dumper/dumpee long term psychology

[Andy_2007]

i think that OPs idea certainly holds true when the dumper is motivated by the old 'greener pastures' thing. they dump because they are unsatisfied with what they have (be it purely the dumpee or life in general) to move onto something new and exciting.

 

monkey swing through trees. monkey only let go of branch when new branch appear.

 

of course, pastures are never greener and they come to look back on the old pasture and decide it probably wasn't as brown and dry as they thought

 

by this time old pasture has healed and has certainly got nice and green again, but wants no part of the monkey that made it brown in the first place...

 

...mixed my metaphors there a bit.

[sara1]

i think that OPs idea certainly holds true when the dumper is motivated by the old 'greener pastures' thing. they dump because they are unsatisfied with what they have (be it purely the dumpee or life in general) to move onto something new and exciting.

 

monkey swing through trees. monkey only let go of branch when new branch appear.

 

of course, pastures are never greener and they come to look back on the old pasture and decide it probably wasn't as brown and dry as they thought

 

by this time old pasture has healed and has certainly got nice and green again, but wants no part of the monkey that made it brown in the first place...

 

...mixed my metaphors there a bit.

 

 

Well stated but sadly it does seem to work this way.

[Addicus]

I think that it depends on the people in teh relationship, if they are healthy people, that have a lot of repsect for each other then maybe things are different? For example...I was recently the dumpee, even though I care greatly for my ex, respect her and admire her for amking a decision to move on and find someone that totally fullfills her I still have to deal with the pain and sadness. I know she hurts too, she told me. I went NC after 6 days and do not want to know how she is dealing with it. She made a decision and she needs to stick with it and realise that you can't have a person in your life that you care about deeply just on your terms..she wants to be friends....I think wanting that reduces a little of their guilt, but increases the dumpee's pain. Now on the flip side, my friend who is the dumper just broke up with her GF and she hurts a great deal, she cares very deeply about the other person but knows this is not who she wants to be with for the rest of her life. She really is having a hard time....so I guess it depends how it ends if they leave for someone else or were having an affair...if the ex left for an affair then there would be little respect towards them!

[Cannon]

It depends.

 

A little over 2 months ago I dumped my girlfriend, but that was because I felt like she was cheating on me (later to find out she was). So that was out of my own well-being. I didn't WANT to break up with her...so in a way, she was the dumper and I was the dumpee. She was already in a new relationship when we broke up, so I doubt she cared too much about us breaking up.

 

So in this case, it's reversed. I technically dropped her, but feel the most remorse. She technically got dumped, but for all I know, doesn't give two thoughts to me anymore.

[RedBranchKnight]

This was a very interesting read. My ex and I went out 3 times and each time it was her that broke up with me, and the psychology of us both was the same as the OP said. At first I was pretty down and unhappy and missed her loads, yet she seemed to be immediately able to distance herself and act cold and made it clear there were no regrets. I eventually start feeling better and she turns out coming back feeling sad. Last time we broke up was a couple of months ago, except this time its the opposite (in my case anyway, have no idea how she feels about things so just assuming she has no interests in renewing things); I was distant and had no intentions of meeting her again, but over the last few weeks Iv nearly turned around on it... unfortunately

[broken-hearted]

My ex dumped me after over 2 years of an intense relationship, she left for someone else, as i found out a week after the break-up. The way i feel towrds her is as if my emotions are on a rollercoaster ride, one minute i am strong and hate her for how she disrespected all the great times we had together and all the things i did for her. then an hour or less later i find myself remensing about the paet and daydreaming about it and the times we had and feel all the loving emotions for her. its difficult, but i think in time both extremes will fade out to just a memory. i would love to meet her for coffee or whatever (and she would jump to the oppertunity im sure) but i think that because of what she did, and im not talking about the break-up but the betrayl, i dont think that she deserves to get everything. maybe in several months time i would be ok to meet her, but i dont know. for now, she doesnt deserve to have me as a friend and im not gonna give up my last card to her.

[miss_chris]

i have only been in two serious relationships and in both i was the dumpee. from what i've seen i think the dumper is worse off. after they dump you it seems like they go on a soul searching quest and most of the time it doesn't work out too well for them and they miss what they had. my recent ex dumped me because he wanted to see what else was out there i suppose and now two months later he's gotten himself into a lot of trouble and drama with other girls, drinking and drugs. problems he never had when he was with me. i think it is easier to be the dumpee because you are forced to start healing yourself right away because your heart is broken. dumpers don't have the chance to start healing until later when they realize how much of a jerk they were.

[Fox1198]

Very positive outlook indeed. I heard it in a different way from a friend. Went something like this...

 

When you forgive someone you may feel like you're letting them off easy. Actually it's the other way around. When you finally are able to forgive and forget, you free your mind from being bothered by them again. No longer will you get angry, lose sleep, or feel sad.

 

So forgiving actually helps YOU, not them. It works.

[lilypadgirl]

i have only been in two serious relationships and in both i was the dumpee. from what i've seen i think the dumper is worse off. after they dump you it seems like they go on a soul searching quest and most of the time it doesn't work out too well for them and they miss what they had. my recent ex dumped me because he wanted to see what else was out there i suppose and now two months later he's gotten himself into a lot of trouble and drama with other girls, drinking and drugs. problems he never had when he was with me. i think it is easier to be the dumpee because you are forced to start healing yourself right away because your heart is broken. dumpers don't have the chance to start healing until later when they realize how much of a jerk they were.

 

I partially agree with this...I still believe the dumpee has it worse because they don't always start to heal immediately because of false hope or waiting, etc. Also, there are issues of abandonment and rejection that makes it really hard to overcome unless you've got a really good support base or the other aspects of your life are very validating.

 

But I agree with a lot of the times, the dumper don't start healing until they realize later one how much of a jerk they were. Unfortunately though, not all dumpers come to that realization.

 

Very positive outlook indeed. I heard it in a different way from a friend. Went something like this...

 

When you forgive someone you may feel like you're letting them off easy. Actually it's the other way around. When you finally are able to forgive and forget, you free your mind from being bothered by them again. No longer will you get angry, lose sleep, or feel sad.

 

So forgiving actually helps YOU, not them. It works.

 

I think that's true, but it's very hard to push yourself to forgive before you're ready. From what I have read on here and from my own experience, I think people must be in a state or healed enough to want to move on and then comes the forgiveness after some distance. I had so much anger before and I kept trying to forgive my dumper and that was just making it worse. I had to admit to myself that it's okay not to forgive and that he was not a nice guy or the guy I fell in love with and that what he did to me was not acceptable in order for me to release that anger somehow. So I think acceptance is more important than forgiveness. I think acceptance leads to forgiveness.

[chopperboy]

I still believe the dumpee has it worse because they don't always start to heal immediately because of false hope or waiting, etc. Also, there are issues of abandonment and rejection that makes it really hard to overcome unless you've got a really good support base or the other aspects of your life are very validating.

 

What lilypadgirl said there is right on. The dumpee has to overcome a lot before being able to begin healing. First, there is the process of accepting that there is nothing worth holding on to. Then, there is the work of actually rebuilding one's life after one's devoted so much to the relationship. That rebuilding, like lilypadgirl says, can be extremely hard. There are feelings of depression, loss, abandonment, anger, pain, grief, jealousy, etc that are so hard to overcome -- especially in the context of loneliness that often follows the loss of one's love.

[Nearwater]

As the dumpee, to use the vernacular of the site, I agree that the rejection, anger and glimmer of hope to renconcile do make moving forward very hard, takes much longer.

 

That the ex can look you in the eye and say there is someone they are interested in while telling you they still care about you "SO SO much" is incredible. Honesty is one thing, but dysfunction, emotional frigidity and not acknowledging your current partners pain and suffering show the tip of much deeper problems, in our case.

 

I don't know if there will be a delayed reaction of grief and anger for her or not. Coping mechanisms may prevent that from ever happening. Serial monogamy I think I heard it called once, going from one failed relationnship to the next without ever fixing your issues or the relationship dynamic that makes "fall out of love" Plain sucks.

[Nearwater]

What do you mean?

[veneratio]

Oh wow, old thread. Somebody resurrected the dead. I agree with this. I definitely want to hate my ex, and for the most part I associate her with negativity. But I can't lie, I still care for her so much and I hate it.

 

She seemed to deal with the breakup fairly easy, while I had this lingering pain and bitterness.

[veneratio]

^ I think so too. The indifference deal. I think they feel indifference toward you until they need or want you.

[locolady]

this is a great thread, and one i hope might be true.

 

My experiences:

 

i ended a 4 year relationship when i found out he'd cheated...i was heartbroken though so was much more like the dumpee because i only did it because i had no choice. I then tried to get back together and he refused...so the roles were definitely reversed. I felt horrendous, took a long time to get over it. He seemingly got over it quickly but about 2 years later we made contact and he apologised...he said the things i'd wanted to hear...that he thought about me often and really hoped i could be happy again and he was sorry for the hurt he caused. Today we're friends-ish. We can happily chat as part of a group (occasionally we see each other through mutual friends) but we dont see each other one to one. He has a girlfriend and I respect that.

 

However, recent ex, i was dumped for someone else, HARSHLY! he never ever spoke to me again and has not given me a seconds thought. I became a psycho because was so desperate to have a chance to talk so he has now slated me to mutual friends, blanked me the one time we walked past each other. I truly believe he has no feelings of guilt and has not had a single moment of pain.

 

I guess I hope one day he will remember something good but for now he despises me. Perhaps when he breaks up wth the girl he dumped me for, that might happen.

 

I long for him, i hurt so much still. and i too wish i could get rid of the feelings of pain, shame, disappointment, hate, jealousy etc. I long for him to get his heartbroken just so he understands and never treats someone the way he did me again. His life is perfect and he is really happy. I honestly doubt he has ever thought about me qnd its been a year. Maybe one day we'll bump into one another and i'll be happy and he will realise how hard I worked to move on. Its stupid but i still long for his approval.

[dumped]

Bump - Good thread!

[Seymore]

 

I think this is a general rule:

 

Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee

Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later

 

No, sir. I can't speak for my ex, but I definitely had more than my share of pain initially, and I was the dumper.

[dumped]

What about when the dumper leaves you for someone else? Its seems that they move right into a new relationship and really feel no pain or remorse whatsoever do they eventually feel pain? have good memories? bad memories? no memories? And when the move to a new relationship so quickly do these relationships tend to fizzle out or are these types of relationships better than getting involved with someone while you have been single for some time?

[Ms Darcy]

What about when the dumper leaves you for someone else? Its seems that they move right into a new relationship and really feel no pain or remorse whatsoever do they eventually feel pain? have good memories? bad memories? no memories? And when the move to a new relationship so quickly do these relationships tend to fizzle out or are these types of relationships better than getting involved with someone while you have been single for some time?

 

The frustrating but honest answer is: it depends. Sometimes people can move on a little bit more quickly if they have been emotionally done with the relationship for a while. Sometimes they feel remorse. But often that remorse does not mean that they have the will to return to the old relationship again. And sometimes the new relationship fizzles quickly. Sometimes the relationships last longer than the original relationship.

 

In truth, we cannot tell you what is in your ex's heart.

[rigguy]

Cool thread 'dumped', interesting read, thanks for the bump. Wish there was a ranking system so threads like this would not need to be stumbled upon.

[Bobbe]

I think this is a general rule:

 

Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee

Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later

 

This it not the case with my ex (dumper).

She couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on work, started eating way more than usual because of the stress, was very upset,.. In essence she felt like a dumpee. Like she told me, she felt as bad as me and I have no reason to believe she's lying or saying things to make me feel better. I know she was like this for 2 weeks, I don't know how she feels now. Better I suppose? Haven't talked to her for 4 weeks

 

The reason for dumping was that the love feeling is gone. Yet she still deeply cares about me. I think she felt like a dumpee because she not only loses her lover but also her best friend. I don't know...

 

To be honest, I'm not sure she's not in love with me anymore. I think this is only temporary and that she convinced her self that she doesn't love me anymore. I think she jumped ship too soon and hasn't checked out 100 % emotionally. I dunno, a lot of mixed signals. Very confusing

 

But I can't think like that, it's really holding me back from moving on. She's gone and I should just accept it!

[sypaman]

Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee

Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper late

 

 

I think it's true for the most part, but there are exceptions to every rule depending on circumstance ... I've been i n love 5 times ...

 

for me it's been

 

Dumper - pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee , but eventually found peace with it

mutual -pain initially- fond memories later on

dumpee - pain initially - negative feelings toward dumper late , but eventually found peace with it

dumpee- pain initially - negative feelings toward dumper late , but eventually found peace with it

dumpee- pain initially - negative feelings toward dumper late , still struggling with negetive feelings

 

the first time i was the dumper , but heart broken and love sick over it. but it had to be done , she cheated on me. I was hurt and angry for twenty years .. about ten years ago we reconnected , and i'm happy to say we're friends today , we e-mail once a month or so ....

 

the second time was in the airforce. we had one sweet summer that we knew had to end. i always looked back on that smiled. always will. We didn't stay in touch when we left each other, we knew it was too painful. i went looking for her on the internet , and found out she died back in the 80's. no hurt there , just bittersweet memories.

 

my ex wife i screwed up , i cheated. first anyway , she cheated later too after me. she hates me to this day , and i wish it wasn't like that ... it affected the kids to a degree ... i wish it wasn't so nasty at the end and it all just carried over as she's held the grudge all these years. but i understand now. it's not really hate ... it's love in reverse ... as much as she loved me , as much as she hurt , is how much she expresses it in her distain of me for doing that to her. but i hope someday she gets over it and forgives .... not for me , but to lift that from her own soul.

 

my next girlfriend , we lived together, were together on and off for 14 years ... but i could see the end coming , we couldn't even have a conversation without an argument .. this was after i picked up and moved to florida for her ... she broke up with me , we slept in separate rooms for a while , and when she started seeing someone else a month later i left and came home ... but that first night she slept out of the house , while i was still there .. i feel she purposely inflictted a hurt i didn't deserve ... karma caught up and he dumped her 6 months later ... now i just kinda pity her lonely life . we have a son together too , so i still have to deal with her nastiness , and that amazes me because she acts like i'm the one who hurt her ... whatever ....

 

then last year i was dumped .. that's when i found this site ... and it hurt soooo much .. i was dumped over the phone, no closure , and replaced a month later .... same kind of hurt all over again , by someone i dated for a year, believed it when she said she loved me, yet never spoke to me about anything being wrong. just that i was awesome and she needed to be alone for a while. i went through the anger , and i think i can wish her happiness in the end ... but a part of me still would like karma to catch up with her too , let her heart hurt by someone dumping and replacing her .... so i guess it's whatever mood i'm in when i think of her that depends weather i smile or hope she gets hurt too .. so i'm not entirely over it yet. but i know it'll be like the other times and the anger will go away in time ....

[DenverBachelor]

More like:

 

Dumper: I wonder if I push this * * * * * * * off the balcony if five stories is enough to finish him off?

Dumpee: I wonder if I jump off this balcony if five stories is enough to finish me off?

[brokenheart41]

This is such a good thread that it needs a little bump again *bump*

[sphx26]

I agree, this is a good thread! It amuses me how I could relate to some of the posts, especially this:

 

Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee

Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later