really_confused

Hi Thanks for your answer, But I dont think telling her at this stage is an option. I Do love her, and theres no way I can hurt her like that. if I told her, shed be devastated. She trust me and loves me and gives me everything I want, theres no reason for me to be wanting something more than her. But althought people might think this is an excuse, I believe 100% something is not right with me, and I think these desires are greater than me and I cant control them. thats why i wanted someone to give me an opinion whether they believe I am a sex addict. I dont even know, does such thing exist? can sexual desires really control you? and why cant I stop, even though it tears me up and I love her more than anything. I would probably bash myself up if I ever hurt her like that.

Umm I dont even know if this should be in this section or the infidelity section, I am not sure, I dont really care I have come here to get this off my chest as i really have some serious guilt trip and stuff. I am a 23 year old female, happily in a relationship with another chick. We both have had a lot of problems, and I mean i love her absolutely, iw ould die if anything to her, i cant imagine not waking up every night next to her, and losing her, or her dying or anyhing like that, because I think I would commit suicide. Weve been together since I was 19, we just had our 4th year anniversary and weve been living together for 4 years now. Theres not a doubt in my mind that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. However before her, I had been sexually active since the age of like 11. i slept with way too many guys, i dont think i remember the number of guys I slept with. I also engaged in a lot of drug usage behaviour and risky activities that could have landed me in serious trouble. Ive been diagnosed with many mental disorders all throughout my life, ranging from bipolar to GAD, and recently I suffered some serious panic attacks where I was having them every day. I settled down with her and I never thought I could cheat on her, and i thought that everything I had done in the past would stay there. i was happy and content so why did I need to have sex with other people. Tehn 2 years into our relationship, I became having these thoughts where I just wanted to have sex with other people, and before knew it, I acted on it, and I had sex with a guy. She never found out about it, but I was unable to hide the shame feelings I felt and I ended up telling her I had fooled around with someone else. She forgave me. and we moved on. A couple of months later, I met this girl and I became really confused over my feelings and I ended up again cheating on her, I guess. She found out about it, I cant lie, i feel like * * * * afterwards and I give it away and although she believes I only got confused, and nothing happened, she forgave me and then thats when It all started to confuse me, and I becamse really crazy. After that, i started random encounters with men, i never had sex, but I let them touch me, and I touched them. This happened twice. She never found out about it, but every time after the encounters, Id become so ashamed and so depressed, And everytime I would cry and I would say I wont do it again, and I just would. It was like I couldnt help it. I went about 6 months without doing anything because I had such a guilt trip from the last time, it felt so bad, I felt like such a piece of crap, nut all this time, it was as if I wasnt completely satisfied with out sex life and I needed more. I felt like I couldnt please her at all, and this made me feel so imcomplete. So i was pleasing others. then recently, two days ago, I dont know why, i came onto the internet and I recently purchases a WebCam, I never had one, but Ive always wondered. I woke up one day with huge sexual desires I couldnt control, to get on the webcam and show myself to a starnger and have them show me. i ended up having a webcam session with two different men. I let them see me, and I saw them. I felt like absolute garbage. I felt like I was betraying her and Like She doesnt deserve me. i felt like "why do I keep doing this to someone I love"?? I cant stop feeling like this, and I cant stop wondering if I have some kind of problem where I cant control my sexual urges. the problem is, you might I say Im a heterosexual, or you might say I just dont love her, but thats completely innacurate. I dont like men, I always had sex with them, but I never felt anything. I cant be in a relationship with one, and while they turn me on, they will never satisfy me like she does, and they will never give me what she does. We both get turned on by men, but we love each other and if we broke up, I would be in a relationship with another girl, and so would she. And I do love her, no one is inside of me, and I would die if she was not in my life. I love her more than I love my family, I moved to a different country because of her. but I dont understand why I am doing this, and why i cant seem to stop it, no matter how awful it makes me feel, it always seems to drive me to a really dark place and i always get so caught up about it. i didnt even have any sort of contact with this people, I just let them watch, and i watched, but it still feels wrong, and terrible and like Im being unfaithful in every way, even in my heart is still with her. i am really torn and confused, Im not sure what to do