My Story - Friend, Boss and ?

[felix]

I guess I am interested in perspective here. I recently became 41 and am single and not married. I am a senior manager and for the last two years have had a woman aged 26 working as part of my team (mixed men and women). I am much younger in looks and attitude than my age belies and my entire team really love working for me as I am relaxed and we all have great fun. I have always been very careful not to mix professional and personal situations.

 

At first the woman who works for me was just one of the team and although she is very attractive I made sure that I did not engage in any way. This remained as such for over a year. Last year we started to become friends slowly but surely and did things together out side work such as go swimming or to the gym or just hung out occasionally and had the occasional meal. Slowly but surely I was invited into her world (and she into mine). Funnily enough it was she who first made that move by offering to help me paint my kitchen when I really didn't know her that well personally.

 

Over the months that followed we became far far closer, sharing everything and started to discuss doing things including small vacations such as visiting New York and it all became quite exciting and felt special. There was most certainly onbious but gentle flirting on both sides, touching and friendly kisses. She is a quiet and professional girl who seems to know what she wants in life but often seeks my advice on any number of things maybe because i am older.

 

Things escalated a little more early this year when at a special event we both had too much wine and ended up holding hands and touching and hugging. But it was left there which was fine.

 

Soon I was invited to her house to meet her brothers who are a similar age to me and then remarkably i was invited to the Middle East to visit her father a month or so ago but I couldn't get a visa due time time constraints. We had shared a bed twice as friends, once at a wedding and although the signals were there i chose not to cross that boss/friend divide even though it was extremely tempting and i really wanted to. However, perhaps because i held back, she then flirted alot with another guy my age at the wedding we attended together and I did start to feel somwhat jealous which was I guess my first real realisation that feelings were developing.

 

Whilst away she made a real effort to keep in touch with me from the middle east and told me she missed me as I also told her too. On her return we were really excited to see each other but as her best friend was leaving the UK to live in America that week we had little chance to go out and catch up. When we did finally go for dinner she made a joke in front of her girlfriend that maybe she and I would begin our affair when we go on a conference later this year.

 

She also spent a two hour journey in my car after the wedding trip in June quizing me about my previous sex life and talking about sex in general - all in a relaxed and friendly way - though it took me by surprise.

 

Now taking stock of the entire situation, close friends, being relaxed with eachother, lots of laughter, making plans, flirting, trust etc as well as absolute and direct body signals I decided It was time to confront our possible potential relationship (2 years on!). Unfortunately for me I stupidly texted her when we were both drunk after a night out and told her she was gorgeous and sexy and that we should get it together. This was me coming on far too strong and probably making her feel like i simply wanted her for sex (she later said I had insulted her with my comments) which couldn't be further from the truth. I had in fact by now fallen in love with her.

 

She didn't respond and I so apologised to her and she said that it was cool and fine and smiled. However all was clearly not well I felt - maybe I had betrayed her trust and thereforeeee i finally wrote her an email that explained my entire journey with her to date and how I thought we had reached this point of having feelings for her. Again a week passed (she sits in my office) and the atmosphere was wired and tense. She even moved her desk.

 

It became so tense due to her lack of wilingness to talk about things that I wrote finally to her after she said she didn't want to talk just now - and so I told her that there were not enough words in the english language for me to apologise with if I had misread all the signals (I didn't go too overboard). I also suggested that as her career was just taking hold that it was probably better for me to look for another position which I am happy to do if it will help her.

 

I also ensured that the professional side of things was better than ever and that she had my full support. She immediately came to see me to talk and immediately cried, I cried, we both cried (not something usual for anyone not interested in the other perhaps). We went to talk in a bar (we drank water!) and she wanted me to do the talking so I told her I was sorry that I had perhaps taken things too far and explained all the signals she had given me, and she told me that we would start again and forget about what happened (me coming on strong). Oddly she would not talk about her own viewpoint at all. It ended with warm hugs and kisses. I wouldn't apologise for liking her too much though.

 

Since then things have been pretty detached on both sides for the last few days. I most certainly don't want her to feel hassled by me but neither do I know what she is thinking. I certainly am not sure how she thinks of us though I do know there is real affection there but I do know that she felt enough of me to invite me to her country to meet her father and have a holiday with her - she even went so far as to say that we must share a hotel room together and not be apart. I have lain my cards on the table and thats all I will do - at least it is direct honesty on my part. She has given away little in return so far, except through her body language which remains open and inviting and she still puts kisses at the end of her emails(!). She had every opportunity to tell me I was wrong about our mutual liking and to be honest I'd have expected her to say so, but she hasn't.

 

I had offered that we both visit Italy together as friends to rebuild our trust (too soon perhaps) but she has said she would not be comfortable with that just now and wants things to return to normal first (normal?). She has said she would like to come skiing in December with me.

 

The happy chats in messenger have generally stopped from her and so have her texts just now - its been a week since our chat together. She has asked me though to help her look at new apartments for her.

 

I am surmizing that I need to give things time and back off and give some thinking space - and be the good guy and be her friend for her. I don't wish to be walked over but unfortunately for me I fell in love when I tried so hard not to.

 

I very much like the slow aspect of relationships and my one moment of madness appears to have undermined the situation for now. I guess its never easy combining work and personal feelings.

 

Then again maybe I have just misread the whole situation - easily done for us guys, though i know I have read this one right.

 

Any views would be greatly appreciated

[NJRon]

Well, that's quite a story. Welcome to ENA!

 

I am particularly biased against relationships in the work place, especially between supervisor and subordinate. However, it seems that you are willing to change jobs if it becomes and isuue and definitely doesn't seem to be one of abusing your authority.

 

However, I wonder how she feels about it. I can understand that things are going slowly with you and that feels good. If you feel she is truly open to more and you are willing to take it easy, then good for you.

 

I would be a little hesitant to pursue this, as it seems there are other issues that could undermine this relationship. It's hard to tell whether she is trying to take things slow.. or if she is push/pulling.

[felix]

Yes I have to say that my women friends are all totally stumped by this situation - on the one hand by being the boss that could spell problems in her mind, then again we are so close that she knows i would never abuse the work situation. I'd go with the argument that she is simply not sure what to do for the best except for the key point that as a middle eastern girl she was still wanting to take me out there to meet the family - and thats no small a step. Hmm....

 

I am certainly interested in why she would push/pull unless it is simply for attention and flattery.

 

To misquote When Harry Met Sally - you have to get out there, do you want to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your wife....

[NJRon]

Yeah, I agree. I think, given her background, that's a serious step. I may be confused though a bt... is she still willing to do that?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would say stay away from her. It seems to me she just likes to have older men wrapped around her finger. She knew exactly what she was about having sex talks with you and then playing all coy once you make a move on her. She is trouble and if I were you, don't put your job at risk for her.

[felix]

I guess that right this second all discussion of journeys and trips are on hold - the last time I talked about it she said that don't worry, you will get to come eventually...

 

I guess what I am wondering is why she is finding it difficult to talk openly about what she feels. Maybe some people just do..they keep their options open by keeping things inside.

 

I am also wondering whether actually it is best just to turn off from the situation, keep my distance for a bit as best I can and see how much of an effort she will then make in return -but that is game playing which I dislike. Then again its part of the ebb and flow of these situations. What I don't want to do is not behave like a friend.

 

Yes I do sense trouble here i'm afraid and am perhaps being somewhat naieve by giving her some benefit of my doubt. I wouldn't find it a problem to just switch off and sit back if that is what is required. As my career is my main thing in life to date, I don't mess with it lightly. If you are right...once she has realised she is not in control she will do her utmost to pull me back...She certainly knows I have great self control and willpower.

[felix]

sorry guys - another footnote, then I will see what u make of it: For the week after I admitted my feelings, she couldn't sleep at night apparently and after 6 days of being up all night started taking natural remedy sleeping pills. What on earth is going on in this girl's head - surely admitting feelings doesn't cause that much mental anguish & turmoil - or does it ????!!

 

Sounds to me like there is an other factor in all this that we don't know about - like someone else for instance....

[NJRon]

Sometimes, admitting feelings... or being on the receiving end... triggers a lot of introspection.

[felix]

yes hence the reason for me giving her and me space....but not for too long. If no feedback after another week its time to move on. Shame as i will miss her....

[NJRon]

Sorry for your awkward situation. I does really seem like you are in a holding pattern. I think it's good for you to set a boundary that is appropriate for you.

 

Good luck.

[felix]

Sorry to come back to this but I'd like to know if anyone thinks I should push for her to explain her view of the world before setting myself free? There are too many questions unanswered and she has never explained things from her perspective. Or should I just leave it alone and see if she eventually comes and talks? A bit stuck on this one I am afraid.

 

cheers

[NJRon]

Hmm... if you planned on giving it a week, why don't you give it a week and the, sit down with her and go over the issue. Get closure.

[Momene]

I guess the whole boss bit is the main issue. Otherwise 41 to 26 is no big deal, unless she wants kids and you think you're too old.