Am I a sex addict?

[really_confused]

Umm I dont even know if this should be in this section or the infidelity section, I am not sure, I dont really care I have come here to get this off my chest as i really have some serious guilt trip and stuff.

 

I am a 23 year old female, happily in a relationship with another chick. We both have had a lot of problems, and I mean i love her absolutely, iw ould die if anything to her, i cant imagine not waking up every night next to her, and losing her, or her dying or anyhing like that, because I think I would commit suicide. Weve been together since I was 19, we just had our 4th year anniversary and weve been living together for 4 years now. Theres not a doubt in my mind that i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

However before her, I had been sexually active since the age of like 11. i slept with way too many guys, i dont think i remember the number of guys I slept with. I also engaged in a lot of drug usage behaviour and risky activities that could have landed me in serious trouble. Ive been diagnosed with many mental disorders all throughout my life, ranging from bipolar to GAD, and recently I suffered some serious panic attacks where I was having them every day.

 

I settled down with her and I never thought I could cheat on her, and i thought that everything I had done in the past would stay there. i was happy and content so why did I need to have sex with other people.

Tehn 2 years into our relationship, I became having these thoughts where I just wanted to have sex with other people, and before knew it, I acted on it, and I had sex with a guy. She never found out about it, but I was unable to hide the shame feelings I felt and I ended up telling her I had fooled around with someone else. She forgave me. and we moved on. A couple of months later, I met this girl and I became really confused over my feelings and I ended up again cheating on her, I guess. She found out about it, I cant lie, i feel like * * * * afterwards and I give it away and although she believes I only got confused, and nothing happened, she forgave me and then thats when It all started to confuse me, and I becamse really crazy.

 

After that, i started random encounters with men, i never had sex, but I let them touch me, and I touched them. This happened twice. She never found out about it, but every time after the encounters, Id become so ashamed and so depressed, And everytime I would cry and I would say I wont do it again, and I just would. It was like I couldnt help it. I went about 6 months without doing anything because I had such a guilt trip from the last time, it felt so bad, I felt like such a piece of crap, nut all this time, it was as if I wasnt completely satisfied with out sex life and I needed more. I felt like I couldnt please her at all, and this made me feel so imcomplete. So i was pleasing others.

 

then recently, two days ago, I dont know why, i came onto the internet and I recently purchases a WebCam, I never had one, but Ive always wondered. I woke up one day with huge sexual desires I couldnt control, to get on the webcam and show myself to a starnger and have them show me. i ended up having a webcam session with two different men. I let them see me, and I saw them.

I felt like absolute garbage. I felt like I was betraying her and Like She doesnt deserve me. i felt like "why do I keep doing this to someone I love"?? I cant stop feeling like this, and I cant stop wondering if I have some kind of problem where I cant control my sexual urges.

 

the problem is, you might I say Im a heterosexual, or you might say I just dont love her, but thats completely innacurate. I dont like men, I always had sex with them, but I never felt anything. I cant be in a relationship with one, and while they turn me on, they will never satisfy me like she does, and they will never give me what she does. We both get turned on by men, but we love each other and if we broke up, I would be in a relationship with another girl, and so would she. And I do love her, no one is inside of me, and I would die if she was not in my life. I love her more than I love my family, I moved to a different country because of her.

 

but I dont understand why I am doing this, and why i cant seem to stop it, no matter how awful it makes me feel, it always seems to drive me to a really dark place and i always get so caught up about it. i didnt even have any sort of contact with this people, I just let them watch, and i watched, but it still feels wrong, and terrible and like Im being unfaithful in every way, even in my heart is still with her. i am really torn and confused, Im not sure what to do

[really_confused]

Hi Thanks for your answer, But I dont think telling her at this stage is an option. I Do love her, and theres no way I can hurt her like that. if I told her, shed be devastated. She trust me and loves me and gives me everything I want, theres no reason for me to be wanting something more than her. But althought people might think this is an excuse, I believe 100% something is not right with me, and I think these desires are greater than me and I cant control them. thats why i wanted someone to give me an opinion whether they believe I am a sex addict. I dont even know, does such thing exist? can sexual desires really control you? and why cant I stop, even though it tears me up and I love her more than anything. I would probably bash myself up if I ever hurt her like that.

[kadvati79]

I dont know if theres a such thing as a sex addict, mostly because I was told that sex wasnt talked about. I was a "sheltered child" even though I was sexually abused as a child and only recently had sex for the first time. But yes, I think that something may be wrong with you, sorry if this sounds mean.

 

Lotsa Love

Rain Gate

 

There is, a big problem that can manifest itself in many ways and something I have suffered from for some time. You can read a post about my own struggle at . There is alot of debate about whether it is a true addiction or not - but the end result is very similar... ergo "all addictions lead toward the ultimate destruction of the addict.

 

There are twelve step programmes (Sex and Love Addicts Anon being the most popular) dedicated to it in most areas, particulary in the US. I found twelve step programmes useful in riding myself of guilt and shame, but it did little to alter my behaviour, and their prognosis was too bleak (once and addict always an addict). I was determined to kick it, and regain a healthy sex life.

 

Key points to note:

 

Addicts have tried often to stop, and failed. Their behavior generally conforms to a cycle:

1. Preoccupation -- the addict becomes completely engrossed with sexual thoughts or fantasies.
   
2. Ritualization —- the addict follows special routines in a search for sexual stimulation, which intensify the experience and may be more important than reaching orgasm.
   
3. Compulsive sexual behavior -— the addict's specific sexual acting out.
   
4. Despair —- the acting out does not lead to normal sexual satisfaction, but to feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness, depression, and the like.
   

and:

Informal diagnostic criteria:

• Secrecy: Being secretive about one's sexual behavior can be a standard social behavior, and one which is accepted by many cultures and subcultures. This behaviour is then suspect as a diagnostic criteria for sexual addiction.
  
• Abusive or Degrading: The term "abuse" is often a euphemism by societies for a wide variety of taboo sexual activities. This is typically in order to stigmatize the person who initiated the activity or the person who participated. "Degradation" refers to a reduction of one's self-esteem. Some people seek out degrading behaviours in order to feel vulnerable, for catharsis or for penitent reasons which are not sexual in nature.
  
• Painful Feelings: Personal emotions in interpersonal and especially sexual relationships, can be quite difficult. Many couples exhibit behaviour which either is at the source of painful feelings, like "sex with the ex", or to avoid painful feelings, where sex is used to escape problems.
  
• Empty Relationships: Any relationship which is not working out well can easily turn into a relationship which is empty of caring. There are many reasons why a person might choose to break off or abstain from commitment in a relationship.
  

 

It is very academic for whether sex addiction is really an addiction, the effects are very real. Peoples lives end up destroyed, just as they do for alcoholics. Indeed, as sexuality is an important part of life - regaining "control" and a sense of "healthy" sexual behaviour can be more difficult.

[Jesus Christ]

Well Said icemotoboy

I couldn't have summed it up better

[GottaLetItBurn]

Sometimes I think about that there are so many people out there that get their heartbroken everyday. Maybe a percentage view sex and life in general differently and view sex as just a mechanical thing. Seriously, I think some people just numb themselves up that sex just becomes a tool to make their pain go away.

 

Someone already posted that it is a problem. Though I think it is especially a problem for people who have been abused sexually in the past. Their brains mature with unhealthy view about what sex is and is about. So yeah, I didn't read everything you had to say, but I think that if you had sex with so many people like you said there is an underlying problem. Sex is a natural urge, but if it's your giving yourself away I think maybe you have self estee issues. Your not alone, just about everyone hates something about themselves, it just eats away at other people differently.

 

I would look further into it. I hope you and your girlfriend have a good life together and your relationship can mature for the better.

[GottaLetItBurn]

My favorite quote in responce to the 12 step program:

 

" you want the truth? it's not difference between what you can and can't change. here's step 13, everything disappears: love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings. none of us get out alive. now you can huddle in a group and take it one day at a time, OR you can be grateful that when your body rubs against someone else's, it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget, even for a minute, that you're just a walking pile of ashes. now that's the truth. if you're strong it'll make you free. if you're weak it'll make you...you."

[UT]

Even though you might be suffering from sexual addiction, I still think that what's happening to your girlfriend is... wrong. To forgive you over and over again she has to really love you. Love you a lot and she probably really wants this to work. But cheating is, not only wrong in general, but also very devastating, both for you and your relationship.

 

You might be the one with the illness but she's the one getting hurt, she doesn't deserve this. In my opinion you should seek professional help and maybe when or a little before you've gotten a diagnose, I think you should come clean. As your girlfriend, the women you love and lover she has a right to know. Especially if you're having unprotected sex.

 

This is just my opinion. I just had to say it. I feel sorry for your girl.

[ScaredFawn]

Hi... I read your post and felt for you. I think I somewhat understand how you feel. Let me explain. Im a pretty isolated woman in life and I believe thats a good thing because I think I might not have been able to resist cheating too. I have been with my gf for 2 years. I have been on the pill for the last 7 years (for acne) and I never had much sexual desire, altho mentally, I felt like I needed sex with my gf who didnt care for it and it was creating a lot of problems for us... So we both quit the pill because we figured it was stopping sexual desire for us and physical sensations down there. 6 months later... Oh my God. I felt like you. Sexual urges I couldnt control. I was going NUTS. I wanted everything that moves, all the time. Old, young, ugly, beautiful, it didnt matter. And I started craving men, penetration and all that. The desire was so so intense, I didnt know what to do with it, I would just cry and cry. It led me to question my sexual orientation, which I am still in the process of, and its been 5 months. I got back on birth control, which helps, I dont want to feel those urges, they DO drive you crazy, I totally believe you. THEY DO MAKE YOU DO THINGS too. Hormones are extremely powerful things. They can even make you think things. For exemple, after I stopped the pill at some times in the month I absolutly wanted a baby, 2 days later I couldnt stand the sight of one, and the whole time my gf and I had been together we established we didnt want kids until way later, if ever. So I suggest you get on the pill to calm your urges... I know they are not pleasant and very disturbing. BUT I know youve got mental issues to deal with too. I know I do. I know if I got all the sex in the world Id still feel like this, even tho I feel if I got more sex Id be totally happy in life and with myself. You can write to me if you want, and we can support each other through this. Best of luck

[Ervin79]

I think you are sexually confused. You lack self control. I mean you claim not to like men then you go out with men. I don't believe that.

[Tigris]

I suggest you go and see you doctor because one of the symptoms of Bipolar is doing reckless sexual stuff and regretting it later.

 

Please let me know what the doctor says.

 

Good luck

[candy_the_confused]

maybe your infedility is because you are feeling insecure, maybe you are scared of her leaving you one day, and you say you can't imagine yourself living without her, so you do this inorder to prove to youself that you can be without her. i'm not an expert, just my two cents.

 

another reason could be that you have low self esteem and think constantly that you may loose her for someone better than you, or you think you are not worth her love so you keep doing things and stretching things to see how much she can tolerate, the more she tolerates the more you believe she loves you.

 

i think you should seak professional help for your sake and your girlfiend's sake. you both deserve to be happy.