bellamelle

You know, you're right. I've known this all along. I am going to break things off with him. Thank you.

If you read some of my past posts (from awhile back, about other issues) you will see why the relationship with my 3-yr is has been problemsome. our communication SUCKS. As much as i would like to tell him anything and everything on my mind -i simply cannot. And it's because of the vibe i get from him if i do. it's either a look like "that is a stupid thing to talk about" or no response at all! He's been training for an Ironman triathlon. he has been for most of the time we've been in a relationship. One big marathon or triathlon after another. It takes up a lot of his time. So, between his work, training, sleeping, eating - i barely see him once a week. when i do, he's tired, or complaining about one ache or pain after another. True- he is good to me, buys me things, takes me on trips...but to me, that stuff if fluff and i would much rather have his love and attention. I've given my fair share of it, but with not much response i've backed off quite a bit and found that i've opened my heart up to another person. You wouldn't believe that i've cried and cry about how i'm hurting my 3-year and he doesn't even know it! i can't tell him either. I wish the r'ship to just fizzle out. He doesn't call me much, and he cancelled my birthday dinner he said he'd take me out on because he had to train. i mean, c'mon. Give up your fricken training for one night and take your girlfriend out, the one you're intending on marrying, the girl who SHOULD be your priority. sorry...little resentment. geez, i hope no one i know is reading this. the cat would be out of the bag then!

wow. Thanks all. Your comments are helpful and make me feel crappy, too. I want to comment on how I got to this situation (more downs than ups with boyfriend & I rejected the "new" guy for a long time) but i'm not...because I guess it all comes down to the fact that i'm a cheater. Never thought i'd do it. I've been cheated on...and i know how it feels - but I also know exactly how someone can cheat - and it's because they are very unhappy and unstable in thier current relationship - and that is how i am with my boyfriend. Trust me, i've told him of my unhappiness, and my concerns about our relationship failing - and things have gotten slightly better, but not entirely. I guess i feel like he's not the person to give me what I need, as compared to this other guy. Being a great provider is awesome. the 3-year is a good friend, sometimes a lover, and sensitive and caring. But - when i can't sit next to him and talk to him and be silly around him (i never could) because he ignores it, or changes the subject about things i'd like to discuss - i'm not sure i want to be in a lifetime commitment with him. I don't know if that could change. i also don't know that i could tell him about this other. Perhaps the other is filling a void, I don't know. or maybe, i just need to look at my 3-year in a new light and quit my job, where i work with the other. My mother always told me not to tie myself up with one man. I should be free to date around until i'm engaged and married. My sister was "stolen" from her boyfriend of 7-years by her now husband and says "I'm so happy he was so persistent, or I would have married someone who isn't right for me"

I really need valuable insight into my relationship issue, and I'm afraid now - that I feel more unsettled about it than ever before. I'm am totally IN LOVE with one man, while I still love my boyfriend of 3 years. I can't seem to figure out who is the "best" man for me. The man i'm in love with is exciting, TOTALLY into me, passionate, fun, social, witty, and just makes my heart race. I have been intimate with him, but not "all the way". The 3-year boyfriend feels more like a father figure to me, stable, secure, smart and makes me feel safe. I love him deeply - but i have a hard time sometimes being myself around him, and there hasn't been any sexual relations with him for 2 months now. The fact that there is another man while i'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend is making my guilt unbearable. I don't know if it's because the situation with the other guy is so new and exciting, and that's why i feel so strongly about him (what would HE be like in 3 years?) or if he's the real deal - and this feeling won't go away? I should mention that the IN LOVE guy knows all about the 3-year guy, but the 3-year guy know's nothing about the other, and both of them want to get married (to me) within the year. what do i do. How can I look further into this situation to choose the best outcome for me for a lifetime...is there an exercise? a test? a survey of some sort? regardless of the outcome, one of the men i love dearly will be hurt - that this is what is hurting me most of all. I understand that I am cheating, and I never intended for this to happen. My current b-friend was (and somewhat is) so unavailable to me. I've had conversations with him about my concern in our relationship. I barely see him once a week, and that one time is usually late at night and we go to bed anyway. The new guy showers me with TONS of attention, affection, compliments...he is so adorable and we talk about everything. I can't talk to him about things i wouldn't feel comfortable with saying to my 3-year. On paper, my 3-year relationship is probably the best. But, from a "soul mate" standpoint - the newer guy seems more right. I still don't know if it's because he's "new", this is exciting - or i'm just falling for all the attention he gives me. OH I AM SO LOST! I just want to run away from this! help?

Oh, he doesn't know I feel this way. I feel this way because i've never tried it. I'm stuck in what I know how to do and what I feel comfortable with. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions by saying I have no interest in it. I guess - that's not all true. Maybe I'm just afraid of saying I'll try it out and then realizing I really do hate it and I might look like a failure to him. besides, I really do not know how to swim. I'd drown. I went snorkeling with him in Hawaii over Christmas and almost threwup I was so afraid of the water. that's not good for a triathlete!

Thank you so much for all of your replies and insight! I've decided to let this issue slide for now. He knows how I feel, so I think he will be sensitive to my concerns. I've expressed my interest in riding with him. I said if that means I need to go out and buy a road bike, helmet, shoes and gear - I will. I said I'd start out on my mountain bike though. He said I wouldn't keep up with him but I said, that's ok. I'll get there. I need to start somewhere, right? truthfully - I have no interest in riding a bike. I can't swim - and triathlons are of no interest either. My joy is marathoning. If this is what I need to do to show him that I take an interest in HIM doing these things, than so be it. I got some advice from that (male) friend of mine. He told me that training and exercising with the opposite sex can be messy. training can be an intimate thing. Hey - that is how I met my boyfriend. We began as running buddies and it blossomed into something more almost a year later. I know it can happen and I don't want him to get in that trap. That's all im saying. He was married almost 7 years ago, his ex-wife cheated on him he didn't tell me that detail until 2 years after we were going out. Because of that - he probably does't have it in him to cheat on someone else. who knows. he called me 3 times yesterday. that's unusual.

Oh I've told him of his poor communication skills. He's top level executive where he works and he can't communicate over delicate issues with me. It's a big problem. Last night we talked about marriage, kids, timing for these things, etc.... I really hope he wants to visit a couples therapist to help push certain issues to the forefront. I know i'm not the best communicator either, so I think that could help.

well incase you're all wondering the outcome of this fiasco... He called me and said he'd be in my area, and would i like to grab a bite to eat. Of course I said yes - as I want to put this episode behind us. He comes over and we decide to talk about it before we go to eat because I am sure I would start crying and I don't want to do that in a restaurant. conversation goes as follows: me: "well, i am very sorry for my over-reaction last night, but I think i have a right to feel how I feel about you and this girl. I am disappointed that you didn't reassure me in anyway - you know, 'it's ok, you're the one, i love only you, i'm not interested in her, you have nothing to worry about' but you didn't do any of that" him: "are you kidding me? You were acting so stupid! so highschool! i didn't want a part of that, that was so stupid. I am not going to reassure you with behaivor like that" me: "what the...THAT WAS MY REACTION!!! I'm not going to stop and ponder and think 'hmmm, now how are you going to react to this?' no, that was my reaction right then and there. I'm sorry if you think I have the mentality of a highschooler than. (i'm 33 by the way) the least you could have done, as my boyfriend who loves me and cares about me is to settle me down or something" him: blank stare, says nothing me: "And what are you then, Mr. I don't want to talk about it. Well, you NEVER want to talk about it. You just close up and ignore any problem. THAT is a little highschool to me then" him: "I think jealousy is a discusting thing, and it's a big turn off to me that you are jealous. I don't ever want to see that side of you again." me: "Jealousy is a natural human emotion. At this point in our relationship -I saw this girl as a threat to us because you and I both know her reputation" (flirts, drinks often, brings home men, hops from one r'ship to another) ...so in a nutshell, the issue was buried. He told me that this girl is one of the guys. That he think she's ugly -crude and gross and not feminine and pretty and would never be interested in someone like her. (ok, I didn't think this because she is really not that bad). so then we went to dinner and that's it, basically. no, we didn't break up. And things are ok. I'm just going to have to be careful not to act "highschoolish" around him. Whatever that means.

Well, I called him about 45 minutes ago and it rang this time and he didn't answer. I left a message for him to call me back because I'd like to talk about it. but if he doesn't call back, i'll know he doesn't and well - that's it, I guess. I'm besides myself. I am not sure what to do at this point. He is a stubborn man, so I am a little scared that he will take this situation very seriously.

Listen. I run marathons - I've offered to be his running partner for the training runs. He didn't bite. I would be glad to ride with him if I had a bike, and if I had $$ to spend on a bike like that. He has never ever even asked me if I'd be interested in riding with him. So, it's not like he's ATTEMPTED to get me to train with him. From the moment he's met this girl its been amy this, amy that, amy is so funny. he calls her on her phone, she calls him. he's driven to the town where she lives nearly an hour away for training rides. How am I supposed to feel! Yes, there are reasons for my suspicions. The fact that he talks about her a lot is one, secondly - she's pretty, thirdly - I've had bad feelings about other happenings with him. One being him going on little weekend get-aways to "get away" and barely calling me or answering the phone when he's there. Also, I did see some suspicious type web site in his internet history not too long ago (AdultFriendFinder) so what am I supposed to feel? I had an exboyfriend who cheated, my sisters husband cheated, my other sister had a cheating boyfriend....of course I have my fears!! Sorry, I just don't know what to feel at this point. A part of me feels like I over-reacted, but no matter how much I think about it - I still end up feeling uneasy about him hanging with this woman. I would rather he not. Actually - I have a guy friend I work with. I like him very much as a friend. He knows I have a boyfriend and has said that if I didn't - he's ask me out in a heartbeat. He's invited me out on several occasions, for lunch, for beers, for a run - whatever. I've declined every time. no - not because I don't want to - but because It would be crossing the line, and oh how guilty i would feel having a one-on-one lunch or run, or whatever with this guy. I just wouldn't do it!!

Hi - I've been in a r'ship with a wonderful man for nearly 3 years now, and just last night I blew up at him about spending time with a (girl) friend of his. He met her last year while training for a triathlon, and they frequently rode bikes together - and this bothered me last year but I never expressed it. Well the triathlon season is up and running again and he told me that he had plans to ride the bike with her but she can't so they are going to grab some lunch instead. This is the point I freaked out. I told him that she has the hots for him (I think she does) and that by him going on these outtings with just her (training or not, there are plenty of other MEN in the triathlon group too) is considered going on DATES with her. He told me to get over my jealousy and when I asked him to take a look at my side of it, he said "no, it's a problem you have, not me" SO, basically - in what otherwise would have been me spending the night at his place some 30 miles from my own house, i said i'm going home. He said he didn't want to talk and closed the door. I barely got sleep and i am so shook up at this, because it's really the first time we've ever had a confrontation such as this. when I try to call him, his cell goes right to voicemail. what to do? any advice? much appreciated.

ha ha, no arousal problems!

no, and I guess I wouldn't want him to erase me, should a breakup ever happen. If I found out he was just looking at porn, I would be a little less disturbed, but disturbed nonetheless. Porn bothers me. i'd never look at it because it makes me very uncomfortable and kind of ill. it would bother me if he looked at porn. i'd feel like i'm not attractive enough for him if he has to look at that stuff. I am sorry about your divorce. I think you should keep some sentiments (the good stuff) but put it way out of view of curious eyes

well, i think that he would be angry at me for using his computer without asking him. that's all. i remember way back in the beginning of our relationship, i had asked to use his computer and he said no - why do i need to, and that i can use my own when i get home. i was a little taken aback by that one since if someone asked if they could use mine- i'd say no problem!!

thanks Ray, your post made me feel a bit better knowing that this AFF site can violate a computer with popups and attach it's nasty links in a web browser. in the dropdown history, it wasn't a simple link removed like it was typed in, it was like that and a bunch of other gobbly gunk in the address, like a link to a link to a picture to another link, etccc. i doubt he typed it in, it just proved to me that he was "there" so maybe I have nothing to worry about. i would never know how to bring it up, you know? i don't really notice any outward signs of straying with him, in general - I am a very "untrusting" person. I have trust issues - I'm constantly suspicious of one thing or another. He blatenly looks at attractive women at restaurants, sidewalks, etc and it bothers me. he also has a box filled with old photos of him and another girlfriend and his old wedding ring. He doesn't know I know of this box but I wish he didn't keep it. it makes me feel like he still has feelings for this past person. ugggh.

I am surprised at how similar my situation is! dating my bf for 2.5 years now. We have a pretty stable rship - no outward issues than I wish our communication was better. he was previously married many years ago, which ended abruptly because she cheated. well... I was at his house for most of the day this past Sunday - and wanted to check my email. He had left to go workout so I was the only one at his house. well - the dropdown list of last sites visited included all normal ones (msn, cnn, espn, etc) but one stood out and there were about 3 of them for link removed. so i clicked on it and it asked me for the login name because it said it logged me out due to inactivity. It was a sex and swingers site. and it wasn't just a random pop up or anything because i checked his internet cookies and the website and links within the website are in his cookies, and in past history from weeks ago, even. so out of curiosity, (at my home) in order to see what this site is all about, I had to create a user name, so I did - and I was browsing on it, and basically - it is a PORN site, and instead of headshots of individuals looking to meet someone to date, these are pictures of peoples penises and stuff looking for others to meet for casual sex, and even married couples looking for other couples to have sex with. I was so disgusted. I don't know if he is on it or not - but it is bothering me tremendously. and just on new years day he asked me if I'd like to start going to church with him, and well - the way he is around me totally doesn't fit someone who'd go to this type of website. what should I do?

You totally make sense. They are after the "hunt" and most men don't even realize they're doing it. Of course men would love for a women to just come to them, take off her clothes and get into bed, but if that goes on and on without them ever having to TRY to get them to do that...then where's the challenge in that. Not to say I did that. I sure was a challenge at one time! This sucks. Why can't I just come out and say. Listen Sam, I like you a lot and I see you in my future. This is what I want...blah blah (tell him what I want) and if you don't want the same things then I must leave you. (because you'd be a waste of my time!) women DO need the "talk", otherwise we have no clue what the mans intentions are. When they wine and dine us, bed us - treat us like thier girlfriends...and then the subject actually comes up verbally, they freak out. I don't get it.

It's like, he's done the pursuing for SO LONG...until now that I finally really, really like him- he's backed off. Is there some point to where the games end!!! I hate games. I think they make a person crazy. I didn't pursue the "talk" until after the spare key incident. After that happened I needed to know because I mean, if he IS seeing other women - and sleeping with me, I have a right to know, for my own health saftey. Huh. And not too long ago he surprised me with a weekend get away to celebrate the anniversary of when we first met. Complete with a gift "hint" as to where we are going, very expensive tickets to the event and fancy hotel reservations. Now, if that isn't pursuing, I don't know what is. And I'd like to have that again. Thanks muneca for your advice.

Thanks for your replies. Yes, I feel I initiate the sex....but when he doesn't seem to get hot and bothered by the initiating..sex doesn't happen. But - he always initiates the sex most mornings. He used to initiate it all the time but the past few weeks, No. Could be because he's refurbishing his home, his dad had surgery, his sister had a baby, he's training for a marathon, (with me), he works hard... who knows. He does spend time with me, more time with me than he could with another woman - if there was another woman. uggggh. I am overanalyzing, I know. I think I will do what I've been telling myself to do and that is to lay low. Act friend mode- be mysterious for a while. He didn't call me last night...though I really didn't expect him to. I have plans tonight that I was going to invite him along and now I don't think so. I should let him think that I have a life outside of him. The other night (Wed) when I was over there for dinner, he was doing laundry and I said. "I did 3 loads of laundry on monday night"and he said at your place? You should have come over here" and i said "Wow Sam, you could open a laundremat service with all these women doing laundry over here!" he looked down and didn't say anything. That's the kind of communication I get.

Suppose I should fill you in on the situation. And not that there is necessarily anything WRONG with it...however; I FEEL there is, well - maybe that is why I need some opinions from this forum. I am 31 and I met a 37 year old man (Sam) a bit over a year whilst going through a terribly traumatic breakup with my ex boyfriend. Sam and I did "friend" things for a long time. Running together, dinner, hanging out. Nothing ever physical happened with him because I simply was not into him that way. I went through a series of breaking ups and getting back togethers with my ex and was never quite ready to see in Sam what I now see. Just this past February, Sam and I went to dinner like we usually did once a month. This particular night ended up in wild passion, first time kissing and the whole works if you know what I mean. Since then - I suppose you could say that we were a couple. The more months that went by, the more and more we really seem interested in eachother. I mean, genuinely. I see Sam and like him sooooo much. I am incredibly attracted to him however there is one problem, and that is communication. Sam is divorced of 5 years. I do not know what happened. He doesn't say. He knows nothing of my past hurtful relationship. is it right to hide this from eachother after so long? or is it pointless because the past is the past. Secondly - I seem to be making the first move sexually with him. He doesn't reciprocate often. Other than that - he is a complete gentleman. buys me flowers, we cook dinner together, go on dates. He's met my family and I've never met his because they all live out of state. we are planning a trip in Oct to visit his sisters new baby - and also a trip to AZ in dec. Sam invites me to do my laundry at his house since I live in an apt. with smelly old washers and dryers. on occasion, if I sleep over - and I'm there and he has to leave, I lock up after myself and slide the spare key under his door. Well, last friday, after a date - we went back to his place and when he opened his door, there was the spare under it. now, I have not been there in almost a week - so I knnow I didn't leave them there. he said that he has a neighbor who he lets do laundry at his place. Later to find out (because I snooped) that this neighbor is a woman. I naturally got suspicious but because I don't want to be a naggy b**ch I kept this to myself (ex relationships fault) I mean, we never did have the "talk" are we exclusive or what? So I ask him in bed. are you dating other people/ Sam: no (while wiggling his feet, a sign of nervousness or uncomfortable) me: are you interested in dating others? Sam: ahhh, no. Me; when was the last time you did date someone? Sam: not since I've lived here (he's lived in this city for 2 years) me; so you only want to date me? Sam: ummmm....yes (with a big smile on his face) we then go to sleep. Note, he barely makes the moves on me anymore. we don't talk every day. i feel this relationship is so one sided, that I'm doing all the work and I don't feel, I don't know...Like Im attractive to him? Cause he never says anything or does anything to indicate it like he used to! What's going on? is he seeing other women? Should I lay off a while and see if he'll come around? uggggh. I hate relationships sometimes.