felix

Actions speak louder than words don't they - when you suspect something you are probably right. I'd be annoyed too on this occasion. I guess in the early days of any relationship there are moments like this which are very testing but my view of things is that if someone wants to be with you, they will try their very best and if they don't want to be, thats tells me everything i needed to know. I am sorry he has done this. Men will sometimes distance themselves to find out how they are feeling about someone, to give themselves space to feel what it is like if that person is not there- if they miss them then they know that she is the one for them...

The very same thing has just happened to me my friend. Same kind of letter from interpreting signals right and the same kind of reaction. She says she wants to be great friends again but her actions demonstrate she wants distance just now. Like me, you have demonstrated honesty and thats all any man can do - far better than to have kept things hidden which in itself is dishonest. The self control ands elf respect we have in these circumstances is to be cool and walk away after doing the right thing. If in time, she realises that you were the man for her, she will let you know - thats all that you can hope for. I'd rather wake up each morning knowing i did the right thing than to eat myself alive by loving someone and never telling them. You are a cool dude and I am glad that you have done the right thing. I do not believe, as in my own case too, that you misinterpreted things at all - i think you acted with your heart. And no one can ever have a problem with that, whoever they are. I'd also like to add that life has a strange way of catching up with these things, for example when you are nice to people then a long time later they have a way of turning up again - one instance is a girl who I said I loved 5 years ago who only now has realised that fact....

Sorry to come back to this but I'd like to know if anyone thinks I should push for her to explain her view of the world before setting myself free? There are too many questions unanswered and she has never explained things from her perspective. Or should I just leave it alone and see if she eventually comes and talks? A bit stuck on this one I am afraid. cheers

The fact is, however odd it seems, you may feel like you don't have control of the situation right now when in fact at the moment you are the one who IS in control of the situation - why because you are calm, collected and waiting for him to call and explain - which he certainly will! Quite a few guys, once they are feeling sure of a situation will think to themselves okay i know I am suppsoed to call and I should do but hey she needs to learn that I don't need to explain everything and by not calling she will miss me that little bit more so for today I won't call and then when I do it will be fine. They don't know for sure you will be cut up in any way but it does cross their mind ever so slightly that hey you may be waiting for them - and they like that. Now that doesn't necesaarily show him in the best possible light but millions of guys do the very same thing (show me a relationship that doesn't involve power play). For today, you have absolutely no idea why he hasn't been in touch and it it could be for a very good reason. I suspect that we are seeing an ever so slight touch of game play going on, nothing bad, but by being calm and collected you are the one who will be fine out of this. The worst possible thing you can do is make a mountain of an issue out of today as it will scare him away. Sounds to me like things are really great between you and that at this moment you simply need to wait for him to call. As all relationships are based on trust and faith as their foundations - you will be demonstrating that now.

how are you feeling now ?

my question back to you is why does she continue to date you ? are there any good times still...does she show emotions and feelings to you still ? i do think that you need to be understanding of her education though, for some girls it is very important to them and offers the chance of future security. in business its the same - time is scarce. However, if she is't communicating then be worried, and as she has been with another guy - walk away, immediately.

yes hence the reason for me giving her and me space....but not for too long. If no feedback after another week its time to move on. Shame as i will miss her....

Watch the scene in the 1996 movie Swingers (Vince Vaughn) where the guy calls the girl repeatedly on an answer phone at 2am - that about sums it up.

You and I are in the same boat here - lets keep updated and see what happens next. May the force be with us both I have even removed her cell number from my phone temporarily and memorized the last 3 digits so that I cannot text her but know if she calls or texts me. A bit drastic but it works for me.

you will F this up if you keep calling him - men love to do the work - to chase. I am well aware that women like to chase as well but on this occasion you have just answered your own question. When you made him sweat he came running. You need to be on far firmer footing before you can forget about small game play and tactics. I hate game play but it makes the world go round baby.

like all basic marketing methods - create the need and the desire then occasionally remove it to create his need for more. This applies on both sides. We all want what we can't quite have. Calling him removes his need to call you, touching him removes is need to touch you first. Increase his desire by being hard to get - you have already created the desire. If in the end it doesn't work and he doesn't want you - you seriously had a lucky escape. On this occasion you are craving and needing him due to him withdrawing. Remember that it works both ways.

I am in a similar situation as per another thread - the desperate need for clarity. But in the end emotionally charged neediness - thats what it will come accross to him - is a huge turn off. The strength we all have is in our cool handling of situations. Your brother has a point to a degree - its all the ebb and flow between two people. There is almost certainly a reason as you say, and you will find out in the short term but patience and a cool head is needed at this point. Men love cool women, believe me!

get rid of that friend mate - he spells Trouble. my ex best friend is married to my ex girlfriend after she ran off with him

As Blender says......do nothing.. Sit back and be cool.....

The truth is that people are always where they want to be - both men and women will move oceans and mountains to be somewhere with someone if they truly want to... - when it doesn't happen that way then in my book its all fog and feeble excuses, unless they really have a truly good reason such as illness.

Since 1990 I have only received closure once - I am generally left completely in the dark and as a deep thinker and a man who tries to fix issues thats a nightmare I don't wish on anyone

sorry guys - another footnote, then I will see what u make of it: For the week after I admitted my feelings, she couldn't sleep at night apparently and after 6 days of being up all night started taking natural remedy sleeping pills. What on earth is going on in this girl's head - surely admitting feelings doesn't cause that much mental anguish & turmoil - or does it ????!! Sounds to me like there is an other factor in all this that we don't know about - like someone else for instance....

I guess that right this second all discussion of journeys and trips are on hold - the last time I talked about it she said that don't worry, you will get to come eventually... I guess what I am wondering is why she is finding it difficult to talk openly about what she feels. Maybe some people just do..they keep their options open by keeping things inside. I am also wondering whether actually it is best just to turn off from the situation, keep my distance for a bit as best I can and see how much of an effort she will then make in return -but that is game playing which I dislike. Then again its part of the ebb and flow of these situations. What I don't want to do is not behave like a friend. Yes I do sense trouble here i'm afraid and am perhaps being somewhat naieve by giving her some benefit of my doubt. I wouldn't find it a problem to just switch off and sit back if that is what is required. As my career is my main thing in life to date, I don't mess with it lightly. If you are right...once she has realised she is not in control she will do her utmost to pull me back...She certainly knows I have great self control and willpower.

Yes I have to say that my women friends are all totally stumped by this situation - on the one hand by being the boss that could spell problems in her mind, then again we are so close that she knows i would never abuse the work situation. I'd go with the argument that she is simply not sure what to do for the best except for the key point that as a middle eastern girl she was still wanting to take me out there to meet the family - and thats no small a step. Hmm.... I am certainly interested in why she would push/pull unless it is simply for attention and flattery. To misquote When Harry Met Sally - you have to get out there, do you want to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your wife....

I guess I am interested in perspective here. I recently became 41 and am single and not married. I am a senior manager and for the last two years have had a woman aged 26 working as part of my team (mixed men and women). I am much younger in looks and attitude than my age belies and my entire team really love working for me as I am relaxed and we all have great fun. I have always been very careful not to mix professional and personal situations. At first the woman who works for me was just one of the team and although she is very attractive I made sure that I did not engage in any way. This remained as such for over a year. Last year we started to become friends slowly but surely and did things together out side work such as go swimming or to the gym or just hung out occasionally and had the occasional meal. Slowly but surely I was invited into her world (and she into mine). Funnily enough it was she who first made that move by offering to help me paint my kitchen when I really didn't know her that well personally. Over the months that followed we became far far closer, sharing everything and started to discuss doing things including small vacations such as visiting New York and it all became quite exciting and felt special. There was most certainly onbious but gentle flirting on both sides, touching and friendly kisses. She is a quiet and professional girl who seems to know what she wants in life but often seeks my advice on any number of things maybe because i am older. Things escalated a little more early this year when at a special event we both had too much wine and ended up holding hands and touching and hugging. But it was left there which was fine. Soon I was invited to her house to meet her brothers who are a similar age to me and then remarkably i was invited to the Middle East to visit her father a month or so ago but I couldn't get a visa due time time constraints. We had shared a bed twice as friends, once at a wedding and although the signals were there i chose not to cross that boss/friend divide even though it was extremely tempting and i really wanted to. However, perhaps because i held back, she then flirted alot with another guy my age at the wedding we attended together and I did start to feel somwhat jealous which was I guess my first real realisation that feelings were developing. Whilst away she made a real effort to keep in touch with me from the middle east and told me she missed me as I also told her too. On her return we were really excited to see each other but as her best friend was leaving the UK to live in America that week we had little chance to go out and catch up. When we did finally go for dinner she made a joke in front of her girlfriend that maybe she and I would begin our affair when we go on a conference later this year. She also spent a two hour journey in my car after the wedding trip in June quizing me about my previous sex life and talking about sex in general - all in a relaxed and friendly way - though it took me by surprise. Now taking stock of the entire situation, close friends, being relaxed with eachother, lots of laughter, making plans, flirting, trust etc as well as absolute and direct body signals I decided It was time to confront our possible potential relationship (2 years on!). Unfortunately for me I stupidly texted her when we were both drunk after a night out and told her she was gorgeous and sexy and that we should get it together. This was me coming on far too strong and probably making her feel like i simply wanted her for sex (she later said I had insulted her with my comments) which couldn't be further from the truth. I had in fact by now fallen in love with her. She didn't respond and I so apologised to her and she said that it was cool and fine and smiled. However all was clearly not well I felt - maybe I had betrayed her trust and thereforeeee i finally wrote her an email that explained my entire journey with her to date and how I thought we had reached this point of having feelings for her. Again a week passed (she sits in my office) and the atmosphere was wired and tense. She even moved her desk. It became so tense due to her lack of wilingness to talk about things that I wrote finally to her after she said she didn't want to talk just now - and so I told her that there were not enough words in the english language for me to apologise with if I had misread all the signals (I didn't go too overboard). I also suggested that as her career was just taking hold that it was probably better for me to look for another position which I am happy to do if it will help her. I also ensured that the professional side of things was better than ever and that she had my full support. She immediately came to see me to talk and immediately cried, I cried, we both cried (not something usual for anyone not interested in the other perhaps). We went to talk in a bar (we drank water!) and she wanted me to do the talking so I told her I was sorry that I had perhaps taken things too far and explained all the signals she had given me, and she told me that we would start again and forget about what happened (me coming on strong). Oddly she would not talk about her own viewpoint at all. It ended with warm hugs and kisses. I wouldn't apologise for liking her too much though. Since then things have been pretty detached on both sides for the last few days. I most certainly don't want her to feel hassled by me but neither do I know what she is thinking. I certainly am not sure how she thinks of us though I do know there is real affection there but I do know that she felt enough of me to invite me to her country to meet her father and have a holiday with her - she even went so far as to say that we must share a hotel room together and not be apart. I have lain my cards on the table and thats all I will do - at least it is direct honesty on my part. She has given away little in return so far, except through her body language which remains open and inviting and she still puts kisses at the end of her emails(!). She had every opportunity to tell me I was wrong about our mutual liking and to be honest I'd have expected her to say so, but she hasn't. I had offered that we both visit Italy together as friends to rebuild our trust (too soon perhaps) but she has said she would not be comfortable with that just now and wants things to return to normal first (normal?). She has said she would like to come skiing in December with me. The happy chats in messenger have generally stopped from her and so have her texts just now - its been a week since our chat together. She has asked me though to help her look at new apartments for her. I am surmizing that I need to give things time and back off and give some thinking space - and be the good guy and be her friend for her. I don't wish to be walked over but unfortunately for me I fell in love when I tried so hard not to. I very much like the slow aspect of relationships and my one moment of madness appears to have undermined the situation for now. I guess its never easy combining work and personal feelings. Then again maybe I have just misread the whole situation - easily done for us guys, though i know I have read this one right. Any views would be greatly appreciated