I never have his full concentraion on the phone

[Amore]

Hello again enotalone! =)

 

I'm having a few problems lately when it comes to calling my boyfriend. We spend a lot of time together in school, so I don't call him all too often, but when I do, he's never paying attention to me. He's always playing a computer game, and at random points in the conversation he'll just stop talking or yell out "oh no I'm dying!!" (or similar outbursts)

 

I'm not sure how to bring this up without sounding controlling. I feel like it's out of my place to say "stop playing video games," and we've already had similar disagreements about the amount of time he spends on the computer.

 

However, I do feel like I deserve his full attention while I'm on the phone with him. I definitely feel like I'm #2 in his life.... with video games as #1. I know I can't change his values; if he cares about video games that much, that's the way it's going to be. But at the very least, I want to have his undivided attention on the phone.

 

How can I ask him to stop playing on the computer when I'm talking without sounding overbearing?

 

 

 

EDIT: I just realized I spelt "concentration" on the title wrong. Is there any way to fix that?

[craign]

I had a friend who use to do this and i would tell him "hey you call me back when you get off the game"."I am not going to keep repeating myself.If he gives a crap he will get the picture.

[DN]

How often do you talk on the phone and how long are the calls usually?

[thePuma]

You tell him a story based on your story when you have his full attention.

 

You'll be fighting for your rights, and since he'd rather being playing computer games instead of paying attention to what you have to say, I think there are almost zero chances of making him understand your point without sounding overbearing.

 

There are times when we just have to fight, and when communication - the cornerstone of all relationships - is not working, there's not much space left for submission. Fight for your rights, I say. I would. Unless I was scared of losing something that I wouldn't find anywhere else.

[Amore]

craign, that sounds like a great suggestion, I'll definitely keep that line in the back of my mind!

 

DN, we usually speak on the phone once every couple of weeks. He prefers instant messenger to keep in contact, however he's still playing games while IMing as well. Our phone calls, since they are so infrequent, usually last around 45 minutes or so.

 

My boyfriend has gotten a lot better with his video game addiction. A couple of months ago, he was up to playing 10-12 hours a day. During our dates, a common line to be heard was "I'm bored, I wish I was playing [insert name of game here]." He knew the games upset me, so he started to lie about what he was doing when he was on the computer. It got so bad to the point where I was crying during nearly every date and I threatened to break up with him over his obsession. He's down to around 3-4 hours a day now. On good days, he only plays an hour or so. This video game addiction has been an issue for a while now and I don't want to be the "mean controlling girlfriend" again. We have never fought about anything else, only video games! I find it extremely pathetic.

[DN]

DN, we usually speak on the phone once every couple of weeks. He prefers instant messenger to keep in contact, however he's still playing games while IMing as well. Our phone calls, since they are so infrequent, usually last around 45 minutes or so.

 

Then I would say to him in a non-confrontational tone "Look, I find it very distracting to talk on the phone when I don't feel I have your undivided attention. It makes me feel as if i don't matter as much as the games. But i don't want to try and make you do something you don't want to so why don't we stick to IM and stop talking on the phone?"

 

See what his reaction is.

[Amore]

Then I would say to him in a non-confrontational tone "Look, I find it very distracting to talk on the phone when I don't feel I have your undivided attention. It makes me feel as if i don't matter as much as the games. But i don't want to try and make you do something you don't want to so why don't we stick to IM and stop talking on the phone?"

 

See what his reaction is.

 

Thanks DN, that sounds like something around the lines of what I wanted to say. However, asking him to just IM has the same problems... he's playing the games on the computer while talking to me. He'll disappear for hours at a time, in the absolute middle of a conversation, without giving me any warning.

 

I feel like the real problem wouldn't be solved that way.

[Amore]

Well his reaction was exactly how I expected. I used that line and he just said "ok" and that it was good for him because "on the phone he gets distracted easily." I guess that kinda makes sense. But it wasn't what I wanted.

 

*sigh*

[DN]

OK - then from that reaction you should start thinking about whether you want to be in a relationship with him.

 

In your place I would not. He's putting his games ahead of you and I would not stay with someone like that.

[Amore]

I was going to have a big talk tonight with him about this again, but his parents wouldn't let him come over because he was on the computer all day. Go figure.

 

I'm starting to think that maybe he's just not ready for a serious relationship. He's still acting like a little kid.

[tylercdurden2004]

We spend a lot of time together in school,

 

I definitely feel like I'm #2 in his life.... with video games as #1. I know I can't change his values; if he cares about video games that much, that's the way it's going to be.

 

 

Is the issue with video games only coming up when you are on the phone?

 

Its sounds like you guys spend time together at least at school. Really the phone should be used if you CANT see each other. Is there an issue with seeing each other out of school?

[annie24]

I don't think he sounds like a very good boyfriend.

 

I'd ditch him.

[Amore]

We rarely use the phone; I only call him if I want to make plans and he's not online the whole day. So basically the issue with video games is all the time, not just on the phone.

 

Annie, I wish it was that easy. I love him. He has gotten better and when we are together, we have an amazing time. Our bond is indescribable... everyone in school, even our teachers, comment on how perfect we are for each other.

 

Even though he's still just an average teenage guy, I wish he cared about other things. School, college, his family... I worry about his future. Those video games aren't going to get him anywhere.

 

I love him and want to help him with this obsession... not only for me, but for himself. I just want to do so without sounding like a psycho controlling girlfriend. And without hurting myself too much in the process.

[annie24]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change the lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.

 

 

Us women have a tendency to want to "fix" or "improve" our boyfriends, but has he actually told you he wants to change or asked for your help?

 

who cares what teachers or friends think. they are not inside the relationship. if you feel neglected and that he'd rather play games, he doesn't sound like good boyfriend material. unless you don't mind coming in second to the games, at which point.... go right on ahead and stay with him.

[Amore]

Yes, he actually has said that he wants help. He knows he has a problem... he's cried in my shoulders about it. But he still plays them non-stop. Ugh.

 

I have the most amazing time when I'm with him. Absolutely amazing. It's only when I'm here, by myself, while he's already up playing his games that the anger and sadness starts.

 

My mom says that he's being rude to me and my dad thinks I deserve much better.

[dogheadma]

What he's doing is rude and inconsiderate and you should tell him exactly that. Tell him he needs to separate his time with the games and his time with you. Tell him he cannot do two things at once and it is making you feel like second best. Tell him if he has a problem and needs help to find that help and that you will support him in his efforts to change his behavior. Be firm and caring. Let him know it is a serious issue.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ahhhhh! I had an ex who was devoted to furthering his skills on electric guitar, and every 5-10 minutes he'd insist on playing me XYZ song he'd taught himself over the phone.

 

I'll admit, he was GOOD...he's probably AMAZING now...but I DID NOT WANNA HEAR IT down the phone.

 

The solution...it's just occurred to me, I probably didn't have one, and (obviously) we split up anyway. If I was still with him, I'd probably try and have an In Depth Talk with him. It was very disrespectful.

[SarahRose]

Not sure how you are having an amazing time with him if he was playing video games 10 hours a day?

 

How do you get to know someone like that at all if the majority of their time is devoted to something else?

[langford]

He seems to be addicted to his machine.Maybe you could buy some sort of game console or take up some other hobby,ignore him and see how he reacts? It may help you get your point accross better.

[honeybee]

My BF did that. Basically I said to him, 'you can play games all you like but i want 5 mins of complete you and me time, complete attention and then you can divide the time between me and the games.' Fixed the problem completely. Compromise. If I find hes not keeping his end I just remind him and say 'I want my 5 mins' and that seems to work. What is it with boys and their toys! Good luck

[sidehop]

Hello again enotalone! =)

He's always playing a computer game, and at random points in the conversation he'll just stop talking or yell out "oh no I'm dying!!" (or similar outbursts)

 

LOL ok, first of all, if it's just within a computer game I can COMPLETELY relate because I used to be an addict. I don't know what game he plays but it got bad to the point where my ex g/f hates the world "Counter Strike". Computer games can be very distracting and I was the same way...it was THAT bad.

 

Get him away from that thing LOL.

[honeyspur]

I think you might want to consider not calling him, but still keeping up with your IM/face to face time as normal.

First you should find out if he even NOTICES that you've stopped calling. (Or answering if he calls you) Once you've determined that - you will either be more prepared to let go of him, or he will confront you and you'll have an opportunity to tell him how you feel with his full attention.

 

My boyfriend of 5 years is a game addict and it's taken a lot of me ignoring him and finding things to do with my time to get him to decide whats more important.

 

If you are scared that he will just fade away or that gaming really IS more important, you can get through it and always have all of us here online to help you. I think your parents are right to a point - he is disrespecting you, but it might not be rude since someone being rude is merely a perception - not truth. If you tell him to stop gaming and he doesn't, it's not a reason to freak out - it's a reason to move on.

[blindfold]

just tell him to make a little room for you when you're talking to him on the phone - since you're together at school.

 

men are very "visual" beings, they need pictures and schemes, or something objective to remain focused on what you're saying, so if you start chatting, and he's distracted with something else, chances are, he won't hear a word you say.

 

just tell him he can pause the game and talk to you for a bit (mention the 15 minutes it is advisable for videogamers to stop between each hour, if you need to), and then return to what he was doing. don't let his attention be focused on anything else when you've called specifically to talk to him, and that's not being controlling, that's demanding respect. sounds a bit tough to do, but it's possible

 

cheers