It's been a year now

[Orlander]

Last weekend I was talking to my dad, whom I talk to everyday, and he got mad at me for not moving on from the breakup with my ex and not finding someone else. I was more upset then I have been in weeks.

 

It's coming up on a year since my ex said I either convert to her religion or she will breakup with me (she strung me along for another 7 months aftwards though with hopes of getting back together).

 

It's still impossible to believe sometimes that its over and I shake my head in disbelief that we aren't together anymore. We were nearly perfect for each other.

 

It's been strict NC for months now. For a long time I have been just trying to heal, not really interested in dating, but it has been nearly a year and I want to want to start dating again.

 

I see some parallels between what I am going through now and what I went through after healing from my last ex, but I just havent met anyone I click with or really want to date. I'm on link removed, but its a wash so far. It seems impossible to ever find another woman who possessed so many amazing qualities as my ex (minus the whole religious interance though).

 

I know I should be over my ex by now...at least I am putting pressure on myself to be over her. That feeling coupled with the pressue of feeling I will never find anyone again is really bringing me down.

 

Perfect girl for me, where are you??? It's so tough for me to meet quality women.

 

Ugh, when I met my ex I was in a much better place, was nearly over my then ex girlfriend and was getting over my shyness. I feel like I am back at square one. One thing keeping me together right now is I am going to start seeing a therapist soon.

 

 

Orlander

[Dako]

Your father's mad at you?

As much as I loved my father, I'd tell him to back off if he ever criticized me for grieving a loss, which is pretty much what you're dealing with.

If you put yourself deeply into a relationship and got your heart broken, it can take more than a year to become your new self, yet never be the same as you were.

 

I wonder about online dating. How can you pick someone from a catalog as if you're buying an umbrella? I know some people can do it, but after a bad breakup it seems surreal, doesn't it?

 

Hopefully you'll meet your inspiration when the time's right.

[AWomanScorned]

When my husband abandoned me for another woman five years ago I didn't believe I would ever recover.

 

Five years later it is still a process, being that he has since reappeared back in my life. I often wonder will I ever be able to trust another man again? I believe that I will, it just takes time.

 

Like your sign says it does, eventually, get better.

 

~Persephone~ (((HUGS)))

[justme1]

You still think that gal was so right?

 

You were in the wrong relationship in the first place. Sounds like you got tangled up with someone that YOU KNEW had strong religious/family blah blah stuff going on...

Admit the fact that you knew this and when it came time to do, what you led her to believe you were going to do or capable of doing for her, you didn't go through with it. YOU set youself up for this a loooong time ago.

 

She sucks for expecting you to do something you don't want to do...but some people are SERIOUS about religion and put their faith above everything else. She also sounds like she wanted things to work out but knew they couldn't...she seems to have had issues moving on as well or was just thinking it was kind to slowly drift away..(wrong thing to do since it leads people to believe something could happen, but anyways)

 

Stop feeling like she was nearly perfect...SHE WASN'T and ISN'T!

LET HER GO!!! GOOD BYE! LATER!

The next relationship try talking about religion within the first couple of dates...

 

Get over this chick and get back out there...

many great people to meet...

you are being stupid

[Dako]

Justme,

 

I disagree, especially with your last line.

[brando]

justme, "you are being stupid"

 

 

Totally unecessary.

[Orlander]

Thanks for posting everyone.

 

A year or so prior to my breakup, we had a heart to heart about religion. My ex swore to me that she was ok with my views on religion and that our differences would not be an issue as we would accept each other's opinions on religion, talk about them and try to grow together.

 

Last year around this time she had a "spiritual awakening" at church one sunday and thus the breakup. My only mistake was not ending things immediately when she initially gave me the ultimatum to convert to her religion.

 

Yeah, we had issues in our relationship, but what relationship didnt?? The point was we always addressed our problems and tried to work them out. We approached life with the attitude "Let's walk together no matter what."

 

She wasn't perfect and neither was I. Our relationship was flawed but even with its flaws I have never ever experienced anything similiar to it. My only hope is that there is someone much better out there for me. I believe that and I know that I am more mature now and am capable of a much much more meaningful, lasting relationship.

 

Now, where do I find her? link removed sucks. it is like picking someone out of a catalog and seeing if the "item" is on backorder. It's no different than how I met my current ex. I saw her at a bookstore and approached her. We all have to start somewhere.

 

I'm going to be focusing these next few months on orgainizing my life to have the best opportunity of finding love again. This is the longest I have gone without finding someone. I know there are good women out there...they just must be hiding.

 

 

Orlander

[FoxLocke]

Orlander just put his soul on the floor and you(justme)pounced on his like a rabid dog. That was so not cool.

 

As it is Orlander I don't know what to say. Break ups really suck, especially when you aren't the person that wants to do it.

 

You'll recoup. Just give it sometime. Maybe you need to just do the dating thing and avoid a serious relationship, as you're still raw...

[Orlander]

justme, i'm not going to take offense at your post. Maybe my post struck a nerve with you. Maybe I am being stupid...it might come with the territory of trying to heal. I often want desperatly to get over my ex so she means nothing to me.

 

Much of the passion in my heart has left. I used to really love dating and women. I want that back.

 

 

Orlander

[Zoey]

ahhh, O. I know how you feel

 

it took me a good 3 years to get over my ex (the jerk of my life) It takes time.

 

Your dad just worries and loves you that's why he got upset. No parents want to see their children in pain.

 

Yes, it takes time and it will only get better as it does. =)

[justme1]

I stick by my comments whole-heartedly...

 

Sometimes it takes someone to slap you in the face and tell you "Snap out of it!"

 

You need to be happy being single...you aren't going to meet anyone new because you reek of the one that got away. Hold your head up and stop thinking about her. Think about you!

[brando]

Now that was much better said than calling him stupid. That was just wrong and ineffective.

[Spawn]

I have been through most of your threads orlander, keep on trying, there are enough fish out there and with your maturity and the lessons learnt from your last relationships its seems you might land up with a good one there.

 

link removed and all the online dating thing, sometimes they all feel so unreal.

 

I saw her at a bookstore and approached her.

 

hmm...so have you tried any new bookstores, mate?

 

Hang in there...life is always full of surprises right round the corner.

 

I am sure when you meet that person all the effort you did put in and the wait, those won't make you feel like eternity any more.

 

Good Luck!

[Orlander]

Thanks guys. Well, I guess I feel strong enough finally to try to move on. Problem is I am stuck in fear and anger at the moment. I have recently been letting myself dwell on what happened because I am finally strong enough to handle the thoughts/emotions.

 

I keep telling myself instead of feeling anger, feel gratefulness for actually having someone who cared for me so much for 4 years. Instead of hatred, forgiveness and instead of fear, maintain absolute faith that a better relationship is right around the corner.

 

I know, believe in my heart, I am much MUCH more capable now of a greater/better relationship. I did not love my ex to the extent I am now capable of. That was one of the main reasons why the relationship ended. My faults were I took her for granted, was not giving enough and in the back of my mind I thought I could do better. There were even a few instances where I nearly ended the relationship, but didnt. Looking back, this breakup was for the best thing for me because it has made me into the man I am today, even though I am stuck at the moment.

 

However, knowing what I want now out of a relationship makes it much harder trying to find someone this time around. I won't try to lie: when I met my ex I was not interested in a relationship. I was interested in dating around. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but was pressured into one. I also had very very strong feelings for another woman when I met my ex. I think the relationship was doomed from the start.

 

There were times I felt guilty because I did not love my ex like she loved me. Though, once we broke up I realized what I had lost and what was missing from my life and from myself as a person. So, I spent much of this past year in changing what I felt I needed to change.

 

It would seem that I still have some work to do. I was talking to someone about my situation the other day and she said "Don't try to be happy being alone, just try to be content." I guess that's what I need to shoot for.

 

What do you think? Is anyone here actually happy being single and not dating?

 

 

Orlander

[Belle]

Aw sweetie, there's nothing wrong with taking time to get over it. After the love of my life, it took me 3 years to move on. I'll never do that again!! I have spent a lot of time grieving relationships instead of learning to look for what I really need in one.

 

One of my best friends took about 2 years to fully recuperate after his ex fiancé broke his heart. He's now dating but it was a rocky road. You'll know when you're ready.

 

I think what may be holding you back are the regrets you had about what you did or didn't do in the relationship. You're a lot like my friend was. He grew up a lot after that breakup. Realized how much he took her for granted, wished he had loved hher the way she deserved to be loved. You can't go back. What he did was protect his heart and realize that if she could so callously throw him aside, she wasn't the one and never would be. Now, he treats his current girlfriend like a queen and they're talking about getting married some day.

 

The fact is, you learned from your mistakes. This happened for a reason. You've learned a golden truth that most of us spin our wheels about in this forum. When someone really treats us well and shows us that they care, we often take it for granted and assume we can do better. We think the grass is greener. How much greener can it get than someone who really digs you and isn't playing games? Usually the more challenging a person is, the more drama. I don't like drama.

 

Just remember that the next time you find someone with potential. Don't look back to this one, she's not coming back. Just don't make the same mistake with the next girl. And definitely figure out if your'e compatible before you get serious.

[Orlander]

Thanks Belle. I def see parallels between where I am now and where I was a few months before I met my ex. Only this time I know I wont make the same mistakes...maybe new ones, but not the old ones. It may make it harder to find the one I am looking for, but I have time. Lord I just hope it isnt 2 or 3 years from now. I know in my heart I will be ready soon. Thanks everyone. I guess it will get better.

 

 

Orlander