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i cant wait untill my dad dies!


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i kno its a mean thing to say and that a child shouldnt say this but i really cant wait until my dad dies....which should be in a few years because hes 71.

i hate him so damn much!!!!!! i hate him for everything hes done and everything hes said. i hate him for blaming everyone else for his problems. i hate him for making me feel scared when hes around. i hate him for calling my sister a * * * * *. i hate him for hitting my brother. i hate him for making everyone around him feel worthless. i hate him for hurting my mom. i hate that he tries to apologize by giving me money. i hate his temper. i hate that his family always sides with him. i hate how sick he makes me. i hate the way my brother and sister resent me because of him.

no one needs to reply or comment, this is just really my only way of venting

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I realize you aren't looking for a response, but your post upset me so much that you are going to get one- this will be my way of venting.

 

My father was very ill and almost died about 18 months ago. He is 65. This man has been the light of my life since I was born, and the role model to which I compare all other men... they are tough shoes to fill.

 

He was a strict disciplinarian when we were growing up (there are 4 of us). If we mouthed off, we got punished. If we disrespected our parents, we got punished. If we broke the law or hurt someone (siblings included) we were punished. I spent alot of time getting the rough side of his tongue. Alot of time grounded. The occasional back of his hand. We were taught that there were actions for our consequences. We were taught how to be responsible.

 

When I was your age I had my moments too. I sometimes wished my parents would let me go and live on my own so I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I thought I knew everything. Most teens think that. I didn't have a clue. Most teens don't.

 

Now that I am an adult with my own life and my own responsibilities, I understand so much more what my parents went through running a home and raising four kids... paying bills, loving and guiding us, running a smooth home, owning a business and keeping it together with one another for 35 years... and I am in awe. It is not easy being a parent. Ask anyone on here who has children. Especially parents of a teenager, who is struggling to find their own independance while still under the thumbs of their parents.

 

As my parents get older and their health fails them, I dread the day when I will lose them. My dad has been a guide for me on how to live my life from day one. He is honest, loving, hardworking, respectful, kind, generous... I could go on, but you get the picture.

 

When we almost lost him and he was in the hospital this last time, I layed awake at night, a nursing student myself, trying to think of ways to save him. I was devestated that he might be gone. Now that he has improved, I am elated to have that second chance with him.

 

I realize that your relationship with your father is different. Everyone's is. You are young. You have alot of growing up to do. Give yourself some time and space to learn how to be an adult as you get older and see if you don't feel differently.

 

PS- My boyfriend's father was burned to death when he was just two years old. He feels he missed out on alot by not having the chance to bond with his dad and have him as a role model in his life. He's right. Be careful what you wish for.

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Feelings are feelings- and I'm not trying to convince you to abandon them.

 

I just think it's truly sad and unfortunate that you have to feel that way. Just try to remember to be the bigger person. I think it will help you in the future so that you will not have to look back and have regrets. Holding on to anger like that can really cripple you and weigh you down.

 

My own husband had a very bad mom. He has not said exactly what you've said here about wishing his mother would die- and looking forward to it- but he has mentioned that he feels no connection to her and he thinks he will be apathetic when she does die. This really worries me- but she did so many horrible things to him in the past (like abandoning him and his siblings for a drug addiction) that I can't say I blame him. I just try to tell him to be the bigger person- I think it's better for your heart and soul in the end.

 

 

BellaDonna

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I agree with Bella on this.

 

"Hating" someone requires energy and effort, which could better be used towards something constructive such as improving your own life and situation. I've always found that holding onto such feelings poisons my soul and makes me feel ill...I'd prefer to use that energy for something positive.

 

Did you have any type of relationship with your father when you were younger? A little kid? Any good memories?

 

What's he like? (good and bad)...

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I agree with Bella on this.

 

"Hating" someone requires energy and effort, which could better be used towards something constructive such as improving your own life and situation. I've always found that holding onto such feelings poisons my soul and makes me feel ill...I'd prefer to use that energy for something positive.

 

Did you have any type of relationship with your father when you were younger? A little kid? Any good memories?

 

What's he like? (good and bad)...

 

i had a bad relationship with him since i was...7 or 8 i think...and no good memories that i remember...he has fits of rage...a lot

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well im glad u had a relationship like that with your dad but i dont have that....i HATE HATE HATE HATE my dad and i really do mean what i say...even when im an adult im pretty sure that i wont regret what i just said. im not even sure that im going to shead a tear when he does die

 

Not to be patronising but have you any idea how many hormones are racing through your body right now? you are still developing, growing, and feelings are always much more intense, love, hate, anger.

 

I hated my dad at your age, he hit my mum, he hit me, i had to go to hospital and have stitches in my leg (where he had pushed me onto the floor onto broken ceramic which he had thrown at my mum!) I didnt speak to him for months, i feared him, i cried all the time. I realised it was because I actually loved him (on a hidden level granted) that I was so angry, because I felt so betrayed and so let down, it was as though my sub conscious was screaming "I love you how can you treat me this way? i have never done anything to you?! why dont you love me?" the fact that he apologised and begged made me realise that he had made a mistake, a pretty big one and i said I wished he had of died, infact i used to pray to god to take him so that i didnt have to say goodbye, because for someone to die, its the end and you dont have to hurt anymore, we think, but we do.

 

Im so glad that I made friends with my dad, I live on my own, and we still row every now and again but he is sorry and he had a bad time himself growing up and it was the only way he knew how to show his anger, his feelings. I would be devestated to lose him now.

 

I know you hate that your father gives you money to apologise but its the only way he knows how, why dont you tell him, say to him "my forgiveness cannot be bought" if you are afriad of him tell him, he will no doubt be mortified.

 

Years later and I still get fearful when my dad drinks and i know that he would be devestated if he knew that. I can understand that you feel you hate your dad now and that it is scary, but its the feeling that is beneath that to cause such a reaction, its not fair, we all want a perfect father, lke in the movies but the truth is every person carries their own amount of s**t, look past the behaviour and see the person. Is he really a bad person underneath?

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Is he really a bad person underneath?

 

perhaps...but i dont wanna kno. i dont want anything to do with him....

 

my brother is a big hunter...he loves to hunt and has lots of guns and knifes...when he USE to live here me and him were both afraid of him having guns and knives in the house in fear of my dad shooting us when he got mad...i dont want anything to do with my dad

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Love your rapist, love your abuser? No way, suicide seems better.

 

Venting anger towards abusers is essential part of recovery.

 

I'd like to make a suggestion for another forum, a venting and ranting forum where moderators could move this kind of thread. This thread for example does not belong into this forum as it is not related to "normal" parents.

 

Also, before replying to "offensive" threads, please take 1 minute to see the thread history of the poster.

 

Thank you all.

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She posted this in relation to . It is a natural part of her recovery, as unpleasant it may sound. I replied in that thread in the hope to avoid a flamewar.

 

Thanks, but preventing flame wars is a function of the moderating team.

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lilgothicdevil ~

 

It sounds like you have had a tremendously rough relationship with your dad. I understand that. I had one too. Especially when I was 13-18. My dad was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. Somedays if you didnt turn the light switch on right, wham. He was a tyrant.

 

I can remember being 16 or 17 and saying the EXACT same thing that you are saying now. I still can feel those emotions I felt that night saying I would never forgive him. A friend told me that eventually I would have to let go of the hate in me, or it would fester and eat at me. My dad had a lot of hate in him too. It ate at him, and yes, I think it played a large part of his poor health, and it caused him to die at 59.

 

When I turned 17, I bought a car, and that bought me freedom.That helped. In the next few years, I didnt have as much contact with him and by the tme I was 19, the physical abuse stopped completely. When I was about 22 dad got sick, really sick. He was dying in a hospital in St. Louis. I had to go to be there to help mom. When I got home that night, I sat out on my front porch and cried. All I could think is what if he left this world thinking I really hated him. What if he really would spend all eternity in hell because of what he did here on earth? Those thoughts shattered my world. I realized, that I didnt hate him anymore, but that I simply felt nothing for him. In the next 9 months we had together, things were the best they ever were with him. He died in March of 2002.

 

My dad wont be here to walk me down the aisle when I get married. If I have kids they wont have anyone on my side to call grandpa. I cant talk to him about his days in the Navy or when he rode a Harley. Those are my thoughts now. I wish he were here. Just for one more day, because in spite of everything he still was my dad, and you only get one of those. (I mean no slight to other men who are dads to children who are not biologically their own, you all rock!)

 

I think the feelings that you have are great. Great in that you are having them and expressing them. That is good. Get it out. Dont let it eat at you. I think that is a step on the staircase toward healing.

 

I am not trying to say, oh, in time things will get better and paint some rosy picture. No, I cant say that. I dont know what is in store for you and your relationship with your dad. You will take your own path in your own time. Just really think about what it might be like with your dad gone, and never getting him back before you wish him there.

 

I hope that your life gets easier, you are young yet. I hope what you have gone through is making you stronger and not tearing you down. Most of all what I wish for you is to be happy and develop a healthy relationship with your dad, even if the healthiest one for the both of you is one that is not there.

 

Take care of yourself, and be well

 

LeAnn~

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I don't hate my dad, but I don't love him either. If I were to meet him on the street he would never become a friend of mine. I have little respect for him. I don't respect him because of how he he uses money to control my family, how selfish he is, how self-centered and arrogant he is. He spends thousands of dollars on needless junk, often buying the same item several times because he couldn't find the first one he bought. He yells at my mother for spending money for food, home repair items, and clothing. He gives my brother money, but refuses to pay for my last semester of college. He treats my Mom like dirt. I get angry at him, but I'm trying to keep it from consuming me. I don't want him to give me away at my wedding because I don't belong to him, I am my Mother's child, she's the only person I want there.

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No offense, every poster can do his best. I regret that some posters I worked with the most on their stony road to recovery cause you extra work.

 

I really like to prevent that and to maximize the positive.

No offence taken. But generally speaking we prefer that members stick to giving their best advice about the issues raised and leave any moderating work to the moderators. We don't mind the work because that's what we expected when we accepted the invitation to be a moderator.

 

I am sure that the fact that you helped people was not a cause of any problems any more than the help they also received from other members.

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Sometimes parents are strict and harsh because that was what they experienced from their parents growing up. My mother was extremely strict and harsh with me and punished me for any and all transgressions real or imagined. She and my dad never got along and my dad spent many days at the office to stay away from her temper. I used to call my dad at the office to have him talk to my mother when she was in one of her rampages. My mother hated that.

 

As I grew up, my mother use to tell me that my dad mistreated her, cheated on her, etc. and she got me to hate my dad, mistrust him, etc. She even got me involved in their marital disputes and made me choose. I usually chose to side with my mother. I eventually went away to college because I couldnt handle that.

 

As an adult, I am finally starting to realize that my dad is not a bad guy. He has a tendency to run away from problems (like my mother) and he deals with things/issues by avoiding or throwing money at it. I realize that he loves his job (college professor) and he loves his research. Just this Sat, I went up to visit him (my mother is out of the country right now) and go out to dinner with him. We spent a large amount of time talking about a research trip he is going on soon. Watching him talk about his research and his teaching is like watching a little kid, excited about going to an amusement park, like Disneyland.

 

Part of the reason I also moved back to CA is to be closer to my parents. My dad is in his late 70's and my mother in her late 60's. They dont have that many years left and I want to see them more than just once or twice a year. I may still fight and argue with them and be afraid of them, but they are my parents and they arent here forever. Last year my dad had a scare. He fell down and hit his head on a the edge of a dresser. We were afraid that he had a stroke or something. It was very lucky that my brother was still living at home at that time, he was able to keep my mother calm, took my dad to the hospital and keep on top of things.

 

Eventually our parents will die and I dont want to be hating my parents when they die.

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Love your rapist, love your abuser? No way, suicide seems better.

 

Venting anger towards abusers is essential part of recovery.

 

I'd like to make a suggestion for another forum, a venting and ranting forum where moderators could move this kind of thread. This thread for example does not belong into this forum as it is not related to "normal" parents.

 

Also, before replying to "offensive" threads, please take 1 minute to see the thread history of the poster.

 

Thank you all.

This particular forum that lilgothicdevil is posting on is an open forum that people can respond to if they so choose, as long as it is respectful. She is aware of this being a member of the forum. Her thoughts are welcome here. However, there is a diversity of opinions and feelings brought on by her post that provoked posters to share their own. I respectfully suggest that if lilgothicdevil would like to vent her feelings of anger to aid in her recovery with evoking feelings and responses from others, she do that in a personal journal or an online blog. This is a place where thoughts and feelings, as well as responses, so long as they are respectful, are welcome.

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This particular forum that lilgothicdevil is posting on is an open forum that people can respond to if they so choose, as long as it is respectful. She is aware of this being a member of the forum. Her thoughts are welcome here. However, there is a diversity of opinions and feelings brought on by her post that provoked posters to share their own. I respectfully suggest that if lilgothicdevil would like to vent her feelings of anger to aid in her recovery with evoking feelings and responses from others, she do that in a personal journal or an online blog. This is a place where thoughts and feelings, as well as responses, so long as they are respectful, are welcome.

 

 

i am going to chose to ignore your posts on this forum because frankly...its making me upset...i understand where your coming from...but it seems to me like u think i have all this hatered for nothing...but my dad isnt strick...hes MEAN and rageful....my dad will start shouting at me for the littlest reasons....sleeping too long, not closing the door soft enough, eating "his" steak when my mother bought one for me and one for him. telling me that im worthless and a and that i dont belong anywhere and that no one cares for me because i stuck up for my sister when he called her a ! there are many different dads out there and not all of them are like yours....so how can i post respectful posts about my dad when i dont respect him at all?

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I am going to give the unpopular view...

 

hatred is a valid emotion. If you feel it feel it. The only way it is going to go away is if you express it. Writing this post is a positive step...

 

Now, I think you should express your feelings to your father. As you know he is 71, and he doesn't have that much time in the world...

 

Yes, allow yourself to feel what you do...and if he is that evil, then you get out there and just have nothing to do with him...

 

HOWEVER, don't hate forever. Don't give him that much power in your life.

 

Blessed be.

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