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Is this right? Or am I wrong?


CHAOSpsycho
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Aight, there's alot going on in my mind right now, which is why I am going to just get down to the basis of my girlfriend and I's situation as of right now.

 

My girlfriend and I have been going out for three months. I am 19 and she is 18. She is my first love, first kiss, first everything but sex, because she is religious and believes in sex after marriage.

 

She is an aspiring actor and goes to auditions and rehearsals and whatnot. She has been on the MTV show "Next" before we started going out. She met a guy in one of her auditions and has been friends with him ever since. She met him before we started going out.

 

This guy friend would drive to her house, pick her up and go to the gym, and they would workout together, well not necesarily "together" but apart if you know what I mean.

 

When I tell my girlfriend that I get uncomfortable when she does such things, she says that I am insecure, and she says I don't trust her. I tell her it's wrong to do such things because what if one of my friends saw her with him one day at the gym, and I wasn't there, what will they think? They will probably think I allow her to see other guys. Well, today we got into an argument and we just kept going around in circles. Tomorrow, she will be doing a rehearsal in a feature film with the same guy. So is one at fault here? Or am I just being irrational. I'm not trying to point fingers and whatnot. I just would like to know what to say to her next time i talk to her. Someimes I feel she admires her friendship with her guy "friend" than our relationship.

 

Other past situations: The same guy that goes to the gym with her confessed his "love" to her right in front of my face two weeks into my girlfriend and I's relationship. He "threatened to kill himself" telling my girlfriend she was "the only thing he had." She wanted to jump in the car with him and drive off somewhere to make sure he didn't kill himself, because she "felt sorry for him." If she did jump in the car, she would of left me hanging, but it was a good thing she did not. She stayed with me.

 

Her mom: She does everything with her mom. Her mom drives her everywhere, talks to her about everything, and almost decides everything for her. When my girlfriend and I got in an argument on the phone, her mom snatched the phone from her and told her my girlfriend had to go to sleep, and that I was causing her too much stress. They are both feminists. They believe men are the downfall of society, I'm never right in any situation. They both agree it's fine that she is going to the gym with her guy friend because they are just friends. I told them how I feel, but they said I need to change... So am I being the insecure bad guy here? Or are they being irrational? I just don't know anymore...

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Well on one had you could say if she wanted this guy, she would of started dating him instead of you, but she chose you so she only see's this guy as a friend. It is worrying that he declared his love for her to you, does she know? how does she feel about that? If she see's him as a friend but he's crazy for her then it would be hard for to concentrate on her friendship with him, by the sound of it she may not be able to give him up as they do a lot together and that would mean she goes alone, which she probably doesn't want. Ask yourself is it worth it? with her mum getting involed it's going to be a really tough life you lead together and with this guy hanging aroung it will put a constant pressure on your relationship, is the situation going to get any better?

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This guy friend would drive to her house, pick her up and go to the gym, and they would workout together, well not necesarily "together" but apart if you know what I mean.

 

 

If this were the extent of their relationship I would agree with your girlfriend that you are being insecure. However, there is this....

 

 

Other past situations: The same guy that goes to the gym with her confessed his "love" to her right in front of my face two weeks into my girlfriend and I's relationship. He "threatened to kill himself" telling my girlfriend she was "the only thing he had."

 

 

If he has expressed these feelings to her openly, clearly what they have is more than a simple friendship. There is sexual tension. The fact that he actually said these things in front of you gives you more than enough justification to be uncomfortable about what they say and do with each other behind closed doors.

 

I would never in a million years allow a partner of mine to be "friends" with another man who openly said such things about her in front of me. More likely, I would beat the $%^* out of the guy myself if he wants to die so bad.

 

Seriously, I would demand immediately that she never see or speak to him again or our relationship would be over. What it all boils down to is who is more important to her? You or him? If he had never said that then you wouldn't have a case for being uncomfortable with their relationship. But he did say it, right in front of you, and she hasn't done anything.

 

On the one hand I feel sympathetic for your girlfriend because she is in a delicate situation. This guy clearly isn't stable, and I believe her when she says she feels sorry for him. However, she should not let her sympathy for him get in the way of her relationship with you by allowing this other guy to use emotional blackmail on her. Because that's exactly what he is doing, and she is letting him.

 

 

They believe men are the downfall of society, I'm never right in any situation.

 

If that is the case, in addition to the problem you have with her relationship with this "friend" I would advise you to drop her immediately. Too many complications, and she clearly isn't making you a priority.

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i reckon having an opposite sex acquantaince when you're in a relationship is ok. You know people- you say hello to them and you chat whatever- but it(s in no way comparable to a partner relationship.

 

If it's more than that- if it's actually what you'd call a friendship-- then it's perfectly understandable to feel insecure, the "sanctity" of your exclusive special relationship is being threatened. It's not right.

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Honestly Chaos, I know what you're going through. Same thing just happened with my girlfriend, albeit the situation was a little different, but the gist of it was the same.

If you feel that this guy is a threat, let her know and let her know soon. Tell her you're cool with them being friends, but that she needs to let him know that he needs to back off because he's hurting himself (by holding on to falso hopes because she's currently taken) and your relationship.

Sit her down and talk to her, let her know what's up. If she respects that choice and pushes him back a bit, good. If not, I went through the same thing, and drop her. I know it's going to hurt like hell, but do this, and don't blame her. Just let her know that you're uncomfortable with her around a guy who is such a threat and that you don't think it will work.

Either she is going to push him off and come back to you - Or not.

If she comes back, let her know that she needs to keep him pushed away, because you admit to being insecure about her being around a guy who openly commited to her, even with you there. If she doesn't come back, then it was never meant to be.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go follow my own advice lol...

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A good way to start is with an apology, your not apologising because you were wrong but because I find its easier to talk to your girlfriend after an "I'm sorry". Its human nature to be jealous, ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed. This guy, he obviously dont think much of you, you have to pay close attention to him, if he's taking her to the gym, tag along, drop in on her rehersals stick around, hang out a bit, whatever it takes to establish dominance. And you have all right to be jealous.

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I agree completely with Valenski. He's encroaching on your territory... nature of the beast to react with jealousy and anger. As for the "I'm sorry", agreed. Far easier to talk to someone because they know you don't want to do this, but it must be done. You could however always give her an ultimatum. Him or you.

It'll hurt her to all hell and back, but that's always a choice (Not one I'd recommend)...

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Are you guys reading the same post? Am I the only one who read about this other guy CONFESSING HIS LOVE FOR CHAOS'S GF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM?

 

 

The same guy that goes to the gym with her confessed his "love" to her right in front of my face two weeks into my girlfriend and I's relationship. He "threatened to kill himself" telling my girlfriend she was "the only thing he had."

 

This is more than a simple insecurity with a partner's opposite sex friend. This guy has feelings for Chaos's GF which he has openly expressed, and is using emotional blackmail to continue his "friendship" with her.

 

 

Nothing he said in his post makes me think he has anything to apologize for. Some of you may think differently, but I'm wondering how you factor in the whole "I love you, can't live without you, I'd kill myself if I ever lost you even though I'm not your BF" thing....

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Are you guys reading the same post? Am I the only one who read about this other guy CONFESSING HIS LOVE FOR CHAOS'S GF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM?

 

No I didnt read it properly!!!!!

That's crazy- your girlfriend should drop this guy immediately! It's totally ridiculous. I mean- when they hang out what do they talk about? Do they just carry on working out together while he threatens to kill himself if she leaves before he does?

 

Your girlfriend's being really unfair to you I think.

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Oh don't get me wrong, I read that. I'm going thru the same thing...

I'm not saying he does, I'm saying that saying "I'm sorry" makes it easier to speak and let everything out. My advice is just let her know that this guy is a serious threat to your relationship and if she cares enough she'll back him off and quit letting him blackmail her. If not, it was never meant to be.

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Oh don't get me wrong, I read that. I'm going thru the same thing...

I'm not saying he does, I'm saying that saying "I'm sorry" makes it easier to speak and let everything out. My advice is just let her know that this guy is a serious threat to your relationship and if she cares enough she'll back him off and quit letting him blackmail her. If not, it was never meant to be.

 

I suppose you're right. Saying you're sorry does make it easier to speak about things.

 

In a situation like this though, when you have to convince your partner to give up the "friend" who openly expresses their love for you, is it even worth trying? That and the "I'm never right about anything" comment make me think this relationship doesn't have a future at all...

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Agreed. I honestly think that this is the end of it for ya Chaos. Hate to say it but unless she can drastically change, you may need to take a step away. Be the bigger man who isn't emotionally blackmailing people... and let her choose her path of life.

 

The dirt of choice will fall where it falls, and our path will be shown and we must walk eventually. No sense in waiting around, walk with your head held high. You'll make it through this.

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CP,

There are many issues at hand here and many choices in which you are now faced with. First of all you have been dating her for only 3 months and she knew this guy prior to your relationship. If she was romantically interested in him, she has clearly had her chances with him. This guy has some real issues and maybe she is attracted to the drama. His unrequited feelings and pressure will soon wear on her and she will grow tired of his antics. I certainly don't think being friends with someone of the opposite sex is bad or a taboo but when feelings get expressed the way they were in your situation, this changes everything. Out of respect for you she should have put him in his place right in front of you. He was foolish enough to come out of the love closet in front of you so he should be spanked and sent back to the love closet in front of you by your GF. His crossing the line has created this situation more so than your reaction. Your GF may be of the personality type of a fixer/healer and can't help herself from helping others but at what cost? You have expressed your feelings and she has expressed hers. I think the choice is clear at this point, IMO it's time to "Say Good-Bye to Hollywood" and find someone who respects your feelings.

 

As for the mother, stage mothers can be the worst and she certainly sounds like the control freak mother from hell! That's going to be a never ending conflict in your relationship as long as she has her daughter's ear. As for your comment about feminists, careful there are many who lurk around here and many are my friends. Feminists don't hate men or think they are the downfall of society, leave that for the jilted stage mothers(Mommy Dearest) to use as an excuse when her little baby gets rejected by a casting director.

 

RC

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Hey thanks guys, the advice really helped me ALOT.

 

My girlfriend is one of those people that believe, if "Someone treats you bad, treat em bad, if someone treats you good, treat em good." The guy apparently treats her "good," which is why she treats him good back. She has told me that it's just not in her heart to treat someone bad, if they don't treat her bad back. Sometimes she just doesn't get reality though. Obviously, the guy is treating her "good" because he knows she will treat him good back. Knowing this, he uses her nice personality to persuade her to do different things, like work on a set with him, go to hookah bars, and all that crap. She doesn't want to hurt him because she said she "can't find it in her heart to hurt good people." Until she realizes she's "too nice," people are going to take advantage of her and use her own feelings against her.

 

There are a few good things that made me think twice about her though.

 

-She told me that this guy has "nothing on me, and she will never turn her back against me for him." He's just a friend, and she only thinks of him as nothing but a friend.

 

-When she was at the gym with him, she and I got in a big argument about her friendliness towards her "friend." She told me that she wanted to cry so much, but she held it in, so her "friend" would not see her vulnerable, giving him the ability to talk trash on me or give her a hug to make her feel better. Driving back from the gym she said she didn't say anything about the current situation about our relationship. She told me that when she is with this douche, they don't talk about how it's going between me and her.

 

-The next day after the argument, she had a film rehearsal. The same day, I had a family reunion at a beach. I told her how much it would mean to me if she came. She said she wanted to come so bad, but her rehearsal was in the way. I felt sad, and thought it was about time to break up with her. Then at the beach, she called me up and asked "If there was one thing you could wish for right now, what would it be?" I replied "You being right next to me right now." She hung up the phone, and I was like... * * *? Then moments later, she jumped behind me and surprised me. I had no idea she was gonna be at my reunion. She told me she "wanted to throw me off, and surprise me." It made me happy because after her rehearsal, she drove two hours out of her way to see me. It regained my faith in her.

 

What the future holds: She has proved to me that she wants me, and only me. She said she pictures herself only kissing me, hugging me, and having sex with me. She has said I am her "only one." SHe has told me that she cannot "leave me," because I've proven so much to her. I understand that she acts and goes to auditions because she loves it, and because she dreamt of becoming an actress when growing up. She understands that people in the industry are going to take advantage of her and "hit on her" because she is a very attractive girl. She said it's not going to affect our relationship because they can't have her, because she is mine.

 

I've responded to her saying that she's "going to have to give me patience and time, to understand why she does the things she does." I trust her that she will not cheat on me or do anything behind my back. Her personality is something I've just never seen in any other girl. I don't exxagerate(sp?) when I say this girl is DIFFERENT. Yes, she is a bit too friendly, but at least she knows it. And yes. she knows her guy "friend" likes her more than a friend, but she says she's never going to turn to him for anything but rides to a gym. Love is understanding and patience, and maybe I'm being too niave, but I'm gonna give her time and patience as well just because... I do love this girl. Time will only tell... Time will only tell..... And if she ever did do anything that does hurt me in the future, it will just prove to me that everything she has been saying all this time was nothing but lies, making it easier for me to let go and move on to a better relationship.

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I would question any relationship in which my partner was spending alone time at someones house with some other guy. Put two people of opposite sex behind closes doors... its a recipe for disaster. even if they are plutonic friends Id still be wary of that.

 

However this guy has crossed OVER the line of plutonic friends by declaring that he loves her. I would not trust his intentions towards her, nor would I expect that he will respect your relationship with her. If she cannot see that, then maybe you should cut things off now before this gets worse.

 

Trust me, it will get worse, you arent ok with this guy, and she thinks nothing is wrong. It will go round and round like a merry go round until someone gets sick of it and blows up. Tell her how you feel about the situation, be calm try to explain it logically, and tell her what you want in a girl... someone who doesnt hang out alone with a guy who loves her when you are dating said girl. then the rest is up to her, if she really loves you, or respects you she will drop the other guy. If she cannot, then either buckle down and prepare for this fight to last the duration of your relationship with her or just end it.

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just remember one thing, she needs to have enough respect for you, and your relationship to SHOW you that you are the only one. If this situation with this guy continues, and it REALLY does bother you, which is understandable given what he said, she should be willing to either drop this guy, or at least not have any 'alone' time with him which can jeapordize your relationship.

 

Furthermore, any guy that threatens to kill himself is not real stable in my book, and id be a little worried about my girl hanging out with him. Maybe he really is nuts, whats to say he wont get violent, crazy, rapist on your girl if she rejects his advances.

 

Just a thought.

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She's being selfish....and want all the attention from both ways. She should stop talking to him for the sake of yall's relationship. If she can't do that, then she isn't serious with you. You can be friends with guys, but not if the guys is obsessed with your girlfriend and admitted it in front of your face...that's disrespectful.....

 

tell her to put herself in your shoes...and see if she liked that....oh, she can do it but you can't....that's not fair.....

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It is ok if two boys love one girl and show it, as long as nobody encroaches anybody''s dignity directly. It is not pleasant that you have a rival, but why not to prove your girl that you are the one. Instead of being confused, be the one, be the hero, be gentlman, so she would see you are fighting for her! In old times men fight for woman's heart and she used to choose the best. Now it is same, in hearts.

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