I'm in the worst relationship ever, but I can't get out...help...

[TheDoctor]

Hello, I posted about my current relationship about 5 months ago. At that time, the girl and I were in a huge obvious conflict. However, things did change but not neccesarily for the better. Most of you advised that I break up with her and that she is clearly mentally unbalanced.

 

Where we are at right now is really nasty, every day we basically wake up next to eachother, go to school with eachother, go get lunch together, go to my house, I study while she keeps bothering me with stuff I need to do for her like take her to eat for dinner, or basically things that distract me from studying. This is my life 24/7 for the past year. I am being smothered, and I have explained to her 100 times that our problem is we don't have room in our relationship. She keeps saying the problem is im too mean or aggressive and that I just don't care anymore when it's CLEARLY that we just don't give eachother the room to breath. She hsa become a cancer in my life that has spread violantly and I just can't get rid of her. When I break up she refuses to leave and she lives about 2 hours away so I can't tell you how many times I've dropped her off home ($50 bucks worth of gas) and broken up only to find her at my house by the time I get back because she drove her moms car illegaly(suspended license) there. However, even the few times we have broken up I've given in after a few days and her persistently emailing me begging to get back. It is clear I am part of this unhealthy cycle.

 

It is very bizarre that we are at this point in the relationship becaues prior to me and even now this girl is a veryyyyy outgoing girl. When I first met her she was out at bars/clubs/parties 24/7 and infact that is why I didn't want to be with her. Now, she wont get away from me because for 1 she doesn't have a car nor a license (suspended). Let me give you an example of our relationship; last night we were at Tony Romas. I felt feverish so I didn't wanna go out to eat dinner but she kept waking me up from my naps pretending like she was talking to a guy on the phone that wsa going to pick her up and go out to eat with her. So finally after not letting me sleep I just took her to eat Tony Romas ( in which she complained about for half an hour). We ate there and didn't say a single word to eachother until the end of the meal. At the end of the meal she asked my why I have to be such an ***hole all the time and I told her it's because I don't have a moment away from you. She started yelling in the middle of the restaurant and cursed at me more and walked out. The manager asked us to calm down, and people were laughing. I felt HUMILIATED! Then I walked out after paying the meal and she was waiting for me near the car. We went in and as we were driving I did something dumb, I went to grab her hat to throw it out the window, she turned around and socked me in my shoulder and my face and I just pushed her hard against the car door.

 

NOW, I know your thinking dude! Why even question anything, but it isn't that I'm questioning it it's more that despite all this crap we do to eachother she knows how to manipulate me to make it where I forgive. Like after that restaurant scene last night she wakes me up today telling me how me and her need to go camping together again and that shes going to the mall today to buy me new clothes ( which she does all the time). I don't know what to say because I know I sound really stupid...but everytime I break up with this girl after 2-3 days I find myself back with her because of her persistent begging. This is my 3rd failed relationship so I'm not scared of breaking up...but I just can't make that transition towards breaking up. I don't know what to do, my grades are slipping, I feel as though I can never be the bio major I want to be with her around. Yet, despite all this I love her and have been with her through alot. Unfortunately for me, I'm not scared, anxious, depressed or anything! I'm sturdy and I'm not reacting in the positive manner that I need to to get out of this relationship. What would you do if you were me? ( Besides slapping me a few times)Please help, any advice would be highly appreciated. Thank you-

 

The Doc

[RayKay]

Well, hon, I hate to say it but at this point....you are the only obstacle between staying miserable and sinking lower, and ending this and moving on to a healthier life and eventually relationship.

 

You said yourself you have broken it off, but give in when she begs. Knowing that....don't give in! So she shows up at your door, don't let her in. Call the police if she refuses to go. Don't answer the calls. Block the emails. Heck change the phone number and email address!

 

This sounds absolutely toxic...which I think I advised before. And like with other toxic spills, you need to contain it and get away from it!

[winter2005]

Wow! I tried the begging thing many times... I know it does not work . Sorry you have to go through this. First step make it clear to her to leave you alone second step chnage your phone number block her email block her on ur instant msing programs. If she trys anything crazy ... involve the authorities call the cops have them talk to her and if she still does it file a restraining order against her. Let me know how everything goes...

[life_laugh_love]

Get a restraining order, I am serious! She sounds like a psycho .

[coollady1957]

Well I, read back on your previous thread about this relationship and I agree with the other posters here.

 

This relationhips is in a fast spiral downward , but you know that already. Don't give in anymore to her begging, and do not let her back in when she keeps returning to your home.

 

DO what ever you have to , to keep her legally off your property and away from your house.

 

Pack up her things, send her or take her back where she came from and let her know that you do NOT want to see her anymore and that you are moving on for the sake of your sanity and your future.

 

If she shows up again,definitely call the police and have her removed. Let her know that you will take measures to keep her away if she persists. Get a restraining order if she doesn't head your warnings of not returning.

 

Be strong and dont give into her anymore. Take control of this situation, be firm with her and your desire to part ways for good.

[Jayar]

If this was a GUY, the cops would be on him like a cheetah on an antelope.... Don't think that just because she's a girl you have no course of action. Good luck!

[coollady1957]

I also agree that once you get her out of there for good and keep her away. that you should block her from communications, in every way possible.

 

As someone mentioned earlier, block her email address from being able to send anything to you. Place her on ignore on any of your chat messengers.

 

Do not asnwer phone calls from her, or else change your phone number to a non published number if necessary.

 

A non -published number is not listed in the phone directory, nor is it available through information requests. Unlisted numbers are not in the directory BUT are available through an info request and will be given to anyone that calls for the info.

 

At least that is how it is where I live. I have had to change my number to a non published from an unlisted, to avoid people from being able to obtain my number through the information requests.

 

Even if you have to change your home phone and cell phone numbers, a little hassle with the change would be worth what it took to permanently kill off the contact with her.

[DN]

I agree with RayKay - you are the one who needs to make a decision and having made it, stick to it.

 

It's simple - not easy but simple. Make the decision and then follow it through.

[HellFrost666]

You are wasting precious time... How much time do you want to piss away in this bad relationship? You could be away from her and happy if you had the courage to do it.

 

Break it off, block her e-mail, don't answer her calls, and if she shows up unwanted at your house call the cops. Get a restraining order if you must. Don't give in to the begging.

 

I do feel for you though. I was in a relationship simalar to this ten years ago.

[TheDoctor]

Thank you guys so much for your advice. IT GETS WORST, the thing is this, I have already called the police on her before....but she's a monster and worst of all she is a drop dead gorgeous girl ( the blonde bombshell type). You wonder how that effects? Well let me tell you, she gets out of EVERYTHING!! Cops were sympathizing with her when they came and told me it's gonna be hard to prove that your being stalked by a gorgeous blonde girl. I said cmon man I just want her out and they told me that there is nothing they can do.

 

 

Let me explain in further detail, she wont go away, she has told me already I can't kick her out because anyone who has lived in a place for more than 2 weeks with or without rent has legal residency and has to be given an eviction notice. So, when I called the police on her one day after a huge fight and her refusal to leave, the cops arrived and told me THAT THIS IS TRUE AND THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING!! I asked the officer about a restraining order and he said I'd have to prove infront of a judge that she is an imminent threat and that it's a little hard to prove that considering she is seriously a beautiful blonde girl. My friends are creeped out because shes so pretty but they tell me how can such a pretty girl ever be on any guys jock strap 24/7 like that?!

 

Here is one hard part, the 2 times I actually broke up with her she tried to kill herself. The 1 time I broke up with her her mom called me and told me she has taken 2 bottles worth of painkillers ( hydrocodone) and she is in a hospital. That is 22 pills of hydrocodone people!! That stuff is powerful, 1 pill and I'm knocked out for a day. I went to visit her and she told me without me she promises me she'll kill herself. The second time which was a few weeks ago I broke up with her and I found her in my house trying to break my gun case open to shoot herself!! And no, she wasn't bluffing because I was supposed to not be home that day and she knew it so she broke into my house and wanted to scar me for the rest of my life. I thank God that I came home coincedentally that day. I was like omg how can you ever think this will work when your so clearly unstable?! She was trying to break the case open with a hammer but thank god it is secure and locked up. I couldn't believe how stupid she was for doing this.

 

Now look, don't get me wrong, beyond the victimization she has caused on herself she is very cruel to me too and curses me out, and tells me she is losing her feelings for me, and she embaresses me CONSTANTLY in public by yelling at me or hitting me infront of people. YES, hitting me. But I think despite her telling me she doesn't want to lose me her actions have clearly shown she wants to lose me. It's funny, I went into this post thinking I can someway make it sound like there was a chance with this relationship, but I see how badly I need to move on.

 

The reality is, I know if I HAVE to I can break up with her. It's just such a life change that it feels hard and it will take an amazing amount of courage and strength to do it. I know I have that in me, but this is the first breakup in my life where it is literally ALL THE WAY or none at all.....very difficult.

 

PS I have already discontinued my cell phone service with SPRINT just so she can't contact me anymore. Currently she is at her dads house for the weekend ( the first time off in months). I feel like it's a good opportunity now.

[Iceman26]

PS I have already discontinued my cell phone service with SPRINT just so she can't contact me anymore. Currently she is at her dads house for the weekend ( the first time off in months). I feel like it's a good opportunity now.

 

Why don't you pack your stuff up from your apartment and get the hell out before she can show up?

 

Man this is worse than Fatal Attraction.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are in an abusive relationship and absolutely, positively must get out for your own well-being. Whose name is on the lease? Are you sure you can't just get the locks changed. Have you documented everything she has done? From now on, document, document, document with dates and times included.

[Bethany]

Change the locks before she gets back and then break it off with her.

When you have, call her parents and tell them what you have done and tell them that you are worried she may do something stupid as she has tried before for your own peace of mind, then leave them deal with it.

 

If I were you then, I'd try to take that camping trip with friends, at least consider disappearing for a few days.This woman had pyschological problems long before you came along. Do not be emotionally blackmailed.

[TheDoctor]

I'm only 22 years old, and I live with my parents. Or else I would have packed a long time ago and just disappeared. My family supports me on the relationship, however everyone has distanced themselves from me and I dont blame them at all. They are all scared of her, other than my dad who hates her because she totalled my car a few months back and my dad ended up with the bill.

 

This is definitley worst than fatal attraction, she is obsessed with something that this relationship offers her but I dont think it's me! She has hit me before, and used to hit me when we would get into heated arguments. Then I would walk out and leave and she would call me 1000000 times crying hysterically on the phone about how sorry she is. (I used to be a boxer so I would always take it and say dont hit a girl) but now I restrain her very aggressivley if she pulls any of that crap. Anyway, I dont want to character assasinate her and make you guys feel like she's evil or messed up and I'm good because I feel like a bad person too. It's just that I want help because I feel like this is how addictions begin, when you least suspect them of being there. The denial is starting to settle in as well where I am talking like a crack addict who is telling people I can drop the habit if I really wanted too.

 

The thing is me and her (believe it or not) recovered as a couple for a while after she crashed my car and all that crap. After a bout a good month what happened was I busted her on 3 different occasions in her talking to other men and giving her number out. 1 time was on hotornot she was meeting good looking guys and giving her number out. Some guy said hey I dont know if you want to be serious with me or not, I keep calling but you wont pick up. The 2nd time was the same sorta thing, and the 3rd time was with an old fling that she gave her number too and said she missed him. Since then I have turned off my emotions, I told her I want to take time off and she was crying and said ok she deserves that but then she just showed up at my hous 4 am crying telling me how were gonna marry some day!! This isn't the first time, I cant tell you how many times she has told me she just wants to be friends or something sending me home sad only to see by the time I get home she's there infront of my house! She just doesn't get it!

 

Lastly, there are those rare occasions where I get her so upset she calls it off and has me drop her off on a 4 hour round trip to her moms house. The thing is, I always give in 3 or so days later because she acts like the girl that I met and remember falling in love with. Sweet, caring, etc. I guess it's hard because she was love at first sight for me, and actually to be honest she was a girl I had a crush on and she wouldnt give me the time of day but I eventually ended up with her. It was a dream come true, how often do you end up having a relationship with your crush? However, I CLEARLY see that I am being a stupid guy and I need to stop this cycle I have started. I have already discontinued my cell phone services just so she cant get a hold of me, I have deleted my myspace, I have changed my screen names. I have pretty much arranged for it to happen. Now I just gotta go through with it.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly, I'm going to tell you this straight:

 

You are the reason this is continuing.

 

I broke up with my abusive ex. He called everyday, followed me everywhere, phoned all my friends and relatives, emailed me, showed up at my place, threatened to kill himself...and I IGNORED IT ALL. Everytime I saw him, I would not speak to him, I wouldn't explain anything to him, I wouldn't bother.

 

Break it off and STRICT, STRICT, STRICT no contact.

 

you are being the sucker. That's why she's sticking around. She knows you think, "well she'll kill herself." If she does, I'm sorry but that's not your problem. Everyone has their own choices.

 

What to do: Phone her, talk to her parents and tell them you are breaking up with her and that you want them to know so they will support her better. Strict no contact from then on, and refuse all contact. I mean it, that's the only way this will end.

[TheDoctor]

Yea that's pretty much how the cookie crumbles I think.....I dont think we have any other destiny than that.

[Beyondthesea]

And I want you to know, the first month was hell. He phoned me at all hours, screaming in my ear. He showed up pounding at the door, showed up places I was at, followed me, left me notes, engagement rings, send flowers, phoned, cried, begged and pleaded, went to all sorts of treatment, etc. It's all a joke when they are that far gone mentally.

 

Sadly you have to be the one to stand up and say enough is enough. The relationship isn't continuing, and you don't want to see her anymore. when she says "I'm going to kill myself" say "well I'll phone an ambulance in 5 minutes" sort of thing.

 

Immediately she is going to try talking to you over and over again. Everytime she phones, don't answer, hang up, etc. If she shows up places, leave and go home. Your family should NOT allow her in the house and should threaten to call the police.

 

It honestly gets absolutely out of control, that's why you have to do something now.

 

And by the way, my ex didn't kill himself. He's still out torturing people everywhere. I'm sure your ex will do the same once she's done putting on a show for you.

[tylercdurden2004]

Wow so she guilts you into buying her stuff. Why do you let her carrying on with her goldsdiggin' ways? Really its all about you. If you hate it soooo much why do you go back?

[TheDoctor]

Wow so she guilts you into buying her stuff. Why do you let her carrying on with her goldsdiggin' ways? Really its all about you. If you hate it soooo much why do you go back?

 

 

Honestly, the biggest factor is that we've been through hell and back. Everytime we are down she acts so genuine, so like,'hey you and I have both been through hell and back you better not even think about it.' Wish it was for real though

[Beyondthesea]

Doc, that's classic abuser. The moment you're ready to walk, she's back to what you think is 'normal.' Sadly, that isn't the case. '

 

What she thinks is normal is the way she is treating you all the time. Thinking she is going to change is absolutely ridiculous and unreasonable.

 

The past is the best predictor of the future.

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Pick your phrase, it will probably apply!

 

Did you ever read the loser article? She is it man.

[TheDoctor]

Doc, that's classic abuser. The moment you're ready to walk, she's back to what you think is 'normal.' Sadly, that isn't the case. '

 

What she thinks is normal is the way she is treating you all the time. Thinking she is going to change is absolutely ridiculous and unreasonable.

 

The past is the best predictor of the future.

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Pick your phrase, it will probably apply!

 

Did you ever read the loser article? She is it man.

 

I know shes a loser, but that's what makes me feel bad. She is self destructive and I feel without me she will explode so bad, but I see now even with me she is doing the same except shes bringing me down with her as well.

[Beyondthesea]

That's how I felt too, but sadly I had to get to the point where I realized that each person has to look after him/herself.

 

Why is it up to us to babysit the losers of the world? It's not. People don't normally tolerate those kinds of relationships. No one has to. YOU don't have to.

 

At this point, it's all up to you. If you want to stay and suffer or if you want to break out and break free.

 

She has no one to blame but herself.

[coollady1957]

I know shes a loser, but that's what makes me feel bad. She is self destructive and I feel without me she will explode so bad, but I see now even with me she is doing the same except shes bringing me down with her as well.

 

You are so right about that ^. She is going to self destruct and take you down with her, and fast if you do not end this completely and permanently.

 

I think you know what you need to do, and you must somehow find the will and determination to go through with it.

 

This certainly seems like a deep " fatal attraction" thing going on with her. This girl is quite disturbed, she doesn't take NO for an answer, and keeps showing up at your place.

 

For you own sake, future, and well being,,,,,,,,,, END IT !! the quicker the better.

[TheDoctor]

Ok thank you guys alot, I'll let you know what happens soon.

[life_laugh_love]

click her into the psychward? Sometimes they are willing to do it themselves.