Girlfriend's past...

[OneSimpleQuestion]

I have currently been dating my girlfriend for 5 months. I am 19 yrs. old and a junior in college. I have had past experiences with other girlfriends in which I have been hurt and cheated on. My girlfriend currently is perfect, everything i could ever ask for, nice, honest, and I know I can trust her. My one and only true problem is her past. She is a year younger and in her first semester at the college we both attend, kissed 9 people, slept with 5 (4 in the same fraternity), fooled around (fingering, etc...) with 5, and had sex with 2. This bothers me. I have discussed it with her numerous times and she normally breaks down suggesting she only did it because she felt peer pressured as she is a very passive person who will basically do whatever anyone asks her to do. Other than that, she had sex with two ex-boyfriends in high school. I do not like making her cry or feel bas about herself but I oftentimes cannot get this out of my head and it gives me terrible headaches and lots of stress. She is basically the type of girl I need at this time in my life and is everything I could ask for and more. I also wish not to be a hypocrite because I have actually slept with more people then her. What suggestions, if any, do you have regarding how I should handle the situation? I want the thought of her past out of my head, and quite frankly, I wish she never told me. Honestly, do you believe it will ever leave? Or should I just pick up and move on with my life and break up with her?

[Iceman26]

This bothers me. I have discussed it with her numerous times and she normally breaks down suggesting she only did it because she felt peer pressured as she is a very passive person who will basically do whatever anyone asks her to do.

 

Welcome.

 

This would REALLY bother me, simply because it shows a lack of accountability for her actions.

 

My advice is this: If you don't feel you can let this go, then break up with her. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it, simply because I would wonder what would happen if she were to be in that situation again.

[OneSimpleQuestion]

Also, I forgot to mention that we had sex the second night of knowing each other. I realize that this is 50% my fault, but this also bothers me. But, I want everyone reading this to realize that I am absolutely, 100% not afraid of her cheating on me, I know she won't do that.

[PRSOV]

Hi and welcome to eNotalone,

 

The way I see a partners ex is a bit like a nightclub, bar or whatever you want to call it.

 

She has been inside and seen what's there, tried a few different drinks until she finds the one she likes and bang, she'll drink that for the majority of the rest of the night. Why does she drink it? It has something else that none of the others did... which is the same as your case now.

 

She is with you because YOU have something that none of her ex's had. Most people never realise it but it is true. If you want to stay with her you need to be supportive, caring and understanding of her needs.

[PoloPony22]

Then stop obsessing about the past. What's done is done. People grow, people change, especially in their late teens. No one is perfect when they are a teenager! People experiment, do stupid stuff, and learn from it.

 

If you are so comfortable in the relationship, don't let your own obsessing on the past dictate how the future will be for you two. What would happen if we all did that? No progress would be made, no growing, there would be no forgiveness.

 

People do stupid things when they are young and insecure and naiive. But that's, in my opinion, part of growing up. A mistake is a mistake--but what really matters is how you learn from your mistakes. Isn't that how we all grow?

[Day_Walker]

I think you have to ask yourself what your gf's past means to you? If you really want to get over it then you just have to realize that unless something in her past you really object to, her past doesnt matter.

[novaseeker]

To me, it's about your own comfort level. Some people do not care a whit about their partner's past, others care a lot about it. Personally I think it is relevant information, but not everyone does. If you feel uncomfortable about it, and that discomfort doesn't go away, it would be best to find someone you are more compatible with.

[lady00]

Okay well it seems to me that you are holding her to a different standard than yourself because as you mention you have been intimate with more people than her and it bothers you that she slept with you the second night of knowing you. Why not start holding her to the same standard as you hold yourself? You need to seriously do some self evaluation and figure out why you think some things are okay for you to do and yet you seem really bothered by things she has done.

 

If she was too passive in the past then maybe she has had time to grow up. You say she slept with her exes so I'm not sure why you see something wrong with that...she slept with people she was in relationships with. If she had a history of cheating then I would be worried if I were you but she doesn't.

 

If it truly makes you uncomfortable then end things. I don't see how she has done anything wrong. Maybe she made some mistakes in the past by being too passive but maybe she has also grown from those experiences. If you don't suspect her of cheating, then maybe you can just let this go and move forward and stop focusing on the past. If you can't then let her go because if this continues to bother you, it will ruin the relationship.

[chemica]

Also, I forgot to mention that we had sex the second night of knowing each other. I realize that this is 50% my fault, but this also bothers me. But, I want everyone reading this to realize that I am absolutely, 100% not afraid of her cheating on me, I know she won't do that.

 

Then what exactly is your question? You are not affraid of her cheating on you and yet you have more of a past than she does. If you are still struggling with this, I honestly think you need therapy before entering a serious relationship.

 

You seem to hold your potential gf's actions to a high standards while you have absolutely none for yourself (if you were willing to sleep with her on the second night).

 

Oh, and sleeping with her on the second night she be much more of a red flag than her past. I think it shows this kind of behavior is not completely in her past.

[Cecelius]

You're a man, and you like a girl. One of the things that you like about a girl is the idea, the sense, the feeling that you are one of a select group of people to get access to her in particular ways... until you find out that you are not.

 

What's bugging you is that someone you want to like who is nice and sweet and decent, is also very pliable, impressionable and, well, easy.

 

I have no doubt she will not cheat on you. She is far more likely to become complacent, gain weight, stop being fun, or whatever -- because you are SAFE. All the other dudes just wanted the nookie, but you want to SAVE HER (from herself, it seems).

 

This, basically, is a simple case of you not being able to respect her. Further, the fact is that whatever was going on in her head at the time that this stuff was going on is still going on -- you're just the dude who happened to want to date her.

 

I would walk -- I would stop talking about it and just move on. This will not improve in your mind.

[InHiding]

I'm going to be honest. I think you should be ashamed of yourself. Her past is her business, not yours. Her past made her who she is today, which you seem to like. Whatever she did before doesn't matter. Who cares why she did it, we all make choices for ourselves, and we are the only ones that have to answer to them. If you can't handle it, you should hit the road. But how dare you judge her when you have even more of a past than she does.

[lady00]

You're a man, and you like a girl. One of the things that you like about a girl is the idea, the sense, the feeling that you are one of a select group of people to get access to her in particular ways... until you find out that you are not.

 

What's bugging you is that someone you want to like who is nice and sweet and decent, is also very pliable, impressionable and, well, easy.

 

So if I understand correctly, you think that if a girl has a certain past, a guy has a past too (the guy has actually done more than the girl) and the girl is thus considered "easy" whereas the guy is just a normal guy? Nice.

 

If your theory is not based on gender then the fact that he is more experienced should have led her to leave already. Unless STDs are involved, or perhaps repeated cheating, the past is irrelevant. I think that is a sad way to approach relationships.

 

One more thing: the older you get, the more experienced your future partners will be and the more likely they will have been intimate with multiple people. If the girl has problems with what she did then that is one thing and she has to deal with that herself but her boyfriend's judgement is unnecessary and frankly unjustified. If I were her and my bf kept complaining about my past, something I could never change, I would find that stressful and leave. I agree with you on one thing: if he can't deal with it he should walk or eventually I can almost guarantee she will get sick of it and leave. But he would be giving up a relationship that seems to be otherwise great and that is something he needs to decide he is okay with.

[chemica]

So if I understand correctly, you think that if a girl has a certain past, a guy has a past too (the guy has actually done more than the girl) and the girl is thus considered "easy" whereas the guy is just a normal guy? Nice.

 

Totally agree with this. Guys who foster this kind of double standard give all guys a bad name. This kind of crap really irritates me because I can assure you not all guys are like this. What always amazes me is that girls seem to chase after guys who are like this and ignore the good ones, and then wonder why things didn't work out. Ugghh ](*,)

[Miss M]

OneSimpleQuestion, there are a few red flags that I notice about her...

She accepts that you're the judge and jury, that it's okay for you to take her past inventory like a high-minded authoritarian, and interrogate her as if you've set the standards for what's right and wrong in her past. I think it's worrisome that she doesn't realize that's a double standard, and that you're being blatantly unfair to her. I think it's alarming that she breaks down and cries, explains defensively, when she should really be indignant, and standing up to you to confront you about trying to act like you're her parent instead of her loving boyfriend. I wonder about why she would passively put up with that kind of questioning from you without realizing that it's not right for you to question and accuse her as if you're the one who has the only vote about what's right or wrong in her past. I would be very concerned about why she accepts that you can accuse her and making her feel remorse, guilt, inferior, and why she is crying about something she cannot change no matter how much she would like to. I would be concerned about how easy it is for her to feel unacceptable and unworthy to a guy who doesn't even have as "pure" a past as hers.

 

And do you expect her to change her past in some ways? Should she apologize for it? Make amends to you for not being as "pure" and "untouched" as you would like? And why keep bringing it up to her if she can't do anything about it? (not saying that she should ever really try to do anything about.)

 

Yes, the most alarming things about her is why she is still so passive that she would put up with the way you treat her, why she feels responsible for your discontent, and why she doesn't realize this relationship is so lopsided and unfair to her.

 

I do not like making her cry or feel bas about herself but I oftentimes cannot get this out of my head and it gives me terrible headaches and lots of stress. She is basically the type of girl I need at this time in my life and is everything I could ask for and more.

The bottom line is if you really feel this way... "She is basically the type of girl I need at this time in my life and is everything I could ask for and more" ... then she truly doesn't deserve the way you're treating her. You're only making her miserable, questioning her, criticizing her, making her cry, because you have serious problems with anxiety, stress and headaches, and that has nothing to do with her. You're trying to soothe your own discomforts by asking her to account for her behavior in her past because you mistakenly believe that if you keep pursuing, there's something there that will magically make you feel better, but there isn't... and besides that's not the real problem, and not the real solution. You need to attend to those things that make you miserable by getting counseling/therapy without trying to make it her fault or her responsibility for how miserable you're feeling.

[novaseeker]

Again, I do not agree that someone's past is irrelevant. I agree that one should not *judge* someone based on his/her past, but the information about the past is relevant, because it helps you understand whether you want to deal with the person who has that in his/her past or not.

 

For example, I do not think it's irrelevant whether someone has been previously married. If I'm getting involved with someone, I want to know if they were previously married, and I also want to know what happened ... not to judge them, but to understand them, and also to determine whether I wish to be entangled with that person. A person is not their past, but the past does help create the person they are now, and without understanding someone's past it's pretty hard to really understand the person you are looking at.

 

I know that this is way in the minority opinion for this board, but I feel compelled to stress that information about a person's past is relevant, and I think it's unfair to call someone judgmental or hypocritical for taking an interest in the other person's history.

[Miss M]

Novaseeker, I actually agree with you. I'm not really trying to suggest that the past is irrelevant. In fact, there was another thread where I took your same stance when a woman was trying to decide how much she should take into consideration a "questionable" past of a potential BF when most others on the thread were telling her his past was irrelevant, that she should love him unconditionally without regard to his past. And I totally agree that the past gives some indication of how you can expect the person to act in the present relationship, absolutely. Also, at my age if I met a guy who'd been with 1000 women, or who has been abusive to women, or a lying cheater, yeah, I'd have a problem with that too, so that's not what I'm trying to say at all.

 

My point is that the OP he says he cares for this woman, and that she's perfect, trustworthy, and that she treats him well in all the ways he likes and needs. He says he's happy with how she treats him, and that has no worries about her cheating on him. He also says his own past is more "experienced" than hers. But in return for all her good treatment of him, he repeatedly questions her about something she can't change, making her feel wrong for it. Questioning her repeatedly, making her cry, making her explain herself again and again... all of that is wrong, especially when it's part of a lopsided double standard, especially if he's doing it like he's the only one who gets a vote about what's an acceptable past.

 

Their compaitibility with each other in regards to their pasts should be a mutual discussion, something that is discussed as equals in a relationship, not something where only he questions and judges, and not where she's on the defense, crying. They BOTH should be assessing each other, not just him assessing her. And after she has explained herself to him, he definitely shouldn't be repeatedly questioning her about something she can't change just so he can try to soothe his stress, anxiety, headaches. Neither one of them can do anything about her past, so he really needs to stop making her feel bad about it, because that's not what a relationship is about.

 

And yes, if he finds her past unacceptable he could move on, let her go, but he should realize that in this case his misery really has nothing to do with her past. And she should also realize that too, so she doesn't leave this relationship feeling even more unworthy and inferior. She did things in her past because she was passive, and wanted to be accepted, but if he dumps her because she's not "pure" enough, that will make her feel even more unworthy and inferior, and less able to stand up for herself to say 'no," and more inclined to put up with more unfair treatment in the future.

 

And finally, it's just blatantly unfair and ironic for a woman who has been perfect, nice, honest, and trustworthy (his words), to be judged, questioned, criticized, and then rejected for her past, by someone who has an even more "experienced" past than she does. The double standard that guys have about this really needs to stop. And a genuinely kind woman who does her best to be that nice to a guy doesn't deserve the treatment he's giving her.

[Cecelius]

And finally, it's just blatantly unfair and ironic for a woman who has been perfect, nice, honest, and trustworthy (his words), to be judged, questioned, criticized, and then rejected for her past, by someone who has an even more "experienced" past than she does. The double standard that guys have about this really needs to stop. And a genuinely kind woman who does her best to be that nice to a guy doesn't deserve the treatment he's giving her.

 

There are tons of double standards in the world, including many that some women apply to men. There's nothing wrong with him deciding that her past is just distasteful to him, as she could do with him. He's not wild about a level of hooking up and plasticity that seems to make him feel as if he is just the next guy who happened along. This would be no different than a girl deciding that the guy she's interested in gives up his heart too easily (the "Too much too soon" guy) and she doesn't feel like their relationship is any more significant than any other girl he's ever been interested in.

 

I completely agree that the OP should not cross examine, abuse, or make her feel bad. It's not okay, and it will not help the relationship or this issue. When this kind of thing starts coming out of the closet, it's best to assume the worst, see if you still basically feel the same way or that if, at your age, you'd be better off with someone who considers a little more carefully whom they bed.

[Miss M]

And finally, it's just blatantly unfair and ironic for a woman who has been perfect, nice, honest, and trustworthy (his words), to be judged, questioned, criticized, and then rejected for her past, by someone who has an even more "experienced" past than she does. The double standard that guys have about this really needs to stop. And a genuinely kind woman who does her best to be that nice to a guy doesn't deserve the treatment he's giving her.

There are tons of double standards in the world, including many that some women apply to men.

So are you an advocate of double standards? And especially of this persistently prevalent one that says the girl should always be more pure than the guy? Sorry, but I still totally disagree.

 

And just so you know, I'm just as opposed to any double standards that are unfavorable to men, and I also would not agree that one side having double standards ever justifies the other side having double standards.

 

There's nothing wrong with him deciding that her past is just distasteful to him, as she could do with him.

And if she was doing it also to him, then it wouldn't actually be a double standard, would it?

 

And my whole reason for posting at all was because the OP has enough self-awareness to recognize and admit that what he's doing isn't right, that it's not fair to her, that she doesn't deserve it, that he's being well-treated by her, that he trusts her completely, and that he's destroying and undermining the very good thing he has with her, (all of what his previous relationships didn't give him ). The OP was asking for insight into his problems (not her problems). And my whole purpose for writing at all was to point out that all of what the OP described is really about HIS OWN inner discontent, discomfort, anxiety, stress, headaches. And he's really trying to soothe his inner angst by projecting all of his own "stuff" outward onto her, (and doing so by getting attached to the illogical and flawed structure of a double standard). If he wants to save his relationship, he needs to address the real core problem, and stop focusing on the wrong thing. I posted in this thread because I've known a lot of guys who say, "I'll be content and happy if I could just avoid the idiot girls, and find that one good woman who loves me flawlessly." And then when they get her, they abuse, harass, distress, malign and destroy her, leaving her in an even more emotionally battered state than when they found her, all because they've got inner stuff they haven't addressed. I'm really much less interested in debating with anyone about the (il)legitimacy of double standards.

 

...you'd be better off with someone who considers a little more carefully whom they bed.

And I would suggest that a guy who would reject a woman for that reason also shouldn't make any type of contribution to her sum total of bed partners... because obviously she already has enough problems without him adding to it.

[Cecelius]

I agree that he ought not do any harm to her by lingering on this subject, but it is silly to say that this particular topic is somehow off the table for evaluating LTR material. Or that he owes her anything on this front -- does he owe her love because she loves him? As far as he can see based on her past, perhaps her view of what love is isn't close enough to his. For me, when I see that level of promiscuity, it's a turn off, plain and simple, because it usually indicates some underlying self-esteem issue (just as many girls get turned off by a guy who doesn't have enough experience). I don't see a lot of women encouraging women to date men who lack self confidence, are wishy washy or indecisive or who have massive self esteem issues.

 

If he wants to take this kind of thing on, fine, but if not, what in the world is any more wrong about this factor than deciding that someone's politics, racial attitudes, economic habits, physical appearance or whatever is a factor.

 

Lastly, I agree with you that when this issue comes up and the dude is torturing himself over it and her too, that is primarily something wrong in his mind, not hers. He should know what he won't take on, and decisively avoid it when he sees it.

[Miss M]

I'm really much less interested in debating with anyone about the (il)legitimacy of double standards.

¸ + * . ` : - .

[lady00]

For me, when I see that level of promiscuity, it's a turn off, plain and simple, because it usually indicates some underlying self-esteem issue (just as many girls get turned off by a guy who doesn't have enough experience).

 

So does that mean the guy in this situation has low self-esteem because he has been with a lot of people (more than his gf)?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I felt nothing but sympathy for your girlfriend when I read that post.

 

She didn't know you then. What she did then has/had nothing to do with you.

 

I know it's hard, but please really work on letting it go.

 

Without going into too much detail, I'm coming from your girlfriend's point of view here - I was similiar. I wasn't even peer pressured, I was just an..unpleasant word. You get the idea.

 

But I'm completely different nowadays, and I'm willing to bet your girlfriend is too. And at least if she's slept with other people she's not going to fall victim to the "what else is out there?" syndrome as easily as if she was less experienced.

 

Would you like it if she was insecure/worried because of how many people YOU have slept with? Thought not. So don't worry about her past either.

[Budman]

Hey Antilove, when did you get a beard?

 

Dude its that morbid curiosity wanting to know something that will mess with you.

 

Best just to forget it, move on, don't continue to ask about it. Enjoy her for her. Just because you and her get along the way you do, does not I REPEAT DOES NOT, mean she does that with everyone.

 

There is also a key point in all of this, SHE WAS SINGLE THEN.

 

That is all, Budman out.

[Rabican]

If you think you can trust her, then let the past be the past man. You cant expect everyone you date to pass a "pre me" exam in which their past life passes your scrutiny with flying colors. Its what she does NOW that should concern you.

 

The one thing that would bother me though would be her giving in to peer pressure. If this is a problem, then you have have cause for concern if shes ever out hanging out with her exes, or guy friends. Other than that... let the past be the past... forget it, ignore it whatever. Or, if you cant, then find a girl whos the daughter of a priest and be with her.

[TheRedQueen]

Also, I forgot to mention that we had sex the second night of knowing each other. I realize that this is 50% my fault, but this also bothers me. But, I want everyone reading this to realize that I am absolutely, 100% not afraid of her cheating on me, I know she won't do that.

 

Hi sweetie my advice to you would be to get over it or time travel back to the 1950's. You should feel lucky that she was both kind and trusting enough to be honest about her sexual history. Let me let you in on a little secret. Women have sex, and guess what, they actually enjoy it too!!!