batya33..

 

Your point is WELL taken.. I understand what you are saying... I think you make a great point.. In both instances with the kids being with us, it has been a situation where she was going to take them bowling anyway, and she asked me to come, and bring my daughter.. same with the movie..

 

I did not see it as being harmful to take all the kids to see a movie or bowling..

 

G65

[Batya33]

Batya33..

 

Your point is WELL taken.. I understand what you are saying... I think you make a great point.. In both instances with the kids being with us, it has been a situation where she was going to take them bowling anyway, and she asked me to come, and bring my daughter.. same with the movie..

 

I did not see it as being harmful to take all the kids to see a movie or bowling..

 

G65

 

I see it as harmful to take your kids along on a date with another woman. Kids get attached in those circumstances and they can tell when it is not just a platonic friend even if there is no touching or flirting, etc. There were many other ways to avoid having the kids there and the reasoning that having the kids there would break the ice - why use them for that purpose - I am sure if you want icebreakers you have friends who would be willing to come along on your dates to lessen the pressure. Don't follow my advice - check out the author and radio show host Dr. Joy Browne and her views on involving kids in early stages of dating - particularly teenagers who get so easily confused in those situations.

[Mun]

Hey there again, Well it looks like you got a bit more information from her although maybe not what was expected. I guess it's better to know what is going on with the other person than be in the dark. clueless

 

I personally don't know how I would take the whole "chosing other person first" thing... I think I'd feel like second best and that's not where I want to be, but you don't so that's good. You're more open minded than I am

I do think she said too much to you on that issue...maybe she doesn't have much dating experience?

 

You do well to keep your options open for now.

 

I can tell you really like this person so proceed with caution. You know the whole picture now--I hope--and you can make better decisions based on that.

 

I just would like to recommend you don't text too much or talk too much on the phone before the dates. Leave the chatter for when you are out together.

Use the phone as a means to make dates and confirm plans only.

 

love

[gentleman65]

At this point, its up to her to make sure she keeps the contact going, its the only way I can be sure she want to be with me. I have my guard up. I am not saying I will be rude or not return her calls, or not call myself, but if I call her and she does not respond, then I will wait till she does..

 

and IF we go out again tomorrow night, I am going to ask her to really look a the situation and if she can't see anything more than what we have now, and see herself making a commitment to me, not an engagement or anything like that, but a commited honest attempt to really be together, and not confuse the issue with other guys, to please tell me and we will simply be friends and not continue down this road.

 

She HAS to know how I feel about her, I have always been up front about that, and I want her to understand that I want her, but she has to want me too for it to work..

 

I don't mind that she is dating, but at this point, the up and down roller coaster of dating, then not, then dating again, because he was not the perfect guy he portrayed himself to be, is not fair to me unless she makes it clear that we can try to step it up a little and really try.. then if it does not work out, so be it..

 

She does not OWE me anything.. She is an adult and can do what she pleases, but she sends all the right signals, she tells me that she is very attracted to me, and that she wants to see me.. All I want her to do, is take a really honest look at what she wants, she has stated that she DOEs want a commitment, someone to settle down with get married, either have another child, or adopt a child, etc.. someone to share her life with.. I am all about those things, IN THE FUTURE.. and she agrees that its a while off for those things.. She has demonstrated that she is open to a commitment, If her feelings for me are real, and its not a game to her, then she will understand that I need some answers and am not just demanding she explain herself..

 

G65

[Mun]

How may dates have you all been on and how long have you known each other for now?

 

I don't like the "wait" part of this because it's not fair to you to be waiting. I also know that when you really want to be with someone and want a relationship it's very hard to let things just happen. You kinda wanted them to happen yesterday. It's tough.

 

I messed up one potential relationship because I hounded this guy about wanting a relationship so bad and had a "hurry up and make up your mind" attitude. He ran. It wasn't that we were not having fun together, we were, but I think he felt very much pressured and it stopped being fun for him. I learned that lesson to a fault, now I seem to be on the other side of that spectrum....but enough about me.

 

 

I do hope you keep going out and have your options open. Dating out may take some of the pressure off here.

 

 

Besides, not having someone around anymore is a sure way to KNOW that I want them around more. Might work with her too.

[gentleman65]

Mun,

 

I agree completely.. I am dating others as well, in fact I am going to spend most of the weekend seeing another girl I met last week. First at a pub and then at a party on Sunday with some friends.. Tonight I am going to see the girl who is the subject of this thread, and then tomorrow and Sunday the other girl at a party thrown by by mutual friends.. I have many options before me, I am not letting this bog me down..

 

The reason I am spending so much mental energy on this girl here on the forum, is that I do want more with her, and talking to you and the others here, helps me keep it all in perspective..

 

This may not turn out as I want, and if thats the case, then it was not meant to happen, and I will move on, but the CHANCE that it may work out is worth the effort..

 

I know I have said it before, but have you ever met someone, and you just felt everything click right away.. It just felt right to me, and I was instantly attracted to her.. not just because she is beautiful, but because I sensed a sweet person also.. She has a lot of problems, but if I just throw my hands up and say "see ya", I am no better than the people who have done that to her in the past. Even if I am destined to just be her friend, I want her to see me as someone she can count on..

 

She may end up being a train wreck, but I have to at least stay on the track till I see this through..

 

G65

[gentleman65]

Quick update.. we are still dating, and things are pretty much the same.. I did ask her over dinner one night where she saw this going, she said she could not answer the question.. the divorce is really stressing her out, and not yet final. She said sometimes she feels like she is holding on by her fingertips..

 

She said that she is really attracted to me and loves my personality, etc, but that its not fair to either of us at this point to talk about the future.. She just want to continue to see me and get to know each other..

 

I told her that I agreed completely, and I can accept that..

 

So at this point its going as good as could be expected, and as things progress I will keep posting..

 

I still feel the same way, I want much more with her, and until she makes a decision to take things further, I am continuing to date, as well.. I have a dinner date with another girl tonight..

 

I don't mind dating a few people at a time, but I am not the type of person to play with people's emotions. If this other girl and I start to develop feelings for each other, I am not sure what I will do.. In that sense I hate the "game"

 

G65

[Mun]

It's not so much a 'game'.

 

Tell yourself this: If you and this other girl start having feelings for each other then you will move on. Unless you don't share those feelings.

 

 

You feel played if you wait around for something to happen and it never does...

 

Keep going...

[gentleman65]

Thanks for that..

 

One thing I had always done was wait around, and I had always felt played, so Once I got through the divorce and spent a few years not really trying to date, I had a few encounters and dates here and there, but none that I REALLY wanted to be with more than that.. Then like I said in this opening thread, I met this lady and I immediately felt as if all the breath left my body.. I could not help but feel attracted to her..

 

So I decided this time that I was going to make a change and be proactive in dating and socializing.. Anymore, I am the life of the party, something I have NEVER been in the past.. It is amazing to see how many women respond to that type of person.. I have met 4-5 women in the last month, and even though not much is happening with any except dating, etc, I am enjoying the process..

 

I am feeling hopeful with the first girl, but they are all my "type" and each is attractive to me in different ways..

 

So yes, I will keep going, and dating and meeting women and in the end it will work itself out..

 

Have you ever met someone and felt that immediate "pull" towards them, and could not get them out of your mind..? Thats how it is with her.. When I set a date with her, she is all I can think of for the next 2 days till we get together.. its weird.. but its a great feeling..

 

G65

[Batya33]

Yes but those heady feelings do not necesarily mean that the two of you are right for each other long term. Sometimes, there is no correlation between the two.