dumper/dumpee long term psychology

[kathy679]

I have dumped people in the past and they have been devestated, not talked to me and have gone into years of leading separate lives. I am now friends with all of them, because there are no feelings on either side. It was just that they needed time to heal and move on.

I was a nice girlfriend to them but they were hurting.

 

My long term boyfriend i dumped, I was very hurt even although i dumped him. I loved him very much.

The ex who recently dumped me, i loved him very much.

Ex boyfriends ive dumped, but didnt love, but cared for very much, i felt guilty, but i wasnt too bad.

 

My ex of recently dumped me. It has really hurt me and I told him i didnt want to be friends. I think in time i could of been friends with him, but they way he dumped me was cowardly. He never actually told me he wanted to end things, he said he didnt no what he wanted. Basically he wanted me as a back up plan. I later found out he cheated on me with lots of girls. If he had of ended things in a respectful way and didnt cheat i think in time we would of been friends once i had of moved on and had no feelings, but as things are I dont ever want to speak to him again.

[AlienQueen]

Interesting read!

 

Dumpee - First relationship at 17, only 4 months long, cried for ages, took me a year to get over that relationship, friends now, only found out years later that he did love me, but because someone forced themself on me, and I ended up cheating that he felt like he had to.

 

Dumper - 1.5 years, very forced relationship, wished I stayed broken up with him 2 months in, he drank alot and took drugs. I ended up regretting it and tried to get back, only I got messed around and felt like the dumpee, moved on after he slept with me again and didnt tell me he'd slept with someone else, friends now, managed to forgive, no attraction whatsoever now.

 

Dumpee - Most recent, 3 year relationship, we broke once before, same reasons both time, that it was going no where and it was him not me....I found out from his mum (stupid thing to do contacting her but I was worried) that he was coming home from work, not eating dinner or saying anything, and staying in his room, and only leaving to drive - helps him think. He'd also admitted he broke down after the BU with me. Spoke to him a week ago (hotel room planned ages ago) that he'd apparently 'let himself go', and examples of times he felt crap, hes still stressed, skint, and getting ill from pushing himself to hard, so yer he's not finding it easy. I've managed to move forward a lot with my life so far.

[dpo85]

This is very insightful, and true for the most part from my experience.

 

1st - dumpee - 1 year + relationship, many ups and downs, but I loved her very much. She cheated, and it was difficult to bear for months. I foolishly kept in contact until I found this forum and went NC. Met someone amazing after going no contact, then ex reengaged, and continued to for months. She still contacts me a few times a year, regrets what she did. She does have BPD so that affects her behavior, etc. I wish the best for her, but I see how toxic she can be and honestly I pity her.

 

2nd - mutual/dumper - 6 months + relationship. She was girl after the cheating ex. Things grew routine and boring and I was not knowledgeable or experienced enough to know what I needed to do to lift it out of that (I now have learned). We both decided it wasn't working and parted ways as friends (although I initiated the conversation asking if there was anything left there), stayed in touch thinking we might rekindle things one day, still talk periodically. We've both had relationships after the breakup, but still care about each other. She appears to have moved on, but I have a great deal of trouble doing so. Regret ending things a great deal, especially now that I have the knowledge I previously lacked that would have solved our issues. I've made my feelings for her clear and that I'd like to try again, but no interest currently. I probably foolishly hold out hope that we might find one another one day, but as time goes on that thought dims. I will always care for her and wish her the best in life, even if I'm not part of it.

 

3rd - dumpee -1 yr + relationship (most recent). Some ups and downs but we had chemistry like I've never had and don't know if either would find again. Always laughed and had fun when together, never got boring. She is very critical though and would find issues when there were none. She realized this and couldn't find out why, so she took time to think and now doesn't feel we are a good fit (despite the many examples of what she looks for that she and I had). Its very upsetting and confusing. We are very similar but also very different, but we had a connection that is rare and she admitted that often. She never sat me down to talk and say how she felt or why she felt that way, only sending text messages and disconnecting. While frustrating I can understand and respect her feelings. I cannot respect how she handled things. Cowardly. It may be a little bit of grass is greener and I'd guess she will realize it after dating some lower value men, and reinitiate at some point. She was very similar personality type to #1. She is very stubborn and proud though, and even though she may regret her decision greatly in time, she might also never admit it. Right now I am angry with her, hurt, confused, and lost, but in time I will end up seeing some of her bad qualities and see it wasn't meant to be, but I will always wish her the best.

 

I think a lot has to do with the reason for breakup, but also whether or not the people find someone better afterwards. Generally I've taken the time after to heal and reflect and learn and it does help, so I am improving. But I've seen #1 and #3 go down. #1 very much so as she got into abusive relationship right away. #3 too early to tell, but when I dropped of her things, she looked tired and sloppy, like she hadn't been working out much, and had been drinking more.

 

For myself I find that if I'm the dumpee, I learn, improve and move upwards. I don't hate the dumper, but I do see the negatives clearly. I pity them, and that they acted hastily and didn't take the time to work on things and sort of slide downwards. I pray for them.

[Jatli]

Bumping so others can read.. good thread

[SBTNT]

Thanks for this post. I have never been the dumper, but was dumped just a little over two weeks ago for another woman. I am trying the no contact rule, but it is so hard! As the person that was dumped, it is a crushing blow especially when it was not expected. The person that is doing the dumping doesn't seem to care about what he is saying that will hurt the other person. In my case, he flaunted his love for this woman and hung up the phone on me. It's as though the last three years meant nothing and now I don't even exist! As you said the dumper feels no pain because he is making the decision to leave while the dumpee is devastated. I am not capable of hurting someone like that because there once was love. Although in my pain, it is hard for me to contemplate, but it is interesting to know from someone that has been both the dumper and dumpee, that the dumper can sometimes think about the person that was dumped and maybe have positive feelings later...interesting!

[T Rex]

I'm the "dumper", (a phrase I don't like, dumping is for poo and trash, I think higher of my ex.)

 

I'd say it's a mixed bag of feelings. He treated me poorly the few weeks/months before I threw in the towel. When I stay busy and/or focus on that, I don't feel all that bad. Though I can't turn off how I feel about him overnight, or forget about our good times. Sometimes I feel so conflicted, that I feel like the one "dumped". Maybe it's partly because I don't blame him that much. I definitely didn't deserve my treatment, but there were other factors involved.

 

I think it can depend on the seriousness of the relationship, and the circumstances involved.

 

Maybe it's better if he grows to dislike me, it'd help us both stomp out any hope of reconciliation.

[itsallmental]

Bumping!

 

I'm 1 month out from the breakup, 1 week since no contact. When it boils down to it, she didn't feel mutually and left me for someone else... Will she eventually be back? Maybe. But for me to take her back, it'd take some very serious reconciliation and improvement on her part. I'm angry about a lot, confused about a lot, but I'm also understanding. It's just unfortunate that she's lost someone who cares so much for her. On my end, I'm healing, each day gets easier. After the initial shock begins to fade, once you come to some conclusions, it becomes less about them and more about you. Your attitude, the way you allow yourself to think, that is what dictates how you progress. I'm leaving doors open, but I'm not standing under the arch waiting. One thing i can say for sure is that no matter the circumstance, shes lost something special. I'm just proud I was the best boyfriend I could have been. No regrets. I can also say the way I've handled this breakup has been honest and mature. I can't necessarily say the same for her. But I also don't claim to know everything.

 

I was once told, "nothing during a break up is as it seems, there are too many variables to account for. It's never worth trying to get in their head."

 

I completely agree, if she wants to talk, she knows exactly how to contact me. If she doesn't, then I wish her well.

[sadbutrue]

in: link removed

[Heartbrok3n445]

Interesting read. From my experience with my current ex/break up (this is the second time we have been broken up), the first time was similiar as described

 

Me (dumpee) - pain initially, desparate stage, only thought of the good times, then started realising the bad times, etc

 

Him (dumper) - relief/happiness, over time started realising the good times, felt pain, came back

 

Looking back now the negative feelings of him would have grown and stuck had he not come back so soon (two months in total of being broken up)

 

Now, second time broken up I'm feeling the pain currently, did the desperate thing, and hoping to start seeing/feeling negative about him (right now I'm thinking of the good for some stupid reason considering how much worse he's treated me this time around.

 

Not sure what he's feeling. The only reason I know what he felt the first time was cause we got back together.

 

From what I've heard and how it seems he is in the happy/relief stage, living his life and seems okay with me not being in it.

 

Will he start to remember the good and do a repeat of last time? I dont know, only time will tell.

 

I'm hoping my negative feelings of him will start to show themselves more and stick more though