I didn't think it was possible to love 2 men at once

[bellamelle]

I really need valuable insight into my relationship

issue, and I'm afraid now - that I feel more unsettled

about it than ever before.

 

I'm am totally IN LOVE with one man, while I still

love my boyfriend of 3 years. I can't seem to figure

out who is the "best" man for me. The man i'm in love

with is exciting, TOTALLY into me, passionate, fun,

social, witty, and just makes my heart race. I have

been intimate with him, but not "all the way". The

3-year boyfriend feels more like a father figure to

me, stable, secure, smart and makes me feel safe. I

love him deeply - but i have a hard time sometimes

being myself around him, and there hasn't been any

sexual relations with him for 2 months now. The fact

that there is another man while i'm in a serious

relationship with my boyfriend is making my guilt

unbearable.

 

I don't know if it's because the situation with the

other guy is so new and exciting, and that's why i

feel so strongly about him (what would HE be like in 3

years?) or if he's the real deal - and this feeling

won't go away?

 

I should mention that the IN LOVE guy knows all about

the 3-year guy, but the 3-year guy know's nothing

about the other, and both of them want to get married

(to me) within the year.

 

what do i do. How can I look further into this

situation to choose the best outcome for me for a

lifetime...is there an exercise? a test? a survey of

some sort? regardless of the outcome, one of the men i

love dearly will be hurt - that this is what is

hurting me most of all.

 

I understand that I am cheating, and I never intended for this to happen.

My current b-friend was (and somewhat is) so unavailable to me. I've had conversations with him about my concern in our relationship. I barely see him once a week, and that one time is usually late at night and we go to bed anyway. The new guy showers me with TONS of attention, affection, compliments...he is so adorable and we talk about everything. I can't talk to him about things i wouldn't feel comfortable with saying to my 3-year.

 

On paper, my 3-year relationship is probably the best. But, from a "soul mate" standpoint - the newer guy seems more right. I still don't know if it's because he's "new", this is exciting - or i'm just falling for all the attention he gives me.

 

OH I AM SO LOST!

I just want to run away from this!

help?

[Beec]

You need to pick, now if not sooner. It's not fair to either man,esp. not the guy who thinks he is your boyfriend to let this continue. Choose. And live with your choice. I don't think anyone else can tell you how to choose. Pick which man fulfills your needs. But you must.

 

Personally, I think you should let the guy who has been faithful for three years go free and get away from your cheating behind. Most especially because you seem to look at him as provider and not a lover. A man is not a wallet and a bank account. He deserves to be treated better.

[RayKay]

I agree with Beec.

 

Sorry, I am not going to give you any pity for your situation to be honest...you put yourself into it.

 

I think you just need to make a choice, and stick to it. What you are doing is absolutely horrible to your boyfriend, and I don't buy the "we have not had sex in 2 months"...well of course not because emotionally you have already checked out...he probably suspects it too.

 

Alright, so he is not as "available"....but then if you were miserable, you should of let him go so he could be with someone whom was respectful and did admire him.

 

Just be wary, that exciting and romantic is a pretty common trait early on in a relationship...most men and women can be that way. However it is much harder to find stable, secure, faithful, committed.....and given this second guy was willing to ruin a relationship and steal another man's partner already shows he is probably not all he seems to be.

 

But I still think you need to come clean with your boyfriend and let him go...he deserves better.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Have you ever fought with this new man? Taken care of him while he was sick? Had him do the same for you? Had money problems with him? Of course not. It's new and it's a fantasy. He SEEMS so much better because you haven't yet experienced the negative side of a relationship with him.. You've only had the candy sweet portion. OF COURSE he's going to seem like the better choice.

 

You and your boyfriend are past the honeymoon phase (which is where you are with this new guy), so naturally he seems less desirable than this new guy. In about 3 years... this new guy will seem just like your current boyfriend too if you choose him.

 

And choose you should.

 

Personally, I'd stick with the guy who's been faithful to you as opposed to the guy who doesn't seem to have much problem with cheating since he's helping you with your infidelity. (Quality guy BTW /sarcasm off) This new guys ACTIONS are speaking out to you. He's trying to steal you away from your boyfriend, what happens when he gets bored with you?

 

Cut off contact with this guy completely and try to rekindle what you've already damaged with your current boyfriend. It's not too late to save things if you want too. You absolutely must cut off contact with this man though. And be honest with your current BF about what has been going on... Why make things worse by continuing the lying? Let him make his own choice about you.

[DN]

I agree with everyone's advice. And it is ironic that lonelyinasmalltown should have as her signature something that exactly applies to your boyfriend - it's a shame he can't read it.

Never make someone a priority.... When they only make you an option

[Beec]

ONe other thing, you don't really know what love is, because what you are doing is not love. You are not acting in the best itnerests of your boyfriend, and love requires you to do that. Be fair to him, love him by letting him be free and do him a favor and tell him it's because you are cheating.

[bellamelle]

wow. Thanks all. Your comments are helpful and make me feel crappy, too.

 

I want to comment on how I got to this situation (more downs than ups with boyfriend & I rejected the "new" guy for a long time) but i'm not...because I guess it all comes down to the fact that i'm a cheater. Never thought i'd do it.

I've been cheated on...and i know how it feels - but I also know exactly how someone can cheat - and it's because they are very unhappy and unstable in thier current relationship - and that is how i am with my boyfriend.

Trust me, i've told him of my unhappiness, and my concerns about our relationship failing - and things have gotten slightly better, but not entirely.

 

I guess i feel like he's not the person to give me what I need, as compared to this other guy.

 

Being a great provider is awesome. the 3-year is a good friend, sometimes a lover, and sensitive and caring. But - when i can't sit next to him and talk to him and be silly around him (i never could) because he ignores it, or changes the subject about things i'd like to discuss - i'm not sure i want to be in a lifetime commitment with him. I don't know if that could change.

 

i also don't know that i could tell him about this other. Perhaps the other is filling a void, I don't know.

 

or maybe, i just need to look at my 3-year in a new light and quit my job, where i work with the other.

 

My mother always told me not to tie myself up with one man. I should be free to date around until i'm engaged and married. My sister was "stolen" from her boyfriend of 7-years by her now husband and says "I'm so happy he was so persistent, or I would have married someone who isn't right for me"

[NJRon]

At this point I don't think it really matters how this came about. You should probably do yourself a favor and dump them both and spend some time alone, figuring yourself out so that, in the future, you won't go through this again.

 

You need to let your 3-year-man go so he can be with someone who actually loves him. You are clinging to him for the security. But, he's obviously not meeting some of your needs or this situation wouldn't have happened in the first place.

 

As for the other guy, I would drop him also. Who wants to be with someone that openly advocates cheating?

 

And being free to date around until you are engaged is a little tough. Do you really expect someone to ask you to marry them if you can't even commit to a monogamous relationship?

[RayKay]

And being free to date around until you are engaged is a little tough. Do you really expect someone to ask you to marry them if you can't even commit to a monogamous relationship?

So agree with that!

 

I would NEVER accept an engagement from someone whom was openly dating around before that, nor would I expect someone to ask me to get married if I was dating around.

 

How do you build enough of a bond and commitment with someone to get to the point of deciding to get married, if you don't become exclusive before?

 

That is just some odd logic there. Even if they did ask, I suspect it would be more to "win" than because they genuinely wanted to be with you, or because you had the right stuff as a couple to make it work.

 

And, if you really do feel that way, then you should be OPEN about fact you are dating others...not be cheating and not telling everyone involved what they are getting into.

 

Alright, so your boyfriend (the 3-year one) is not all you need in a partner, then leave before starting something. If you are unhappy you can either work on it, or move on. And find out if your happiness is due to the relationship...or something inside yourself.

 

You will never appreciate what you have, or work on what you have in a commitment, if you are always trying to find someone else to fill the void, or are trying to pick and choose qualities from several men. No one is perfect, but someone can still be perfect for you.

 

I suspect you need to do some working on yourself though, and leave BOTH these relationships for now.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

My mother always told me not to tie myself up with one man. I should be free to date around until i'm engaged and married. My sister was "stolen" from her boyfriend of 7-years by her now husband and says "I'm so happy he was so persistent, or I would have married someone who isn't right for me"

 

 

Like the others, this statement kind of raised an eyebrow. Personally I think your sister found her husband DESPITE this rule instead of it, rules like that are sort of how players live if you know what I mean. They always have something on the side. I know I would never ask a woman to marry me who couldn't at least commit to me. Heck, it wouldn't even get close to a proposal if I couldn't get a commitment.

 

Dating multiple people is fine, don't get me wrong. But when you find someone special, you commit to them if they'll commit to you. Then you stick with it. You don't go around "looking for something better". Especially if whoever that "someone better" is knows you're in a committed relationship. Just means that they have no problem with looking for "someone better" when you're with them. Know what I mean?

[candy604]

PICK or walk away from both men. firstly, you need to stop cheating. Just break up with your bf and go single for a while and date guys.

 

All relationships have a honeymoon stage. then after the fun can die out. I know how you feel about not feeling that itimate etc..just boring relationship ( almost 3 years with my bf too..seems like the 3 year mark is hard for alot of couples!), but maybe you need to get out and do fun activities with your bf.

[Aschleigh]

I think the first thing to do is be really honest with yourself and both men. The 3 year guy should be informed of al that is going on with you.

Tell him everything you told us. Also tell the new guy about your conflcit and feelings for your boyfriend. Unless and until everything is all out on the table, nobody can make an informed decison about what they need to do.

So, no more secrets. Do you want this dishonesty to continue with the boyfriend or overshadow your new relationship?

Come clean with everyone involved.

[Steel72]

I am going throgh a situation so similar with one of my friends...the choice between the 2 seems simple to me, she can't leave the new guy alone yet she runs home to her husband every night. Not to sleep with him but just becuase he is there, she is actually sleeping on the couch come nights. It just seems to me is to take a step back and get some time alone, away from both. That is the only way to see who you really want to be with, if any. It is unfair to the old and new guy nevermind yourself.

[bellamelle]

If you read some of my past posts (from awhile back, about other issues) you will see why the relationship with my 3-yr is has been problemsome.

 

our communication SUCKS. As much as i would like to tell him anything and everything on my mind -i simply cannot. And it's because of the vibe i get from him if i do. it's either a look like "that is a stupid thing to talk about" or no response at all!

He's been training for an Ironman triathlon. he has been for most of the time we've been in a relationship. One big marathon or triathlon after another. It takes up a lot of his time. So, between his work, training, sleeping, eating - i barely see him once a week. when i do, he's tired, or complaining about one ache or pain after another.

True- he is good to me, buys me things, takes me on trips...but to me, that stuff if fluff and i would much rather have his love and attention. I've given my fair share of it, but with not much response i've backed off quite a bit and found that i've opened my heart up to another person. You wouldn't believe that i've cried and cry about how i'm hurting my 3-year and he doesn't even know it! i can't tell him either. I wish the r'ship to just fizzle out. He doesn't call me much, and he cancelled my birthday dinner he said he'd take me out on because he had to train. i mean, c'mon. Give up your fricken training for one night and take your girlfriend out, the one you're intending on marrying, the girl who SHOULD be your priority.

 

sorry...little resentment.

 

geez, i hope no one i know is reading this. the cat would be out of the bag then!

[NJRon]

Your major need from a partner is quality time together. You should make that need known to your current partner. If he can't give it to you, then you shoudl find someone who can, otherwise you will be in the same position you are now.

 

Regardless... you should still spend some time with NO one. Aside from the implications for your 3-year, doing what you are doing right now is causing you emotional damage. You will not be able to heal if you flip into a new relationship. Also, this otehr guy is encouraging you to cheat. That is not a trait of good character and can be a fatal flaw for a relationship. At least the guy you are with now sounds like he has some really strong character, even if he is having difficulty showing you love the way you want to be shown.

[melrich]

I should be free to date around until i'm engaged and married. My sister was "stolen" from her boyfriend of 7-years by her now husband and says "I'm so happy he was so persistent, or I would have married someone who isn't right for me"

 

Your family has some very strange values.

 

Anyway to your problem. You keep bringing up reasons for why you are cheating. These seem to resolve around the fact that you are not getting what you need from your b/f, that you cannot be yourself with him.

 

Doesn't that seem to suggest what the right thing to do here is? Let your current boyfriend go. Not only are you cheating on him but you know he is not right for you. Do the right thing by him.

[bellamelle]

You know, you're right. I've known this all along.

I am going to break things off with him.

 

Thank you.

[melrich]

That sounds like the right move and a positive step for you.

[marathoner55]

I

He's been training for an Ironman triathlon. he has been for most of the time we've been in a relationship. One big marathon or triathlon after another. It takes up a lot of his time. So, between his work, training, sleeping, eating - i barely see him once a week. when i do, he's tired, or complaining about one ache or pain after another. . . . . . . . . Give up your fricken training for one night and take your girlfriend out, the one you're intending on marrying,.......

 

Questions

• Are you engaged? (I did not understand you were engaged, by reading the previous posts in this thread.)
  
• If not, Have you spoken of marriage?
  
• Have you committed to each other that you are exclusive, promised that you are dating nobody else?
  

 

Training vs Time for the Girlfriend

I am married, (lets call her Mrs. Marathoner55) and am ALWAYS training for the next marathon, but I ALWAYS make time for the wife and kids. Marathon training takes an hour three days a week, 2-5 hours on the weekend days, and maybe 2 hours for one day mid-week. This is at the peak of your training. This is only 12 hours a week, out of 168 (7 days x 24 hrs). Stated differently, its only 7% of his time, at the peak. Normally its about 3% of his time.

 

Basically, I'm saying that since he is NOT training 93% - 97% of the time, his training schedule does not excuse his failure to make time for you.

 

Obviously that is 6-12 fewer hours for other things, but that can easily be fewer hours drinking, watching TV, hanging with his buddies, etc. Deciding to be Mr. IronMan has tradeoffs. He is trading you off, and that is a problem!

 

Suggestion

To change the situation (if indeed you desire to change it) will involve a discussion of what gets pushed aside when he spends this time on training. Mrs. Marathoner55 and I have had these discussions many times. We work on it. I'm do not always get my own way, and she does not always get her own way. But compromise (for the love of the other) is a sign of love in a relationship.

 

I think the sitiation with the b/f may be salvagable. If salvaging it is your desire. Given the communication issues, is it your desire to change how much time he spends with you?

 

- Marathoner55

[SarahRose]

Seems to me that this is the giddiness of a new relationship rather than intense love.

 

 

If things worked out with the new guy, you'd probably be a bit bored with him in 3 years too.