dumper/dumpee long term psychology

[GenoGeno]

I was neglectful in the relationship so I know why she broke up with me. She's told me she would have still loved me til' this day if i wasn't so bad all the time. So really, I can't feel any hate for my ex, I knew I was making her unhappy and she is a sweet girl. All i really feel is regret on my actions.

[d_lilah]

I quite like this thread. I agree with it, about the dumpees mindset, but I think the dumpers one depends on what kind of person they are, and if they have any regret.

 

I'd like to think that mine would look back with fond memories one day, but alas, he displays all the signs of a sociopath

[SadAndy]

i think that OPs idea certainly holds true when the dumper is motivated by the old 'greener pastures' thing. they dump because they are unsatisfied with what they have (be it purely the dumpee or life in general) to move onto something new and exciting.

 

monkey swing through trees. monkey only let go of branch when new branch appear.

 

of course, pastures are never greener and they come to look back on the old pasture and decide it probably wasn't as brown and dry as they thought

 

by this time old pasture has healed and has certainly got nice and green again, but wants no part of the monkey that made it brown in the first place...

 

...mixed my metaphors there a bit.

 

 

I know its an impossible question to answer but what sort of percentage of 'new' relationships do you people reckon turn out to fail, or the grass not being greener on the other side?

 

I'm only asking as my ex and her new bloke are 12 years apart (shes 33, hes 21 and our daughter is 8). Is should struggle but having bumped into them in town today they look really good together and my ex even had a smug look, almost a sneer, about her that I really want it to fail.

Like I have said in another post, she has only had 2 relationships in her life, mine for 14 yrs and this bloke and I just really want her to feel the pain of being dumped or making a wrong choice etc.

They've officially been togehter 12 weeks (so i suppose it should be all fluffy and nice) but i'm just wondering what the chances are of it blowing up.

I've got no intention of ever gettig back with the ex (which is just as well as shes made it clear that shes got no intention of getting back with me!) but I just really want to see her suffer!

 

Your views would be great. I know it depends on two people being compatible and trust me these are, but I guess everyone feels like that at the start?

[kelly155]

What about when the dumper leaves you for someone else? Its seems that they move right into a new relationship and really feel no pain or remorse whatsoever do they eventually feel pain? have good memories? bad memories? no memories? And when the move to a new relationship so quickly do these relationships tend to fizzle out or are these types of relationships better than getting involved with someone while you have been single for some time?

 

That's exactly what I want to know too!

[Brigadoon]

I've got a sneaky feeling this might be spot on in my case; My ex couldn't get far enough away from me for the first 6 months and for the past 4 months has been sending me an increasing number of texts behind his girlfriends back (the one he left me for). I in the meantime have dealt with all of my issues and have just this week decided to bar his number from my phone as I've reached the point where I no longer care if I hear from him and when I do I find him slightly irritating and increasingly unattractive.

[progression50]

big ol bump

[NBT007]

What a fantastic thread. I am the dumpee - my girfriend left me after a 13 year relationship. She had an affair (and I never saw that coming) which is bad enough, but she then moved straight in with the other guy. By "straight in" I mean the same day she moved out of our house. Knocked me completely off my feet. I didnt find out about them living together until 2 weeks later and I mantained contact for another 2 weeks after that. I instigated NC because it hurt so bad just to see her. She on the other hand thought that we could still be friends!!! Thankfully she has also stuck to NC but I feel that is more because she really just doesnt care - she had some tears and in the period of 1 solitary day thinks that she has dealt with all the emotions and feelings that she caused by cheating on me.

It is still early days in our seperation - 3 months from her asking to end it and 2 and half months since I found out about her infidelity, so I am soooooooooo hoping that it really doesnt work out for her and her new all singing, all dancing, love of her life.

[anu1560]

1. Dumpee: Was very painful. Hated him. Now have no feelings. But will never take him back or go to him. But ok with saying hi if I bump onto him.

2. Dumper: Was a relief. I still hate him for being abusive. I had no pain at all ever when I dumped him. And its 2.5 years and have absolutely no regret. He deserved it 100%. Don't ever want to see him again.

3. Dumpee: Painful but not too painful. Too soon to have either negative or positive about him. But I think I will always have a positive feelings for him.

 

So it depends why you broke up really. you see the relationship lot better when you are far away from it and make up your mind about the ex later.

[jenna-is-here]

I have dumped and been dumped.

 

My psychology just depends on the person and our relationship. It doesn't matter if I dumped or got dumped.

 

There are some people I dumped that I think about all the time. I wonder if I made the right decision. Think of them fondly. And there are some I dumped that treated my poorly during the relationship that I do not think about at all.

 

For the people that have dumped me, I dont really have a desire to see them. I think they will focus on all my negatives and I dont like being viewed in that light. I would rather just avoid it.

[FaceBlaster]

I would like to be dumped by you 'jenna-is-here':splat:

[sunman79]

I was the dumpee in my last two relationships and they were both very different. The former ex was the love of my life and it ended with me having false hope, feelings of abandonment and rejection and it took me months just to begin to heal. It's now been 10 months and I still can't look at a picture of her because I don't want to think about her. I don't know if I can ever be friends with her because I just loved her too much. Maybe someday... The latter ex was a great (so I thought) girl and we had something genuine. I think... She played games the last month (we lasted 3) and when it ended it hurt, but I was moving on the next day. One month later I think I could run into her and feel indifference. I still think the OP is right in general, but I also believe every situation is different.

[pygmalion]

"By the terrible alchemy of egotism you converted you into rage". Oscar Wilde

[resilient7]

every situation is different but what the OP said in the beginning holds true alot of the time

[LCA1986]

I think what Lilipadgirl mentioned about the post break up actions does make a difference. Here is my input:

 

1. I was the dumper. I dated her for only 5 months and broke it off because I realized I wasnt as into her as I thought I was. As a dumper, I felt remorse and doubts and that led me to ask for another chance, but she said no. I am glad she said no because I was asking for a second chance for all the wrong reasons... guilt. Anyway, fast forward 7 years... and we are best friends even though we live in different cities. We keep in contact daily and there have been times when she has said that she would definitely give me another chance if I were to be interested. When I asked her why after so long and after all the pain that I caused her... she replied; "because you were always honest with me and showed me that even though you didnt have romantic feelings for me you still cared a lot about me as a person"

 

2. 4 Years relationship, the longest I have have had. Technically, I was the dumper because I was the one who said "I am done, let's break up", but if you take into consideration everything... it was her who pushed me to a corner so I could break up and she could on freely without guilt. I later found out that she cheated on me with one of my younger cousins who I grew up with. It's been a little more than two years... I have fond memories because she was my first love and I know that we genuinely loved each other for the first couple of years, but at the same time I dont really have any respect for her... I think of her as a manipulative and coward person who didnt have the guts to break it off.

 

3. Most recent break up. Dated for about 7 months. I broke it off knowing that she wasnt as commited as I was. Tried to get back with her, but she just strung me along for a whole month... giving me false hope and twisting the blame on me until she found someone else. It's been 1.5 months post break up so it's too soon to know what my feelings towards her will be in the future. But right now, even though I wish her the best in her new relationship, I simply dont have respect for her and I dont want to know anything about her. I believe I would have been up for a friendship had she been straightforward with me about this other person.

[Dezireey]

I don't know about this really. Doesn't it really depend on why you were dumped in the first place? I got dumped because my ex got completely fed up with my erratic mood swings caused by a hormone imbalance which was rectified about 50% by surgery (still got more to come I've been told, so not 100%) I was sweet, funny, kind and thoughtful one day to him, then a complete * * * * * and abusive, aggressive the next. He couldn't stand it anymore and just told me where to shove it. I apologised, pleaded, said sorry etc. Then recently got super angry with him again which resulted in him saying that he made the right decision. Now for the life of me, I can't imagine him looking down the line in a few years thinking good things about me, unless he has a personailty change and actually realises that for most of the time he treated me like a pile of poo. Who knows. I, on the other hand have gone through terrible pain and had to deal with tragedy as well, so I think I quite despise him. I would probably laugh in his face a few years from now if he approached me and flirted. I would remember the pain he put me through and the lack of understanding about my problem and cut him cold. Seriously.....I think he would do the same. So not sure every dumper gets a bit nostalgic about who they have dumped after a long while.

[sushigirlie]

Search, I just posted exact same thought in response to someone's question. yes, completely true. I have been both, a dumper and a dumpee. This is spot on. I didn't try going back to people that dumped me and eventually I stopped caring about them. If I dumped people, I then later started missing them. And in a couple of instances wanted them back , but then it was too late. I didn't realize it was a pattern, until you spelled it out so eloquently. Well done.

L.C.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Unbelievable! I was going to post a question about this very topic, but this thread popped up - resurrected from years ago! Don't you just love the internet?!

 

I think the OP nailed it. I can say for sure in my current breakup/healing that I have gone from sad and pining for my ex, to now, a SEETHING nasty hatred for her. I want her to loose EVERYTHING and take a trip to hell. It's actually shocking the way I have been thinking about her lately ...walking around my house spewing the nastiest venom about her (to myself). This has come on pretty suddenly so I was wondering if this is common for others recovering from being abandoned? I still fall back into missing her and all that, but until now I wasn't able to think very negatively about her. But now its off the chain! The dog has been set loose and it is angry!!!

 

 

 

Search, I just posted exact same thought in response to someone's question. yes, completely true. I have been both, a dumper and a dumpee. This is spot on. I didn't try going back to people that dumped me and eventually I stopped caring about them. If I dumped people, I then later started missing them. And in a couple of instances wanted them back , but then it was too late. I didn't realize it was a pattern, until you spelled it out so eloquently. Well done.

L.C.

[Nugs]

What a great thread. I wonder how some of the posters from several years back are doing. My ex dumped me suddenly and devastatingly after a long (18 yr) relationship back in September. I was a mess for months and even though occasionally angry would have taken her back in an instant if I am honest. Now? Now I am still sad and get depressed and introspective sometimes and wonder what I did, and even miss her - but the anger is much stronger. I wish it wasn't as I'm sure anger is a negative emotion which does me no good. But I feel it. This time last year we were happy (I thought) ready to pay off the mortgage and lots of adventures ahead. Now I am buying her out and will be in debt all over again for another 20 years! I didn't want any of this. Also I have had plenty of time to see that she was dishonest. She had met someone else but persisted in telling me she loved me and never gave me a chance to address what was wrong in our relationship. I really don't want to ever see her again.

 

Anyway, friends tell me she feels guilty (good!) and "still cares for me" (how annoying is it to hear that!!) It will be interesting to see if she continues to feel this way, and how we both feel in a year.

[Tom1990]

Wow Nugs, 18 years. I truly feel for you! I'm having a hard enough time with my 4-5 months on and off.

 

Yeah, I despise my ex. I can't imagine her feeling any guilt or caring or anything towards me. It drives me crazy though, the mutual friends we have. I'd give anything to ask them, to know how she's feeling or thinking towards me. I don't dare cross that boundary though!

[Tom1990]

Pondering it more, I find when constant contact is unavoidable, the dumper/dumpee dynamic gets locked in the early stages of breakup. There's no room for the dumper to wonder what's going on with me. She can overhear my conversations and get snapshots of my life. There's no space for me to truly regret the relationship or accept it's over. I see her every day as she truly is, and must acknowledge contact is a possibility. There is no mystery for her, and hope for reconcilliation (no matter how much I don't want it anymore) is always lurking.

 

How annoying.

[sushigirlie]

FreeFall, I read your story. I can relate to what you are saying about spewing venom. Same here, yikes. I am sorry to see you so upset, but we all have to go through this healing process. Getting angry is a part of that healing.

 

You seem to agree with the original post. Have you had previous examples such that you can relate? Have you reached a point of no return with your most recent ex? L.C.

[felicitousMe]

bumping this for the others.. good read.

[sadbutrue]

I was the dumpee and I totally agree with this...I only have bad feelings for him

[muskrats21]

I was dumper with ex wife. Wanted absolutely nothing to do with her or even think about her for a long time. Now kind of feel bad about how I handled things. She didn't deserve to be treated that way. So so relationship now, a lot went down. I do feel bad that she hasnt' truly found happiness and would take me back (still) in a second. But... nothing there for me.

 

Dumpee with a 4 year relationship. Don't really have an emotion one way or the other now (3 years later). At first was obsessed getting her back but never happened. If anything look back and see it as a good thing. Better off without her.

 

Current dumpee and this one stings more than anything I've ever been through (including divorce). Having a REAL hard time with it. Verdict is still out on how I feel about her and being the dumpee. Still living it. Im not really "mad" just disappointed and confused. I don't think I could ever get to the point where I dislike her or have angry feelings to be honest. Feels like I should, but I still care deeply about her.

[zyketti]

I think this concept works in general…

 

But there's no doubt in my mind that, if you guys were deep in love, both sides will be under pain no matter what. I've been dumped twice from semi-srs relationships.

 

One, a 7 year relationship. two weeks before she broke up with me, she was sobbing every night, took sleeping pills; there were few nights where I came over to her house (parents home) to sit by the bed and allow her to sleep then leave. She just kept saying the reasons were from her work… Later to find out it was because she was planning to break up. Even after the break-up, she had a very difficult time for 2 weeks then eventually found a new bf.

 

Second, a 1.5 year relationship, broke up nearly 2 weeks ago (she dumped me). 11 days later, I chased her down with an 8 page letter explaining everything like the scientist I am, and even before I had the chance to open my mouth, she was teary eyed. Then tears.

 

Both girls were hurting for sure, even though they were the dumper.