Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

*sigh*

 

I still have control of the situation. But I really want to believe all that he says...I'm such a sucker.

 

R's been doing the whole beach thing and has been there for me in any way that I'll let him. I know I've said this, thought this, and hoped this before, but I'm once again seeing those positive things that spark that optomism up in me.

 

He has apologized for everything he's put me through for the past 4 or 5 months, or however long it's been. He says that there's nothing he can do to change what's been done and prays that I haven't given up on him yet. He said there's nobody he wants other than me and he will wait patiently for me to forgive him and trust him, if that's something I'm willing to try. He said he doesn't know what he was doing and he knows that he let pride get in the way and totally took me for granted and played games with me, when in all reality he is completely hooked on me and will be miserable without me.

 

He told me that he tried so hard to prove to me that he was right, that his ex and him were just friends, and all the other crap that he didn't realize he was just hurting me and pushing me away. He says he got to caught up in trying to make me see things his way and standing his ground, that he lost sight of the reality...that there is no right and wrong when it comes down to it and when a relationship is over, it doesn't matter who did what. He says he just wants to make it right. *SIGH*

 

I'm firmly planted in my mother's home, but god does this feel good. I KNOW I've done this SO MANY times before, but I keep asking "is it different now?" when I know the answer is probably not. He's given me so much proof that he's just a mean jerk who can't possibly give me what I deserve from a significant other, but I am so drawn to him. I feel dumb. HOW MANY TIMES am I willing to put myself through this? My mom tells me that I can't possibly love him and I'm just used to him and I keep wondering if that's true. I wonder though, wouldn't it be easier if I didn't love him? Isn't that the reason I keep hoping and letting him in?

 

He has a really good opportunity to move into a house in that town that I hate. He told me he wouldn't do it if it makes me unhappy or anything, and he does want to be closer. I FINALLY realized that while I do hate that town, it has nothing to do with how he acts. Those are just problems that will always be there until they are fully fixed. I told him that I don't care if he moves there and I think it's an excellent opportunity for him. If he's going to screw up, there's nothing I can do to prevent it. So bring it on. I want to see his true colors. I'm trying so hard to throw away my rose colored glasses...I'm not sure why it's so difficult.

 

I was talking to him the other day and he was telling me about some "really great idea" that I didn't agree with, and I kinda just said "yeah, right, whatever you say" and he stopped me mid sentence. He told me that he wants to hear my honest opinion about things and if I feel a certain way, then by all means speak up. I explained that I wasn't sure how to do that anymore since all throughout our relationship he has just constantly argued over me about how his way is better no matter what I had said. He sincerely said that he's changing that and wants to establish communication with me again and he wants to be different. I know this doesn't sound like much, but I have never heard him talk that way before.

 

There was a big BBQ a couple weeks back and his best friend was there. (He gave me like $600.00 worth of baby stuff!!!!) He told me once again that he knows R can be an A-hole but he sees I really get to him and he does care a lot about me. He sees R torn up every day at work since I dumped him and he doesn't know what to say to him. I explained a little of my side of the situation (best friends obviously get the one-sided version of things) and he basically just told me again that if he will always do what he can for me and not to hesitate to call him up and he'll go talk to R if I want him to. He said he would like to see us work things out for the sake of our kid and fully understands why I have taken the actions I did. R was right there while we were having this conversation and seemed a little shocked by some of what was said, but ultimately agreed.

 

I'm not making any changes to my routine (I'm still going to school to get my diploma, saving money, living at my mom's) but I can feel that pull in his direction and it scares the crap out of me. I really want to see things for how they are, instead of what I want them or hope them to be. I find that to be the hardest thing for me to do. R calls me several times a day just to see how I am and tell me he cares...we have talked for hours (never happened before) and I finally feel like I can speak my mind and he's listening and cares about what I have to say. That's how it used to be but hasn't been for so long...

 

I'm going to bring up councelling to him and see how he responds. Other than that I guess I'm just doing what makes me happy and taking it one day at a time. I'm so afraid I'm setting myself up to get hurt though.

[scarew]

Stay strong little one. It hasn't been enough time. If he changed overnight (unlikely) you STILL need to remove yourself from him. I guess I feel that he hasn't been punished long enough. If he seriously loves you and wants to work things out he will wait for you. I think you need to give him at least 6 mos to a year AFTER the baby is born and he proves himself before you think about getting attatched. But remember the more you talk to him the harder it will be on yourself to keep away. Out-of-sight= Out-of-mind, which in this case, is a good thing. Someone told me the other day, when I was in a stressful situation: Your baby feels every emotion that you do. If you risk putting yourself in a situation that might cause you stress/anxiety/heartache, you are putting yourself above the baby.

 

And sweetie, I KNOW that you want to put your baby first. If you go back to him before you are 100% SURE that he has done a 180 degree turn, you are putting HIM before the baby. I know you don't want to do that. Hugs to you and your

 

Love Sarah

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

These are positive signs, and it's OK to feel a little bit of hope from seeing them, but it sounds as though you have your head on right about waiting and watching to see more proof of change than just words. R has said some pretty clever things to you before to get you to come back and believe and so far he has yet to back that up with action- but watch him- that may change.

 

I know you'd love it if it did, and I wish for you the best- but just be careful. Watch him. Wait. Let him prove, really prove, and not just for a month of two, but for at least 6 months of more that he is not only trying to make changes but actually succeeding and sticking to them- that is the hardest part, and then re-evaluate and see where things stand. Stay where you are, have the baby, let R come and help out, give him a chance to prove himself- and watch him.

 

It's still OK to have hope- as long as you have common sense and reasoning in place too and can count on yourself to do what is best for you and the baby.

[SherriLi]

BTR, the ONE thing that you can't do is go back to him, especially if it's for financial security... I have done this with my ex husband. I have said the same things you have for example "well at least i'll have my own place for my own things" and "at least i won't be on my mother's couch anymore" Honey i was there, and i was there with the same type of man as you... My ex was diagnosed with paranoid dementia Disorder after i left. He tried committing suicide many times after i left, because i left, and i left im for all the same reasons that you left your boyfriend. BUT! I went back MANY times, thinking, what you are thinking. Thnking it would be better, that my kids would have a place to live and thier "daddy" to help raise them... It oly got worse everytime i went back..

 

It only hurt my daughter, to hear us fight. She was wetting the bed every night because of our fights. And we never found this out until after we broke up, (they made a fake child abuse claim agaist a familty member to make me look bad, for a custody suite and because it was a way they could use the law to hurt me)

 

My oldest was 2 when i finally said i had enough, and left... She was soo tired and hurt from all the fights.. Do you know how she reacted when i broke the news to her that we were moving and leaving daddy behind? She was very excited and REALLy happy! She never shed a tear...

That made me very sad.... the fact that my baby was happy to leave her father behind.... It was devestating. But it only proves that i should have gotten out of that mess WAY before it ever came to that.

 

I just hope that you see this before you make the same mistake...

 

YOU are soo much smarter now than i was at the time! You will have a much better life if you leave now. You know that everything has a way of working out. It always does, and i know you feel alone, and things aren't getting better... But they will, trust me... I have been where you are, but you are smarter, because you have taken the first step! you got away, and know better deep in your heart that you deserve better and you also know that going back is just a temporary solution Believe me, i've experienced it, it is the worst possible thing that you could do...

 

Everything is going to work out for you and your sweet little baby, i know it.

 

Sherrili

[SherriLi]

Sorry.... BTR](*,)

 

I didn't realize there were soo many pages, and soo much has happened... Please ignore my last post..

 

How dumb of me...

[BornToResist]

No, it's not dumb of you!! There are a whole lot of pages to this post, I'm sure it's confusing.

 

I could feel your emotions when I read that. I'm sorry to hear all you went through.

 

I am currently still at my mom's, and financial security NEVER came from being with R. I was paying rent for the entire apartment that he complained about and got us kicked out of. I know I could rent a room or apartment by myself if I wanted, but right now I'm just sucking it up and dealing with the situation at hand. It's gotten a lot better, I have my room back and although it is EXTREMELY tight living there, I do have that one room to escape (it is cluttered with all my brother's stuff at the moment which is driving me up the wall, but I'm saving about $1000.00 a month so who am I to complain?) so things are okay. I'm able to get all the things I need and want for the arrival of mini-me and get myself out of debt.

 

So right now it would hurt me more than help me to live with R purely for my own "space" (which he made uncomfortable by the drugs and lying, etc.)

 

Wow your post actually helped me a lot. It got me back to reality...it's getting so hard to see when I have my head as high up in the clouds as I do. So that successfully pulled back down to earth.

 

 

[SherriLi]

BTR,

 

That's great that you have your own room, see... things are SLOWLY getting better. This knot will slowly work itself out.

 

It's also great that you are secure in knowing that you will be ready for your when he/she comes!

 

Take care and hang in there!!

 

Love,

 

Sherrili

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

You are adjustiing to the changes beautifully. I'm very proud of you!

 

How are you feeling these days?

[BornToResist]

Things are going pretty well actually.

 

I did see R this weekend, but it was drama-free. I went out to the beach and helped him move things around and stuff. Everything was pretty smooth although I was very apprehensive and I feel so suspicious when I'm with him. He makes too many excuses about his phone, like he'll just turn it off because "the battery dies all the time" or whatever his excuse may have been, so I'm far from trusting anything he has to say. His battery does die a whole lot, but I know I'm being shielded from the truth, you know? If nobody is calling him, then there's nothing to hide, but if someone tries (that he doesn't want me to know about), it's not like I'll find out. But I just let it roll off my back because I'm not putting myself in a position to be hurt by it or for it to really affect me, if that makes sense.

 

I think some good did come out of seeing him though. There was a time where he got very frustrated and threw a little temper tantrum, although he walked away and did it by himself...he didn't make a scene or yell or anything, but he called me later and apologized. He asked me how I deal with him when he's like that, and he doesn't like it when he acts that way. He said that he doesn't know how to change it. I told him that I was happy he saw his behavior is unacceptable and I greatly encourage him to get help to change it, or do something productive to make himself better. I told him that only he can change that about himself if he wants to, but there's nothing I can do to help him with that.

 

So I don't know, I have mixed feelings about that guy. There's that part of me that wants things to work out between us so badly, but then there's that other side that knows deep down I'll never fully trust him again. However I'm happy with talking to him and it was good to see him. I can tell that I'm a huge positive in his life, and that feels pretty good.

 

Other than that, I'm in my last week of my first trimester. I CANNOT BELIEVE how quickly time flies! My back is starting to kill me, but I'm feeling him kick more and more and I'm reallllly enjoying being pregnant.

 

My mom is going to be selling her house sometime in the next couple of years and wants us to go into business together...like open up a store of some sort, which I'm very excited about...

 

Everything is running so smoothly at the moment! It's so strange to look back about five or six months ago and see all the positive changes that I made. Although they seemed so hard and I questioned whether they were right or wrong at the time and I did all I could to avoid actually making them, I couldn't be happier. I fought against the current and kept my baby, I got myself out of a horrible living situation, I stopped letting others "mooch" off of me, and I'm away from all those horrible influences that I had in my life for so long. It feels so good.

[SherriLi]

Hi BTR!

 

I'm so so so happy to hear that things are looking up!

[Dilly]

BTR, I'm so happy for you! YOu sound so fortunate and stable. I'm also happy that you're nearing the end of the second trimester. Gosh, THAT has to feel sensational! I'm glad R is seeing that he is causing himself problems with his mood swings and that you are not allowing yourself to be affected by the idea that he is not trustworthy. Raising a glass of non-alcoholic beverage to you to cheer you on to these heights well into the future. I am so curious what you and your mother might sell!!! It's so nice to have a friend in a mother.

[Beec]

BTR, I will not tell you that it is permanent or will repeat itself or is even aprt of a trend, but R's behavior seems to be indicative of someone that wants to improve. That's a good sign.

 

Even if you are never with him again, you want him to be the best he can be for the sake of your child, if nothing else.

 

Whether you can ever trust him enough again or not, that's something only you can decide, and I won't try to change your mind right now.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

I was glad to hear that you are feeling the effects of all the progress that you've made and how proud you are of yourself.

 

You are being rightfully weary of R and after all that's happened, that is to be expected and is a good thing- you have your and your baby's best interests in mind.

 

These are good things coming from R but as Beec said, keep watching him and see what happens. Pay attention to little red flags, (like the phone) and keep stock of them instead of breezing past them.

 

Only time will tell what really happens.

[BornToResist]

Just a little update. Nothing exciting has been going on, but I'm in a really good mood today.

 

I saw R last night and things were reallllly good. Nothing has changed for me though...I haven't changed my mind about anything, I still feel strong and in a really good place in my life. But it was so great to see him, he looks awesome. I can tell he's taking care of himself, he's staying active and seems to really be doing well. We just enjoyed each other's company and acted goofy and silly and things were great. I laughed a whole lot and he seems to have that sparkle back. He treated me like a queen too, which, well I deserve it to say the least. So we're on good terms, but I'm not jumping into anything. One day at a time, but yesterday was a good one.

 

We can't agree on a name, but I'm not worried. I'm the one who gets to ultimately decide anyways. I'm worried that he'll make a stink over it, but I'm the one going through this whole thing and sacrificed so much for the baby already that I don't feel badly whatsoever about pulling the trump card and deciding for myself. He's JUST starting to come around, so he should be so lucky to have a second chance, let alone ANY say in the baby. That's not wrong, is it?

 

Other than that, things are great...I'm officially in my 3rd trimester on Sunday. I don't believe I can get any bigger than I am. I am SO huge and all belly. I am completely off-balance all the time and it's so frustrating!! I am trying so hard not to do that pregnant "waddle" but it's almost impossible. I can feel my exhaustion and moodiness coming back and that sucks. The second trimester really does seem to be the best.

 

I still haven't told my dad....I haven't talked to him since my grandma died and I'm totally dreading picking up the phone and letting him know. Eek. I can't avoid it for very much longer though...

 

Things seem to really be falling into place. I have all the baby stuff I want picked out, I know what car I'm going to buy, I have my own space and I'm feeling very good and comfortable. I already bought bedding for the crib and I'm set with baby clothes for the next 2 years or so.

 

Things just seem to be getting better and better.

[southerngirl]

Im glad things are going so good for you!

 

Oh, you cant help but do the pregnant 'waddle'! Just wait until you cant reach your feet to tie your shoes! Im almost there, 40 days to go for me and counting down =-)

 

What does the bedding look like? I got this purple/green/pink bedding, its very cool its plaid and has rosey flowers... Its so girly!

[BornToResist]

40 days?!?! That's so soon! I'm SO terrified of labor...I still have 90 days to go though.

 

LOL I bought these really cute shoes that I don't have to tie because it's already hard to tie my shoes. I went to a baby shower the other day and they played that game where you guess the mom-to-be's belly size, and I was as big as her, and she's 9 months...

 

I love girly bedding too! I adore that pink & green combo...so cute!! I love the bedding I got...it's blue and green and orange (sounds kinda weird) but has stars and moons all over it and says "you're my sun, moon, and stars" on it. It is SO soft, I want to use it for myself!

 

I love baby stuff! I want to buy everything already but everyone keeps telling me to wait for my baby shower.

[Dilly]

I am trying so hard not to do that pregnant "waddle" but it's almost impossible.

 

 

You are sooooooooooo CUTE! I haven't even finished your post yet and I just started laughing out loud because I can so totally relate!!! I just keep thinking to myself, I'm not going to do the waddle!!! HAHAHAHAHA

[Dilly]

I got this purple/green/pink bedding, its very cool its plaid and has rosey flowers... Its so girly!

 

 

SouthernGirl, I am so still thinking I want to get that bassonette you picked out some months ago!!! What a buy!!! Find out the baby's gender (errr, uh, hopefully) next week!

[Dilly]

It is so hard to imagine that I might not be able to touch my toes. You guys are so funny!

 

BTR, I am so proud and happy for you! You are doing everything right! I am so happy that R is still in the picture, going cold turkey on the father of your child just never seems like a great idea unless he is physically and emotionally abusive and usually (as in your case), the distance gap is enough to get them to see the err in their ways. I'm very very happy for you both!!! You deserve to enjoy his company! And he's lucky to have yours!!! Dang right you get to name the baby!

[Dilly]

SouthernGirl, I'm finding that your due date is approaching faster than Christmas which only makes sense since your going to be induced at right about that time! WOW!!! Time's a-flyin! Must agree I am loving the 2nd trimester.

[BornToResist]

LOL I LOVE your posts, Dilly.

 

Pregnancy is such a challenge, I had absolutely no idea. My body is hard to adjust to...I look completely normal and all the sudden, BOOM, there's belly all over the place. I'm over that phase you were talking about where you feel sloppy and stuff...I feel kinda cute again because, well I'm VERY pregnant chick. There's no mistaking it, all the weight I've gained has found its way to my belly. I look like Buddah and I walk like a chicken, seriously! It seems to just have happened over night.

 

I just have a quick question...since I can't see my "girl parts" anymore (lol), how do I keep myself groomed...? Has anyone else had this problem, or do they just let themselves go super-70's style while pregnant? Sorry if that's a little too much information, but this is really weird...just another one of those things I didn't think twice about.

 

ANYWAYS!!

As for R, all I can do is take it day by day and hope he doesn't screw it up. I'm glad you back me up with the name thing, Dilly! I think I decided on one(at least I picked one I liked for a consistent week) so that's a load off. I'm going to give him R's last name so he can't complain. He didn't seem to like the name yesterday, but he didn't have any better suggestions so he can just suck it up!

 

 

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

You can always make yourself an appt at the salon for a wax/trim and pamper yourself a bit!

 

When do we get to see pics of the new and large belly?

 

I'm glad things are going well for you- you deserve some happiness.

[Dilly]

Go 70's style and see if R is still diggin you! Hey, that's got to be the true test of LOOOOOHuuuuv!!!

[Dilly]

Yeah, I'm with you on the name thing because let's face it, his brain is still metabolizing substances that alter clear thinking... nahhh, this is your call. Take his suggestions into consideration, and let him THINK he's helping you... but make your own mind up on it and let him get a few good vibes from offering suggestions that you may even pretend to like.

[southerngirl]

Well, to be honest im like the amazon woman down there, I cant see it... Im afraid to shave for fear of cutting myself... and dont want mr to go near that part with a razor.. ouch if he messed up... FORGET letting some stranger around my bits! lmao

 

Only a little to go though and I can go back to my normally groomed self.