It finally happened last night.

[JenJohn]

I met a man several months ago. He is a local celebrity in the town I live in. I became friends (just friends!) with him by going to his performances and through e-mails, phone calls, and chatting online. I began hanging out with him and his friends socially.

 

But somehow things started to heat up between me and him. We 'clicked'. We were very flirtatious, but always platonic. And here's why: HE'S MARRIED WITH 2 CHILDREN AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!! I have never cheated and did not want to be a homewrecker. I sincerely mean that! But as we got to know each other, I picked up on some things he said about his marriage. For example, they got married very quickly after their previous marriages and he spends a lot of time away from home socializing at night and they don't have as much sex anymore. Then finally a few days ago, he expressed (in a round-about way) that he wanted to have an affair with me.

 

Then it kinda happened...last night after one of his performances. We met up at a bar with all his friends and things were like they always are. But when it was time to leave, he drove me to my car. Somehow that led to some touching and caressing. But being that he lives his life in the spotlight, I told him the parking lot was not a good idea, somebody might see us together. So I left. As we were driving away, he pulled over and I stopped my car. He came up to the window and started kissing me, and put his hand up my skirt. Again, I cut him off.

 

We chatted today and he seemed as excited as ever.

 

Now here's what I'm struggling with. I like what we were doing, sexually. It was exciting and new and a long time coming! Oddly, I don't feel the guilt about the moral issues that I thought I would feel. What I'm worried about is how this is all going to end someday. Because it will end someday. Oh goodness, what's going to happen next? Will his wife find out? Will this lead to a divorce? Is he really unhappy in his marriage, or 'just having fun'? How come this doesn't affect how I feel about my 3-month relationship with my current boyfriend? Will the affair continue/escalate or just dissolve? Is this going to get messy?

 

I NEVER thought I'd be in this situation. Infidelity is so frowned upon in society. But I feel so differently than I thought I would now that it's actually happened...as little as it was.

 

I know this is a long post, and I apologize for that. There is a lot going through my head right now, as you can tell. Does anyone want to share a similar experience? Give advise? Tell me I did nothing wrong? Chew me out? Call me a homewrecker? Blame me? Blame him?

[Entomon]

Hmmm - I think that if you are going to carry on the affair with this guy, you both need to end things with your significant other/spouse before continuing. At least you owe them that much respect. No one wants or deserves to be cheated on.

[renaissancewoman101]

Be careful that the feelings that you are feeling right now are feelings of infatuation and the heady "high" you are getting from having someone pay attention to you, and being involved in a "secret relationship". Sometimes the high that comes from that makes it seem like it is all worth it, when it really is only a "high" and not the real thing. Besides, karma is a bear. You wouldnt want your bf or SO to cheat on YOU, so think twice before engaging in an affair.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Hmmm - I think that if you are going to carry on the affair with this guy, you both need to end things with your significant other/spouse before continuing. At least you owe them that much respect. No one wants or deserves to be cheated on.

 

I second that. Stop making excuses.

[Hope75]

RW brings up some great points.

 

An affair is often exciting because of the fantasy aspect. You are both hiding, both doing something 'naughty' the relationship is secret, forbidden, and doesn't have to deal with all the 'real' things that healthy, commited and respectful relationships have. No bills, no kids, no family, no chores, no home, no marriage, no trust, no honesty, no love, no respect.... it seems so carefree and that is much of it's appeal.

 

However, when you think about it, it's a mess. You are both lying, both deceiving other partners, you yourself are helping to destroy a family which inicluded two children. This guy is married, and is messing with you in secret because he does not value you, nor does he think you are worth commiting to or showing around in public as his gf. Does that sound healthy? And you are doing the same.

 

A guy who would cheat on his partner doesn't exactly show savory character. I'm sure you feel like the first, but honestly, why start with you? If he can act this smooth and uncaring of his marriage, chances are he has done this before. Do you really want to get involved with a man with so little regard to marriage and family? You yourself said that you could never imagine being the 'other' women. Why now? What made you never step over the line before now?

 

It it said that only a very small percent of relationships born of affairs ever survive, and for good reason. They are born of and based on lies and deceit. If he wanted to leave his wife he would. You only have the lines he's giving you in order to get in your pants.

 

Cheating is looked down on because it's dishonest, it's unfair, it hurts people, and puts people at risk. Would you enjoy being cheated on? These are people you are hurting...people you are both supposed to care about.

 

Knowing that this isn't going anywhere and will inevitable end with more people getting hurt-- don't you think the right thing to do is to stop it before it escalates?

 

What would you tell a friend in your situation?

[fishrrshortae]

Who cares if he's unhappy in his marriage?! What right does that give you to wander in and destroy a family? If you have no self respect, take it elsewhere. You're contributing to the dissolution of a family with two kids, and not like you're thinking about them, but they're important too. One of you needs to act like an adult and consider their welfare, and it's pretty obvious it isn't going to be their insolent father.

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone

 

My vote is also against starting this relationship this way.

 

But somehow things started to heat up between me and him. We 'clicked'. We were very flirtatious, but always platonic. And here's why: HE'S MARRIED WITH 2 CHILDREN AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!! I have never cheated and did not want to be a homewrecker. I sincerely mean that! But as we got to know each other, I picked up on some things he said about his marriage. For example, they got married very quickly after their previous marriages and he spends a lot of time away from home socializing at night and they don't have as much sex anymore. Then finally a few days ago, he expressed (in a round-about way) that he wanted to have an affair with me.

 

yeah, blah blah blah.... oldest line in the book. EVERY man that starts an affair says the exact same thing. I've known girls who got into affairs with married men, and they said the same thing to them. Seriously, it is like there is a "script" for married men to tell their mistresses.

 

I think you deserve better than this treatment, like hope outlined. on so many levels, this relationship is not right, and will only wind up in disaster.

 

this is what you do - tell him that unless he leaves his wife, you refuse to be his lover. once he leaves his wife, he can call you, and you two can go on a proper date.

 

and if he doesn't leave his wife... doesn't that just indicate that he is maybe not all that "unhappy" in that situation? after all, people get divorced every day, even if they do have young children. it is human nature not to stay in a very bad situation - we put our happiness first. And if he really is that unhappy, he would leave her.

 

don't become the other woman! get out now.

[JenJohn]

I really appreciate the advise!!! It's like we know we're doing something wrong but just wanna see what happens. How do we know we really like each other (and it's not just a 'high') unless we spend time together and get close to each other? But we can't do that without an 'affair'. The dilemma.

 

Now I know why there are so many, many books and movies about this!!

 

But you ladies are right, absolutely right, our significant others don't deserve to be cheated on. And seriously, how could I ever trust my friend/lover if (by chance) we ended up together someday? I'd always worry he would cheat on me.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

How do we know we really like each other (and it's not just a 'high') unless we spend time together and get close to each other? But we can't do that without an 'affair'. The dilemma.

 

See, there's the thing.

 

He lost the RIGHT to have the freedom of finding such things out....WHEN HE MARRIED HIS WIFE.......

 

And in fact he voluntarily, and permanantly, forfeited that right.

[Cadence308]

My vote is also against starting this relationship this way.

 

This is my vote, too.

 

This is going to get messy and fast! I would tell him that you are attracted to him, but cannot get involved with him until or unless he is a single man and same for yourself.

 

I hope things sort themselves out.

[annie24]

But you ladies are right, absolutely right, our significant others don't deserve to be cheated on. And seriously, how could I ever trust my friend/lover if (by chance) we ended up together someday? I'd always worry he would cheat on me.

 

exactly. his wife doesn't deserve to be cheated on and neither does your boyfriend.

 

It is very hard, when you really "click" with someone, because that click is rare. And people do sometimes marry the wrong person. so... what to do? If I were you, I would stay far far away from this man, because it will be harder to have sex with him if you are far away from him!

 

If I were you, definitely, tell him that you'll date him as soon as he gets divorced. In the meantime, you should find out if he has a cute, single brother

 

and with good reason you would be suspicious of him. if you two are really meant to be and you wind up together, wouldn't you feel better knowing that you did it the "right" way and that he's not the kind of man that goes off and cheats on his wife?

[JenJohn]

I could not agree with you more, annie24, and all of you.

 

IF I did end up in a relationship with him, I really would want it to happen the 'right' way! I'd want him to end his marriage IF he's truly unhappy. And spend as much time with his kids as humanly possible. And I'd want to be able to date, like normal people. And have a long courtship. And marry only out of love.

 

But remember, we only met several months ago. I don't know if I'd marry this guy. Sure, we 'clicked' and are best of friends right now, but we're not in love. I'm not in love with my boyfriend either, just met him 3 months ago.

 

How can my friend/lover and I get closer to find out if we're actually compatible on a deeper emotional level without crossing the line? Or is that something we can only do as 2 single people? Or should I forget about this guy all together?

[Hope75]

I really appreciate the advise!!! It's like we know we're doing something wrong but just wanna see what happens. How do we know we really like each other (and it's not just a 'high') unless we spend time together and get close to each other? But we can't do that without an 'affair'. The dilemma.

 

Now I know why there are so many, many books and movies about this!!

 

But you ladies are right, absolutely right, our significant others don't deserve to be cheated on. And seriously, how could I ever trust my friend/lover if (by chance) we ended up together someday? I'd always worry he would cheat on me.

 

You are absolutely right. If he ever did decide to leave his wife and be with you, he would be creating a vacancy for a new mistress. Once the relationship takes on the characteristics of a "real" honest relationship, the excitement of the "forbidden, dishonest" affair goes away.

 

If you really want to explore this as a possible relationship you need to be honest with BOTH of your partners and end those relationships before you pursue this. Don't kid yourself here- you will NOT be able to see if there is potential for a honest, commited relationship unless you knock off the cheating and try it as an honest, real relationship.

 

All you are doing now is living a lie, a fantasy, and seriously hurting other people with your selfishness.

[Hope75]

[quote=JenJohn

 

How can my friend/lover and I get closer to find out if we're actually compatible on a deeper emotional level without crossing the line? Or is that something we can only do as 2 single people? Or should I forget about this guy all together?

 

 

Yes- it's only something that you can and should do as single, available people. If you don't love your bf, do him a favor and let him go- he is in this relationship expecting that you are both exclusive and doesn't deserve this.

 

And your new "friend", has quite a bit more complicated situation than you. If he is really serious about pursuing this with you, he will leave his wife and give it a try. Something tells me if you gave him that ultimatum (leave your wife or we don't mess around) he'd drop you like a hot stone. Why? because he's not really interested in ending his marriage and starting up something with you-- you're just some fun he's looking to have on the side while he goes home to his wife and kids.

 

Honey, do you want leftover scraps from a married man, honestly?

[tylercdurden2004]

WAIT! You cheated on your BF and he cheated on his wife and 2 CHILDREN and people are telling you to be careful and end your current relationships first. There are young children involved who sadly do not have a choice in this matter but yet that doesnt bother you? I am really perplexed.

 

He is a celebrity and at the end of the day if he is doing this with you to his wife and especailly children I can guarantee you are not the last.

[JenJohn]

I hear you and respect everything you are saying. It's advise I'd give to any of my girlfriends. So thank you.

 

And I have lots to think about. He and I will probably chat later, so we have some things to talk about. I really don't want to lose him as my friend and buddy. And I want him to be happy, even if that means staying with his wife (I've even told him that). I want me to be happy too and not do anything 'wrong'. People, I just like this guy. We have fun together, talk about so many things, and are both wildly attracted to each other. But none of that is worth it to end up in the hot seat one day explaining to his kids why their mommy and daddy hate each other. If he wants to get a divorce I don't want that to have anything to do with me.

[annie24]

i think you shouldn't try to go the "friends" route as it will just be too tempting, and it prevents you from meeting and marrying the man of YOUR dreams. it's a slippery slope - being friends with someone who is unavailable.

 

i agree with hope's ultimatum proposition. see what he says....

[yeawutever]

You stated you did not want to be a homewrecker, but that's what you're starting to do now and it could have led to further. Though you stop it at caressing and kissing, it was still cheating afterall. If he is indeed very unhappy with his marriage and wants you, he should end it and leave his wife. And if you're unstable with your b/f, yu should end it was well. But from the looks of it, he only seems to be using you as a backup, as a thrill whenever he feels the need to fullfilled his wants he doesn't get from his wife and you're onyl infatuated by him. If you love your b/f, stop his and make no more contact with him.

[JenJohn]

OK, so we've bashed me and him for knowingly and willingly starting an affair. And I deserve that, I know. But what's next? He and I will definitely still see each other, no way around that. We have the same social circle now, and I'm not going to give up all my frienships.

 

Is it best to tell him I won't be involved unless he's single? Or not even give him the hope and temptation? This is difficult for me because despite what happened last night, I like him as a friend and I don't want to hurt anybody. Most of this has been him pursuing me. So I don't feel like I've been trying to root out his wife and kids. That's just not the way it is.

 

So if he's really not happy with his marriage, should I even have to give him an ultimatum? Shouldn't I just see what kind of integrity he has without being told what to do?

[Hope75]

He has already shown you he does not have integrity by lying, cheating on his wife, and using you.

 

And whether be pursued you or not, you had the option to say NO and leave the situation, but you consented. That makes you as guilty as he is in wrecking his family.

 

You do not have to give up your friends in order to NOT see him or allow yourself to be exposed to him. Now you are making up excuses because you don't WANT to stop seeing him... despite the fact that you know it's wrong. I don't really buy into your "no guilt, no conscience" attitude either. There's a reason that before him you never wanted to be the other woman.

 

Why not show yourself that YOU have some integrity by cutting all ties with this guy AFTER telling him that if he really wants to pursue you he will do it honestly, by ending his supposedly "unhappy" marriage?

[renaissancewoman101]

Hey now, I think you guys are being a bit harsh on her. She knows that what she is doing is wrong and she is telling us that she DOESNT want to get involved with him or break up his family. It has mostly been HIM who is initiating the stuff with her, although she is consenting to it. If she can keep her boundaries straight and not mess around with him or allow him to mess around with her, I dont think a platonic friendship is out of the question. If you guys are really advocating that she have NOTHING to do with him, then you are also essentially asking her to give up her social life with him and his circle of friends. I think that is being a bit harsh.

 

She is a big girl and she knows the difference between right and wrong and she has already stated what she DOESNT want, so cut her some slack.

[annie24]

So if he's really not happy with his marriage, should I even have to give him an ultimatum? Shouldn't I just see what kind of integrity he has without being told what to do?

 

If I were in your shoes, I would just say, "well, I am not the type of woman who gets involved with a taken man, so if you decide to divorce your wife one day, and you get the ball rolling (ie, move out, contact a lawyer, get the divorce official), give me a call. In the meantime, I will be on the lookout for single men."

 

well... that is what I would say anways.

 

it's not even an ultimatum, making him make a choice, so much as it is you just setting your boundaries.

[theantibarbie23]

 

She is a big girl and she knows the difference between right and wrong and she has already stated what she DOESNT want, so cut her some slack.

She already started going down a slippery slope the best way to stop things from taking a turn for the worst is to stay away from him.

 

If ever you want to see where having an affair with this man may lead go here:

 

link removed and check out the other man/other woman forum and see the kind of personal self-induced hell these people are living on a daily basis. Affairs are glamourized in our society and it's a shame. Someone always winds up being hurt in these situations... most of the time the other woman or man is one of them.

 

Save yourself the drama and pain. Leave this guy alone. He has already shown he isn't a person of integrity. If he had integrity, he wouldn't be looking to do this to his family.

[annie24]

thanks for that link AB! I've seen that site, along with other sites specifically talking about the "other man/other woman" situations. And they really are pathetic. They are spewing on about how vile the wife is, and how the husband just wants to get out of there... and they just sit around waiting for years for him to leave his wife... yeah, these people are definitely in a hell of their own making.

 

As for "you don't want to leave him because of your mutual friends"... if I read it right, you said you met him and his friends a few months ago. Yes, I bet they are cool people, but it sounds like they are more HIS friends than yours. It's not like you've known these people forever. I think it might be worth keeping your distance from them, or at least only go out with them when you know this guy isn't going to be there.

 

On another note, that no one has mentioned.... you said he is a "local celebrity." That means that people are watching his actions closer than they are the average joe's. What happens if people find out you two are canoodling, and word gets out around town or it winds up in the local paper? Do you really want to have a reputation around town as the husband stealer? No one will respect you. Women won't trust you around your husband, and men will just think you're easy and trampy. I certainly don't want to be my town's Monica Lewinsky!

[JenJohn]

So we had the talk last night!! After reading all of your comments and considering everything, I brought up the issues with him. It was a 4-hour talk!!, so I can't tell you everything.

 

But here's the deal. I'm not trying to steal him away and fall in love with him like some Danielle Steel novel. He is not mine and I know this. We are both aware that what happened was wrong and luckily we didn't do that much. But we are going to remain good friends. See, a little while ago we tried to have no contact with each other for one week. But all of our mutual friends were calling me and asking why I never hang out anymore, and one friend even said, "Don't you ever leave us." So, yeah, we're actually all pretty good friends, I've known these people for 8 months now. He does live in the spotlight and I'm sure there are hundreds of women who would love to tell his wife that he's having an affair and break them up. But I don't want to break them up. I told him he's a grown man (he's 40) and he can make his own decisions about that and I didn't want me to have an effect on that.

 

What's weird, though, is that whatever has gone one between us seems like it's a completely separate thing from our normal, everyday lives. But we agreed that it's just infatuation. I still like my boyfriend and he still wants to have his family. I don't think either of us really intended to ditch our significant others to have a real relationship together.

 

Between me and him, there's a lot of mutual adoration, attraction, and respect. I'm so glad I got the courage from you all to talk straight with him. I didn't want to lose my friend over this, but I also didn't want to screw up his life or mine. I think we've come to an agreement, and it's the best thing for everybody. I appreciate all of your thoughts!

 

OK, somehow this does feel like a Danielle Steel novel!!