she doesnt want children

[cdm26]

Hi, I'm looking for any advice at all for this issue. My girlfriend does not want kids at all in her life... there are many factors contributing to this, i.e., not being able to provide financially the way her parents did, no tolerance for kids, not wanting responsibility and the list gets uglier as she tells it.

 

I, on the other hand, would love to be ready for a child someday. And while its not a deep selfish need, it is something I have imagined.

 

Now... this woman I love for everything but this difference.

 

Do we end??? I've suggested a therapist but my gf only replies with "we already know she will tell us to split" etc. What if I'm never ready to have children? What if I am?

 

My heart breaks every second. I dont want to lose us. Any opinions?

[InaneCathode]

Either she'll have to at some point want children, or you're going to have to stop wanting them, or you'll break up.

I would suggest a therapist for her at least to diagnose why she doesnt want kids. It's not like not liking icecream, or roller coasters. It's not liking the very reason you exist.

Imho people who dont want kids shouldnt, and the problem should solve itself <_ kidding>

[PRSOV]

How old are the two of you?

[CarnelianButterfly]

If she doesn't want children, it is her body, so it is her choice ultimately. Children are a heavy load on a woman's body, on a family's finances, emotionally demanding, and they require a lot of time. If you want children, but she doesn't you can not try to force her or coerce her into changing her mind, she will eventually resent you for it. She has to whole-heartedly want children for it to be a fair situation, not just for her, but for the children. You should respect her choice and if you suggest counseling do it but by not implying something is wrong but that you need a mediator in your discussion, neither of you are wrong, your wants differ and both of you are right. With a counselor guiding your discussion about this topic it could help you both to realize if you really are compatible as life partners..

[DN]

I agree it is her choice if she wants children. But you also have a right to choose to be with someone who shares your wish to have children.

 

It may well be that this is something that you cannot compromise. It would be very sad, probably for both of you, but I think it would be a mistake for either of you to give way to the other unless it were done wholeheartedly and with no recriminations.

[melrich]

Yeah first I think it is important to know how old your g/f is. Not wanting kids in your early 20s is probably a different statement to not wanting them in your early 30s.

 

If she is absolutely set in her way and it is not just a stage of life thing, and you want kids...then that is a pretty major incompatability you have there.

 

I'd say this to you. If you want kids, never give up on that to appease someone else. That is way too big a compromise to make.

[orgasmictofu]

It's not like not liking icecream, or roller coasters. It's not liking the very reason you exist.

 

 

Not wanting children is not a disease. It doesn't need to be "diagnosed". It's either you want them or you don't. I don't want children. It's just not compatible with my lifestyle. Sure, I might change in 10 or 15 years, but as of this point in my life, no kids out of these loins.

 

As for the OP, you need to reach some sort of compromise. Having children is a big part of one's life. I think having kids or not is one of those life values that need to be the same in a relationship. Again, unless you're willing to compromise if you're not so against the other way of life.

[InaneCathode]

Not wanting children is not a disease. It doesn't need to be "diagnosed". It's either you want them or you don't. I don't want children. It's just not compatible with my lifestyle. Sure, I might change in 10 or 15 years, but as of this point in my life, no kids out of these loins.

 

As for the OP, you need to reach some sort of compromise. Having children is a big part of one's life. I think having kids or not is one of those life values that need to be the same in a relationship. Again, unless you're willing to compromise if you're not so against the other way of life.

 

Not wanting children forever is what i'm referring to. I never said it was a disease, i said it was a very serious problem. Yes, problem. A human being is designed completely and absolutely for one purpose and one purpose only: To ensure the continuation of it's existence. Not wanting children is, to a great extent, at odds with that.

 

This isnt a commentary on people who dont want children temporarily. I dont want kids right now, financial, social, mental, and health reasons. I do however, want kids in the future.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I do however, want kids in the future.

Not everyone does, though. With the over population in the world more people need to say no to kids. I'm not interested in children, but that doesn't mean I'm denying my reason to live. Everyone has the right to chose to be childless, they are not obligated to have kids just because they themselves were born.

[tylercdurden2004]

Quite frankly you may need to start looking at finding someone who shares the same ideals as you and she needs to find someone who needs to share the same ideals as her. I personally want a family one day and wouldnt consider dating a girl who didnt. Although on the other hand if I never get married I am sure I will keep myself busy.

[InaneCathode]

Not everyone does, though. With the over population in the world more people need to say no to kids. I'm not interested in children, but that doesn't mean I'm denying my reason to live. Everyone has the right to chose to be childless, they are not obligated to have kids just because they themselves were born.

 

Theres only local overpopulation, not global. The planet has several hundred times the capacity than what we as a species are currently filling. I'm not suggesting children should be forced on people. I'm only suggesting that not wanting children isnt right. You have the right to do whatever you want short of harming other people.

People are born, people sometimes die in childhood, sometimes they die shortly after birth. Sometimes they die when they are 20. People die every single day. Just because there are X amount of births doesnt mean there are X amount of viable human adults.

Furthermore, a great deal of humans aren't capable of functioning fully and capably in society, so including them in an absolute population count is misleading.

 

Noone of sound mind can contradict the fact that Human beings were designed and built to make more human beings. How they choose to go about that is completely up to them.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Inane Cathode: I don't see any reason why not wanting kids would be a problem, or why the grrrl should see a therapist. It seems to me that that's nearly the same idea as trying to making a gay person straight.

 

And to the OP: I have to agree with the people who said "find someone who wants what you do".

[InaneCathode]

there are many factors contributing to this, i.e., not being able to provide financially the way her parents did, no tolerance for kids, not wanting responsibility and the list gets uglier as she tells it.

 

Thats why i was saying she should see a therapist, the "not tolerating" "not wanting responsibility" and potentially uglier part. Sorry if i didnt make that more clear.

It is a problem, she's essentially contradicting her existence. I don't have a problem with people finding that acceptable, but what i do have a problem with is people illustrating it as normal, it isnt, and it shouldnt ever be.

And as far as gay people goes, they fall under that same category.

[tylercdurden2004]

We are already seeing a problem with low birth rates concerning the baby boom bubble.

[InaneCathode]

We are already seeing a problem with low birth rates concerning the baby boom bubble.

 

Thanks for pointing that out, i completely forgot about that

[melrich]

A human being is designed completely and absolutely for one purpose and one purpose only: To ensure the continuation of it's existence.

 

That's a very interesting view of things. Looks like there are lots of people not doing or unable to do what they were designed for.

 

Not having kids is a perfectly valid choice and I note that more and more couples are electing to be childless. The main reason seems to be lifestyle issues, not population growth.

 

If your g/f does not want to have kids then you have to respect that. But equally you have the right to question whether that is compatable with your long term dreams.

[InaneCathode]

That's a very interesting view of things. Looks like there are lots of people not doing or unable to do what they were designed for.

 

I know, it's unfortunate. It's not like every person who doesnt is bad. It's just people who are perfectly capable of it choosing not to.

 

Not having kids is a perfectly valid choice and I note that more and more couples are electing to be childless. The main reason seems to be lifestyle issues, not population growth.

 

Again, it's unfortunate people dont choose to have kids based on arbitrary opinion. I dont recall suggesting not having kids isnt a valid choice, only that it's an unfortunate one and contrary to their existence.

 

As a closing thought before i go to bed (finally):

Human beings are essentially animals. If you look at a population of rabbits, theres a portion of them that arent able to have rabbitlettes. That doesnt say that they dont try, or that they wouldnt. That is to say that they physically cant.

Human beings are only different in that they care about the environment their humanlettes grow up in. A rabbit doesnt care if they're too many, or that theres not enough food, or that they'll go to hell if they have a rabbitlette out of wedlock. They simply try to have the rabbitlette, and if it works, and the rabbit is in a poor environment, then the rabbitlette dies. Simple as that.

Human beings wont have a child in an environment that won't support one. We wont have a kid when we cant afford to feed it, just let it die, and throw up our hands and say "oh well lets have another one later i guess"

Being a MUCH more complex organism in a MUCH more complex environment the one size fits all approach of just having as many babies as possible and letting them survive or not based on the environment isnt feasible, or morally right, thereforeee alot of people dont have children as the child wouldnt have the ideal conditions to grow up in.

This, in my mind, is what separates those who cannot physically have a child, or should not finacially, medically, emotionally, or morally have a child from those who just dont like kids, or dont like the thought of raising one. For me it comes off as subtely selfish.

 

PS So i dont have to repost pointing out where the key points are, i made them in bold

[artofdrowning]

that's tough, I mean I personaly don't want children, but I know peoples opinions can change maybe hers will?

If not it just a case of deciding if having children are more important to you than the relationship.. good luck

[RayKay]

Not having kids is a perfectly acceptable choice, I would say if someone knows that having kids is NOT for them, it is a much better scenario than someone whom clearly is NOT ready for kids having them. And I sure am glad people whom don't like kids DON'T have them! It does not matter to me why they don't like them, it would matter to me if they don't like them, have them and the children suffer because of that.

 

I am actually surprised that people here believe it's our reason for existence....what of those unable to have children due to medical/physical reasons? So is it advised that people whom are abusive, or have pedophilia should have kids to "serve their purpose"? What about those whom have significant genetic risks of passing serious, even deadly, illnesses on to their children? If they choose to not have them, is that somehow failing their "human destiny"?

 

But whom is to say that someone whom does not WANT them, because they know that they are just not suitable as parents is being selfish? Would it not be more selfish to have them KNOWING they will not be the parents they should be? And, do you even know all their reasons? Maybe they say because they don't want the responsibility, but maybe the issues are much bigger than that.

 

Sure, I do want children, when the time is right. That being said, it's also not a decision I take lightly because it is the biggest responsibility you can take on. I am not going to rush into it unless I am ready. And because of some certain medical history and risks, I am unsure at this point if it is the best thing to do either. I have some years to think about it though, as I am going back to school anyway so no kids for a while!

 

Anyway, to the original poster. It is fine for your girlfriend to not want children. And it is fine for you to want them. But...I would say this is a dealbreaker. For me, there are certain big things that are dealbreakers, and these involve the common goals for the relationship together. Would you ever be happy if she NEVER had them (which it sounds like she is leaning towards) and so you did not either? Would it really be fair to her, or the children, if she had them at your persistence but really neglected to be a good mother to those kids?

 

I can't tell you WHAT to do, but I will say that coercing her to change her mind, or coercing yourself to pretend it does not matter probably will not result in a happy ending for either of you, or for any kids if they do come along.

 

She may be great, but if this is important to you, then this is obviously a bit incompatibility. And there are women out there whom will share the same desire and goal as you do to have children.

 

I wonder why she is afraid of therapy? My guess is either she does not want you to break up with her over it...but nor does she want to have them of course. Or she is set in her stance on this anyway, so does not see how therapy would help that...and therapy is not designed to change our mind about things like that either!

[InaneCathode]

stuff

 

Maybe you didnt read what i wrote, but it covers what you're concerned about.

[melrich]

This, in my mind, is what separates those who cannot physically have a child, or should not finacially, medically, emotionally, or morally have a child from those who just dont like kids, or dont like the thought of raising one. For me it comes off as subtely selfish.

 

I'm sorry but this is not fair. You should never judge people by their choices in this type of matter.

 

It's not like every person who doesnt is bad. It's just people who are perfectly capable of it choosing not to.

 

People who are capable of having children but choose not to are bad?

 

That is just ridiculous.

[Aurian]

I don't want children either. Does that make me a bad human being? No, it makes me a human being who does not want to make a decision that would be bad for me and bad for the child that would not be wanted.

 

Telling someone to have children because they are born for it is really sad. It invalidates all the accomplishments a person can have, reducing their life to having X offspring.

 

I do not want children because I am physically handicapped and would pass on those genes. I do not want children because I have no liking for children. I do not want children because I know it is a huge responsibility, emotional, physical, mental and financial. I do not think I am right for this responsibility. Its hardly as if there is any shortage of children in this world, just look at the number who are aborted, abandoned or given up for fosterage or adoption. The world does not need one more unwanted child.

 

I am 27 btw, and I never wanted children and am 99% sure I never will want them either.

 

I am offended that you say I am selfish. I think it would be more selfish to bring a human being into this world just because peer pressure says all women want/need to be mommies.

[InaneCathode]

I've said all that can possibly be said in regards to my feelings on the topic.

If you can't bother to read what i have posted previously then i'd hazard to say you have no right to challenge me on things i never said.

If anyone is looking for a debate on this i'll be more than happy to start a thread. At this point I will stop posting here as the thread wasnt started for this topic and i dont feel its fair to keep hijacking this guy's thread

 

Afterthought:

I know it's less exciting to not post something on a controversial topic. But it saves so much more space, and so much more time if readers would actually read what someone has posted instead of taking an out of context phrase or idea and posting on that alone.

[melrich]

an out of context phrase or idea and posting on that alone.

 

Inane Cathode I would be very happy if I have taken your words, "It's not like every person who doesnt is bad. It's just people who are perfectly capable of it choosing not to." out of context because it is a horrible thought.

 

But if I misconstrued what you were saying then others probably have too, because basically these words say that people who are perfectly capable of having children and don't are bad. There is no alternative context around this in your post.

 

I've said all that can possibly be said in regards to my feelings on the topic.

If you can't bother to read what i have posted previously

 

No, No, No, No and No. Don't expect people to have read all your previous posts to threads on this subject. These forums do not work that way. I have no idea what you have posted in other threads so I have no context from other posts. I read all your posts in this thread and that is it. It is not my responsibility to go and find other threads you have posted to for context.

 

When you post, assume that people will not be referencing material you have posted elsewhere.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Human beings wont have a child in an environment that won't support one. We wont have a kid when we cant afford to feed it, just let it die, and throw up our hands and say "oh well lets have another one later i guess"

Being a MUCH more complex organism in a MUCH more complex environment the one size fits all approach of just having as many babies as possible and letting them survive or not based on the environment isnt feasible, or morally right, thereforeee alot of people dont have children as the child wouldnt have the ideal conditions to grow up in.

But there are people who have children who are not in environments that are able to support a child. Look at all of the poverty and starving children in the world, children happen when they shouldn't, but poor education and the idea we should breed like rabbits keeps them coming.

 

This, in my mind, is what separates those who cannot physically have a child, or should not finacially, medically, emotionally, or morally have a child from those who just dont like kids, or dont like the thought of raising one. For me it comes off as subtely selfish.

 

Would it be moral to have a child you don't like? Would it be good for the child to be raised in the environment where they are resented and only exist because their parents felt obligated to have children because they were able to? You say that every one should produce children, but do you honestly think of the children and the life they will have? That should be the first and foremost thought; how that child's life will be if they are born. I don't want children because I don't feel that I would be as capable a mother as I think would be needed to raise a good person. I like only a few children that are well raised and are well cared for. The children I don't like generally reflect on the parents that had them did not think through discipline, teaching the child and raising a person. Most people see children as a part of the suburban dream, house, car, kids, another status symbol.

 

Inane Cathode I would be very happy if I have taken your words, "It's not like every person who doesnt is bad. It's just people who are perfectly capable of it choosing not to." out of context because it is a horrible thought.

 

I totally agree, this sentiment is stand alone and not just horrible, but it is discriminatory. Its like saying all people without pets are bad, or cars or TV's. Children are necessary to continue the race, but not every person able to bare children will raise good people.