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How important is sex and "sexual compatability"?


Skydiver8
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Is it worth divorcing over?

 

Hi there. I am so torn up right now and am looking for advice. Let me give some background.

 

I have been married for 6 years to the man who was my first serious boyfriend. I got married when I was 24, and I was very inexperienced sexually (or in any other aspect of a relationship), as was he. We never felt much passion for each other, I don't think...I certainly can't recall ever going through a period, even at the beginning, where there was much passion in the bedroom or elsewhere. In our time together, I have never had an orgasm with him.

 

I thought I just didn't like sex. My husband is...ummm...larger than I am, and for some reason I can't seem to get aroused enough with him to actually do anything without tons of additional lubricant...it hurts and I started to avoid sex with him a while ago.

 

I have been to the doctor, because I thought something was wrong with me physically because I couldn't get wet...or even feel any sort of attraction to my husband.

 

I wrote it off as I was asexual and wasn't ever going to be sexually attracted to anyone...and I began to try to cope.

 

Now here's the kicker. I was wrong. SOOOO wrong. I met another man who absolutely BLEW ME AWAY in bed. Yes, I had an affair, and I know it was wrong. it is over, and that's not really what this thread is about. This other guy...man, all he had to do was say the right words and I was instantly ready. I mean, I have never ever experienced passion like I did with him. He let me play out my fantasies (my husband thinks a lot of mine are "wrong" or "gross"), he did things to me my husband never has, and won't, and most of all, he appreciated my sexuality. Sex with this other guy NEVER hurt (well, maybe the 5th time in one night...but that was extreme), and I had an orgasm every time. He was a perfect fit, both emotionally and physically.

 

Even though it's over with this other guy, and I am trying to work on my marriage, I can't help but feel like my future with my husband is destined to be a grim, loveless one. I am glad I discovered that I'm not completely asexual, but in a way I regret it because now I'm deathly afraid I'll NEVER experience those incredible feelings again. My husband is my best friend, but how do I explain all of this to him without letting him know that I discovered my true sexuality with someone else? I can't do that to him.

 

I'm seriously considering filing for divorce, not because I don't love him, but because I know I can't give him the physical satisfaction he deserves. I would be happier, I think, just being friends with my husband...without the pressure of trying to force myself to be attracted to him.

 

I honestly don't know what to do here, but it's tearing me up. We've tried "spicing things up," but it's really hard to bring back something that was never there in the first place.

 

I don't know what else to do.

 

Thanks,

Sky

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OK, not a fan of your cheating, but now, you know better is out there. And you want it.

 

I might be critical of your approach, to getting him to do things you want to do. But that seems to be secondary. And size, can I assume that you think his plug is too large for your outlet, or is he just too tall and too heavy? But, that seems to be secondary too.

 

What seems to be the real issue is that this other man knew how to light your fire and get it burning, while your husband does not know how to do that. You need to figure out how to seduce your husband in wanting to seduce you, it seems to me. Not the easiest thing in the world to do. I can seduce a woman, and have been seduced, but not quite sure if one has ever gotten me to seduce her.

 

Anyway, I wanted you to identify the problems before commenting. Did I get it right or not?

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Beec, I think you hit the nail on the head.

 

But I have no idea how to proceed.

 

Like I said, I could be perfectly happy never having sex with my husband again...but that's not fair to him or me, especially since I WANT that feeling.

 

I don't want to lose my hubby, but I don't want to continue to hurt him, either.

 

 

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I wish you luck!

 

Sounds like your H has some serious hang-ups about sex. Maybe counseling would help. If I'm reading you correctly, he's never given you an orgasm even during 'foreplay'? If he doesn't know that can happen, he doesn't know what he's missing. Counseling?

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Beec, I think you hit the nail on the head.

 

But I have no idea how to proceed.

 

Like I said, I could be perfectly happy never having sex with my husband again...but that's not fair to him or me, especially since I WANT that feeling.

 

I don't want to lose my hubby, but I don't want to continue to hurt him, either.

 

 

 

OK, what you have tried so far is basically frontal assault. You have an issue, you went to your husband, talked about it, and nothing happened. You charged his position, and he repelled your charge.

 

Getting him to seduce you won't be easy. If he were here asking the questions and wanted to, I could try and help him seduce you. But you getting him to seduce you, that's a differnet question.

 

What about trying to seduce him first, without using a frontal assault approach? What about leading him astray, and him only realizing he has been lead astray when he is about to venture into new activities that he has not done, but wants to do right then and there? Would you being able to get him to explore some new activities help? Because that might be relatively easy to get done. I don't know what it is he refuses to do, but the ideas should be the same for anything.

 

Once you have seduced him, you will have changed the dynamic. That may spur him into wanting to seduce you.

 

My general thought on this is that you have to make him want to, which means you need to seduce him, then try and teach him. Which also means you cannot give in easily.

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I'm going to suggest something even less 'frontal' than what Beec is suggesting, b/c the woman as sexual teacher is just not that erotic when the man has hang-ups to the degree I'm reading into what she's written. Too much of his mindset will have to be shifted before he even gets to the place where Beec's tips would be of use.

 

Find a way to get him to get 'help' for YOUR "problem." I have NO idea how you can get him to seek help from a guy like Beec. Maybe Beec is on some other site and can give you an idea of how to get your H to go there, or who knows. Present it as asking him to help you.

 

This is how I got my X to go to counseling the first time ... things weren't good, and since I'm open about areas in which I need to improve, he was taking that as the explanation for ALL our conflict. So I got him to go to the counselor alone to address MY problems. I told him the counselor could give him some tips to protect himself from me. (Btw this wasn't sex counseling!) He went, and the counselor didn't buy the idea of me being the sole problem and him being a saint and victim. It was soooooooooo hard not to crack up laughing when he came back and said how hard she'd been on him. After a few sessions, she insisted I come in with him, and then she yelled at me, too. All good.

 

Something's got to happen to motivate this guy to want to make you wild. That he's not appreciative of your sexuality is such a soul-killer - that would be a bigger deal-breaker for me than the lack of sex itself would be.

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This is the toughest thing for me to figure out. How to get someone to begin seducing you. Because knowing it is coming makes is less likely to succeed. The best thing I can think of, and trust me I've thought about it, is to seduce them into being sex freaks and then making them not get any or much unless they get what you want them to do right. I wish could figure this out.

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Beec, that's why the 'training' can't come from her. The motivation is the first issue ... he's got to think he wants it more than she does, I think.

 

See I'm pretty sure - if he came to you asking for advice, you could describe what kind of reactions it's possible to get from women, how satisfying it is to drive them completely batty. If he's halfway okay, you'd be able to arouse his interest in achieving that as well. Only then - when the motivation is in order - will your technique tips be any good at all. Sounds (OP correct me if I'm wrong) like he sees "satisfaction" as getting off, and is totally blind to the kick of getting =her= off.

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  • 1 year later...

Others might say stick in there and do such and such to make it work. But if you're not satisfied, don't cheat, just break it off and go with the other man. Your husband might find someone else that's a perfect match for him too. Sure it might hurt him, but if you let it slip and later on far down the track you turn around and say you're not satisfied, this is not what you want. it's just going to ruin his life more than now, set him free.

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I've never had any luck getting a guy to seduce me. That kind of thing either happens or it doesn't, especially with someone with hangups. I would try sexual counseling as a last resort. If it doesn't work, or he doesn't want to go, don't lose the guy-on-the-side's phone number.

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