Having a bad day

[beautifulmess]

Well today is day 22 of NC. I don't feel any better, I feel worse now than when we first broke up. I have tried dieting, exercising , keeping busy ..nothing is working. I have tried going out with other men and am setting a record for telling men I am sorry but I am still healing so I cannot be involved right now as I am not attracted to any of them and can only think of him. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself and don't know how to get it back. Any words of encouragement ? All I can do is sleep to avoid the pain...

[Phoenix69]

Don't forget that sometimes we have the power to change the way we feel. If you keep telling yourself you won't get over this, guess what? You Won't.

 

Congrats on keeping up the NC though, it sounds like you are working hard to keep busy. Don't date. Not until you feel you are ready to give "someone else" a chance...

 

It does get better with time. And don't stop coming here for support.

Keep us posted, Keep your chin up

[Hope75]

Hi Beautifulmess,

 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard day. Remember that really, the only true healer is time, and you are still very fresh from this breakup and so it's expected to hurt for awhile. You are doing awesome though, keeping up 22 days of NC!

 

Do you want to tell me a bit more about the relationship and the breakup?

[beautifulmess]

Hi,

My story is posted and feel free to read it. One of my biggest problems with this whole thing is feeling so weak. I was one of the strongest , independent women I know. I have always been able to deal with things and move on without too much of a problem and have never felt this way for so long, especially since we were not together that long. He said things to me that touched me deeply and I felt like I had met "the one" and that I could trust him with my heart. I have never met anyone that seemed to care so much ... that could just shut someone out like he did. A lot of people tell me that he got scared and went into a man "cave" and that he is afraid of being hurt. I have a hard time with understanding this since he is the one that was so open with his feelings towards me and to how much he wanted to be with me. I know he has been hurt badly in the past .. but he was the one chasing after me . I started the NC because I couldn't seem to stop myself from sending him e-mails and each time I sent one telling him how much I cared about him I ended up feeling worse. Everytime I think I am starting to feel better something happens to make me think of him and then I feel bad all over again. Today was a really hard day and for the first time in 22 days I started trying to think up a good reason to e-mail him, probably the only thing that stopped me was the thought of how much worse I would feel when he didn't respond.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

So I read your story, and all I can say is wow!

 

This guy has 5 kids, and isn't working?

 

Hmmm... it really seems like you were on a different page then he was in this relationship. Do you think so?

 

He basically broke up with you by ignoring you, you had to call him to get an answer!! He seems very concerned with his church and working out... he basically told you these things were more important to him than you were!

 

I know that after 6 weeks you really felt you were in love and that he might be the one, but I see this as a blessing that you didn't waste any more time on him. Honestly he seems very selfish. You really don't need this drama.

 

Keep up the good work with the NC! This is one guy who really deserves to be shut out of your life for good.

[beautifulmess]

Hi,

Yep, he has five kids with his ex-wife. As far as being on the same page welll... he is the one that did most of the talking of feelings and he was the one that was trying to move fast. Although I did not talk about my feelings that much with him because I was confused by how fast things were moving , I did try to show that I cared by my actions. I believe that he became slightly obsessed with me while we were seeing each other, he would call every 15 mins until I would answer the phone. His ex was complaining about him not seeing his kids often enough, his friend was complaining about him not going to church enough, his mom was on him about not looking for a job...he wasn't going to the gym as often... things like that. I am not sure if I mentioned in my previous posts that he claims to have add...this guy never sleeps , never stops moving and his mind is always racing. Believe me this is the last kind of man I would have chosen to fall in love with, but it happened anyways and here I am. I sometimes worry that he is with someone else now, but I just try to keep reminding myself that women are probably not lining up to get to him.

[mikeca]

We definitely have the power to change how we feel...I was watching muchmusic and they had a spotlight on Nickelback. Now this might be nothing to most of the people on here but let me back track. LAst year this time we went on an amazing trip through alberta where they played nickelback all the time, saw my family, her friends. And after the break up they have one song called "someday" which is a great song... All this began to set me in a mood...almost wanting to cry, but then I thought of the fun positives that trip brang, and I smiled..

[beautifulmess]

I do agree with you about having the power to change the way we feel, or at least the me before I met him felt that way. Before I met him I was strong and independent and would have just moved on if someone dumped me. Something inside of me changed when I was with him and now I feel different...as though I am weak without him , and I just want to be the way I was before he came into my life and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get that strength back. Part of me thinks I must like feeling this way or I would just get over it.

[Hope75]

It takes time to get there again. We do things like keep busy, work out, see friends and family, start a new project, etc, to help distract ourselves while the time passes until we start to feel normal again. We put on an act of feeling whole until we really feel that way. The only true healer is time. Give yourself that.

 

This guy may have come on strong, but he also pulled back just as strongly. You are right, he is a bad prospect in a mate. He claims to have ADD, doesn't consistantly work, doesn't spend enough time with his (5!!) children, and doesn't treat women right. You didn't choose to fall in love with him, but now you can understand that he is not the right guy for you and make the choice to get past him.

[beautifulmess]

Yeah I know he is probably not a good mate. I asked him why his wife threw him out after 11 years and he told me that she said it's because he is crazy, that his mom says he's crazy too. He probably IS crazy and I just wasn't with him long enough to see how bad it really is. I swear there was a total personality change within a matter of days .. he was like a stranger and he didn't even remember saying some things that he had said a week earlier. He treated me very well while I was seeing him and according to him he did plan on calling me later that week. I don't think he has had one real relationship since his marriage broke up 7 years ago because most women dump him right away as soon as he tells them on the first date that he can't keep a job and wants to bring his mom along on dates. Not to mention the headstand that he did in my living room...he just got up in the middle of a conversation we were having and did a headstand ( that was just too weird). Ohhhh I don't know what is wrong with me , I think I am in love with a crazy person. I am told that he is very involved with his children for the most part by a friend that lives in the same town as his ex-wife. But while he was seeing me I guess he wasn't spending that much time with them .. probably because he was so busy dialing me every 15 mins.

[Hope75]

Wow Honey, He really does sound a little nutty. I think you are lucky that things ended when they did-- even his own mother says he is crazy, and he freely admits to others thinking the same thing.

 

You really don't need that kind of drama in your life, do you?

 

I know for myself I need someone stable, consistant and reliable, among other things to feel secure and safe in a relationship, someone I can count on as an equal partner and who doesn't totally flake out on me and not call for a week at a time!

[saltwatergirl]

LOL WHATTTTT??@!! Yep, this guy is a nutjob.

 

Salt

[rawkSTAR]

Well today is day 22 of NC. I don't feel any better, I feel worse now than when we first broke up. I have tried dieting, exercising , keeping busy ..nothing is working. I have tried going out with other men and am setting a record for telling men I am sorry but I am still healing so I cannot be involved right now as I am not attracted to any of them and can only think of him. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself and don't know how to get it back. Any words of encouragement ? All I can do is sleep to avoid the pain...

 

 

I'm going throught the same thing

I know its hard but you got to be STRONG

[screwedup]

hi, i read your story. It looks like we have something in common.

 

I think i sorted something out in my mind. in my case, i could not let go because he's so "special" and he was very nice to me. So i had this feeling of guilty, like "how stupid was i to ruin it".....You can tell from my username how i felt those days.

 

Then i realized, every relationship starts beautifully, and the guy will always say nice things and show how much he cares. The more important thing is, how long would that last. In my case and in your case, it doesn't last that long. That's it.

 

My understanding is, your guy is not capable of being in a good relationship now. Kids, job, church..... he needs to deal with his problems first. It's not your fault.

 

People change, feelings change, and that happens all the time.

 

It definitely hurts. I lived on 2 pieces of breads and one pack of cigarette a day for 7 days. Dropped 1o pounds. Could not take it anymore. Gave myself a closure. And now pulling myself together.

 

Of course it's easy to say. I understand the feeling of "nothing works". But it will get better.

 

You will pull yourself together too. Trust yourself. You are stronger than you think. I was like you before--proud, independent, and nice. So i think you will be fine, just like me.

 

BTW, are you in love with him, or are you in love with an illusion?

[beautifulmess]

hi,

was your guy a little on the nutty side too ? Yes I am in love with him, I guess you just can't help who u fall in love with. I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and that it is all my fault. It is my belief that he is so used to being dumped that he goes out of his way to point out all of his flaws so that nobody can use it against him to hurt him. He is definitely different but the thing is .. I wouldn't change a thing about him.. The way I see it now is that it really wasn't about me .. that he had things to take care of in his life and that instead of giving him the space and time he needed , I took it all personally, got panicky and insecure and pushed him away with all my e-mails. I kept apologizing for every little thing I did wrong ..the thing about e-mailing that sux is that there is no tone of voice... everything I said was misunderstood.. he thought that I was saying that I tried to hurt him while I was seeing him . The more I tried to explain the worse it got.

[beautifulmess]

I want to say I feel guilty too. He was incredibly nice and I agree with you totally about how things change.. I often wonder if he would have changed after time, but for now I can only think of him as being nice because that is the only way I know him.

[screwedup]

He's not that nutty. But he was very insecure and sensitive. I also thought he's the best ever happened to me. Well now i think, maybe the best is yet to come. ;-)

 

What i can tell you now from my "experience" is, stop obssessing about what went wrong. If his IQ matches your IQ, there should not be so much misunderstanding. You've done your best explaining things, and he still could not get it. What can you do? Nothing.

 

Calm down, and give yourself time to heal. We all do things that we later regret. But that's life. Just learn, accept the loss, and take care of yourself.

[screwedup]

I know exactly how you feel. It's like "he was so nice before. how could he suddenly turn so cold and not remember the past?". But honey, if it happens, it happens.

 

It's normal that the dumpees are always wearing the rosy glasses to look at the past. I am still doing that too. Every small thing can remind you of him, the sweet things he did for you or the sweet words he said to you. Now if something reminds me of him, I try just smile at the thought, and let it go.

[beautifulmess]

Well you have certainly come a long way a lot faster than I . Because when I am reminded I want to cry because he is not here with me. I have been in two relationships that were over 8 years long and although the break-ups were painful .. I didn't have a hard time getting through it and moving on. I just started seeing other people and it got better. This time it was different and I just feel lost. I am pretty sure that he thinks of me , since he is always non stop thinking about everything , but as to what he thinks after all I have said well it probably is not a positive thing.

[screwedup]

Stop thinking about what he thinks of you now. So what if he thinks of you as a b****? You know you are not. You've done your best appologizing and explaining, and that's enough.

 

Yep I pull myself together fast. It's like there is a switch in my mind. Finally i found it and turned the light on. You will get there too.

 

BTW, send me a PM if you want to talk more.