Relationship Boredom Can Be Deadly by Dr. David E. Sanford

[Scout]

Hope many of you find this article a helpful roadmap of the mine fields to avoid in your relationships. The author references married couples in the article, but obviously this information can apply to any long-term relationship.

 

It is very disquieting when "perfect" marriages end. The ones that are agreeable, orderly, peaceful, the ones that display no rancor, no rages, no infidelity, no egregious acts of galloping selfishness — when such marriages end, everyone is dismayed. How is it possible? They had no troubles at all, we say in disbelief.

 

Maybe that's the key: "No troubles at all" may mean — no challenge, no emotion, no surprises, no change; in other words — boring. Some marriages do die of boredom.

 

Boring marriages are much more likely to suffer from sins of omission than from sins of commission. What isn't done gets such marriages into more trouble than what is done.

 

Boring marriages are minimal marriages, not marriages of excess — minimal because they exclude all the excitement of relationship — conflict, differences, spontaneity, feelings, irrationality, passion.

 

For example, one cause of boredom in marriage is the effort to exclude feelings that might cause trouble. The process goes something like this: I am angry at my partner. Yet, if I let that emotion show, my spouse may withdraw or otherwise punish me. I don't want that to happen; so, to protect myself, I will more than keep my indignation quiet, I won't even experience it myself.

 

However, since feelings are spontaneous and go in unpredictable directions, any feeling for my partner that I allow myself may stimulate my anger. Consequently, I decide not to feel anything, and I allow myself only the most superficial, meaningless contact with my partner, lest I feel.

So, in the interests of maintaining a controlled, untroubled marriage, I choke off all feelings and withdraw from caring. All passion dies; and the marriage, for me, becomes boring and nearly meaningless. Why? Because I don't live in it anymore.

 

Another source of boredom results from converting your partner — someone who used to excite and interest you — into little more than a function in the background of your life. In this manner, for example, the woman you once pursued with such ardor now becomes "the mother of my children."

 

Marital boredom is also likely to follow when you withdraw your commitment of time and energy from the marriage and disproportionately invest those valuable resources elsewhere, e.g., in your work, your relationship with your sisters or with your buddies.

 

In the beginning, the relationship with your spouse was interesting without effort — sort of a gift from the universe. Now, if it's to continue to be interesting, you have to make it so — given the inevitably negative effect that familiarity and routine have on initial excitement. If you're over invested elsewhere and under invested in the marriage, you won't make the relationship interesting; and it will be boring.

 

You also experience the marriage as boring when you are bored with yourself and feel you have nothing to give. For example, your interest in the marriage suffers when you are bored with your work and have nothing else to stimulate you.

 

Also, your interest in — and your contribution to — the marriage suffer when you cease to energize yourself with new interests or challenge yourself to grow personally — as when, for example, your leisure time is spent passively, medicating yourself in front of the TV.

 

Finally, you are forced to suffer a boring marriage when you don't know how to make it interesting. As a nation, we have become so dependent on the "entertainment industry" for stimulation that we have lost the ability to stimulate ourselves and, thus, to draw forth what is interesting in our partners.

 

Relationships that are one-dimensional (we are parents together, we have sex together or we manage the house together — but little else) are bound to be boring. Relationships that are dominated by routine and utterly predictable are boring. Relationships in which conversation never soars higher than What's for dinner? are boring, too.

 

In short, if you don't put much in, you don't get much out.

 

Listen, are you willing to admit to yourself that you have been so perverse as to once marry someone who genuinely interested and excited you and then conspire with that person to create a relationship in which you ended up bored stiff?

 

 

Copyright © 2005 David E. Sanford/Promising Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission of author. link removed.

[yeawutever]

That's an interesting, yet realistic article. I'll get reminded of it someday when I do end up getting marry.

[Scout]

Ailec, when I first started dating my current boyfriend, I sensed this relationship had real potential to be the healthiest I'd ever had. So, I searched all over the Internet for articles on how to prevent your relationship from getting stale.

 

I am so glad I discovered this. It's really made me conscious not to take my relationship for granted or to neglect it from necessary attention and frequent "revitalization."

[canuckhead]

i somehow don't agree with some things in this article. While i agree, boredom could kill a relationship...i don't think its the boredom BETWEEN the two ppl, but the boredom within one person. its like that saying "u have to be happy with urself...etc"...some ppl probably have boring lives themselves, yet they blame the relationship for being boring. While i agree that a relationship where one person just holds everything back is bound to fail....i don't agree that fighting and arguing all the time is healthy either. i mean...sure there could be some differences...but theres a limit. Whats that limit? i don't really know...so i don't really know what this article is trying to say. is it basically saying there should be fights? if so....whats a good amount? once a week? once a month? ...idk....i say if a couple really gets along well...and don't fight much...then they should keep it that way.

[vesper]

great post Scout! So so true..

[Momene]

One thing that hits me is that the daily routine of getting up early and having a lot to do sucks my energy, so I don't have much left. I can relate to the bit about my own life being boring and have somewhat detached myself from life. I find that it's easier to chat online that go out and meet real people becuase the latter requires energy and money, which are 2 things I just don't have.

 

Life for me is a constant struggle to keep up with the ever-increasing demands of work and trying to fit jobs round the house in between.

 

I'm not after sympathy because I feel this is the norm for millions or billions of people wordlwide. Experts will tell you to zoom off somewhere for the weekend but hurriedly packing a suitcase and rushing to a flight on a Friday after a busy day at work, while pouring more debt on the credit card, doesn't appeal to me much.

 

We're also restricted by having a daughter in the last years of school.

[XLiFeLeSs_GaZeX]

Nice post!!

 

hmmm, it makes me think...

[JJRadical]

Boredom is probably one of the leading social maladies of our time...show me a female thats bored, I'll show you a female thats available regardless of relationship status or marriage...

[Momene]

I wonder how people in primitive communities stop themselves from getting bored. We've got TV, internet, music but most of us still manage to get bored.

 

Perhaps we don't know how to form and maintain friendships anymore.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Boredom in general is deadly. I think over 50% of all negative thoughts are a result of boredom.

[itsallgrand]

Boredom is probably one of the leading social maladies of our time...show me a female thats bored, I'll show you a female thats available regardless of relationship status or marriage...

 

Men too. Not only boredom: but men 'in over their heads' or feeling trapped.

Countless times, those guys with a beautiful gf or wife, maybe a kid, and you can just see that dulled 'beaten' look in their eyes. So eager for some kind or friendly female attention. Hanging off a smile like a puppy.

 

Yes, life needs flavor and unpredictability to get those hormones going...

or else cliche sad dramas unfold.

[RayKay]

The amount of times you link this article, it's great to finally see it have it's own post!

 

It's a great one, and one that I think people should pay very good attention too. These are the relationships where when they end, someone is often left wondering "What happened! We were perfect together, there were no complaints, no conflicts, sure she told me a couple times there was things that needed changing but has not talked about them in a long time but I had no sign!". There were lots of signs though. The fact that there were no conflicts IS a sign. It means they may not be willing to work anymore. The fact that they stopped talking about what was bothering them IS a sign. It means they gave up.

 

Basically what happens, is many people end up taking one another for granted. This is what often happens in these cases of "relationship boredom". Sure, life will get busy, things will happen, kids may come alone, work may add pressure, but you have to remember to nourish and build your relationship TOGETHER. Otherwise you do lose touch with one another.

 

Also, your interest in — and your contribution to — the marriage suffer when you cease to energize yourself with new interests or challenge yourself to grow personally — as when, for example, your leisure time is spent passively, medicating yourself in front of the TV.

 

I think this is so, so, so important. So many people give up their passions, neglect their friends, decide not to try new things. When they become a couple, they cease being an individual. And a relationship is not like that. It is not 1+1=1. It is 1+1=1(you)+1(them)+1(relationship). Your partner fell in love with you for being an individual person, why stop? If you do, why be surprised when the passion is no longer there. You aren't YOU if you aren't also pursusing those things that bring you joy and passion in life, that add vibrancy, individualism, personality to your life.

 

Too many people forget to be whom they are, and stay true to that, and that really DOES negatively affect not only yourself, but your relationship too.

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

Man, if that's somewhat true, than my last relationship was terribly exciting.

[Momene]

I think that being a dad has stopped me being an individual more than being married. We've never had "natural babysitters" as we live miles from any family. We're very centered around our poppet.

[JJRadical]

Men too. Not only boredom: but men 'in over their heads' or feeling trapped.

Countless times, those guys with a beautiful gf or wife, maybe a kid, and you can just see that dulled 'beaten' look in their eyes. So eager for some kind or friendly female attention. Hanging off a smile like a puppy.

 

Yes, life needs flavor and unpredictability to get those hormones going...

or else cliche sad dramas unfold.

Yes this is true...of course the cure for boredom is...interest....

[Scout]

RayKay, your post is actually a great addendum to the article! Good stuff.

[Holiday]

I wish some math wizard would define a clever equation for marriage with children. If a relationship is 1+1 = 1(you) + 1(them) + 1(relationship), then what is it when the children come along?

[Holiday]

Great posts, all! THANKS!

[RayKay]

I wish some math wizard would define a clever equation for marriage with children. If a relationship is 1+1 = 1(you) + 1(them) + 1(relationship), then what is it when the children come along?

 

When children come along, it is still VERY important to work on that relationship of the couple. I think many couples find after their children are grown (or while they are still growing!) they totally have lost touch with one another.....they forgot whom each other was, and often grew apart. They stop fostering that relationship between them and instead of lovers, best friends become defined as parental units (hehe).

 

There are still those 3 "1"'s, but add in another for the family unit. And I suppose one for each of the kids too...

[Holiday]

I like that RayKay! Thanks!

[Scout]

But this does raise an important point...for all you married folks with children, maybe you can suggest some ways to keep some "couple time" separate and consistent. Not having a babysitter on hand does throw a monkey wrench in that.

 

I guess my suggestion would be to make sure your kids go to bed at the same hour every night, so that you know you can count on that additional together. And maybe set a rule you only get to talk about the kids for five minutes, lol.

[Momene]

But this does raise an important point...for all you married folks with children, maybe you can suggest some ways to keep some "couple time" separate and consistent. Not having a babysitter on hand does throw a monkey wrench in that.

 

I guess my suggestion would be to make sure your kids go to bed at the same hour every night, so that you know you can count on that additional together. And maybe set a rule you only get to talk about the kids for five minutes, lol.

 

Try that with a teenager who goes to bed after you or the same time!

[Cadence308]

This was a really interesting article. It made me wonder how many relationships are actually like this- Boring! It's really sad. It also made me think about myself and my relationships and how I haven't been able to achieve intimacy as defined by a significant other. I haven't been willing to put anything into it or get anything out of it, either.

[Momene]

Again, is it the relationships that are boring or life itself? I think it's a bit of both.

[Scout]

Yes, Momene...when you allow yourself to get bored with life, that's going to spill over into your relationships. Remember that line from the song "Flagpole Sitter" by Harvey Danger..."If you're bored, than you're boring."