How many long-term relationships do you know that have resulted from..........

[Karibo]

....the woman asking the man out?

 

There seems to be a mutual attraction between us but he seems to be intimidated by me because I am considered stunning by many men and he is shy and i think he feels a little inadequate because he's a 'nice guy' but that is what i go for, but get lots of 'bad boys' coming up to me.

[Tigris]

I asked both my ex husbands out. The 1st marriage lasted 5 years and the 2nd marriage 14 years.

 

Go get him Tiger. GRRR!

[Batya33]

I would say probably many in answer to your question but I wonder (don't mean to steal your thread!) how many long term healthy/happy relationships/marriages result from the woman doing most of the pursuing in the beginning - not just asking out for the first date. Of course, please don't answer my question if you find the OP's question more interesting or relevant, it's just that I had posed my question to the OP in a different thread she started. My answer to my own question is I know of none.

[Lady Bugg]

I personally prefer the GUY to pursue....but that's just me. Seems like the natural order of things.

[Rainz]

In my circle of friends I know one long term relationship so far that has resulted from a woman doing the initial chasing. They have a 2 year old daughter now and are engaged to be married next year.

 

I personally prefer for the guy to do the initial chasing.

[RayKay]

I initially pursued my boyfriend, sent him the first contact when we met online, though he was the one that asked me out to meet in person so maybe it was an equal pursuing thing .

 

I have a couple married friends though whom were the ones to "pursue" their husbands.

 

I don't have preferences on whom chases who...I don't think there should be any "chasing" and if someone is interested, they are interested and should let that be known. If both are interested even better! Sure, some mystery is exciting, but it does not mean you need to play games either.

 

I would say that if someone is doing all the chasing though with little reciprocation, it is no wonder things don't work out...they weren't that interested to begin with. Nor would I say that if a guy chases it means it is more likely to last....sometimes they just like the chase, or sometimes it turns out that you just don't fit together once you get to know one another.

[Dako]

My ex asked me to take her an a motorbike trip 28 years ago.

So if I'd asked her, we wouldn't be divorcing now?

Dang!

[Relationship Coach]

My wife initiated contact online and I'm glad she did!

 

RC

[Lady Bugg]

OK..To CLARIFY.....I never said if the woman pursued it would not be successful..I simply stated it's MY preferance. I'm old fashioned like that I guess.

[shes2smart]

Taking the role of initiator/pursuer never worked for me. If it managed to get off the ground, it crashed & burned quickly.

 

Then again, I had a track record of making very poor choices in that department when I was younger...and I am only one person....hardly a valid statistical sample.

[Honey Pumpkin]

My best friend (male) was asked out by a girl - they've been married for five years with little girl, and are blissfully happy. If she had left it to him, he would *never* have made the first move, because he thought she was way out of his league. She asked him out in a really nice way, and they were very honest and upfront with each other, but the initial bit came from her.

 

I say if you like someone, ask them out, and don't fret about gender. I've been the one to initiate things, and for me that's *really* brave, and it worked out so well. I don't want to regret not being with someone because I wanted it to be 'proper', and the guy decide that I'm the one.

 

No right or wrong way, but I say go for it!!

 

Good luck

[Batya33]

I think it's interesting how initiating contact on line is seen as analogous to a woman asking a man out on a date. I personally don't see it that way at all - if I spoke first to a man in public and then he asked me out, I would have said that he initiated asking me out.

 

I agree that no one should "chase" - the woman should meet the man half way by saying yes to the date, being appreciative about the date, saying thank you and being a good listener, all of that encouragement. Playing games like making the guy wait days before you return his call, pretending to be busy even if he asks you out in advance - just to "play" hard to get I personally find silly (even though I am sure I have done it at least once in my life and it has been done to me!)

[RayKay]

Batya,

 

Your question was however whom pursued, not just whom asked out on a date...I did not in my post say that intitiating contact was the same as asking him out! I know many women whom WON'T initiate contact online for example.

 

how many long term healthy/happy relationships/marriages result from the woman doing most of the pursuing in the beginning - not just asking out for the first date

 

He asked me out in person first, however in addition to being the one to first initiate contact online, I was the one to also bring up being exclusively dating, and the official "boyfriend girlfriend" status.

[Batya33]

I meant doing most of the pursuing in the beginning - and by that I mean most of the asking out and initiating telephone calls in the beginning - I wouldn't consider writing to someone online to express interest much of a "pursuit" at all and certainly not "most of the pursuing" if the guy responds with an invitation for a date. I realize I didn't define "most of" the pursuing. As far as bringing up the exclusivity issue - for me it has just so happened that where I am the one who brings it up first, the relationship usually doesn't work out. Typically I have brought it up first where the man wanted me to sleep with him, something I will not do outside of an exclusive relationship.

 

Having said that, I would say it depends on the circumstances. If the couple has been dating for awhile and the man hasn't brought it up yet I see nothing wrong with raising the issue. I would wonder a little if the woman brought it up right in the beginning.

[tylercdurden2004]

From what I have seen and from what I have read regarding relationships. Women are the ones who make the intial "contact" whether it though subtle body language or simple saying hi. Generally it is the man who asks the woman out. Essentially both pursue each other but in different ways.

 

True to our gender differences men generally take a more "logical/upfront" path of pursuit. That is approaching and asking a woman on a date. Most women I talk to prefer this.

 

Women on the other hand generally take a more "emotional/subtle" path of pursuing men. Usually by making eye contact, smiling etc and opening up and sending signals for the man to approach her.

 

Men and women are equal and have an equal part in a relationship they are however not IDENTICAL with few exceptions. This is the mistake often made in todays society which would like to be ignorant of the ingrained biological differences.

 

Does this mean a girl cant go up to a man and ask him out on a date? NO of course a girl can. All it means if women and men generally have different ways of pursuing each other.

 

I havent seen too many relationships start with a man batting his eyelashes playing with his hair while seductively looking over his shoulder and the woman approaching saying "me jane you mine."

 

I have seen it the other way around though.

[Batya33]

Good point that the pursuit takes different forms. I guess for these purposes I would define "pursuit" as the man calling the woman and asking her out for a date - I do not know of any healthy long term relationships where the woman did most of the asking in the first month or so of the relationship. As my mother used to say, half kidding, "you have to chase men and then let them catch you." I think a lot of confusion results from women who claim not to need the traditional or conventional path of dating - letting the man pursue - and make excuses as to why the man isn't pursuing (he's very busy, he's shy, etc) - but in reality end up feeling uncomfortable if they need to be the aggressor, do the asking, the planning (and I suppose the treating).

 

I see this also come up with women who claim to be ok with casual sex but secretly expect the man to then ask them out on a proper date or pursue them as if they wanted more than just sex.

 

These are some of the reasons I think it works out best most of the time if men do most of the asking out in the beginning and women respond with enthusiasm, etc so that there is less of a risk of miscommunication in the beginning. True, this puts more of the onus on the man but if the woman is behaving in an approachable way, the risk of rejection is less.

[hosswhispra]

Awesome thread with very insightful information. One that I am going to bookmark!

 

Thanks,

hosswhispra

[tylercdurden2004]

From a biological and evolutionary stand point women need to be choosy. If a woman is "down and out" for 9 months of gestation and around 5 years until the young are capable of "fending" for themselves a woman better choose a "good" man, who is confident enough to take care of things outside of the house and will stick around. There is a game in the chase and its to filter out those who are worthy.

 

Of course society has changes the rules and what is exceptable, evolution takes a little while longer. Of course the roles can reverse but from the women I have talked to pretty much all say the want the man to "pursue". By that they mean they want a man who will be confident enough to approach, ask and overcome any tests she throws his way to determine if he is in it for the long haul or just to get a quick lay.

 

If the "rules" that society now deems acceptable were in actually fact the reality of the situation then it would be a 50-50% split of men and women "asking" each other out.

 

Maybe men should start batting their eyeashes while looking seductively over their shoulders? Any women agree?

[Batya33]

Call it biology or whatever, but I am not attracted to a man who is not confident enough to ask me out for at least a drink or cup of coffee. I also tend to doubt his sincere interest in me if he is not willing to do that. I may be a professional "by day," but when it comes to relationships I am pretty traditional - I want the man to be "stronger" than me and ready to be assertive and step up to the plate - no "yes men" or doormats for me, thank you! I have no real problem getting up the nerve to ask a man out - I've done it several times and if I thought it was effective in finding a long term relationship, I would have done it more often.

 

Take "FWB" as an example - typically, the woman ends up getting attached or wanting more, or agreed to be involved in that situation with the secret hope that it would develop into more. So, in that situation ostensibly the man and woman call each other 50/50 - when either of them wants sex - but more than likely it ends up being uneven because the woman wants more.

[tylercdurden2004]

It is biology. And its what drives attraction at the base level.

 

This is the crux of the "nice guy" issue. Essentially nice guys believe by acting soft and vague that they are acting like a woman and somehow this shows understanding.

 

It doesnt. Men and women are different and thats what drives the attraction. Its also what drives the division of labour. The best thing men and women can do is pick up some reading material regarding the basic differences and why men and women generally do certain things.

 

By no means does it mean that all men and all women are a certain way. But there is a majority. Communcation seems to be a big difference and hence is the root of almost all relationship problems.

[Rainz]

I don't initiate by going up to guys and talking to them, neither do I participate in online dating so I don't initiate anything there.

 

In social settings though I'm sure I give eye contact and signs of "openess" or receptivity if I'm attracted to him.

Most women I know and talk to definitely prefer the guy to be confident enough to make the first moves in those initial stages.

 

The ones that are in married/long term relationships, the majority that I know of the guys were the ones to do the initiating/pursuing.

 

Women I know that have been the ones to initiate, not too many of them to be honest. One of them she said it always made her feel really insecure, the other one wasn't bothered about it at all. After going through a few failed relationships, she is happy with her fiance and daughter.

 

Guys that I know personally and talk to about this, all pretty much have told me the same thing. It's nice to have a woman approacch them, it's a nice change, but if it was someone special who they wanted to be with long-term, they would rather be the one to do the initiating/pursuing. (These are just guys that I know personally and whom I've talked to about this. I'm not generalising here )

[Batya33]

I think it is a shame when people label someone who is non-assertive/wishy washy/doormat-ish as "nice." Often that is not based on niceness at all - it is based on insecurity or a need to manipulate as in - I will say yes to everything you want and then I will use it as a form of control.

 

To me a person who is nice is nice to himself/herself, is reasonably confident and assertive and is giving from the healthy sense of caring not from insecurity. If we referred to the doormat types as "doormat guys" instead of "nice guys" then it wouldn't suggest that the women who don't like these so-called "nice" guys are the ones with the problem. Thanks.

[Karibo]

So you're saying that if you really really liked a guy but you knew he was definetly shy and wasn't going to be the one to make a move, you would just completely write him off just to save your own pride, so you wouldn't have to feel any sense of insecurity by putting yourself on the line. I see that as very hypocritical - you don't want to risk your own pride, but expect other men too, and if they don't then they're not worth it??

 

And plus, look at all the posts by shy men who find it hard talking to and approaching women. Should these men just be ignored because they find it hard to approach women?

 

I understand how usually a man will persue if he is interested, but i know for sure that some don't. This doesn't mean they are being manipulative or that they aren#t necessarily interested - it just means they have a hard time with it.

 

And yes I realise that alot of women may put a man's lack of interest down to him being 'shy'.

[Batya33]

"

 

Of course they do. It saves their pride. I find it fine to say to myself - ok, he's not that into me - doesn't mean he's not great for someone else or a great person.

 

Look, you want to hear that it's ok to ask him out. Of course it's ok. I am just quite certain from your description that it will be ineffective because my guess is he is not interested in a relationship with you or by now he would have asked you out on a proper date. He may very well say yes and go out with you a few times, maybe even be intimate with you and date you for a few months. But when he meets someone who knocks his socks off, he will pursue her. I would invest my time in a man who is willing to put in the effort of risking rejection (as I have done) and asking you out at least to have coffee. He clearly knows you are interested by now - you've contacted him, etc so there's little risk if indeed he is interested. All I can tell you - when you meet someone who is that interested you will say "aha - this is the way it's supposed to feel!"

 

Good luck!

[Jayar]

I'd say let him ask, but definitely encourage him along if you think it would help. Smile a lot, act approachable... Maybe don't ASK him on a date, but if there's a movie you want to see ask if he's seen it and if not say something like "it looks like it would be a great movie..." Things like that.

 

He'll take it to the next level if he's interested. Keep in mind that, as shocking as it may be, you may NOT be his type (and that's okay) and if anything subtle suggestion will probably work better for you than chasing him and coming on too strong.