what have you learned?

[monkey1]

i'm curious, for those of you who have been in a relationship before, what have you learned about yourself? is there something that you've learned that you would try or not try and do in another relationship in the future ... like be more trusting, not be so selfish, etc.

[Dako]

I learned I should be single.

[ElektraHere]

I learned I should be single.

 

Oh Dako!!!

 

I still am in the processing of learning things. I have recognized certain behaviors that must change. I would say they are destructive habits within a relationship. Meaning letting things go with the flow and putting negative thinking out of the equation.

 

I also learned to value myself more.

[PRSOV]

- I have learnt to become more tolerant of others and their feelings. People have their own issues even though they may not show it or say it.

 

- I have learned to value myself more than before, and I am worth a lot more to myself than I think.

[renaissancewoman101]

I've learnt to be selfish a bit in my next relationship and not always do all the giving.

 

I've learnt to NOT date guys who are in their 30's and still act like little kids.

 

I've learned to speak up about what I want instead of always keeping it in and resenting the other person when they dont do what you want because they never knew what you wanted in the first place.

[Meow18]

From past relationships I have learned how I want to be treated in a relationship.. and that I deserve nothing less than that.

[friscodj]

I learned that I am an evil, selfish, and heartless bastard...

 

No seriously, I bet I could go through all my posts on ENA here and write a freaking book...and I could write one here on your question but I'll spare you!

[lonestar_80]

I've learnt to be selfish a bit in my next relationship and not always do all the giving.

 

I've learnt to NOT date guys who are in their 30's and still act like little kids.

 

I've learned to speak up about what I want instead of always keeping it in and resenting the other person when they dont do what you want because they never knew what you wanted in the first place.

 

Amen! I feel the same way. I have dated men in their 30's that I would think that they have it together by now but NO They don't. They act like kids!

[mystik]

I've learnt to be selfish a bit in my next relationship and not always do all the giving.

 

I third this. I thought that was what it meant to be a good girlfriend...that I had to do this to make the relationship work, that it's not my sole duty to make a relationship work...that I had to have expectations of my boyfriend. He was nice enough but I don't think I expected enough from him, if that makes any sense at all. I thought him being nice to me was enough but there is more to that, many people can do that.

 

I've learned that I cannot plan my life and dreams around this one person because nothing is ever a guarantee. Even if I feel that it will last forever, doesn't mean that it will, and I should be somewhat prepared for that and not live in a fairytale.

 

I've learned to trust my instincts.

 

I've learned (in my early dating years) that you can't change someone. I didn't actually try to change any of my exes, but I did hope and believe that one day they will change, from butthead to prince charming on their very own. UNLIKELY TO HAPPEN. I learned that the way I get them, is the way they're always going to be so I shouldn't be naive and think differently.

 

This is a great topic!

[nottoogreen]

• To strive for balance of myself, of my relationship and of my life.
  

• I've learnt to be selfish a bit in my next relationship and not always do all the giving.

• Hope75: Now that I am older, I know how to appreciate a guy who is DEPENDABLE (vs, what I used to call "predictable"), and caring, loving, and RESPECTFUL (my previous definition of "boring"!).
  
• melrich: We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.
  
• meow18: Committing your love to someone means losing the chance to experience another's love. So just be sure the person you’re committed to deserves your love or else it’s not worth the sacrifice.
  
• RayKay not the "little head" that makes a relationship truly worthwhile, enriching, rewarding and pleasurable. Not by a "long" shot.
  
• Slacker: It's not about the quantity of motivation, it's about the purity of motivation.
  
• VeganBohemian: To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
  

[nottoogreen]

- I have learnt to become more tolerant of others and their feelings. People have their own issues even though they may not show it or say it.

Good, but don't overdo it.

 

- I have learned to value myself more than before, and I am worth a lot more to myself than I think.

You are, it is great you realize that!

 

Balance is it.

[iceesnowbubble]

i've learned not to push the other person's buttons. I guess it's something that i do without realizing.. so i need to work on that. I've also learned that I need to be more appreciative of certain things. On top of all of that, I've ALSO learned that i should be single, just like dako.

[nottoogreen]

I've learnt to NOT date guys who are in their 30's and still act like little kids.

But be careful as older guys are more likely to use you as an anti-depressant.

 

A positive, capable guy about your age who loves, respects and cares about you will be best in the long run.

[InaneCathode]

I've learned my own self doubt is my worst enemy. After banishing it for the most part over 6 months ago my life has never been more fulfilling.

[randiandriien]

Well this is from my current relationship...but I learned that I love him more than life itself. I've learned that the smallest promises mean the most.

[Momene]

I agree about the selfish bit. You have to be a bit selfish as you totally lose yourself pleasing your partners. I've learned that hard way that if someone really wants to leave there is nothing you can do to stop them. Also:

 

1. Whilst my behaviour may have contributed to a premature end to some relationships, none of my previous ones would have lasted the distance anyway

 

2. Be careful with money as you may find yourself poorer one day

 

3. Keep some contact with friends and interests so you're not totally dependent on your partner

 

4. Keep some money each for yours and your partner's personal use

 

5. In long relationships people will drift apart but will also drift together again at times

 

6. You will get hit on at times and you will get attracted to others in more than a superfical way. Avoid temptation

 

7. It's better to split with someone BEFORE moving on with someone else

 

8. Being alone is better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship

 

9. The time you spend with your kids is repaid with interst when they are older. My daughter and I are really close

 

10. If family or close friends don't like your partner, there is often something they see in them that is a red flag that you can't

 

11. Don't get involved with anyone who is addicted to anything

 

12. You can be clingy or independent. Neither are wrong but your partner must be the same as you

 

13. Good looking people aren't necessarily the best in bed

 

14. Don't be with someone in the hope of changing them. If you can't accept them for who they are, stay clear

 

15. Break-ups can be tough, even VERY tough but you can get over them as others have before you

 

Finally:

 

Don't criticise your partner's faults. It's because of them that they didn't get a better partner.

[celticghirl]

ive learnt not to let myself be taken for granted and also to be a bit selfish as well

[Stambler]

Keep up the "effort" you put forth in the beginning of the relationship – never assume that you can act as you feel all the time. Sometimes (more often that not) you have to put on a happy face for your partner, just like you did when you first met

 

Listen, listen, listen…

 

Don't criticize

 

Compliment often

 

Don't worry about the little things – always stop and think "Is this worth getting angry about? How does it compare to losing my partner?"

 

Don't assume that your partner's bad mood ALWAYS has something to do with you. Ask what's wrong ONCE, if they don't want to discuss it – let it go – give them some space to think things through – they are entitled to some personal thoughts!

 

Very, very important – have your own lives! Do things with your friends and/or alone as well as doing things as a couple – this is a necessary, healthy balance.

 

Remember, you won't die without them, but you want to be with them because you love them. Don't turn your want into a clingy need!

[Iggy5129]

From my the one long term relationship that I've had, I learned that I used to be a freaking psycho and to act the complete opposite of that in my next relationship. But the relationship did really teach me a lot about what does not work in a relationship.

[Momene]

From my the one long term relationship that I've had, I learned that I used to be a freaking psycho and to act the complete opposite of that in my next relationship. But the relationship did really teach me a lot about what does not work in a relationship.

 

... but if you hadn't been a psycho would it have ended anyway?

 

I sometimes think that if a relationship is basically sound you behave more better naturally! Even if you're not experienced.

[StarLily]

I learned that I should be more trusting and less paranoid and most of all, never ever show my true feelings. Apprently, when you let a guy know that he "got you" he stops trying to impress you and doesn't spend as much time with you as he used to. It hurts like hell. Just my experience..

[tictactoe2006]

I learned not to date anyone who has any sort of connection to her ex -boyfriend, ex-fiancee, ex-husband, etc. Because he will ALWAYS re-enter the picture and she will ALWAYS choose him.

[chigal28]

I have learned that balance is SO important, and to remember that the rest of my life--work, friends, family, hobbies, personal growth--are just as important as the relationship, and they need to be nurtured if my relationship is to stay healthy.

 

I've learned not to hedge my bets and cope with insecurities by being unfaithful. I can't believe it took me so long to learn this, and I know I've hurt people, but I finally started to cope with the underlying reasons why I used to do it and my outlook has completely changed.

 

I've learned to give my partner the benefit of the doubt, in all regards.

[enivel]

I've learned that even though things seem to be moving, sometimes they are not and it can hit you hard when you realize that.

 

I need to find someone who I can communicate with, and with whom I feel I is on the same mental level.

 

I need to give more of myself (be less selfish) in some areas and try to be more open and understanding of what my partner is looking for, especially long-term.

 

I should not get into situations where someone is looking for something different than me... it just doesn't work.

[Oldboy]

Teach them to follow you and then learn to follow them. Be independent of them. Let them be independent of you. Don't be needy or need them. Love yourself as much as them. Don't give all your love to them, keep some for yourself. Indulge in more foreplay.