Is it right that I'm staying with him?

[LaFilleTriste]

I was wondering if anyone can help me with this. I have been married for 2 years now, and for the past year or so, my husband has become abusive. He gets angry with me very easily, he's very irritable, and once in a while he hits me. When I started dating him, he was very quiet and tried very hard to please me and spent time with me everyday. Now it seems he's just mad all the time and doesn't want to be with me that much, and we haven't had sex in 6 months. Well, anyway, I know people say that when your husband hits you, even once, that you should do something about it. But I never felt that I needed to. It really hurts me that he would do something like that to me, but I feel that I love him too much, and that he really didn't mean it. It doesn't seem like he would eventually kill me, but he does exhibit violent behavior. For instance, he hits our dogs or threatens to harm them when he's mad at me because he knows I love them very much. He destroys objects around him and yells very very loudly while calling me b***h and other profanities. I've also gained a lot of weight during this marriage, and he gets really upset sometimes when he sees me eating like a "pig". Like one time I came home with donuts, and he knocked them off of my hands, and crushed them with his feet on the floor. Another time I was eating chips while watching tv and he took the bag and poured the contents all over me, while crushing them into my hair and face while saying mean things about being so fat. I don't know if this sounds funny to people, but I was really hurt at the time because I felt like he hated me for being overweight. I just thought that husbands are supposed to love you no matter what. He says it's because he cares about my health, but why would he go about letting me know that way? When it comes to hitting me, he'll punch me on the body, slap my face, shove me to the ground or kick me while I'm on the ground. But he never has actually injured me. The most he's done is leave a few small bruises. I would always cry afterwards, and then he would try to comfort me and say sorry. Now if he hits me, he ignores me and acts mad for the rest of the day, as if it was my fault. He's not as abusive as other people's abusive husbands are, and he doesn't control who I speak to or where I go or how I dress, etc. But I don't know if it's okay that I'm staying with him in the hopes of working things out. The physical abuse doesn't happen that often, mostly he's just a very irritable person and always talks to me with an attitude. I feel that I really love him. Should I try to work things out with him, or just end it now? When people are physically abused, is that a sign that you should automatically leave the relationship?

[Aurian]

GET OUT.

 

I was in an abusive relationship. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, IT NEVER GETS BETTER. IT ONLY GETS WORSE.

 

He should not be hurting you in any way. Period. Bruises are bad enough. It will only get worse; eventually it will be broken bones. Nobody has the right to call you names or make you feel bad about yourself, much less someone who is SUPPOSED to love, respect and support you.

 

You do NOT deserve this, no matter what your "crime" is. My husband messed with my head and convinced me that I deserved to be called names, to be abused, to be hit. But no matter what you do, nobody deserves that. It is HIS problem, HIS fault that he cannot control himself. Once someone reveals himself as an abuser, it is time to leave. Abusive people stay that way.

[xprincessbugx]

You need to leave. Yes that's a sign. It's insane to let another person lay their hands on you esp when they are a loved one. Your supposed to be able to trust him and not be afraid. Get out now! Stop making excuses and leave!! It'll only get worse from here and one day you'll be at the hospital b.c. your husband abused you. or you'll be dead.

[LaFilleTriste]

I just find it very difficult to leave. We have no children together and we don't own any property or anything like that. I feel that I should just stay and try not to make him mad. I know I sound stupid but I have nowhere to go if I leave him. I used to live with my parents, and I cannot go back there because bad things were happening to me when I lived there. I cannot afford to live on my own. I don't know what to do, but I feel like I just cannot leave. I still love him inspite of it all. More than anything I just want things to work out between us. I shouldn't have even bothered to ask this question if I already knew leaving wasn't an option.

[Aurian]

I know you still love him. I still love mine. But it never stops. It will never get better. Nothing you do will stop him from getting mad. There will always be something small he will blow up about. There will always be something he can hit you about. There will always be something he can blame you for. He is not rational. He will get to the point where you even breathing is an offense. You will never get back that person you fell in love with in the first place. That is the illusion, what you are clinging to. This person you are with now is the real person. And I mean it that it only escalates.

 

Are you sure your parents are not safe? Mine convinced me that my parents were awful people, just like he convinced me that I was awful. It was not true and they were supportive when I finally divorced him. Friends? A woman's shelter? Try going to your doctor and telling her that you are in an abusive relationship and are trapped. She/he should know where to go.

 

Don't stay because you are scared. Nobody deserves this. Get out before he breaks you.

[LaFilleTriste]

I cannot stay with my parents, not because of anything he's been saying about them, but because my stepdad was sexually abusing me. I know there are other options. It's really hard for me.

[justpaisley]

Were your parents the ones doing the bad things that were happening while you lived there, or were you arguing with them because of your husband? Do you have aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, friends that could help you?

 

There are always options. Unless your husband gets serious counseling (including being apart from you for a while) you are in immediate danger. Considering everything he's done to you so far, it will only get worse.

 

I'm assuming by Bay Area, you're talking about in California, so link removed in that area for battered women. Please call any of those 24-hour hotlines as soon as possible. You are in the best place possible to get out of the relationship - no children, no house, nothing keeping you together except your fear of him. There ARE places you can go, people who can help you, please don't be so defeated.

 

You can't stop him from getting mad - you CAN stop yourself from being his victim.

[Aurian]

I know. It is so hard to be in this place. You do love him, you want to make this work, you feel like you're failing yourself and your relationship if you don't.

 

But you're not. He failed the relationship the day he decided to hurt you. He failed it the day he decided to put you down and treat you like garbage. He failed it the day he threatened to kill your dogs simply because you love them.

 

It will never work. Abusive people don't change. Nothing you do will ever make him change. An abusive relationship is like KISS SLAP KISS SLAP KISS SLAP KISS SLAP. Every time you get a kiss, you get a slap later. Every time you get slapped, you get a kiss. You try shut out the slaps and only remember the kisses. However, you do not deserve the slaps.

 

He may say he's sorry, but if he really was, he would stop. He wouldn't even do it in the first place.

 

You know what is right. Do what is best for yourself. I know its scary, but sometimes you have to face the fear and do it anyways. I can tell you it feels so much better once you said "its enough." I said that three weeks ago and left. And I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I loved him so much, but I love myself more and now that I've set my path, I know I have done the right thing.

[cacain119]

The examples you gave were NOT laughable; that's the reality of abuse, and it's sickening. I agree with some of the other posters, however -- you are clinging to an image.. the person that you originally fell in love with, but he's not coming back and this is what you're left with. You deserve better. I would personally seek help on different levels. First, find a friend or a shelter for battered women -- they will help you to get on your feet. Secondly, find counseling for yourself. Something tells me that the abuse in your home is linked to you finding an abusive man -- abuse is always a sick cycle. There are so many men out there that know how to love someone for who they are and you should not be limited to this jerk. Get help and get it FAST. The frequency doesn't matter -- this should be a *no tolerance* issue with you, and again -- echoing the other posters, it only gets worse.

[LaFilleTriste]

I agree with what you are saying. I just find it hard because for the past 2 and half yrs, he's been my life, the person that I've always been around, and without him, it feels like there's no one else to be there for me. I only have 2 friends, and they live far away so I don't see them very often. I would just be all alone with my 2 dogs and no one else. I don't feel like it would be much difference to leave because I would still feel lonely and sad. It must feel like I'm rejecting your guys' advice, but I really do appreciate what you guys have to say about it.

[Aurian]

You would feel lonely, but you wouldn't be sad. You wouldn't have someone beating you physically, verbally and emotionally. It is better to be alone than to have someone drag you down.

 

I made him my world, but I now know it is so much better to be alone than it is to be together with someone who makes me miserable.

[Tesseract_Witch]

"Should I try to work things out?" Well; do you like pain and suffering? Sorry to put it so blatantly, but that is how you must approach it; you can offer to help him, but not at your expense.

[itsallgrand]

It doesn't seem like he would eventually kill me, but he does exhibit violent behavior.

 

Look at this, sad girl. Oh, I am very sorry you are so sad. I am very sorry you are choosing to stay with this man.

 

Your quote: what does it say to you? Can you imagine if a friend said this to you , or your mother, about their husband? What would you think or say to them?

 

To me, it says "LaFilleTriste has thought about the possibility of being killed by her husband." That is not okay. In a healthy relationship, that thought would never cross your mind. You would never wonder "I wonder if he could kill me or might one time? I wonder what he is going to do today? Is he mad, sad, how is he feeling - I need to be careful not to set him off."

 

Do you ever think like that? I imagine it must be incredibly stressful for you. F

 

Do you think that you deserve to be hurt?

You don't. You are worth a lot. You matter. I am so glad you posted here.

 

Please look further into the resources provided here. How about going to speak to someone at the local woman's shelter or mental health facility?

 

You can always call the Police, too. Please remember that.

 

I'm hopeful for you. You are smart, and brave, and I think you want something better for yourself. I think you want out - you just need a hand finding a way. It's also good that he does not hover over you constantly. I see you got some time to yourself without him around to post here - so that is another good thing.

 

You aren't alone. Please keeping writing here. Let us know how you are doing.

[Spugly Fuglet]

you need to get out, once out you can try to get him help but its about you right now, hitting you is a violation of your human rights, in doing what he's doing he's made him self less than a man, ask this what kind of man hits a woman for his own gratification, a sick one that's who, he needs help but wile your with in hitting range there is no resen for him to get any. most western countrys have argnisations and charitys that have safe houses you can got to even for a short brake, but you have to get away from him asap.

 

his a repeet hitter so this is not a one off and he likes the power and has now same so he will keep on doing this to you and any children you may have.

 

others have said the same and thay have been throw this hell.

 

this is what I feel on the matter

[Luck of the Irish]

Are you joking? You are co-dependent and in some major denial. File a restraining order and run far away from this loser. Call the police. They don't take domestic violence lightly. Meet a real man.

 

But he never has actually injured me. The most he's done is leave a few small bruises.

Ma'am, I hate to break this to you, but bruises ARE injuries.

 

He's not as abusive as other people's abusive husbands are

Hate to be the bearer of bad news again, but most husbands aren't abusive at all.

 

he doesn't control who I speak to or where I go or how I dress, etc.

 

But he beats you and berates you and hurts your dogs? That's not a very good trade. I'd take the controlling instead.

 

When people are physically abused, is that a sign that you should automatically leave the relationship?

Not necessarily, but this is way beyond physical abuse. It is psychological rape. Forget the self help hotlines. The only number you need is 911. Stay in a motel room if you have to. Run far away. You may love him, although its in a twisted way, but he certainly doesn't love you!

[coollady1957]

I agree with the other posts on this thread. It is definitely time to get out and away from this guy. You are in much danger by staying. You do NOT deserve such treatment from this man. He has some serious issues of which you do not need to be a part of. Him taking his anger out on you and physically harming you OR the pets even, is horrendous.

 

I know that you will be lonely if you leave, but you will survive that. If you stay ,he is going to continue to take out his angers on you physically and emotionally. He is going to end up literally beating you down in every way.

Please find yourself somewhere to go. Let us know how things are going.

[RayKay]

You MUST MUST MUST get away from this man. It does not matter that it would be difficult, and hard, and that he is all you know, it really doesn't, because bottom line is he is extremely abusive and this is NOT normal in any respect.

 

To me it does not matter if the physical violence is only "occasional" or that he USED to treat you well, or you don't "think" he would kill you...honey, you are so in it you don't see it.

 

No, he will not change. I know that is what you want to hear, but I am not going to say it. But I will say that if you stay, it will not get better, and you will get further dependent and further "victimized". It is very apparent to use that you are abused because of even the way you defend the abuse.

 

NO ONE whom knows what a healthy relationship is, would look at your story and say "I agree, you should stay!". ONLY someone being abused would excuse physical abuse as they are "only bruises", only an abused victim would consider shoving food in your face and so on as something others may think of as "funny". He has your own logic processes warped honey.

 

I have had my share of relationships, and my share of disagreements and fights in them and NEVER EVER have I been threatened, nor my pets or family been threatened, have a hand laid on me or been called any such atrocious names. REAL men whom LOVE do NOT treat their partners this way. EVER.

 

He is already murdering you emotionally & mentally sweetie, your body may still be there (for now) but he is killing you slowly. And, guess how many abused women also thought their partners would "never kill them". Guess how many of them are no longer around to speak?

 

I know you believe you love him, but I think you love what you HOPED he would be, not what he truly IS, and honestly honey, you are not loving the person whom needs it the most - YOURSELF.

 

You are in a cycle of abuse, and you MUST put an end to it. Being alone (and you won't be really, as there is support out there) is MUCH MUCH MUCH better than being in such a horrific relationship.

[LaFilleTriste]

A reason why I have stayed in this relationship is probably my low self esteem. I have always had low self-esteem since after high school, and now it's just gotten worse after being with him. Sometimes I think that no one else would ever want me anyway because I'm too fat and ugly. I feel that this is probably the only relationship I'll ever have because I'm so lame. I think that he hits me because I look like crap, so I should be treated like crap. I have other major issues besides this one, so I just feel hopeless about everything in my life. I feel like why should I fix anything that is messed up in my life if I'm just pathetic. It doesn't seem like it matters because I feel all of this was meant to happen to me.

[Aurian]

Nobody deserves this. If you have low self-esteem, any face in the mirrow would look ugly, but in reality you are likely pretty and good looking. So you're not a supermodel, nobody looks that good, not even the supermodels (without airbrushing and stuff). You do not deserve this at all.

 

Listen to us, get out!!!

 

If you are still too scared, get some counselling. There should be counselling services that are affordable. Paisly posted some battered woman resources in your area, they CAN HELP YOU. Help you with counselling, getting out of this abusive relationship and helping you get on your feet again.

 

Please, you deserve to be loved. Love yourself first.

[Beyondthesea]

Hi babe,

 

only recently saw this thread, and I can honestly say you should get out. I lived with an abusive man for 7 years and it was hard as heck getting out, but worth it 100%.

 

I was also hit only occasionally, but I can tell you that you are being emotionally abused every single day or else you would never put up with it. It's a very weird and confusing situation, and no one who hasn't been there will ever really understand.

 

Although you say you have low self esteem, I can honestly say that when I met my ex, I was absolutely opposite. I was very popular, happy and nearing being egotistical actually! Then I met him and he slowly broke me down and within 6 months I didn't know who I was anymore as I had changed in order to make him 'happy.'

 

The only way you will get out is if you decide to. I can assure you that no matter what you do or do not do, say or do not say, and no matter who you are or are not, he will always abuse you. This will never stop, and will escalate. I know you don't think he could kill you, but probability is very high in any abusive situation.

 

I want you to read this article. link removed Go to "articles" then read "identifying losers in relationships." I want you to really look objectively at the situation. If you knew someone in this situation, what would you tell them?

 

I will check back babe.

[yeawutever]

You gotta leave him for sure, no need to put up with his BS no more and that article does help identify losers.

[Janel]

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years, and i read your posts and it sounds like me years ago. I had exactly the same emotions you do now, asking myself over and over again what i should do. Everyone told me to get out of the relationship, but i didn't. Then i realized one day that i stayed in it not because i was happy anymore, but because i was trying to be happy. I kept thinking it'll get better, or he promised he was really going to try this time, but nothing ever changed. I finally ran, i went to a friends and even had to move and change my phone number. But it was worth it. The longer i was away from him, the more i realized how bad things really were, things i couldn't see when we were together. So i ask you to please do whatever it takes to leave him, believe me, things will only get better once you do.

[SadScot]

I so feel for you. I am in an abusive relationship myself which is reaching crunch point. What he is doing meets the classic criteria of abuse.

 

Abuse makes us feel crushed and worthless. It is NOT your fault and it is NOT right the way he is treating you. You deserve a healthy loving respectful relationship. I am demanding that my partner seek help which he has agreed to. I love him but life is too short to be constantly driven to fear, pain, and crazy-making behaviour.

 

Look at this link if you can

link removed

Good Luck!

[nottoogreen]

Hi LaFilleTriste,

 

Please look at 146443]In love with your abuser[/url]

 

Next we should work on you self esteem. Why you think you have low self esteem?