Guy who attacked me is ruing my life. Please Help!

[darkpetals]

I feel very depressed and sad. When i was 13 my ex boyfriend who i trusted invited me to a party,, i wasnt supposed to be there. When we got there it was only him and his 3 friends. I knew it was weird but trusted him, to make a long story short they all r*ped me. And the ex was saying all kinds of humiliating things when they were doing it.

 

I never told anyone, at the time i didnt realize what he did, i was naive. I was confused, blamed myself and did not tell anyone. I dont know how i could.

 

The next year i managed to go to a HS out of the area and met new people, had a new boyfriend who was very nice and we went out for 5 years. I spent most of my time in that area. Then i went away to college.

 

I'm 23 years old now and back home studying for my Masters. I really have not thought about the ex since that time. He has been hanging out accross the street from my building with all of my brothers friends talking loud all night. its a public area so hes allowed. we live in a bad area so the cops do nothing. My brother told me that hes friends with all his friends, i told him well you cant hang out with him, he said why? I said because hes a really bad guy that hurt me.. I just couldnt tell him.

And my Mom has told me he ran up to her the other day, he has not spoken to her since i was 13 and said in crazy way "HOW ARE YOU, hOW ARE YOU DOING"??

Shes scared,

 

I can't do my homework, all i hear is his voice all night tormenting me from outside. I feel terrible!!!!!!!!! I was crying and told my mother , cant we move? She says were too poor.

Im too poor myself to move, i owe student loans and i wanted to work on my Masters here.

I feel like im living in a nightmare.

Im scared to walk outside and run into him, what am i supposed to do if i run into him?

I feel so trapped. I told the counselor at school everything and she just told me to do the best i can....

[nottoogreen]

Hi darkpetals,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

My first wife was a child rape victim, I know what she went through and the lack of understanding and care of her family hurt her the most.

 

You have to work on your future, on your Masters.

 

Have you ever been to professional counseling, a rape support center and such? Here is a list of support resources: . In my post there is a link to international centers.

 

What about taking up self defense classes, your mom too.

 

We always will be here for you.

[darkpetals]

Hi I went to a r*pe supprt center and counseling but it really did not help me.

I dont think that im going to be able to get through the semester. Hes out there screaming on the top of his lungs and all I can think about now is the attack and all the terrible things he said to me..

 

I just dont know what to do.

[nottoogreen]

First I will help you to be tough!

 

In my post (#7) in above thread are links to understanding rapist and abusers. Read those, and then we talk more.

[Cadence308]

Have you thought about transferring to another master's program away from your situation? Doesn't your academic area offer teaching or research fellowships or other scholarships? I think moving away from your current situation and seriously looking into other master's programs that offer scholarships is your best bet for getting away from your nasty ex.

[MI_Shell]

I would try ringing the police and make complaints. Explain your situation. I am so sorry to hear of your experience but really admire you for what you have achieved. It sounds to me like you have overcome so much and you will get through this too. You need strenghth and courage. I wish I could have words with this boof head I would hose him with a garden hose .

[mgirl]

If you can't do what Ballys suggested and move away, then ignore him. He is a sad human being who feels he has to demean others in order to feel good. That is shown in his behaviour to you 10 years ago and he is still carrying on with it. Don't you think it's sad that he hasn't moved on?

 

He is the one with the problem, not you, so please do not feel like you have one. You are a capable human being who is doing her Masters degree, which you really should finish by the way.

 

This is put here as a test for you to test your commitment to study. The only thing that will get you out of your situation right now is to finish your Masters degree.

 

He really can't do anything to hurt you now, there are laws against it. It is just a whole lot of hot air.

 

If i were you, i would document what he is doing, time and day. That will make you feel better and you can organise it that once you have logged him in your exercise book, he has been 'logged' and the rest is hot air.

 

By the way, have you ever tried earplugs? I lived next door to a noisy dog during my studies and used to wear them when i felt like i was going insane. They really do work, you just have to get used to the feeling of them in your ears.

 

Oh yeah, please do as nottoogreen suggested and use that resource that outlines bullies. It really will help you to understand the psychology of these people and that they are really weak underneath. He is not ruining your life, he is merely posing a challenge to you.

[mgirl]

Actually, i have just thought of something else. Go to the police station and report what he is doing. If he says anything to your face, inform him that the police have been informed of what has been doing, that you are busy, and that you need to 'go now'.

 

Do you feel physically threatened in any way?

[darkpetals]

Thanks everyone for your help and advice, I did read those articles. I would say he fits the category of the "angry" attacker. I know that he had his friends r*pe me to get revenge on me for breaking up with him when i was 11 years old. Thats how old i was when i went out with him, when i did date him he was very nice showed no anger or abuse at all,,when i was 13 i ran into him again and thought i would like to date him again, he was being nice, little did i know he had it all planned out that he would have me r*ped. When I think back i'm almost sure he wanted to kill me as well but then changed his mind last minute,

 

At the time when it happened i begged my Mom to move but she was broke and still is. I know moving would have made things better because he also destroyed my whole reputation in the neighborhood. Everyone says im a w hore who lives here.. Luckily my Mom sent me to a HS in another area where i made new friends and had a nice boyfriend for 5 years. I basically spent all my time in that area. Then i did go away to college. I am up to debt in student loans so i decided to come back home for my Masters.

 

I really cant afford to go away again. I have not spoken to this guy since I was 13. I only saw him once 6 years ago and as soon as I did i crossed the street and i dont even think he saw me..

My main problem is that this guy is friends with all of my brothers friends. My brother has no friends because of this guy... What am I supposed to tell my brother? I told him he hurt me very bad and he doesnt seem to understand. If i tell him he R*ped me i run the risk of hurting my brothers life, my whole family. And I may eveb get blamed, I really do not want to tell.

Its impossible for me to study when hes out theres talking all night, all i can think about is the attack and the abuse. I tried earplugs but their not good for me, their irritating,

I called the police to tell them hes making noise. They never came. I live in a bad area so they dont take those things seriously.

Alot of people like this guy and think hes "fun, nice, and cute" He also good friends with the cops who like him.

I think it is sad that he hasnt moved on, but honestly im more frightened of him, of what he did to me and what hes still doing.

I think its possible if he followed me and got me alone he could harm me.

I just feel completelty lost in the situation. I even went to the student advisor and told him my situation and asked him if he could get my housing at the school and he says "sorry you live to close and we cant make an exception"

 

I think the only solution is to go into more debt and move. But even if i do hes still friends with my brothers friends and i eventually have to come back to see my mom, so i never escape.

[nottoogreen]

Hi darkpetals

 

You are most welcome!

 

I encourage all rape victims to take up self defense classes.

 

He is dangerous. I think he may have a criminal record already.

 

Please consider the following.

You have the right to make a statement at any police station. Best go to headquarters. Report the rape, report his actions. Report you feel threatened. Statutes of limitations may have expired and he may have been too young at the time, but the record is important if anything goes wrong. Whenever he is noisy and abusive make a report!

 

What do you think?

[darkpetals]

Im afraid to report the rape to the police, what if my familly finds out? I told my Mom and brother hes very dangerous.

[blender]

He has no power over you, believe me, he's just a sick person, and YOU are HEALTHY enough to know that. Be proud of your survival, hold your head high, know that you will get through this, you know the "truth" about who he is, and you were a victim, you were just a child, it was NOT your fault, and for today, just breathe, relax, and know that YOU are going to survive all of this, and be able to someday help someone else... you are now more understanding, wise, and can take care of YOU.

 

He's just a spec of dirt on the open field that is your life... keep him in perspective, you will grow past all this, you are going to be okay, you will do well in school, because you are going to CHOOSE to do so... he has NO power, he just doesn't, that is why he's such a jerk...

 

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DIRECT YOUR OWN LIFE, no matter where you live, it must be so difficult to have him so close by... but he's not as close as you are letting him be... get him out of your mind by telling yourself, he's just "there" he's not controlling me, I am in control of myself now.. and I refuse to let him be a factor in my life, my schooling etc.... The real tough time is NOW, and you will get through this and look back and be proud of your own personal survival, and you will thrive....

 

I pray for you, and I'm so sorry this all happened and is happening, but you seem so strong, and you will get past this... I do think it's very important that you tell someone in authority, is there anyone whom you trust that is in your area that you can tell the whole story to? A church member, a neighborhood female cop? Anyone?

[darkpetals]

Thanks that does help me and give me strength. I will try my best to get past this.

[blender]

My dear, you will get through this, it's so tough, you will rise above all of this.. in time, and you will be a success in all areas of your life. Career, Love, Family, Friends, because you have been through so much already, it will make you a more understanding, empathetic and wise person. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to live through all of this and still be a happy, kind, loving person... you could have used this terrible incident as an excuse to become a bitter, angry, mean person, but YOU CHOSE to rise above this thus far, so keep it up... and do well in school.. do your best... we are all here for you, come here to vent anytime... best, blender

[rose2summer]

darkpetals,

 

I am so sorry to hear about what you have gone through,

 

I was raped 3 yrs ago and I can relate to what you are feeling,

 

I was terrified of reporting my rape, but I knew I had to,

 

To protect other women from this man,

 

Please do report the rape,

 

You said you are worried your family will find out,

 

I felt the same way,

 

No one has ever found out,

 

They keep rapes very controlled and not open to the public,

 

Please turn this guy in,

 

You don't need to report it in your city,

 

You can go to the local county police dept,

 

If you are worried about him having some type of connections,

 

You have been victimized,

 

Don't let this guy ruin your life,

 

Please don't, I can't let this happen, I want the best for you,

 

In terms of graduate school, as ballys suggested, move schools,

 

I can help you research that if you want,

 

I am rather familiar with graduate admissions,

 

And how to gain funding for your studies,

 

Please, please, don't let him get away with him keep hurting you,

 

This guy is really bad, he had his friends rape you,

 

That's the saddest story I have read,

 

I want to help you,

 

Please PM me and I can guide you through the process,

 

As best as I can to my knowledge,

 

Hugs!

 

Rose

[nottoogreen]

And I like to add to what Rose said that reporting it will help you to find closure.

 

I also advise you to seek counseling - it's free - Rose is doing that too.

[mgirl]

He sounds like a psycho. Hang the expense and move. Your life is worth more than a few dollars.

[Fallout]

hmm..are you close to any of your brothers/mom ? If so I think you should tell them what happened, there's no need to feel ashamed by it it wasn't your fault (I know clichee but it seems you are still in that state of mind) your family sounds like they helped you when you needed it, they might be able to keep that guy clear of you

[candy604]

will your mother and brother understand if you tell them? it's so sad to hear what happened to you but if your family is there to support you hopefully and keeping it inside is not right. Nothing is fixed or done about it.

[Gracelove]

Girl, I can totally relate!!!!

 

I was raped about 6 months ago.

 

You're ex is awful, and he sounds crazy.

If he's scaring your mother that's horrible.

 

I don't know much about law, but could you report the rape?

 

I'm assuming you don't feel safe in the area you now live in.

 

I wonder if the police could help in anyway.

 

Why does your brother hang out with them?!

 

If I were you, I'd tell my brother what he and his friends did to you!

 

I feel so sad hearing how you feel. It reminds me of how I felt when no one knew I was raped.

 

It's the most awful feeling ever.

 

Tell somebody, tell as many people as you can, it will definitely help you feel better.

 

I had to vent a lot, here on E not alone before I had the strength to tell others.

 

I really really feel for you. Do you think your strong enough to tell somebody right now???

 

I can tell you that things do get better.

They are hard though, awfully hard. I'm still not in great condition, but I'm better off than I was before I told.

 

That's so horrible!

 

I know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you trust.

 

I've forgotten a lot of the horrible emotions I used to feel right after the rape.

 

If you tell maybe you can start to forget too.

I don't know if "forget" is the best term.

But you go from living in agony everyday, to just existing.

 

Just existing is MUCH better than living in agony, I promise.

 

It'll be okay, I'm here for you.

 

I can't study either, and I know how much it sucks.

 

Sometimes I just have fits you know.

 

I lie in bed, I can't stay still, I have this horrible feeling.

I think of the fact that my rapist was inside of me.

 

And I feel like I just have to get him out.

I need to get him out. But I don't know how, because he's not there anymore anyways.

And I just feel like he's inside of me and I can't get rid of him.

And I want someone to make him go away, get him out of me ya know.

 

It's crazy, but that's life.

 

It's better than it used to be.

I only get like that every couple of weeks.

 

I know how unbelivably hard it is to do something.

Sometimes you don't even know what to do.

 

Does your mother have any sort of insurance?

 

I think you need counseling, you may even need medicine.

 

I'm on medicine now.

 

It sucks at first but it does help.

 

Anyways, girl, I'm here for you.

 

Are you able to hold a job?

If not, I completely understand.

 

Do you have family that lives elsewhere?

I know how hard it can be to ask someone else if you can live with them.

 

Do you feel safe at all?

I know safety is a huge issue after rape.

 

Where did you attend school previously?

 

Why don't you get your Master's there as well?

 

Hang in there.

PM me if you want to talk.

 

I don't always feel like I have much to offer, or much to say, but I'll definitely be here to listen.

 

And I'll try my hardest to respond in a timely fashion.

 

~Grace

[darkpetals]

I'm sorry Grace and Rose for what happened to you. Thanks for the help but I really dont think I can come out and tell my brother and my Mom what really happened. My Mother is not that young and in the greatest health and i know if she knows she could possibly get sick from it. Theres alot to consider here.

 

I have already told them both that he physically assaulted and beat me. and verbally abused me. I just cant tell my brother he raped me with his friends. After i told him he beat me he said later on "well who told you to go out with him"? he just didnt talk about it with me. neither did my Mom, if they asked questions like "well what did he do", "how did he beat you" maybe i would open up more but not like this........They may not be accepting. They just basically said nothing..

 

My mother told me some time ago "your brother has no friends because of you" and also i heard my brother complaining about how he has no friends.

I really didnt excpect that kind of reaction after telling him this guy physically beat me so why should i bother saying he raped me?

 

When i was 11 a man followed me in my building and pulled his pants down and asked me to play with him. I didnt and he left. I did tell my Mom,, she didnt report it and she wasnt overconcerned and she had me coming home the next day by myself. and anytime a girl gets raped in the media she makes comments like "well why was she there with those guys, she deserved it" So you see my caution in telling them about this.

 

I dont think i can report it to the police because it happened 10 years ago... Actually i told my college counselor about it 5 years ago and she didnt even advise me to report it. She was really bad and was no help to me at all.

 

I work but the reason why i moved back is because im in debt right now. I have not talked to him since i was 13 and i havent seen him in 6 years. I just thought hed be gone.

My brothers friends like him ALOT, they think hes fun and nice. Im sure he told them he raped me too and no one has even told my brother. hes bragged about it to alot of people.

 

I plan on moving but that doesnt change anything because my family cant move, they dont have money so their stuck there so i never escape him even if i do move. I still have to worry. We have no family to ask for help,,, my father was mentally and physically sick and eventually died and went broke which left us in this situation, their very wealthy people who will not help us at all.

I may go for some other type of counseling because i feel terrible everyday now.

Im thinking of calling my ex from HS, nice guy and maybe getting back together with him.

[NKP]

If i was you tell the cops, dont let him get away with this and get a restaining order against him so hes not aloud anywhere near you.

I do know what it is like to be raped, i have been raped twice, from my brother witch he did all the time for about 1 year or two, and by someone i dont even know

[southerngirl]

I was raped.. One week after my 14th birthday.

 

Id gone to the football game with a friend.

 

We had went with some seniors we thought we were so cool, left in their truck just to 'ride around'

 

They took us to an apartment... some of them were smoking pot.

 

I started to feel uncomfortable.

 

3 of them took me into a room and raped me.

 

I tried to stay off this thread and the other current threads about rape because this isnt something I talk about often.

 

I didnt tell my mother either, it ate away at me for years.

 

I admire you that you have been able to continue your education and not let this ruin your life.

 

But you need to tell your mother even if she is unsupporttive.

 

I finally told my mom close to 4 years later.

 

She was in shock, she swore up and down I should have told her when it happened.

 

Why didnt I tell her? Because she'd not been emotionally supportive of me.

 

I came home late that night so long ago.. I was missing my new jacket too.

 

Id got my jacket for my birthday..

 

She beat me up.. because I was late and had lost my new jacket.

 

I never told her at that time that it was missing because it had been

ripped off of me and away from me along with my virginity.

 

I do know how you feel, oh more than you can guess.

 

I had to go to highschool with that rapist... he taunted me, made fun of me, it was humiliating...

 

I didnt even start to heal from this until I started telling people..

 

I told anyone who would listen, I kept telling. Im in counseling now, in fact I just started, my mother is dead now, dont wait that long... Its been 14 years for me, its time to start healing..

 

 

There... now anyone reading this knows more about me than most people. I hope it helps you somehow.

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh!!!!

I can't believe your mother and brother.

I really feel for you. In times like this you really need your family and friends you know.

I could cry right now listening to your situation. Fair warning though, I'm a little emotional right now about the whole rape thing.

I can't believe their responses to you?! It's unbelivable (spelling?)!

Do you ever think that your mom has been raped in the past and blames herself?

And her reaction after that incident with the man in the bathroom?!

I don't know what to say.

I see nothing wrong with reporting the rape. It's apart of the healing process I think. I feel much better after reporting the rape.

I don't expect much to come of it, although something may come of it. I just needed to do it for me.

I don't know what to tell you. If my family and my boyfriend weren't supportive, I don't know if I wouldn't have been able to report it.

I do believe in Jesus, so I believe that he's a major reason I was able to come forth and report the rape as well.

I can just imagine how you feel.

I had so much fear regarding reporting the rape.

I didn't want to be ripped to shreads by a defense attorney.

I didn't want to be attacked again. I didn't want to be hurt anymore than I already was.

I couldn't take it.

Move at your own pace, k.

When you have the strength to report the rape, and you want to, then you should do it.

Call the rape crisis center. They'll help you. They are really supportive.

If you get an insensitive person (I did once), then hang up and call again.

But everyone else I've spoken with is sooooooo sweet.

They listen to you while you talk, and they are caring and supportive.

Call when you can, I had to call today.

Hang in there, k. I'm hanging in there with you, it's sooo hard sometimes.

I know that you're in debt right now, are you unable to live else where? Or do you just want to avoid more debt?

Moveout, if at all possible (although sometimes it isn't). Take care of yourself, no one else well.

So many people in America are in debt, you do what you can to survive.

You can always pay off a debt, but I don't know that you can always regain sanity.

I know how it is to feel terrible EVERY day. Soon you feel terrible less frequently.

But speak up for yourself. That's the only way you'll start to feel better you know.

When you lay it all on the line, whether you feel ashamed or not.

Your mother and brother...tell them when you aren't living with them. I'm afraid that they may try to make you feel ashamed. They may try to convince you that it was your fault.

You can't trust them.

If you can, move elsewhere and call and tell them.

Then don't pick up your phone or listen to any messages from them until you're ready to handle whatever negativity they may bring your way.

I wouldn't be too concerned about telling your mother and endangering her health.

It sounds like she doesn't take rape seriously anyways. I bet she'll just blame you.

And if that's the case she certainly won't get stressed enough to become more ill.

And if she wants to ask questions...you don't have to answer them. You don't owe anyone anything, you are the one that has to wake up each and every day in this nightmare, no one else.

Scream if you have to. Sometimes you just have to scream. Just get it out.

Tell someone what happened to you, whether they want to hear it or not.

Sometimes you have to do that, just to get a little piece.

It'll be okay, the words won't hurt you.

You were raped, and it sucks, but you won't die from telling people.

You deserve to speak, not suffer in silence.

It's not fair to suffer in silence, it make things that much more intolerable (spelling?)