Things CAN get worse...

[southerngirl]

Oh im so sorry about R.. this must be really hard for you.

 

About job options, you could allways see about getting a job at a daycare. My friend does that. She works at a pre-school and is able to take her son with her and her older child, who is in elementary school comes there after school everyday. She has the peace of mind in knowing that they are safe.

 

School is a good idea. I need to get myself back in school too. Im thinking that I will start night classes once this baby is born, say in about 6-8 months or so Im going to try to get financial aide to return to school.

[Beec]

R is having to learn to play by new rules, rules that are kind of contradictory to the old rules. You used to do drugs with him, and, if I recall correctly, both smoked weed and did meth with him. He apparently has a more addictive personality, and he got hooked. So, the new rules of no drugs are entirely new. And he has not yet learned them and/or how to live within them. Will he? Only time will tell.

 

Your not being in love with him makes enforcing the rules and staying away from him much easier. I hope he learns to live in accordance with the new rules soon, and that you find out you are in love with him. But taking care of yourself and your child, making sure you love both of you first, is the top of the list. He needs to learn to rearrange his priorities in order to be some worth loving.

[BornToResist]

A daycare would be an awesome idea. If I continue to live with my mom, I can go to work and bring the baby...then I can enroll in class and she would watch him for an hour or two. They also have a lot of options for online classes, so that could help me out. It's so possible.

 

I understand that while R might not have the same thinking pattern as me and he might be hooked more than I was, it does not mean he can put me, a pregnant chick in that situation. That is never okay. He should respect my choice to NOT be around it. He invites me over, and that should mean to him that he cannot be doing those things within that time frame. He doesn't have to ask me over if his problem really is that bad. I could understand more if I just showed up, then I would have to expect to be around it I guess. I just hate being forced to be a nag. "Can you not do that around me?"....'oh sorry'...10 minutes pass..."Can you please stop doing that around me?"....'oops..." COME ON. It makes me mad that I have to ask a million times a night. I'm not his mother. Just go in the bathroom if you can't handle being sober for 30 seconds. GRR...there is no excuse.

 

I just won't go there and he'll ask why. When I tell him, he'll throw a stupid temper tantrum and try to make me feel like an idiot. He can try all he wants though, I'm done.

[Beec]

BTR, I don't approve of the drug use at all. And if I were you, I would never go there unless he agreed to not do the drugs with you or your child there. And I don't see any excuse for R's behavior either, but it will take him time to learn and adapt. You need to stick to your resolve and position, no question about it. We just have to hope R does learn and adapt, in the right way.

[Dilly]

He makes me so mad!! I used to deal with a guy hooked on meth and he was a moody bastard and I never knew why. We were only together five weeks and he was so nice in the evenning after his gigs and then, in the mornings, he'd be a total worthless creep!!! Ugggh!!!

[Dilly]

I seriously hope R can stop, and agree that unless he's going to be sober and remain that way in your presense, he should refrain from meeting up with you. He is ... a man equipped with good intentions and I even see why you like him, because he truly does seem sweet as pie at times. But, selfishly clueless at others. I guess you and I may be in the same boat, girlee girl, afterall. I don't know, good for you that you get sole custody at least!

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I was wondering about the meth. When I asked you before how he was doing with the drugs and you didn't answer, I had a bad feeling. Meth is a powerful drug and it's hard to get off of... I have a cousin who is addicted now. She lost custody of her son (and that's heartbreaking because all her life all she ever wanted was a child and she went through hell to have him and now is throwing that all away and at 9 years old he's completely aware of it...) But just to show you how powerful it is. R would have to make a commitment to himself to get clean and then seek the professional help to do it and change the way he lives to stick to it, and that means losing some of his cronies that do it too. It's tough- and if he doesn't value that for himself, he won't initiate it and he won't stick to it.

 

It's so dangerous because when a person is on it they can be so unpredictable, fly into rages or think they are invincible... all kinds of dangerous behaviours.

 

You are right to be protective of your child- there is no way I'd let my baby in his place if he was still using drugs or had paraphernalia in the house. DSS can file a 51A and investigate should he be found to have drugs in the house while his daughter is there, or your son once he's born- he risks not being able to see his children for this drug. It really has a hold on him.

 

On a side note- you are interested in becoming a nurse? I think that's wonderful- it's a flexible, well paying career that you can balance around your child, and it's so rewarding. I'm in school for nursing now, and will be graduating in just a few months (december) with my RN (if I pass the boards!) I'll be glad to give you insight on what it was like if you are interested, just send me a PM!

[BornToResist]

Drugs are terrible. I wasn't completely sure if he was using before or not, although I had a good idea. I still gave him the benefit of the doubt though.

 

I did them a lot before when I really didn't have much to lose...but now with a child in the picture I cannot imagine. I'd be terrified of people taking my child, but more importantly, I couldn't imagine what I'd feel like if my kid saw me in that state, you know? It's not fair to them. I'd feel like a piece of crap. They don't understand the mood swings or anything. And heaven forbid, what if something bad happened, is he going to drive to the hospital after staying up for days at a time? What if something happened where he had to involve the police? Things like that happen...(when my car was stolen he convinced me to wait to go to the cops because we had been on a bender...I risked losing my car, but how would he act about his child? Would he risk going to jail?) I just don't get it.

 

Things were really strange on Sunday when I left and so now he's not calling me. He does this when things are weird...he like, "punishes" me. There's no way for me to get in touch with him (no phone), so he deliberately doesn't call me. So very mature. Oh well....

 

Plus sides to being in a 'relationship' with R:

1. Father of my baby

2. We have fun sometimes...

 

Negatives:

1. He TRIES to make me feel bad about myself

2. Mood swings, drugs

3. Temper

4. Lack of control over himself

5. Superiority complex

6. Doesn't understand me...or try to

7. Financial disaster

8. Inconsiderate

9. Absolutely NO emotional support whatsoever (a friend of mine died and he told me to 'get over it')

10. Controlling

 

Hm....

[Beec]

We all grow up at different rates, ages and times. He has not had to yet in some ways and for some reasons. If he is going to, you may be the one who provides the motivation. You're the one setting the new rules. He will not adapt instantly, but let's hope he does. If it is time for you to have a relationship with him or not, time will tell. If not, let's hope it's because some other guy has swept you off your feet.

[Hope75]

R definitely does not sound like a good candidate for a partner or a parent at this point in his life. The scariest part of that is that he is already a father, with majority custody of his daughter, and he's getting high like this and using meth. He really hasn't figured out where his priorities lie. He has known you are pregnant for 4 months and he's still using.

 

What happens if you need him because of an emergency with the pregnancy, and he has no phone and hasn't called you for days? Reasonable adults do not play these kinds of games. You are PREGNANT. How much more stress on your body and your baby do you need?

[BornToResist]

R definitely does not sound like a good candidate for a partner or a parent at this point in his life. The scariest part of that is that he is already a father, with majority custody of his daughter, and he's getting high like this and using meth. He really hasn't figured out where his priorities lie. He has known you are pregnant for 4 months and he's still using.

 

What happens if you need him because of an emergency with the pregnancy, and he has no phone and hasn't called you for days? Reasonable adults do not play these kinds of games. You are PREGNANT. How much more stress on your body and your baby do you need?

 

He got a cell phone yesterday. No more problems there. But I would constantly worry about it. What if I had a miscarraige? Would I have to wait until he felt like calling me to inform him? That just didn't seem right.

 

Anways I've also been stressing over the meth thing. We already decided he'd be in the delivery room...but if he looks funny AT ALL, I'm going to tell him to leave. That would be so terrible for me, but at this point that's a huge possibility. I'm not going to be like the mother of his daughter...she just doesn't seem to care about anyone other than herself. He had better clean up his act because I will not tolerate it.

 

I talked to my sister-in-law and apparently my brother (the awesome one) is doing pretty much the same thing R did. She found he has a MySpace account that he lied to her about and he's been contacting his exgf through it. He also has secret emails and stuff too. She's heartbroken and wants to leave him. *sigh* She says she doesn't know how I could possibly get over what R did. I don't know what to say. I want to console her and tell her to leave him, but then again he's my brother and I know that despite what he's doing, he doesn't want to lose her and the family. What are these people thinking? He hurt his leg at work so he got a prescription for Vicodins...but he's been taking a lot more than he should, and he's buying them other places too. He's a terrible addict and if he drinks one beer it means a horrible relapse that will take months, not including the pain he causes other people. Same thing goes with pills.

 

I'm seeing the situation I was in from a completely different angle and I don't know how to feel about it.

 

It's like I can't get away from it. Wherever I look there's some stupid guy addicted to something and lying about the other women to the one he loves.

[Dilly]

God, it's so depressing, isn't it? Especially when our heroic siblings engage in that type of behavior too!!! Girrrrr. I don't believe in hero's anymore. Everyone is fallalbe. The internet has really done a number on relationships (good and bad). Hang in there.

[BornToResist]

I know!! I don't get it.

 

It's especially shocking since he was so protective of me when I went through that. He was APPALLED at R's behavior. But now I'm thinking he was disgusted by it so much because it was a reflection of what he was doing to the woman he loves.

 

I confronted him about it before because I knew something was up. He would go online as soon as she would go to the store or anywhere. He was embarrassed and said he didn't want to be like that...I told him it's very easy to not be a lying jerk. He got offline and that was that. Now I feel bad b/c I knew all along...but I know it's not my place to say anything. It just sucks to watch someone else go through it.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Is this the brother and sister in law that just had the baby? The ones that live with you?

 

Oh, that is so sad. It just goes to show you how drugs (and deceit) can tear up a family. Seems like these guys aren't looking at the big picture and how their choices are affecting those around them.

 

I get even more scared when I hear of people buying illegal drugs or prescription pills on the street, because you just don't know what you are getting and if something is the wrong pill or laced with something you have a reaction to, you can die. It's so dangerous and risky.

 

*sigh*

 

I'm sorry this seems to be all around you. Try to remember that you are at least clean and doing what's right for your baby by steering clear of R and his drugs and influence.

 

((HUGS))

[Dilly]

I feel slightly jaded. I am so happy to know how common this type of behavior is and to be wise to the ways of everchanging world we live in. I don't put it past anyone nowadays to stray like this, but I'll tell you I am 99.9% confident that my brothers wouldn't and the reason is that they're married to good-looking, intelligent women who wouldn't tolerate it for one split second. They would be scared if they stared to long at a woman and you know, I admire their wives for keeping them on their toes. Their wives haven't had to do anything nasty to assert their standard of acceptable behavior, they've just been self-respecting all along and my brothers respect them way too much to think that if they ever did this that they would get away with a belated apology. Fact is, most self-respecting women would bust a move immediately and that's why their men don't do it. Also, my brothers don't really take my sisters-in-law for granted. They both adore their wives and their wives set them straight when they don't. They like women who keep them in line, that's the fact. And they don't really have an affinity for stepping out of line. That's another key. I wish all guys were a little like my brothers, but my brothers would not be attracted to my type, the spontaneous, easy-going, retroactive * * * * * that I can be ten minutes after it's too late to be angry anymore. You have to earn respect by responding to stimili in a timely manner and not putting up with it for one minute too long. You earn respect by letting your partner know you're not staying if they deviate. I haven't mastered this and I doubt I ever will. But in the end, I just may.

[BornToResist]

Never say never Dilly.

 

My sister in law is drop dead gorgeous, smart, devoted, self respecting...everything a woman can be. She got pregnant but refused to be with someone who didn't treat her right. He stopped doing drugs, drinking, everything for her. It was a miracle to see him become that man. He was so protective of her and proud to have her on his arm, she really is a catch. He knows she won't take anything from him and he his world would pretty much stop if he was to lose this relationship. They've been together over 8 years now and they were my picture-perfect example of what a relationship could be like.

 

Why did he start acting this way one day out of the blue? I don't know. I thought he was better than that. He acted so disgusted by what I went through with R...he told me a real man does not treat his lady that way. Then he turned around and did it.

 

I'm learning that once you think you know a person, they'll surprise you. Maybe that's just the pessimist side of me coming out though. But don't underestimate anyone.

[Dilly]

God, it's so fascinating. I just think youre right about not ever thinking you've got someone figured out because they'll surprize you, sometimes in wonderful ways, and sometimes, in terrible ways. I ... so question life-long committments now more than ever. I guess you're right. Things for each of my bro's have been going so well for about 8-10 years each, but there's have been peaceful lives and you may be right, they may surprize me. SOmetimes, I think there's a real correlation that can be made with the amount of time a man spends by himself and the amount of trouble he gets into. I mean, my older bro C never has a moment to himself and he never complains about it... but what if that changed? Would he? Also, my younger, J, is starting to spend some time alone. I was surprized years ago when my ex-hubbie found porn on his computer because J had been busting on my ex for his interest in it. Shoe managed to fit him as well. Funny, eh? Our stories are similar yet again. Well, all I know is ... it's nice to know that people do this. I guess the only thing we really can rely on in life is ourselves and this is more reason to get comfortable (fully cozy) with the notion of being alone at any point along the path in life, because, no matter who you are, how long you've been married, how you look on paper when the stats are stacked, it could happen to anyone and most like happens to us all. Women do it, too! Thanks BTR for another freakin' reality check. It bites, but I'm starting to appreciate that little nip - keeps me straight.

[BornToResist]

I'm glad to hear that there are still good ones out there though. But at this point in my life I agree with the whole "lifelong commitment" thing. Who is that person going to be in 10 years, let alone 6 months? Who am I going to be? I have never been able to answer those questions about anybody, so why would I commit? Everyone I know just grows apart and then they hurt each other. Come to think of it, I don't know of one successful marraige.

 

I hate living life like this...I don't want to expect the worst of people but I've been let down so many times that I had to learn not to expect anything of anyone really. I would love to get surprised and there are wonderful people out there, I'm sure...but at this point in my life it seems like, well, if something is too good to be true, it probably is. I feel like I'm being drowned in it.

 

My parents were married for 30 years...then my dad started the same pattern. Drinking, getting mean, until one day he left. He says he was forced, but my mom told him he could stay if he gave up drinking. It's obvious how that turned out. Then my brother...addict who seems to be self destructing out of the blue. He's about to get the same ultimatum my dad got. Then there's R...the same kind of guy. I just don't get it...there has to be a pattern that I'm falling into. I didn't choose my brother or my dad, but I chose R, and he's the same way. They are all the same way.

 

I hate this so much. I want there to be someone who restores my faith in humanity. I haven't given up, but it seems that eventually they all go the same way. I really hate thinking like this.

 

Maybe instead of being a lesson on how to not get hurt by someone else, it's the forgiveness lesson that I have failed? I feel like I'm getting taught the same thing over and over, and the outcome is always the same, but I don't know how to change it. Is this just the way the world is...? I mean, I know there are people who will let you down, but it seems to always happen to me. Do I expect too much of others?

 

I hope that made sense because things are starting to get confusing. I really am a happy, optomistic person in real life, I promise.

[BornToResist]

RANT:

I talked to one of my girlfriends last night. She's 7 weeks pregnant.

 

I can tell she thinks she's better than me. She feels sorry for me. I really don't like that.

 

I know my situation is less than ideal, but I've made choices that I'm proud of and it really angers me to see someone act that way towards me. Truth be told, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes either, but I never say anything about that.

 

She's barely 22 and has already been divorced. She's getting married again to this guy(who she cheated on her husband of 4 months with) because she's pregnant...which I know she planned. But I said "congrats, good luck" and that's that. I don't lecture her on birth control like she did to me. I never said anything bad about the people she dated like she did to me.

 

I never cry to her or tell her my life is bad or that I'm unhappy. I'm excited about this baby and that's what we talk about. There's no reason for her to say the things she does...about how she doesn't want to talk about things with me because she "feels bad," etc. But I don't want her to!

 

She tries to give me pregnancy advice. She acts like having a baby is the equivelant of getting a new puppy. I want to strangle her. It's so aggravating.

 

~END OF RANT~

[n83]

BTR -

You seem like a really sweet girl and I'm sorry about everything you're going through.

Honey I am here to write only one thing, which is to tell you in all seriousness that long-term stress during pregnancy can have a BAD impact on the baby.. it's not good for the fetus to be exposed to extra stress hormones coursing through your system. That being said, I hope you're finding ways to just NOT think about everything that's going on... Find ways to keep yourself relaxed as much as possible.

 

Everything will be ok with you and your baby, you have to believe that, regardless of the baby's father.. YOU are strong and you have support and you will be a good mommy. It's just about having the strength to carry out your convictions.

 

OK I'm done ranting, but again, I hope you're doing OK

[n83]

P.S. babies are a lot of fun to cuddle, you'll enjoy that too

[Dilly]

About your "Friend", BTR:

 

She sounds like she's enjoying putting you down. But you are so strong and it's so good of you to realize that she's got her own issues. She saw you pregnant and likely got pregnant herself therafter. Why? She looks up to you, but ... sometimes the people we look up to, we pull down. It doesn't make any sense, but it might be human nature. Just take it like advice you would from a sister and ignore the rest. I read in the book WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU ARE EXPECTING that it's often wise to put blinders on when it comes to unsolicited advice about pregnancy because it's often so wrong and misguided, as are prescriptions for living life through marriage, children, a white-picket-fence and.... oh, what ever happens when they live happily ever after? There are no stories about that - does it exist?

 

Anyway, it would suck to have to deal with the guilt of ending a marriage the way she did and you are so good to not rub her nose in it, but isn't it amazing how she is rubbing your nose in what she perceives to be your shortcomings? What are her underlying insecurities that blind her to her own bad judgment and poor assessment of reality?

 

Anyway, stay strong. You seem to me to be one of the most beautiful people and the way you handled this situation is a perfect example of how classy people don't strike back!!!

 

BTW, I don't get the feeling that you're all that stressed, really. Am I missing something? I'm picking up on a calm perspective arising out of alot of new developments.

 

It's true that we should all focus on the positive, but if we did, would we grow or have a better assessment of reality for it? The message I consistently get from you is positive and hopeful, regardless of whether its about your own reflections on your circumstances or advice you're giving to others.

[BornToResist]

Thank you so much for the kind words Dilly!

 

I really have cut down on the stress. I'm so much happier than I have been in a really long time. I'm not closing my eyes to anything that's going on, but I have learned to let go of the reins a little bit. I can only control myslef (the most important thing I have learned through all of this) and I felt so free after I started living my life knowing that. I honestly come on this site and rant and get it out, but then after that I'm fine. I'm now able to just disconnect from the negativity and focus on me and what's really important.

 

I feel more like myself than I have in the past 2 years. And it's so great!! The main reason I stood up and took action with R was because I knew what the stress was doing to my baby and so I ended it...and that was one of the best choices I have made yet.

 

Yeah my friend is...well I don't really know the words for that. She doesn't seem to have a firm hold on reality. She spends most of her time locked away in her perfect imaginary world and that's fine, but I see reality and I feel she doesn't. That's the only reason I'm able to keep this friendship. I have always been way more down to earth than she ever was, and it's so obvious. She has been dying for someone to love her and get married and start a family since she was little. Now she's forcing it...and I hope it works out, but we all know how it usually does. (I hope I don't come off judging, I've just seen it over and over.)

 

The most frustrating thing is that she doesn't realize that not everybody wants what she has. I really, really don't. Like you, Dilly, I have no plans on getting married anytime in the near future, if at all. It would have to be someone who really knocked my socks off and acted consistently for an extended period of time to even consider it. I think I'm jaded in that department as well...and I really don't want what she has. Nobody will ever control me or have a hold on what I do or say, unlike her relationship. BUT I am happy that she is happy. And I will be there to pick up the pieces if needed...again.

[Dilly]

You're so young that I really don't want to contribute to jading you or encouraging it, but you know, when I was your age and minding my own business as married men would approach or sneak glances, I got jaded too. I got really jaded because there's something about our society that either causes, allows, or even anticipates that men (maybe women too) just naturally deviate from their marital committments. And it's so ironic that the same society steers us in the direction of marriage and then, casually deposits its victims in the graveyard of divorce, a graveyard where no memorials lie and few are visited. Anyway, the jaded usually aren't that attractive to men, but why? Is that because the hopeful and the gullible are? I don't know. I just hope that in all the green, you keep some sparkles of hope because I do believe your prince is coming!!!

[Beec]

BTR, I won't excuse your friend or her oafish behavior. But you have to take people for what they are and have to offer. I doubt there is intent to offend in her, but there is probably a desire to feel superior and insecurity. Let it go in one ear and out the other, to the extent you need to. When it comes to your baby, if she says anything askew, kick her teeth in. I'll let people say things about me, but not my family.