Coming out as a Bisexual to my boyfriend PLEASE HELP!

[adayatthebeach]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now. We have started talking about marriage and I know he is the one that I am going to spend my life with. There are absolutely no doubts in my mind.

 

The thing is, even though we have been dating for a year and a half, and I know he is the one for me, he doesn't know that I am a bisexual. To be honest, not one of my friends or family members know that I am a bisexual. I was raised in a very Catholic household and bisexuality and being gay were always things that my family made out to be horrible. My mother always told me that I would be disowned if I ever became a lesbian. So when I discovered I was attracted to not just men but women too, I thought something was wrong with me for a long time.

 

I had always been a little more attracted to men than women so I stuck to dating just men. I didn't want any of my gal pals being creeped out or thinking that I was attracted to them like that (since they were all straight), when I wasn't. Plus, I realized my bisexuality in junior high. Dealing with that during that vulnerable time in my life just wasn't something I was willing to do.

 

After I held it in for a couple years, it wasn't really a problem in my life. I didn't mind that no one knew. I was happy in all the relationships I was in while they lasted. Though, I was always to worried about my bisexuality being a reason for someone I cared about to break up with me, so I didn't tell my boyfriends either. Plus, I figured that unless the relationship got REALLY serious, there was no reason for my boyfriend to know anyway.

 

Now things are completely different. My relationship IS really serious. I don't want to feel like I am lying to my boyfriend anymore, especially when he is soon to be my fiance and later my husband.

 

I am really serious about telling him about this. I even got a new user name on this website, because I know he's looked around here before, and I don't want him to know from a post, before he hears it from me.

 

I just don't know how to go about telling him when I've lived with this secret for half my life. I've known my current boyfriend since highschool, we were friends... so in his mind I've been straight for my whole life. I'm worried about how he'll react since I have never had to deal with someone's reaction on this before! Please, if anyone has any advice at all about how I can approach him with this it would be REALLY appriciated!

 

Has anyone out there ever had this experience with a significant other?

[arwen]

In the forum you posted in, there is a similar topic by HappyTown, called "I'm living in fear". You might want to read that topic, he is going through pretty much the same thing.

 

I think it's good that you want to tell him, especially since the two of you are considering marriage. You sound very sure of this relationship, and I think he will be ok with it. What I have learned from many messages on the gay/lesbian/bi forum here, is that sexuality is not black or white, but more like a spectrum (I think it was Ballys who put it this way).

 

Tell him what you told us. I think he will be ok with it.

 

Ilse

[DN]

I assume that you intend to be faithful to him and would not cheat with either men or women. And that you don't think that sex with him will be a problem in any way because of your bi-sexuality.

 

If all that is true, what purpose would be served by telling him or anyone else? But it could make him doubt your intention to remain faithful.

[Spugly Fuglet]

What DN says is 100% right, If you drop the gender and just think of each human you meet as some one you do or do not find atrative then it becomes easy to hold that in your mind and you then ask yourself will I be unfaithful with a 3ed human out side my realtionship.

 

But if your say you feel you have to tell your BF/GF that you find all forms of human sexilty atractive and you wish them to let you show that, as DN put it what would that do to them?

 

But are you asking that your BF/GF let you explare your bi-sexuality by some how convincing them that same sex is not you being unfaithful?

 

That I feel is wrong, dos not matter with who unfaithful is unfaithful

[nottoogreen]

Hi adayatthebeach,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

My gf is bi-courious and I have a lesbian fetish.

 

Am I right in that your relatioships with women were relatively long ago and none after being together with your bf? If so IMHO you were merely bi-courious and today you are likely straight.

 

Young people experiment a lot, perhaps young men more so and bi-curiosity is natural.

 

About talking to him, it depends. If he is open minded about social, religious and sexual and homosexual matters, I suggest you talk to him. Sharing the experiences may be fun, you may hear some surprising things from him too. Be prepared.

 

If he is conservative, put your experiences into a mental box marked "Youth Experiences - Do Not Open".

 

Please keep us posted.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I .. why do you need to tell him?

 

I can appreciate it might feel good if he knows "the whole you", but if he's the one for you, no one else in your life knows so won't tell him....why open a hypothetical can of worms?

 

What happens if he starts to wonder

 

a) Why hasn't she told me before?

b) Will she want to experiment with dating girls?

 

I really wouldn't tell him, to be honest. If he asks you that's different and of course you should be tactful and honest....but it seems unecessary to tell him as part of a heterosexual marriage!

 

I am bisexual to the extent that I am more Gay than I am straight - I'd say about 70% girls, 30% guys. I told my boyfriend within 2 weeks of my orientation and he was fine with it - but if I hadn't told him, I wouldn't do so now!

[BellaDonna]

Maybe there is a way for you to tell him that does not have to be so serious and profound. You can give him the idea that you find women attractive- so you're not lying/holding anything back- but do so in a way where it not a "big deal". If you make a big deal out of it- he will likely think it's a big deal

 

Example: How open are the 2 of you when it comes to talking about sexual fantasies? (I would hope that you are open if you're getting married....) If the topic comes up and he asks you a fantasy of yours -tell him you've always had a bisexual fantasy about being with a woman. That's really all you need to say. As DN stated, if you plan on being faithful to him- it doesn't matter. A fantasy is a fantasy, it doesn't mean you'll act on it. Be sure he knows that.

 

An approach like that might be less dramatic/intense to him. I think it would be easier instead saying : "We need to talk, I've been keeping a secret from you for a long time bisexual" I think that's a no no in this situation.

 

Again, I truly believe that of you make a huge deal about it- then he will make a huge deal about it. It's all about the delivery of the info, and there are tactful ways to ease the info in without having to make it a dramatic situation.

 

BellaDonna

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Hey you sound just like me!!!! But I'm not really into telling my girlfriend, because I think that would make it into something it's not.

 

It's really an important question? Why are you telling? Have you been lying? If it's a serious relationship then surely it doesnt matter? If you're serious, why does your past have to be total and open?

 

As long as you 're not lying , which is bad, having your own life is fine. But I'm totally biased anyway- and I know I want my partner to know about my homosexual relationships- but is it really a good idea to out of the blue just explain it? I mean did you ever have a really messy breakup when you did something really horrible to someone? Does your partner need to know about that too?

 

We are too often trying to define ourselves by our past experiences. They make us who we are but that doesnt mean we have to show everyone. You love him- you want to be with him- whats the problem?

[adayatthebeach]

I assume that you intend to be faithful to him and would not cheat with either men or women. And that you don't think that sex with him will be a problem in any way because of your bi-sexuality.

 

If all that is true, what purpose would be served by telling him or anyone else? But it could make him doubt your intention to remain faithful.

 

 

I've never cheated in a relationship and have had no problem staying faithful this far. I don't plan on changing that. I am in a steady relationship for a reason. But yes I am worried that he might think cheating could be more possible. because of this

 

Am I right in that your relatioships with women were relatively long ago and none after being together with your bf? If so IMHO you were merely bi-courious and today you are likely straight.

 

nottogreen, I will admit that I am still a bisexual. I do find women very attractive. I will openly admit that I watch pornography (my b/f knows, and doesn't mind, he watches it too... it's not a weekly or even monthly thing) when I do watch it, I am not even aroused by watching a man and a woman together and instead opt to watch two women together. I have never really doubted that I am still bi.

He is also very open about sexuality. One of his best friends from high school (they are so close that this friend will be in our wedding) is gay.

 

Also a couple people asked, why tell him. I know, as someone put it, it is hypothetically opening a can or worms. I just don't feel comfortable with the thought of holding this in for my whole life with this man. I am relatively young, I have a long life in front of me. He still has secrets from me after a year and a half. I'm okay with that, I know they are all on major things that have happened in his life. He'll tell me when he's ready... no matter how long into the relationship. So I have secrets too, and after a year and a half I am ready to tell this one. He's the one person on this earth whose feelings about this matter.

[adayatthebeach]

Also, thank you to everyone who supported my decision and did not put it down!

[nottoogreen]

I see your long-term thinking.

 

What are his attitudes toward homosexuality?

 

How will you handle it without girls?

 

I happen to be more aroused by two women and am turned off by two men. I can talk with my gf about women - we can sit and look at girls together including live lesbian shows and openly talk about it. We also have the odd threesome - without penetration, thats only for her. Could he do that?

 

Longterm - If you are bi, you may miss it at times, it may become an issues 10 years down the road. Perhaps talking to him in a way as suggested by earlier posters may be best.

[adayatthebeach]

I see your long-term thinking.

 

What are his attitudes toward homosexuality?

 

How will you handle it without girls?

 

I happen to be more aroused by two women and am turned off by two men. I can talk with my gf about women - we can sit and look at girls together including live lesbian shows and openly talk about it. We also have the odd threesome - without penetration, thats only for her. Could he do that?

 

Longterm - If you are bi, you may miss it at times, it may become an issues 10 years down the road. Perhaps talking to him in a way as suggested by earlier posters may be best.

 

As I said one of his best friends is gay so I know that he is open about people and their sexuality. He does have threesome fantasies, but anything about me and other women will have to be worked out in time. I think I have to take this one stepping stone at a time. The first stepping stone is telling him.

[melrich]

I really don't get why you are telling him. If you plan to be faithful to him whilst you are in a relationship who cares if you like other girls, blondes, tall men, amputees, overweight people or skinny people.

 

It really doesn't matter. If you feel awkward telling him or are unsure how he will respond...don't say anything.

 

Being in a relationship does not have to equate to spilling your guts.

[adayatthebeach]

I really don't get why you are telling him. If you plan to be faithful to him whilst you are in a relationship who cares if you like other girls, blondes, tall men, amputees, overweight people or skinny people.

 

It really doesn't matter. If you feel awkward telling him or are unsure how he will respond...don't say anything.

 

Being in a relationship does not have to equate to spilling your guts.

 

 

I guess I'm worried that it will come out in ten or fifteen years from now either on accident or because he figured it out from fantasies we talk about or something. I mean, isn't telling him after a year and a half better than him finding out in ten or twenty years after we are married.

[melrich]

Not really. I found out my partner was bi about 2 years after we got together. And she had actually had a couple of same sex relationships. From what you have posted I think as far as you have gone is been attracted to the same sex?

 

To me it is just sort of incidental information, like do you like blondes or brunettes/tall men, short men.

 

I mean obviously it is maybe a bit deeper than that but what I mean is that it's not something that necessarily needs to be disclosed unless you want to act on your attraction to the same sex, and it doesn't sound like you do.

 

so if it comes out in a few years that you are sometimes attracted to other women...so what. By that time hopefully he will be secure enough in your relationship to be able to handle it.

[adayatthebeach]

Maybe this is true melrich, but I guess I just think that I personally would feel more comfortable in this relationship if I could tell him this.

[nottoogreen]

Hi adayatthebeach,

 

Better go for it, it's part of you, and as you get older, it may be a bigger part of you (my gf is 36 and her couriosity has increased).

 

Have you ever denied it?

 

He may have an idea already - I had an idea about my gf and asked her. I obviously had no problem with it.

 

When talking about fantasies may be the best time. "I want to tell you about my feelings towards women, I feel I am bi".

 

He may ask if you cheated - which you didn't.

 

Keep it cool also if he hots up a bit, but I think it's not a problem to tell him. It will just require communication and honest handling of the situation.

 

It is better for you in the long run!

[melrich]

Maybe this is true melrich, but I guess I just think that I personally would feel more comfortable in this relationship if I could tell him this.

 

Then tell him. Again, what is the big deal if you guys are committed to each other. It's not like your telling him you murdered 2 fellow students when you were in fifth grade.

 

Just tell him you are sometimes attracted to other women.

[adayatthebeach]

nottogreen

 

Thank you so much for all your input! It is really nice to have a guy giving me all this advice. Specially since your coming from the side that my boyfriend will be on, and from a similar situation.

 

Also, no I have never denied this with my boyfriend. To be honest it really has never come up... if it had come up he would probably no my secret by now, I don't lie to him.

[PittItaliano]

I say go for it adayatthebeach. Don't listen to all these people questioning you about your motives. If you want to do this, then do it. It sounds like you have a very secure relationship, and that telling your boyfriend won't effect your status together right now. If that's the case all that could come from telling him this is a stronger relationship.

[PittItaliano]

just wondering if you've decided when you are going to tell ur boyfriend about this?