How much can I take?

[yk0116]

It's my first time posting here - I am the 'other woman' and not proud of it, but I just needed to vent out as I can't talk to anyone about it and am hoping to get some help to get through this difficult phase.

 

It's been 5 months since I've started seeing this guy who's been married for 5 years and has a beautiful 15 month old daughter who he absolutely adores. I started working indirectly for him about 3 months ago and that's going very well as we've both managed to completely separate our work and personal relationship.

 

He was in a very unhappy place when we met - he'd been talking to lawyers about divorce procedures and custody for the daughter, which is what matters to him most but given his situation he is unlikely to get it. We are all expats from different countries living in a 3rd country and if they separate now she is likely to go back to her home country with the daughter which would make it very difficult for him to see her which he would not be able to bear. However, he reckons that if they separate once they get back to his home country, which they're due to next summer, she's likely to stay on and agree on joint custody as she has family and friends there.

 

He has made it clear that he does love his wife and always will, but he is in love with me and that he ultimately wants to end up with me. We are very much in love - we both know that we are right for each other and it's almost a perfect relationship; obviously other than the marriage factor.

 

I had made a conscious decision to stick to the relationship and give it my best as I've never been so sure that I want something as much as I do for him. It always has been more of an emotional relationship than physical, but as time goes by it is only getting stronger and harder for me to deal with, and my determination to follow through is being shaked for the first time.

 

The weekends have always been difficult for me, which he knows, as he hardly contacts me. This week has been even worse as he is on a weeks' leave and is at home spending time with his daughter, and he has hardly been in touch. I've been left wishing that I was the one spending quality time as a family with him. I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he really did feel the way he says he does he would be contacting me more (didn't hear a single beep out of him for 4 days). I wonder if he will really split. And my biggest wonder; how much more of this loneliness and pondering around in circles without any conclusion can I take? It's almost come to a point that the anxiety is taking over the happiness. I don't want to push him nor do I want to let go but I feel as though I am so emotionally worn out especially after this week I don't know how to take it from here.

 

Would appreciate any pointers, feedback etc. Thanks for reading...

[ElektraHere]

One pointer for you......get out! This is not a great place you have put yourself in. If you have read any stories of relationships that start as an affairs are the same story different people. You will always be third do you like that spot? His wife and child come before you and always will. How for sure are you he is unhappy? That he really looked into divorce proceedings? If he can cheat because he is "unhappy" what happens when he gets "unhappy" with you???

 

If you enjoy the emotional turmoil and ups and downs then stay with it. If you respect yourself then you will turn on your heels and walk the other way.

[Jane0815]

There's no way of knowing where you and he really stand until he's actually divorced. You being around is just muddying things for him. And it's pretty risky for you. I'm guessing you're attractive, nice to be around and a huge ego boost for him. NOBODY is going to have an =easy= time saying, "oh no thanks, please step back and stop stroking my ego while I do the honorable thing." You're going to have to step back on your own - you really don't want to be his cushy way out.

 

In answer to Elektra's non-question about relationships that start as affairs: a couple I know met in a situation similar to yours. They had a fling and then went LC (given workplace, NC not possible) until his divorce was final and he had his own place. His kids are late teens/early 20s, they're not planning to marry, she doesn't want kids nor to live together, so the situation is a little different than yours is. And it's only 3-4 years they've had this arrangement, so Elektra's point might hold. (Knowing them, esp. her, and the amount of work he's done on himself, I think they're good.)

 

I'm not at a point to be giving advice, but my sound-off here is: get clarity. Which you get by giving him the space to get his own situation cleared up.

[Sally00]

I've been the other woman before... twice.

 

The first one I didn't even know he had a girlfriend.

The second one.. he also used that excuse, "But I'm unhappy with her." But all I did with that guy was talk to him on the phone. He was the one who called me all the time to talk to me for hours. But I still felt somewhat bad.

 

But you're seeing a MARRIED MAN. I really think you should end this relationship. He can't keep doing this to his wife and his child... and you.

 

And it's only been 5 months...

[cruisin]

yk, I'm with Jane on this. I've been there too. I have no problem with the "seeing a married man" part as far as "it's not right" or something like that, but it is very unhealthy for you. Things aren't always nice and clearcut, especially as you get older and divorces loom or you may even be seeing a divorcee who later gets back together with the ex. However, this is not good for either of you now, because of his situation with the child especially. And, if you are meant to be together, it will happen. If you stay in the picture he will always think he is not giving his family a fair shake or a fair chance and even if they do split up, he may feel guilt that it was due to his affair and that will harm your relationship. If things are rocky, they will likely split up. If they're not really, then you will be the odd man out in the end. You have to have courage to stay out of the picture and let him decide this with just his wife. You are already being much too affected by it all, feeling the pain of being without him, the jealousy. That is not healthy and you are hurting yourself, your self-esteem and your worth in both your eyes and his more than you probably realize. I know it would be really hard, but I would impose a no-contact rule on the relationship for a year or so and then promise to get in touch after that. You have to be brave to do this. It will also cause him to really look deeply at his relationship with his wife now. Best of luck to you.

[theantibarbie23]

He has made it clear that he does love his wife and always will, but he is in love with me and that he ultimately wants to end up with me. We are very much in love - we both know that we are right for each other and it's almost a perfect relationship; obviously other than the marriage factor.

 

First the rose colored glasses need to come off and quickly. Of course this is an almost perfect relationship, you two have been seeing each other for a few months. The relationship is still in it's honeymoon phase for god sakes.

 

On top of that, the two of you can't even compare the relationship he has with you to that of his wife. You are not living with him. You two don't have to stress over finances, kids, and all the other mondane things a real couple has to deal with. The fantasy aspect is what makes these relationships so addictive and once the affair partner becomes more like the wife/husband, these relationships usually fizzle out pretty fast. Less than 10% of relationships that start off as affairs last for longer than 3 years.

 

If he loves his wife and always will, why would he treat her this badly? How could you even consider getting together with a person who would betray someone he has a long history with and professes to love? What a wonderful prize you might be winning here... A man with no loyalities to anyone other than himself, no integrity, morals, or backbone. If you end up with this guy, you will have to spend the rest of your life worrying if he will pull this same crap on you.

 

He doesn't sound like a very good catch at all. I would toss him back in a heartbeat.

[annie24]

vk, I think you have put yourself in a hell of your own making. No one dragged you into this relationship, but here you are, suffering during the weekends when he can't call you. And he can't be with you either on mother's day, christmas, thanksgiving, and his wife's birthday.

 

I think it's really important to look deep within yourself and ask why you are living this way? If you are attractive and smart, why put yourself in a situation that is causing you so much pain. And will cause so many people so much pain (the wife, the daughter, the families) if things were to be out in the open.

 

Do you somehow feel you are unworthy of a true, committed relationship, where the guy is 100% loyal to you, and only you?

[Oldboy]

Are you sure he's talking to divorce lawyers? Could be be a yarn he's spinning to concrete his story about how unhappy he is with his baby daughter who he adores and his wife who he loves and always will. Remember this man is a liar. How much of what he is telling you is the truth?

What the chances of him giving up his beloved wife AND baby daughter to be with you?

You say you are almost at the point where the anxiety is taking over the happiness.

Who is causing this anxiety?

You should find someone else who you don't have to follow round the world in the hope that he might end up with you.