My girlfriend is almost 21 and cries a lot

[Double J]

Hello everyone,

 

My g/f's birthday is in a few days. I love her deeply and that is why I'm coming to this forum for answers. For some reason, anytime my girlfriend becomes disappointed or angry, she cries. Sometimes the situation may warrant that type of reaction, but other times she cries over minor things just because things don't necessarily go her way.

 

I'd like to know why a girl who is almost 21 might do this. Is it because she still has a childish, immature side to her? Do you think she lacked comfort and guidance from family members when she confronted these situations at a younger age? Or could she just be extremely sensitive?

I know you guys can't give any clear-cut answers but maybe some of the females on the forum can relate or share experiences.

 

Thanks.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Crying isn't bad. It's a valid, healthy coping skill. Unless she's doing it to provoke a reaction from other people...

[laboheme]

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this...but once I was in a caring, loving relationship, I found that I became a lot more emotional, and unfortunately that manifested itself in me crying a lot more than I used to.

 

Basically, for most of my life, I saw crying as a sign of weakness...My parents always told me that tears are useless, etc. I was always the cool-headed, reasonable one in my group of friends, so I couldn't allow myself to cry on their shoulders if something was wrong. But in the relationship, when I cried for the first time, I wasn't criticized for it...so I allowed myself to cry again...Plus, there were those tears of happiness that I had never known before...Basically, by unlocking things like love, trust, honesty, etc. the relationship made me into a crybaby. I cry at movies now, and never used to...

 

It's tough to deal with this...you have to kind of think like a parent, I guess, dealing with an upset child. There's a fine line between being comforting and letting them be a brat. You say that she cries when she's disappointed or angry. Maybe she knows that in trying to comfort her, you'll satisfy her every whim?

[itsallgrand]

There all sorts of reasons she might do this. Other than the ones already mentioned, there is the fact that many girls learn early that crying=getting your way. Some don't give up this position easily.

 

Sheesh, I know a woman in his early 30's who still starts crying when she is denied something, when she is upset, or to get out of situations.

She cried to a cop when she got a ticket - and he let her get away without the fine!

So, it often works.

 

See, crying makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and a lot of men will take pity on a girl (manipulated) to get her to stop crying. So maybe this behavior has worked for her overall: with her parents, with family, with anyone in general.

 

Other than that, it could be hormones. Sometimes hormones go wacky and we find ourselves crying over silly things. It's ok, and frustrating when this happens too. (to feel so emotional like that).

 

It could be that she has a lot of bottled emotions and feels safe to express them in front of you, so she needs some good cries. Or that she doesn't know how to express her needs - so she easily gets frustrated and cries. Some people get mad, some cry, some shrug it off...who knows really.

 

If this is becoming a problem, where you are starting to feel like she is attempting to manipulate you or situations, try talking to her about it when she isn't upset. Then, when the waterworks start: don't buy into the behavior.

I mean, don't console her or even pay attention to the tears in these cases. Just carry on and speak to her as though she were her usual non-upset self.

It can work. (I use this technique all the time at work. It's quite similiar to what one does with a child, sorry to say, when they have a tantrum.)

 

cheers

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd say, if she cries excessively, she may have a bit of depression going on. I cry often, and did it twice a day for a few months earlier this year. I was very down. What else is going on in her life?

[Managor]

I'd go with that a lot of people are just a lot more emotional, or have been brought up to be a lot more emotional than others. I think it's very wrong to associate crying with something like immaturity.

[DN]

If she is not doing it to get her own way then be as supportive as you can but if, as itsallgrand says, it's to be manipulative then don't let her get away with it.

[annie24]

I agree with DN - is she being manipulative, or just teary? On one hand, it can be good that she is releasing her feelings out by crying - that can help you get over something faster than by just bottling it up... but I hope she is not crying in front of you to get what she wants.

[valiantv]

My parents always told me that tears are useless

Not so! Our brains can contain chemicals that make us depressed or happy... (Seratonin, Dopamine are some of the happy ones - not sure about the depressing ones). Tears carry some of the depressing chemicals out of our bodies...

 

Do you think she lacked comfort and guidance from family members when she confronted these situations at a younger age?

Sounds to me like she got too much comfort and guidance from family members... But as the posters above said, figure out if she is being manipulative or if she is really genuine.

[Momene]

I'd say it's manipulation or depression, too.

[eleanorrigby1]

Be careful with this one, I was told crying was mardy that it was a sign of weakness, I was brought up so strongly that I found it extremely hard to cry around people. My boyfriend was the opposite, he was healthy in that he would cry whenever something upset him, and his ex girlfriend once said to him "I am scared to say anything to you incase you bl**dy burst into tears!!" in effect she made him feel ashamed and stupid and now, years later, in a relationship with me, I have never seen him cry.

 

I think it is a terrible shame that she took that away from him, I am becoming a lot more emotional studying to be a counsellor and also because I am in a loving relationship and my insecurities seep out on occasion.

 

Crying if genuine is completely healthy, at any age.