Two wrongs... can i trust her, or am i phsyco

[thorak]

Wow... ok dont even know where to begin honestly here... I guess you can check some of my posts from back in jan / feb of this year for some more background.

 

Point is me and my ex are back together - have been for 4 months and for the most part it has been wonderfull - better than it was for the last few years of our previous 8 year relationship.... but now its all gone to crap in a handbag.

 

During our seperation she met a man (who she claims was her friend for the first couple months after our seperation and then sometime in the 2nd or 3rd month they became a couple - which was supposedly never her plan... I originally thought she hooked up with him immediately). She left him to come back to me and was clear about this! But went from him to me within about a weeks time.

 

She had rules going into the new relationship (no hand holding for first month, no kissing for second month, no sex, etc). I had one rule... no communicating with this man cause i felt really jealous and insecure about there 3 month relationship and almost 6 month connection. I never said forever either... i needed several months of JUST US and not involving this interem person. She said she didnt like that restriction and I didnt have a right to ask that as she would never ask that of me. Needless to say I wasnt willing to start the new relationship without that need being met... i dont remember her answer after this lengthy debate but I took it as she would stop.... but it was unclear at the same time.... something like "well if thats what you need then thats your decision".

 

So things go on... we start dating again... i ask her at least weekly if she is touch with this guy and she keeps saying "no". I have sneeking suspicions she is lying so i check her cell phone a couple times over a week... find she is calling him and he is calling her. I get mad... tell her im not happy about it at all and that I needed that concession from her to concentrate on us and find trust and security in the new relationship. She rages about me invading her privacy and how i have no rights.... conversation ends there.... we go on.

 

Another month goes by... me of course asking if she is talking to him still and her saying now... me asking her if she is lying again and her saying no... So i start checking her phone again whenever i can... find that she is calling him and he is calling her at odd hours like 1am and stuff. So once again I confront her.. big argument about it... i say that im done with this crap and im leaving, i feel betrayed and lack trust... thanks for the good times, have a good life kinda thing. She talks me out of leaving her saying she had a lengthy conversation with chris the night before saying how she couldnt talk with him anymore cause it was upseting me. I agree to this and tell her that that was the last straw... next time im gone for sure. To make my point clear I even take the liberty of sending this guy an email expressing our conversation and her reasurance to me that the two of them had a conversation in regards to ending there supposed friendship (as thats all they both claim it is now). He emails me back with some harsh words... but non the less confirming that they had that conversation and that he would hold up to his end of the deal and stop communication (as "childish, selfish and immature" as my request is were his words).

 

Time goes on... I dont check her phone anymore cause I believe they stoped talking late at night behind my back. But I continualy ask her if she has called him, texted him, him calling her (being clear on ALL the combinations so she cant use the excuse of "no i didnt call him... he called me" kinda thing)... everytime she would say no.. hadnt heard from him at all...

 

Then I have to help my girlfriend move... and i notice her phone bill in one of the boxes... it had now been about a month since this last blowup and promise of no communication. Needless to say I stole the phone bill that was sitting right in front of me... couldnt help it... just such a strong urge as it had been a month of not checking up on her cell... was i shocked at what I saw. It took only 1 week before she was calling him again and it was right when I left town for 3 days... they talked everyday that I was gone... and almost every second day for the entire month (minus that one week break after our blowup). Always late at night it seems... and text messages that go on at like 2-3am.

 

So I kinda let it go... thinking that by me trying to pin her in a corner with a question i might get the truth... but always it was just "no we arent talking anymore". So I decide to let it all go... it eats at me everyday... she obviously doesnt care for or respect my feelings but I try and find trust in the fact that she isnt doing anything like sleeping with this person.... despite the fact that she wont be intimate with me in any sense (not even aloud a decent makout session).

 

A few days later she called me and asked if I took her phone bill. I of course lied cause I was quite upset and also was scared... she questioned me several times if i was lying... and well... I continued my lie.

 

another 3 weeks pass... me not trusting, but keeping my mouth shut... hoping the pain will go away... but say nothing as we are about to embark on a 3 week trip together and I dont want to set a bad tone to the trip we were planning on for close to two months.

 

We get back from our trip and I decide to make a phone call to a girl i spent 1 week with in the UK during our seperation. During this 3.5 months with my (ex)girlfriend and trying to work things out I must admit I did send 4 emails (1 a month... all short) to this girl in the UK just saying hello and telling her about me and the girlfriend. To be clear... me and the girl in the UK did have sex once after a drunken night out. Anyways... my girlfriend calls during this phone call and i dont answer cause at $1.20 a minute and over 4 months of not talking in person i wasnt going to hang up. When i called my girlfriend back about an hour later she asked why I didnt answer and I told her I was talking to this girl in the UK and she blew up on me in pure rage and slander. She called me a hypocrit for asking her not to speak to her ex... i tried to tell her it wasnt the same... we never dated, she never asked me to stop talking to people, i also waited almost 4 months before i made any real form of contact with this person etc..... but she cant seem to find the difference. And continually compares me to this girl and her to this other guy!

 

Here is where it gets bad though... I did something really really stupid. I created a false PI report that I gave to her showing her how often she spoke and texted this interem guy that I repeatidly asked her to cease cause of the lack of trust and security it caused me and all the times she lied to me. I did this to cover the fact that I stole her phone bill and lied to her about.... stupid... dont get me going on that one.... i feel guilty enough. She knows it fake... and I have admited now to taking her phone bill and creating a bigger lie to cover my first lie.

 

Anyways... we are now at a powerstruggle... cause we want to make this relationship work but I cant trust her at all regarding this other guy i dont feel... and she doesnt trust me not to invade her privacy (which i feel i had the right to do based on the circumstances... but she feels quite differently). She also feels that, and i qoute her, she "didnt owe me anything" and as such was not about to kick this guy out of her life just for me cause i felt insecure... where is the respect in that!! She claims that she was lying to me cause she didnt want me to get mad or upset!! * * *??!!! I have appologized for my actions... but it doesnt seem to mean anything to her... and she doesnt feel she has the need to really appologize to me for her actions.... She wants to work through this, as do I, but also said I am a little phsyco and should get some professional help.

 

I dont know what im looking for here.,... just feedback... was i justified in looking at her phone? did I have any right to ask her to stop speaking with this man? does she have the right to not appologize to me for sneaking around behind my back and talking to this guy despite my feelings on it all? are we just cursed?!?!

 

I know alot of my feelings on not wanting them to talk were because of jealousy... and alot to do with insecurity. She seems to have had had a very healthy sex life with this other person from her comments and yet she wouldnt have sex with me until almost the 4th month of dating again.... and our previous relationship had serious issues in this department as well.... she never wanted to be intimate with me for years..... there are far more issues than this... as there is apt to be after 8yrs together... but some extra clarity for all you readers!

[tylercdurden2004]

I read the first part only.

 

Dump her. You cannot trust her and she is not making a serious effort here.

[thorak]

It is long i know... sorry... but i had to sum up 4 months.... and im not that good at summation!

[tylercdurden2004]

Yeah all I can say is from what you have written in the first few paragraphs that she has one foot in and one foot out the door, if even that. She probably knew this guy before and somethign was going on not necessarily physical. She didnt keep her promise. And do not under any circumstances listen to what her friends have to say. They are not part of the relationship and may have ulterior motives.

 

Again I think you are better off dumping this girl.

[craving_normalcy]

Long story (very!) - but in the end...you need to get away from this girl. She doesn't respect you, doesn't want to make this work, and is making you miserable.

[DN]

I don't condone snooping but you did anyway and found out she continually lies and has no respect for you.

 

I concur with tyler. Let her go.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Thorak-

 

I can't say that i would trust her either and I agree with Tyler she isn't putting much of an effort.

 

If i were you i would have been hurt that she said she had a very healthy sex life with this guy but doesn't want to be intimate with you. Which is something I don't fully understand?

 

I'm sorry you are going through so much with her and you are hurting- but IMO you should move on.

[Shadows Light]

OKEY DOKEY... I made it through the whole epic... do I get a cookie please??

 

You did't mention why you broke up in the 1st place... or at least I do not recall what the issue or issues were.

 

Was it infidelity????

 

You guys are just dating... and this is the time when you are scoping each other out for a possible future together. If you are having these kinds of relationship issues now.... what the heck are you gonna do when life gets real. And it does get real.... you will be put to the test more times than not.

 

TRUST... is the cornerstone of any good relationship. You do not have that. I don't think you need to do the "blame game here" ... I think you both need to walk away. Shake hands.. good game.. and be good sports about it. Maybe give yourselves room to grow and room to figure out just what it is.. you both want in a relationship and how you want it to operate.

 

Getting lied to... yep.. I hate it. Who doesn't. I've been lied to... and I used to get upet at my "x" for it. Now and days.. when I'm lied to and I figure it out.. I laugh about it. And I keep on walking the path I'm walking. It isn't worth the stress... let it go.

[BornToResist]

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” - Sir Walter Scott

 

From what it sounds like, this has become more than a little jealousy or insecurity. It has become a game now...which unfortunately neither one of you will win.

 

You don't trust her, she doesn't trust you, you both are hurting each other while trying to protect yourselves.

[thorak]

Infedlity was a big part of it... and after 8yrs together, 6 of it engaged she wouldnt even have a 5 min conversation with me regarding marriage or setting a date or anything of the like... those were the two big ones for me anyways and why i called it off with her!

[Rabican]

Ill try to be brief.

 

Your girl has the right to be friends with whoever she wants. However, you have the right to be with whoever you want. And if you choose to be with someone who DOES NOT keep close contact with a former lover, that is perfectly understandable. Some people are more easy going with this stuff, some are not. I for one, and not. If my girl was continually calling an ex at 2 am... Id just say fuggit and move on.

 

Your girl is lying to you constantly... that is not a good sign. She is showing a lack of respect to you, and your relationship by continuing this friendship (if thats all it is) when she knows you are not ok with it. She is even farther kicking you in the * * * by lying to you about it REPEATEDLY. If she is going to talk to the guy, she should at least tell you thats the way it will be, and then let you decide if you want to carry on with the relationship or not. The lying obviously raises the question, what else will she lie about?

 

Snooping just to snoop is not a good thing, and I would not condone it. However in your case you had reason to do it and I would say it was justified. However after like the 9th time she lied to you i dont know what else you were hoping to find. Maybe proof that she really was cheating and not just lying? I dunno, but at that point Id have just moved on.

 

It sounds like you two just do not have the same regards, and expectations for your relationship. YOu want commitment, she wants to keep her option(s) open with this other man while she is with you. Plus you have now begun lying to her, to help deal with her lying to you... its really time to just call it quits man and find a relationship without all the drama. Ya never know, maybe she will fix up her act and you can give it a chance later. I think right now you are just playing the theoretical doormat because you are time and again putting up with the same thing you said you wouldnt put up with.

[tylercdurden2004]

A good healthy woman does not in my experience need to "keep" a "friend" around. A friend that you meet and hang out with along with her is one thing. I would be very suspect of any girl who wouldnt bring me along. Not that I need to go along everytime but if she is hanging out exclusively with another man, then no. Exclusivity is for SO in my opinion.

 

In my experiences both personal and from other people this is a way to keep the options open and you at bay especially if they are unsure about putting all there eggs in one basket.

[Lost Vanessa]

wow... ok... that was a little longer than I would have chose to read. But I made it through!

 

First of all I have to say that I have been in both of your positions before (the 'snooper' and the 'snooped') so I can feel both sides of this story to some sense. It doesnt feel good to get snooped on by any means. But if there is just cause then being angry for being snooped on is the least of the emotions the person should be feeling. Guilt and Shame should be foremost!

 

Let me also say that looking at a phone or emails is one thing. You did take it to a new level though by covering your lie with another lie that would frighten anyone, ie that of have a PI report on them (real or not).

 

You were however justified, in my mind, to go snooping as she clearly didnt have the respect and honesty to tell you the truth regarding something you were VERY clear about from the VERY beginning that you couldnt handle. And everytime you caught her in the lie and confronted her she lied even more!

 

The question that would haunt me is what else has she lied about regarding this guy or any other guy, both in this case and in the future. I dont know that I could find it in me to forgive that. Lies are one thing, but lies regarding someone of the opposit sex are even more frightening and a GIANT red flag! I know I couldnt live with that thought and I also know I would not remain in a relationship that is haunted by such thoughts.

 

I think you both need to move on in life as she obviously doesnt value you as a person enough and you clearly cannot trust her anymore and have resorted to your own game to compensate. I think you should have stuck to your word and just left her after the 3rd or 4th time you caught her in her lie - did you really expect her to change her ways?!

 

To be honest I must say again (from reading your other post as well) that in my opinion you had every right to check her phone and phone bills based on the information you had and kept finding - you cant trust her word at all and liars like this are also known to be cheaters! And though I think you have taken this to far yourself, It was she who chose to make the biggest mistake of them all by betraying you and knowing full well how it affected you - where is the love in that?!

[Lost Vanessa]

Just another thought! She could have chose to build the trust and security you needed by now if she had proven to you that she was respecting your feelings and wasnt talking to this person behind your back instead of making it ten times worse like it is now! In time would you have found the respect in turn for her and let this person into her life as a friend if she was clear with you that she needed that for herself?

 

You cant always have your cake and eat it too - she wanted the best of both worlds and was willing to hurt you to get that! I dont know, just a thought!

[lovemeorleaveme00]

i just found this old thread..Im wondering how it ended..where is thorak?I hope he's ok!

[nevetsk]

I can relate check out my thread

[MasterSecrets]

i read it all *proud* lol

 

My reaction would have been far more severe than yours i have to admit.

 

the relationship would be long buried.