Am I really responsible?

[Mayfairuk]

After 4 years of going out with this man, I am left crushed. I don't understand what I have been through and feel completely filthly that I fell in love with a total stranger, he ate at my table, he slept in my bed. Not once was I invited to his home, I was never invited to his mothers home...not even sure if she is aware I exist. I have had his ex-wife thrown down my throat at every opportunity...infact if he is to be believed she controls my life. He has his children to stay at his 7 nights a week, this means he can never take me out, we can never go on a short break. But on a regular basis I am accused of not "giving him " sex, I ask how that is possible when he has the children 7 nights per week...Apparently I could just get on with acts when he comes round (regardless that I have 2 teenage sons living with me) occasionaly we make arrangements to go out or have a break, but it has become a waste of time for I have noticed that an argument is created just before which ends up with all arrangements being called off. He has very violent outbursts that can be terrifying...usually its down to me causing this. He has accused me of making him physically ill (he accused his ex wife of trying to poison him) he broke her jaw for that. I worry with some of the comments he comes out with when he is furious, and am now starting to doubt if I have become the frigid icemaiden he knows I am. I don't understand why he tells me what his male friends get up to in bed with their girlfriends, the descriptions are very graphic and quite nauseating. He sends me texts describing what people are doing to him sexually...I dont know how I am supposed to respond to this. He also appears to have an odd fascination with those who have passed on, his car regularly has items froms peoples graves, small pebbles, bits of silk flowers, he always claims that it is from a friends recent burial. I knew he was a bit of a bad boy when I first met him, he claimed his lifestyle revolved round his ex wife. I could not see any problem for us as I am completely different to her...I have a profession and come from a normal middle class background...we had family problems like most families do but nothing I would regard as out of the ordinary...but he is trying to convince me I was abused as a child (I most certainly was not) Since being with him my life has totally changed. I dont socialise, I have no friends, I have lost jobs due to his friends sending abusive texts and threatening my colleagues. I have been beaten up by his friends twice. I have been evicted from my rented home by a gang of 8 with baseball bats and guns (he sat at the end of the street and shook thier hands) I asked why he didnt assist "oh you looked liked you could handle yourself" was his reply. He is constantly breaking promises and just does not appear to be there when something happens...I was rushed into hospital a week ago, my 15 year old was unable to contact him for the entire day to let him know what was happening. I have had my ID stolen, and due to this my credit rating is total rubbish now, before he was around I had a bank account, credit card etc. Now I have a savings account, I am unable to get anything else. I cant prove he has done this but I just get the feeling that my whole life over the past few years has been manipulated...I dont know how and I dont know why, all I know is I feel completely ridiculus that at my age I have allowed someone to do that to me. Can anyone give me a hint of what sort of person I am dealing with? He has been "dumped" a week ago, but I know what tactics he will use to get back into my life...I feel like he is stealing my very existence...how and when will it stop?

[Beec]

Are you responsible for not seeing things as they happened? Not all of it, certainly not. But now you know what he is like, and yes, form her on out, you are responsible to do the right thing for yourself and your family. That, of course, is to keep him out of your lives.

 

A classic abuser puts you down and then lifts you up, and when you get lifted up you feel great. Then the abuser puts you back down, further and longer than before, and then lifts you up so you feel even higher than you did the first time. And the lows get lower, and the highs feel higher, and the abuse victim gets addicted to the highs. Go cold turkey from here on out.

 

He's a drug you need to quit.

[flower99]

it will only stop when you take your life back.

Take control of your life & get as FAR away as possible & never let him back in.

No your not responsible for seeing things earlier, but now that you have seen these things, you are responsible for staying. I'm not sure exactly the kind of person he is (but I can come up with many names) But don't take the time to find out, You know it's one you don't want so remove yourself & family.

 

I'm so sorry for all you that's happened. And I pray that no more will happen.

Please end it for good & get far away & dont' let him ever know where. stay strong

[Mayfairuk]

Hi Notoogreen,

 

Tnak you for the advise, it gives me strength and understanding. The link about Losers was actually quite frightening, almost everypoint I identified with. The Psychotic Loser was particularly enlightening. Yes, my ex used to constantly claim he had been in and out of jail for various nasties (I often asked why he would think that would impress me, little knowing that it wasnt meant to impress but intimidate) He obviously knew every "gangster" in the area and claimed that even decent people where a bit on the shady side, or he had helped them become millionaires, or he built their houses etc.

I remember one night I actually took dangerous evasive action on the road believing that I was in danger by a rival "Mobster" All I now realise to be complete fairy tales.

I remember when I first started going out with him I received at my home address photos of his his children and ex wife, with a message enclosed that simply said "Never" he claimed it was from his ex, and that I was in for a rough ride as she wanted him back and had 8 burley brothers. I remember I approached his ex directly, not for confrontation but to clarrify if this man was even single and able to have a relationship with me. She and her new partner lived together and seemed to be blistfully happy. His teenage daughter was then blamed...again I was getting completely different stories to the extent that I didnt know who was "out to get me" Now I know. This was about the same time someone had tampered with the brakes on my company car...the threat was very real.

Once again thank you for assisting me to get a better understanding as to what I have been experiencing...Now I feel I can make an informed descision...and that is to stay well away from him for good.

 

ps It was also interesting to note that these people fall in love or want o commit very early on in the relationship. He proposed 4 weeks into the relationship...over 4 years later there is no ring on my finger still...all my fault naturally, if I didnt keep dumping him or losing my temper when the moon is full we would be happily married in a mansion by now. (I feel like such a fool for falling for this nonsense)

[nottoogreen]

Hi Mayfairuk,

 

Thank you for your feedback. I am glad you realize to stay away from him.

 

My 2nd ex-wife was a psychotic loser too, being able of unprovoked physical attacks which my 200lb reasonably fit frame found hard to subdue. I have met the psychotic loser also in form of "friends" at times operating in pairs as well when one talks big, the other small.

 

They do NOT fall in love as they do not know what love is. I am sure of that, IMHO they need someone to use and abuse. My 2nd ex married at least once while married to me (bigamy).

 

I am glad the worst of your pain is over!

[sonjam]

Mayfair, if is not your fault that you got trapped into this horrible horrible relationship. They don't start out that way you know. In the beginning of the relationships they are the perfect b/f, they are everything you ever wanted in a man, and more, and only later, when you are snared, do they start to show their true colours. The reason we stay in relationships like this, is because we hope and pray the person we met and fell in love with is still in there somewhere. THE SAD TRUTH IS , IT WASN'T THE REAL THEM. It's a very well rehearsed con, it happened to ALL of us. Me included. The best thing (and hardest) for you to do now, is get rid of him, of this threat and horrible relationship, and go through with it!!

[flower99]

Wow, the more I read about this guy, the more disgusted (sorry if that seems harsh) I am by him.

Oh darling, I'm so happy you will be able to make an informed descision that you feel good about & will be good for you.

Stay strong, and don't feel like a fool. We have ALL been fooled by someone.

 

Nottogreen- thank you for the how to spot a loser link...that was the perfect discription. (sorry about your ex)

[Mayfairuk]

Thank you flower for your feedback. No you were not being harsh, infact you only said what I am feeling now.

 

Im dreading tomorrow...its his birthday...in the past If I had the cheek to ignore birthdays, even his childrens, easter, christmas and the like I have always received days of abusive texts and phone calls. I am made fully aware what a selfish individual I really am.

 

I am made to feel that I should be honouring him and his children in some way,(he infact stated that his home and family were "sacred". I am deeply ashamed to say that in the beginning I wanted to make friends have have a good relationship with his children...over the past year or so I used to dread them coming round. If I cooked the wrong sort of food he would go mad, If one of the kids wanted a private talk he would send them away and scream abuse at me...horrible things, things that made me feel like I was doing grave damage to their welfare.

 

Anyway, I digress the children were not the problem, he was, I still dread tomorrow.

[lilac_indi]

hey...if he does send text messages, dont read them - just delete them to spare yourself from the abuse that it contains.

 

if he calls..simple dont answer it - if you see any number you dont recognise or it is withheld then dont pick up. i have a feeling he will try anything to contact you that day.

 

take care and keep us posted

[nottoogreen]

You also can make a NC=No Contact log here in this thread, we will encourage you. The first few weeks, will be hardest, there will be more and more good days.

[flower99]

Oh wow, how did it go? any problems? are you okay?

[Mayfairuk]

Hey folks,

Im back....went away for a while...am safe

[nottoogreen]

Hi Mayfairuk!

 

Welcome back and glad you are safe.

 

Meanwhile, eNotaAlone has a Journal forum, starting a journal may help you heal. We also read it and encourage you!

[Mayfairuk]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom, you gave me strength...you really did and I thank you all once again. I was nice to hear that there was something wrong and that I wasnt going mad...I flew in the face of what he was trying to "brainwash" me into believing. At work I am a totally different person...I was beginning to believe I was turning Skizto or something...I was really beginning to lose me. Now I remember who I am, where I came from, and have a clue where I am going. (I have remembered what I dreamt of as a kid)

[sonjam]

Mayfair, welcome back hun. Are you ok, is he still history, how are you feeling? I've been really worried about you!