Need major advice

[uk2usa]

I met someone a year ago on an online chat and game. We hit it off from the beginning and since then have been best friends. Well last Nov we finally admitted that we both felt something for eachother, and have made it somewhat official that we are a couple (sounds weird).

 

He and I have never met, but we talk everyday as I'm driving to / from work, during lunch / breaks and at nights when i finally settle into my chair to relax. I spend every spare moment I have to be with him online.

 

He has tried over and over to be here, but it seems like it's getting to be one excuse after another.

1) He was going to come in February, but his sister needed him.

2) He then tried for March but his sister got pregnant.

3) He then tried in April, but he couldn't get a credit card to get out here (mind you he owns his own business)

4) He was then going to come on July 9th, but his best friend wanted to come too so he was going to wait until his friend was done with his business trip.

5) He then was supposed to be here on July 29th, but a friend cancelled his reservations as they were going to come together and his friend had a family emergency and wanted him to wait as he didn't want to travel alone (note to self then why is he doing business traveling)

6) Soon after that he was to arrive on August 14th and the travel agent scammed him out of his money which he is working currently to resolve it with the owner of this agency. Catch to this, was that he put it all on neutral and sat back hoping the flight would just pop up. (he won't let me come to him as I'm caring for my mom who has heart issues) Well recently he got off his butt as I told him that I couldn't handle this "it will happen ... but I don't know when ... " and that by the 24th of September, I will leave him if he's not here (yes I'm selfish and wrong here).

 

So ... this brings me up to date, well somewhat ... well within the last few weeks we have argued almost everyday, and yes most of it is me being selfish, demanding that he do something to get here so we can REALLY start our lives together, as he wants it as much as I do.

 

Well has anyone been so in love with someone they have never met and how do you handle the loneliness, the want for just someone to hold you when you've had bad days, and just the feeling of speaking to someone rather than holding a phone or headset on your ear?

 

Any advice to handling this as we've been witheachother everyday for over a year.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Rabican]

First bit of advice, dont PLAN on being together and having a future with this guy until you have actually met. Nothing wrong with saying, you seem like the type of guy I would really like to be with. But I would really reign in on saying you are the man of my dreams, lets move in together.

 

Things may be great on paper, email, phone etc. and be horrible in person. Regardless of what you have in common, you have to click in real life for anything to work.

 

Ill skip the whole, be careful speach when it comes to meeting someone from online...

 

Tell him how you feel about him not showing up. If you are really talking seriously and planning on having something together.. he needs to follow through and visit you. If you are important to him, and he wants to meet you he should have no problem telling his friend, sister, mom, fourth cousin, bartender etc. hey sorry I cant (fill in plans here) im going to meet this girl this weekend.

If he cant follow through on a simple plan to visit you even for a day or two, I think you need to put any kind of other plans, or hopes on hold until things can at least progress to meeting him.

 

Also, whats stopping you from going to meet him? Fly/ drive to his city and meet him at the local mall/ bookstore etc. for the evening. See how things go, and then either head home or stay for a few more days.

[Jennster]

My current relationship started out online - we were friends for 4 years...but when we decided that things were right to take things to the next level we made plans for me to fly out to visit him...he made the plans AS WELL AS me...I paid half and he paid half.

 

Basically..we didn't waste time with the in person stuff at all...we knew it was essential to meet before we became anything more than friends...otherwise it's just all in your head.

 

I think if he was really serious in his relationship with you he would have figured out a way for you to meet...either you need to meet somewhere halfway or YOU need to find a way to visit him...it can't all be blamed on one person. If he really does not want to meet you in person then you have to stop and ask yourself "why" - perhaps he's been lying this entire time about his life and how it really is.

 

If I were you I'd stop dreaming of a life with him until you get this situation straightened out.

[gattsuga]

It sounds like he's stalling or hiding something. Have you ever talked to him via webcam? Maybe he's not actually who he says he is... it sounds really weird how he makes all these lame excuses. And no I don't think it's selfish for you to want to meet him. Doesn't he want to meet you?? It sounds really weird how he doesn't want to.

[doyathink]

I agree with gattsuga, and maybe he doesnt have the money to go there but he doesn't want to tell you that for fear of embarrassment.

[Ixtapa]

I find it a bit weird that he had to cancel his plans to see you so many times in a row. I've been in a LDR for the past year and a half and it has not been easy to arrange meetings (especially since there are no direct flights between his country and mine)...but we still managed to meet up twice during the last year.

I'm sorry but I believe that if he really wanted to meet up with you, he would find a way (unless he has serious money issues...but then again, what kind of trust is there in your relationship if you hide those issues from your partner ?!).

 

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums but at the same time it might be the only thing to do to find out what the deal is. If he really does want to come see you and has valid reasons not to be able to do it (such as money problems), he might at least open up about it.

Is there no way that you could go and meet him instead ? What would be his reaction if you told him you were planning to travel to see him ? Would he find another excuse and tell you not to come ?

[arwen]

I agree with Ixtapa. Some of the reasons not to come are a bit strange, don't you think? Why can't he come without his friend, and why did he have to stay home when his sister got pregnant? It sounds like he is making some kind of excuses. You haven't met in person, and I'd be careful to do so. I think it's good to use a webcam, then you can at least see who he is.

 

ilse

[Batya33]

The main problem here is that you consider yourself a couple - in the romantic sense of the word - with someone you have never met in person. You may be "in love" or like the image of him you see through typing and talking but neither of you has any idea of whether you will be compatible in person. Not about looks - you don't know his body language, energy, the way he is when he is sick, happy, sad, around his friends, family, waiters, etc. You cannot know that through typing, talking, webcam, etc.

 

Once you realize that for purposes of a romantic relationship he remains a complete stranger, you will also realize that his behavior - in taking this to a real instead of a fantasy level screams that he is not interested enough in that - he would prefer to keep it a fantasy. you keep giving him more chances because deep down - so do you - this way you can pretend you are part of a couple because that seems important to you and avoid trying to meet people in real life - which is much more challenging but so much more rewarding. Believe me, if you decide not to date anyone that's totally fine but deluding yourself as you are is very unhealthy IMHO.

[uk2usa]

Well I guess to answer the questions pushed here ...

 

He is located in the UK, I am in the USA. I am not able to meet him due to financial reasons and I have made that clear, and I told him that if he doesn't come, I am starting to put a few dollars when I can away to get to him, but if he finds his way here first then so be it, I can fly the next round.

 

I have not talked to him via webcam, but I have inquired if it would be reasonable, but he still has not looked into that part of our conversations, even if we do have phone conversations all the time.

 

He does say it that he wants to meet me more than life .... I question it everyday since all of this on and off things has happened ... Is he who he says he is?? Can he afford it? Does he only want a realationship here? Is there another one in his life, for that could be the reason he isn't coming over. ... Yes with these type of questions, I guess I'm not sure where I stand in this relationship, so that is why I gave him the ultimatum, either NOW or NEVER. I feel horrible about it, but I NEED to know if I'm worth it, if I am who he wants to be with, I need to know if he is who he says he is, if everything I know is true.

 

Reading all of your replies makes me think ... and I have to thank you all, as it's given me the perspective that I needed, even if I knew it all along ... I actually have to admit I think I tried to deny it.

 

Thank you everyone for you help in this!

[Batya33]

You will not know if he is the one for you or vice versa until you have spent consistent in person time together for at least 6-9 months. My suggestion is to take your behavior as a sign that you do want someone in your life but you're scared to venture out in real life. Take baby steps to meeting someone in real life and you will realize that likely you are using this situation as a crutch - an excuse not to be out there (which is far more difficult than typing and talking but far more rewarding in my humble opinion).