Feeling sexually abused

[xtina]

I getting men-phobia - funny way to put it, but not funny.

 

I never told this to anyone, but sometimes when I pass by my father's office, I see like "films" or "camming" with women showing their breast or ars. It's been troubling me for weeks now, and nearly every night I see this.

 

My father was like my idol once until I saw this. Now, I don't want to see his face, I don't want him touching me, talking to me, even looking at me, because I feel he's looking at places in particular.

Even teachers look at my breast, smile when I pass, some of them even flirt. It's making me digust myself. I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

Yesterday this guy I met in a rock festival told me he wanted to meet me and make out... Why are guys (not all) so stupid! They only think about boobs, ars and sex - basically.

 

I don't know what to do with myself. I just want the holidays to come, and go to Madeira with my mom (which is rare to feel like this, because I used to hate her). I don't care if she hits me, shouts at me, locks me in my room, I just want to get away from school and home.

 

I've been feeling like cutting - which I haven't done since January - I can't g out and jog, or get out of the house because older men will start whistling and sh*t. I'm getting paranoic, and it's killing me. I can't talk to any one about this, because all my friends know my dad, and it would be bad for him if I told them. Then I can' talk to my dad because it would become even weirder. I can't talk to anyone about the teachers, because the headmaster himself is one of them.

 

Aaahh! What can I do??? I feel so small.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Men arn't great in that respect. You'll get a lot about how it's their "biology" but .. whatever. Just treat them with caution, really, there;s nothing else you can do.

[Managor]

I'm male so I've never been in your situation, and (whether you choose to believe me or not...) I've never been one to look at others as objects, so I'm pretty useless as far as experience based advice or comments go. Not all men are like that but it's a pity so many are. I think using the biology excuse is poor, there are plenty of things which are instinctive and animal like which people choose to ignore or suppress - It doesn't make it okay.

 

As for cutting, if you don't want to leave the house to jog because of older men, maybe consider buying a treadmill to use indoors. Please don't take this in offence, and I don't want to encourage changing your appearance for the sake of others' opinions, but there's always the option of dressing more conservatively.

 

If you want more people to talk to, this website has a nice way of helping with that, and there are plenty of people here, myself included, you can PM, email or talk to over instant messenger if you feel the need.

[Meow18]

Honestly, some guys are like that. I couldn't even walk my dog down the street without guys driving by and whistling.

 

It's not a great feeling really. But it's going to happen. Some people can just be so disrespectful that they will do that kind of stuff no matter what. You just have to learn how to not let it get to you, which I know is easier said than done.

 

There will come a time when a guy will want something other than sex from you. You might have to deal with all the jerky ones first though. Actually, you don't have to deal with the jerky ones, just try to ignore them.

 

Can you talk to your mom about this while on your trip? How about a close friend?

[xtina]

Thanks Managor.

 

Tell you this, it's the beggining of summer, kinda cloudy, chilly, and I wear a M/L sweat shirt - how much concervative do you want? ^_^

[Dako]

At your age there's a lot to come to terms with, and feeling like a sexual being must be the hardest, with men looking at your maturing body or acting like jerks. In time you might be able to deal with that with confidence. Most women do.

I don't blame you for seeing men in this way right now, but don't give up on us.

[annie24]

yeah, if you are even the tiniest bit attractive, you will get more attention from men than you ever want or need.

 

in northern africa, the women adopt a "camel walk." They hold their head up, nose up, ignoring all taunts and comments.

 

do the same. just ignore them.

 

don't talk to men who are being disrespectful. sometimes I'll walk by a man who says something inappropriate, I ignore his existence.

 

now, if a man comes up to you with something nice to say, then listen.

 

let me assure you that not all men are like that. but, there are a skeezy population who think they are being charming by making the moves on you like that. ick.

 

and a lot of them prey on 17 year old girls. I noticed that too, when I was your age. Just keep ignoring them, and as you get older, they won't target you as much.

 

good luck

[xtina]

Meaw18 - The problem about my mom is that we don't have sucha strong bond. She would call my father and ask for an explanation, or start telling her family about how disgraceful this is. That's why I don't tell her a lot, she's not a very trustwordy person - I did think about telling her, but then I don't want the concequences.

 

Annie - I do ignore them, but sometimes I show the middle finger to those who pass by cars (they deserve it - makes me very angry). But even so, they take a bit of my soul every time someone does that. I've been trying to ignore it for 2 years, but ... bah.

 

I'm more scared of those who follow me - has happened 3 times, once he came to my dorrstep and put his hand under my skirt. I managed ot get in before anything else happened. It's so scary!

[Managor]

Thanks Managor.

 

Tell you this, it's the beggining of summer, kinda cloudy, chilly, and I wear a M/L sweat shirt - how much concervative do you want? ^_^

 

It's kind of hard to tell over the internet what kind of clothes someone else wears ^^

 

Anyway hope you can find people you can talk to about anything that's on your mind, whether they be in real life or online, and good luck with everything.

[annie24]

carry pepper spray with you everywhere.

 

in portugal, these things are more common than they are in the US (men being such blatant jerks).

 

have you talked to any women in their 20s about how they handle this in portugal? maybe you should ask them how they handle it.

 

trust me, this won't go away, and don't let them hurt you.

[Meow18]

 

Annie - I do ignore them, but sometimes I show the middle finger to those who pass by cars (they deserve it - makes me very angry). But even so, they take a bit of my soul every time someone does that. I've been trying to ignore it for 2 years, but ... bah.

 

The problem with that is that when you show them any sort of attention, whether it's negative (the finger) or positive (a smile), they are going to like it. THe reason guys do that is to get attention, whether it's good or bad. So really, all you should do is nothing. As sad as that sounds.

 

And the guys who follow you home, call the police! That's definitely sexual harassment. And they SHOULD NOT get away with it. I mean, if they do it to you, they might do it to other girls too.

 

Also, why not just talk to your mom about the guys that do disrespect you. You don't have to mention anything about your dad.. just about the guys in public who whistle at you and stuff.

[xtina]

Is pepper spray legal? There was some sort of spray here in Portugal that isn't legal - don't know if it's the same one.

[annie24]

I don't know what is legal in portugal, but you should go find out.

 

definitely, don't even give them the finger, better to give them no reaction at all. they get off on the attention, positive or negative. treat them like they are air - like they don't even exist. that is the way to put them in their place.

[Daddy Bear]

I never told this to anyone, but sometimes when I pass by my father's office, I see like "films" or "camming" with women showing their breast or ars. It's been troubling me for weeks now, and nearly every night I see this.

 

My father was like my idol once until I saw this. Now, I don't want to see his face, I don't want him touching me, talking to me, even looking at me, because I feel he's looking at places in particular.

that must be very uncomfortable, and i feel for you. but just because a man looks at nude women on the Internet does NOT mean that he is evil or abnormal, or that he sees his daughter in a sexual way.

 

i would bet that if you tell him it makes you uneasy to walk by his office and see those things, he'll work harder to keep them out of your sight.

[xtina]

I really don't want to tell him anything about that. Now-a-days I just pass by and NOT look - clossing my eyes. But there are days I'm trying to get the courage to say -- look would you mind not looking at this while I'm home (or something).

 

I know it's not abnormal. But it's like a shock. Having felt like my house was the only place where I was safe from 40-year old guys, finding out about this, made it very uneasy... Actually even more uneasy, as I already couldn't stand ANYONe touching me... as I've been abused when I was about 9 years old, by a 10 year old.

[Managor]

To your father there is probably a huge difference between looking at the pictures online and looking at young women in real life, and of course doubly so about his daughter.

 

You could consider shutting the door to his office whenever he's looking at things like that, so that you're not having to tell him directly and that he might realise it's making you uncomfortable, though it makes perfect sense if you don't want to have any interaction with him whatsoever concerning something like that.

[Süsser Tod]

Xtina, want to get the message accross?

 

Just close the door of the room where your dad is looking at porn. If he asks, tell him why you closed it.