Ex apologizes after a year and a half-why?

[Akua]

My ex wasnt the best bf. I put up with a lot and let even more slide past. I gave him more and didn't get much back. The fights were never angry fights but more me explaining how hurt I was when he lied. So when he broke up with me I was even more hurt because i didn't do anything wrong....he did and couldn't even be honest about that.

 

From the beginning he pursued me and lead the relationship to a strong intensity. It was so confusing bc for how strong he wanted the relationship to be he had no behavior to back up his beliefs. It shocked me that he wanted out when he kept talking about rings and babies and how much he loved me before.

 

I decided once it was over that it was good for me bc he was really a bad bf and i deserved better. so i moved on, not dated anyone seriously bc i was afraid of being hurt again, but am happy and much happier than with him. Ihave ignored his texts, his calls, never responded to his 5 page excuse letter. He still called. Generally one call a month. 6 months later i decided he will cal until we talked. So we talked and i made it pretty clear i just didn't care about it anymore. He still called and again i stopped answering. Finally he sent me an email and I told him to not contact me anymore. That was pretty bold butyou think after all the other times he would have gotten it. Well about a month ago, he contacted me online. Just nonchalantly wanted to say "hi!" I don't get it!! I finally told him "if you have something important to say, i will listen, but you need to call me". Essentially, he has never apologized or given me any reason to his behavior, and i don't think he ever will. I was really hurt by him and the relationship, so having him contact me reminds me of bad times and makes me feel awful. its mean to just keep contacting me and reminding me of our relationship. i cant be friends wtih someone who treated me so poorly. And part of me still wonders what i did to deserve to be treated this way.

 

So today i got another email:

"I guess I just wanted to touch base with you and see how you were before I left. I know we havn't talked in a while but I'm about to leave for a year or more and just wanted to see how you were. I want to apologize for not always being the best boyfriend and wish I had been a better one. My life was then, and is especially now really weird and transient - not good for a real relationship - not good for an excuse either. I always appreciated the way you treated me and the way your family did. I've dated a couple girls since then and they ended up being completely phony, cokeheads, or just awful, or all of the above - all things you aren't. The longer I'm out of college and away from home I realize you only really have about four or five real friends. Yes, I know we're not really friends now but for a year and a half you were my best friend and because of that I still think about how you are and what you're doing. I didn't really understand why you wanted me to call instead of just making me a 'friend'? I guess you don't want me on your friends list, and that's fine if that's what you want. I don't want to bother you but I'd love to talk to you before I leave."

 

What should I do now? Call him and tell him to leave me alone and why. Delete? Ignore? Reply and leave a one liner to leave me alone? Get closure?

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO?! I don't want to deal with this anymore.

 

Also WHAT HE IS TRYING TO DO?

[Scout]

Like your ex, I too am confused why you asked him to call you if he has something important to say. It seems you wanted nothing else to do with him, handled everything perfectly, in fact - except that one request. It doesn't jibe with the rest

 

Do you want to talk to him, to hear him apologize? Nothing really wrong with that, it just seems you feel a bit confused, too, over what kind of interaction you want with him at this point.

[friscodj]

OK, two parts here.

 

First, why is he doing this? I would say he's probably going through a transition or tough spot in his life and is realizing some things about his past behavior. I'd say perhaps a heartbreak or some similar tragedy happened. Now, he is reaching out trying to find some positivity in his life perhaps, seeking validation that he is an alright person through forgiveness for his past mistakes. Perhaps he feels if you remain in his life, he won't feel like he "messed up".

 

Now, what should you do? First, figure out what you want from a relationship of any sort, close, distant, friends, etc. with this guy. I have to say this one is totally up to you...

[Akua]

Like your ex, I too am confused why you asked him to call you if he has something important to say. It seems you wanted nothing else to do with him, handled everything perfectly, in fact - except that one request. It doesn't jibe with the rest

 

Do you want to talk to him, to hear him apologize? Nothing really wrong with that, it just seems you feel a bit confused, too, over what kind of interaction you want with him at this point.

 

Scout that is a good point. I just don't know what else to do. I tried everything to get him out of my life. And then he contacted me online. I see his page everyday and he would try to look at mine but it is locked. not responding to him was like ignoring the elephant in the room. i am tired of his games of not being honest. i am tired of the games. i feel like he is the bully who just wont leave you alone no matter what. I guess i should have just ignored him? I regret not doing that now.

 

I just asked him to call me bc i didnt have his #. I really wanted to just call him and let him have it and tell him how i really feel since he has no clue about ANYTHING that went on in that relationship or after the break up. I just dropped off the face of the earth and walked away. I didn't even tell him all that he did to hurt me. I just wanted to get through the BS of saying "hi" and to see what he really wants and tell him how i really feel.

 

then i want to be done with him and the past. i want to move on but i am having a hard time knowing that i have to hold my breath everytime he contacts me. it really does a number on me...I mean, bc of his stupid email i am here venting about him...WHY!?!? why did i respond to his first contact?!! if anyone reads this, dont ever respond. does anyone know how hard it is to take the upper hand for a year and a half and know he will never feel or understand what he did??

[need2bme]

Frisco: Awsome reply, as in first things first...

 

First, figure out what you want from a relationship of any sort, close, distant, friends, etc. with this guy. I have to say this one is totally up to you...

 

Excellent and I need to read that too.

[friscodj]

I mean, bc of his stupid email i am here venting about him...WHY!?!? why did i respond to his first contact?!! if anyone reads this, dont ever respond. does anyone know how hard it is to take the upper hand for a year and a half and know he will never feel or understand what he did??

 

Exactly, why are you doing this? You should really think about the answer to that question...

 

And you speak of how you are tired of the "games". Well, in your 4th line I quoted, you speak of "the upper hand". That sure sounds like you are palying the game too...

 

To me, you sound confused and conflicted. I think you need to first figure out what you really want...

[Akua]

id be happy if the relationship never happened in the first place. but you never regret what you do iguess.

 

so what do i want? i want him out of my life. i dont want to be reminded of him or my past. i dont want any kind of relationship.

 

what do i do then? ignore his email?

[Belle]

And part of me still wonders what i did to deserve to be treated this way.

 

Nothing. His treatment of you is a reflection on him, not you.

 

I understand that you're conflicted about responding to his email. It doesn't sound like he's changed. He's just finally admitting the obvious in less than black and white terms. he sucked as a boyfriend and didn't deserve you. It's a pity he had to go through a few undesireable women to understand what a good one is.

 

You were strong when you left this guy and put yourself first. It's highly admirable, and I don't see enough of that happening on this forum. You walked the walk. Do you really want to settle for someone who has already admitted that he's "transient" and no good for a relationship right now? Do you need this person in your life? If you do, what for? It will only add more confusion and I think you're headed in teh right direction. Away from him and towards something better for you. I'm just telling you what I'd want to hear if I were in your position. And I have been.

 

Good luck

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with Friscod for the most part.

 

The email sounds sincere...and I say that because it;s not like he's getting

anything out of the relationship with you at this point.

 

Maybe he feels regret..and wants to right a wrong.

This does NOT obligate you in ANY way....but

you need to follow your heart here........

[Akua]

why am i still angry? i know he is bad for me. i dont want a relationship with him. the thought makes me ill bc i know it would be degrading. part of me still feels really rejected bc he never made me feel like he knew what he had. i know what he had,but if that was truly the case then why would i be wanting him to know it? so clearly i have security problems. ok. ill admit that...i mean, who doesn't,right?

 

at this point though it is too late to make amends. deeeeeeep down in there i care. i said i loved this guy and that wont go away. but i have got to protect myself. you cant change his behavior but you can change yours and i know that i have to walk away. id be willing to tolerate an email once a year if i just had someone else i was in love with. (i am sure that sentence is going to get ripped apart soon )

 

but why do i feel like you all think that i want to get back together with him? i don't. i just dont like being angry and i am tired of hiding my anger from him. anger is a form of hurt. hurt happens when you care about someone. i do care about him, but not enough to be with him. am i just rambling now?

[virgo827]

I say you just leave it alone. He says he is leaving, LET HIM LEAVE!!! He hurt you. He doesnt deserve the satisfaction of trying to make right between the two of you. You let him back into your life, he would probably find a way to stomp all over you, AGAIN! Leaving you feeling worse than you did before. Whatever he is dealing with personally is his problem. Get on with YOUR life.

[Lady Bugg]

Virgo is probably right with this one.............

Good advice...

[joyce1412]

Nothing. His treatment of you is a reflection on him, not you.

 

I understand that you're conflicted about responding to his email. It doesn't sound like he's changed. He's just finally admitting the obvious in less than black and white terms. he sucked as a boyfriend and didn't deserve you. It's a pity he had to go through a few undesireable women to understand what a good one is.

 

i completely agree! you don't know what you've got till it's gone, huh? and it sounds like he completely deserved those women, and i bet they deserved him, too.

 

however, i am not sure i agree with lady bugg that his email is sincere. i mean, his EMOTIONS might be sincere--regret over repelling you, confusion about his place in life--but the email's end goal is to make him feel better about himself, because not only is he focusing on what a hard time HE'S having--he apologizes to you, yes, but look at the ratio of space spent talking about HIMSELF versus you. he's not really that sorry. the other end goal is that he wants you to respond and reassure him that you're still friends, that you're still there for him.

 

i got an email like this from my ex a couple months ago...SCARILY similar to this in fact. many of the same points and themes. i don't think his life was going very well at the time, and he was lamenting about how we were no longer friends, how he wanted us to be cool, saying sorry for certain things. i thought it was total crap. it was designed to make him feel better about himself and, if i responded, i would be comforting him with the knowledge that i was still there for him, that i was still a puppy dog for his attention. it made me sick.

 

however, BOTTOM LINE: if you're serious about wanting him to leave you alone...block his emails, change your phone number, whatever you need to do. you are putting too much mental participation into his contact, so you need to block him out and stop caring.

[joyce1412]

He doesnt deserve the satisfaction of trying to make right between the two of you.

 

yes, very right.

 

i believe it was belle who told me, "my ex will learn from me when he never hears from me again." i think it's the most powerful message you can send. your ex just has to live with the consequences forever. too bad.

[Smile_83]

I think this is a situation that you have to think about a resolution on. I was in a similar situation, where my ex wrote a letter after six months, and then texed me (pretending to be someone else). He apologized, but at that point I knew that I didn't want anything to do with him. To be honest I still think from time to time what it would have been like if I reacted in a different way, but I don't regret my decision. Follow your heart, sometimes people change, but most of the time they don't.

[Akua]

yeah thats right. he stomped on me during his hard time when we were together too.

 

interesting....i always saw myself as the vibrant energetic emotional one around him. sometimes he made me feel like emotion was bad. but in retrospect, i was always the emotional rock. his life was "weird and transient" because he made it that way and I was the emotional rock for him that told him it was ok and put up with him being all over the place. here he is again, getting deployed and scared and he knows i am that rock for him. i might have showed my feelings and laughed/cried/yelled but i still know who i am. he lied about everything and was as lost as he could be.

 

why do i want to be that crutch again? that is what bothers me the most about his email. he knows he is going somewhere far away and dnagerous and is using that as ammo against me. (ok that is a little vicious, but you know he wants me to feel sorry for him...when he actually signed up for all this).

 

ok guys, i am leaning toward not responding. i got what i wanted right? he apologized. that is what i wanted. so now, girl, walk the F away!

[Akua]

joyce1412: i completely agree! you don't know what you've got till it's gone, huh? and it sounds like he completely deserved those women, and i bet they deserved him, too.

 

 

SOOOO TRUE! I read about those girls and i thought "boy that is what you did to me!!!"

 

 

joyce1412 i am not sure i agree with lady bugg that his email is sincere. i mean, his EMOTIONS might be sincere--regret over repelling you, confusion about his place in life--but the email's end goal is to make him feel better about himself, because not only is he focusing on what a hard time HE'S having--he apologizes to you, yes, but look at the ratio of space spent talking about HIMSELF versus you. he's not really that sorry. the other end goal is that he wants you to respond and reassure him that you're still friends, that you're still there for him.[/i]

 

I also agree with this bc he has been manipulative from the break up day. His break up letter essentially said that if i never talked to him again i would ruin any chance of us ever getting back together again. But then he proceeded to tell me that we were so different we needed to break up. And then he said that he loved me and doesnt want to lose. Mind games? Yeah imiagine the entire relationship.

 

joyce1412: believe it was belle who told me, "my ex will learn from me when he never hears from me again." i think it's the most powerful message you can send. your ex just has to live with the consequences forever. too bad.

 

I laughed out loud when i read this. i know this is what i need to do. you know there are some people you cannot get the point accross to unless you sacrifice yourself. but int his case, it is my pleasure.

[friscodj]

so what do i want? i want him out of my life. i dont want to be reminded of him or my past. i dont want any kind of relationship.

 

what do i do then? ignore his email?

 

If this is what you really want, then yes, I say ignore him until hell freezes over...sooner or later...he will go away...trust me...

 

Part of me wants to say shoot him a quick email saying "Hey, we're cool, but I want to leave things in the past, goodbye", but in my experience if you give persistent people like this even a little bit of hope...they'll get even closer and stick around longer...

 

Let it go.

[beebee]

you dont want him in your life anymore?... you dont want any contact?... then my advice to you is to tell him by writing an e... also tell him why... tell him what an idiot he was for ruining a good thing... tell him what a fool he was to think that you could be so easily replaced... tell him that your GLAD that he feels rotten because HE SHOULD!... tell him those things... tell him "silly, silly, man... what a foolish little man you were for letting me go"... tell him "did it make you feel like a man to hurt me like you did?"... get your feelings off your chest and let him know that you will forever remember him as the worse mistake of your life and that HE DOES make you ill... tell him that maybe someday, just maybe, you will think of him in a much nicer way, but for now you just cant...

 

believe me... you will get your point accross and also feel some satisfaction in the process... isnt that what part of this is about?... some satisfaction that your not that easily replaced?... would be for me...

 

just my suggestions, but then again im mad as hell... lol... consider that when your make your decision as to what to do...

Good luck and God Bless...

[joyce1412]

you dont want him in your life anymore?... you dont want any contact?... then my advice to you is to tell him by writing an e... also tell him why... tell him what an idiot he was for ruining a good thing... tell him what a fool he was to think that you could be so easily replaced... tell him that your GLAD that he feels rotten because HE SHOULD!... tell him those things... tell him "silly, silly, man... what a foolish little man you were for letting me go"... tell him "did it make you feel like a man to hurt me like you did?"... get your feelings off your chest and let him know that you will forever remember him as the worse mistake of your life and that HE DOES make you ill... tell him that maybe someday, just maybe, you will think of him in a much nicer way, but for now you just cant...

 

this might not be the classiest thing to do, but i have to admit...

 

i did this once to an ex who tried to apologize and it felt GREAT. i felt an immediate release of all those feelings, like i no longer "needed" to hold onto them anymore. then i felt completely free to move on.

 

however, i don't know if an email's the best way to do it. i did mine over the phone and got to immediately experience his shock and shame. HA.

[friscodj]

Listen, I can tell you almost surely this guy has probably already paid or will pay his debts + interest to the Karma gods for his mistakes...been there and done that...and I don't wish that on my worst enemy...

 

I bet he didn't hurt you on purpose and to seek to do such to him is just plain selfish, classless, and wrong...

[beebee]

dear fris... your comment is kind towards her ex which is a lovely way to look at the world... your giving bad behavior way too much latitude... my view leans towards the other end of the spectrum...

 

you say he didnt realize he was hurting her, or maybe other people put in that position didnt know they were hurting others... i disagree... i know when im hurting someone... noone has to tell me either at the time or afterwards... im adult enough to realize when my actions are not proper and my words sting... another words "noone has to tell me when im being an a***ole... i know it."

[Akua]

Well I stil havent done anything. I kinda just dont want to deal with it. I am one of those people who keeps putttin gup with things until the fester and then Ill finally explode. I don't want to keep my feelings bottled up. I feel like i have been doing that already for a year and a half. But at a certain point, what good does it do to say how I feel to him. Will he listen? What would he do with that? How will I feel after that?

 

I guess your replies do lead to my biggest question....why is he still contacting me? Does he not know how hurtful his behavior was? Does he really think a simple request on my friend list is ok after all the feelings ive went through? So then maybe he didnt get as hurt...well then how could he not have been hurt by this relationship? or the lack of it now? How could he not be sensitive to know that if someone asks you to not contact them again, that they probably dont respect you or are hurt by you. Why would he put himself in this situation. I keep thinking how mean it is of him to just not care or even think of my feelings everytime he contacts me. It very narcistic. So its mean if he just doesn't care. He is horrible if he just doesnt know and has some serious issues if he thinks everything is cool and just wants to chat. and again that just makes him mean. He's dumb if he thinks that he is taking a big step by making a simple friend request to view my webpage. I deserve more than that. i asked to him call me. i deserve to be told something important, not requested as a petty friend on a website.

 

i guess then, he did email me and tell me something, but he sitll coudlnt do what i ask and call and there is nothing to come of it. so why did he contact me? why?

[joyce1412]

so why did he contact me? why?

 

people are selfish. it's just him being selfish. like i said before, he's looking for absolution and he's looking to you to give it to him--VERY uncool. he is disregarding your feelings in pursuit of this absolution. and to be honest, he will never understand the hurt you went through, which is why it is so easy for him to send you this lame email. think about it: could he really live with himself if he'd known what he did to you?

 

he's just a person with limitations, like all the rest of us. there's no way he can make up for the pain you went through, and he's trying to do it (pretty pathetically, might i add.) so yeah, he has limitations. he's scared. he's sad. he's lonely. and, in the whirlpool of his emotions, blind to what you went through, he's sent you this.

 

and, as i'm sure you've concluded, it sucks for him that he's feeling badly, but making him feel better is SO not your job. so, pity him.