"closure?" i know, i know, but hear me out.

[need2bme]

Sorry about the hijack.

 

I do.

[iceman85]

Joyce I think you are the one that knows whats best. I do think closure is best in your case because of how he has treated you.

[ladyj]

I'm going to jump on this one.

 

Before my break up I had many doubts about my ex for months. I always thought he was just going through a phase, being that he just turned 30 I always wondered if he was just feeling insecure about where he is in life at the moment. My friends told me to be patient and give him the time he asked me to sort his thoughts and feelings. I tried to be as understanding as I could, catered to all his needs and barely a month ago we got approved to buy a house. I thought things were rolling in the right direction. A week before he broke up with me, he told me how much he was in love with me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

The day he broke up with me, he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he needed space. I was left with a million of questions and no closure. I was desperate to find out all the answers and wondered how much did he need. I was told "give him a month" no " give him two weeks". I mean I would have given him all the time If i knew that's all it was SPACE. Sure enough last week I popped at his house at 4 am (NEVER DO THAT!!!...NOT A GOOD IDEA) and I heard him having sex with someone else. At that moment I got the closure I needed, all my question were answered and I don't have anymore doubts. I'm still left with a terrible sadness and dispair.

 

Man try to avoid confrontation and would rather not answer any questions. I had to make closure for myself if I ever wanted to move on. Unfortunately, I found it in a terrible form, but at least now all the doubts I had before the break up have been answered. Now I know i didn't do anything wrong and that he was just not man enough to face me with the truth. Even when we broke up I asked if it was due to another person and swore it wasn't. Now, I really don't care if it was one, two or how ever many he had. All I know is that he did it and that was the reason why he broke up with me over the phone. HE COULD NOT FACE ME!!!

 

CLOSURE...sometimes you have to find it on your own and make peace with it. If he/she have respect for you, they will try to give you the answers you need to be able to move on. Just make sure you're ready mentally to accept their answers. I SURE WISH I HAD SOMEONE WITH ME ON THAT NIGHT!.

 

I wish you all the strenght that you will need to find what you're looking for.

[joyce1412]

sorry ladyj, that sounds terrible.

 

i guess i would first need to figure out what i really want to know. i'm not looking for answers as to "where it went wrong," because i've found most of them in myself. and plus, my ex was very keen to blame everything on me, and i know it's not my fault.

 

i think i need closure, or some form of closure, because a) the breakup was over the phone, so it was hard to make 'real' in my mind, b) some of his actions after the breakup have been disrespectful and even vengeful, so i need to get straight with him why he is acting out, and c) i just want a kinder goodbye than the one i received, and i think since we have both had a few months to simmer down and have time alone this will be easier and less emotionally wrenching, and because it will be less difficult emotionally, i believe (or hope) he will be in the mindset to be more fair and giving. and there's something about seeing him that i think will help me close the book on it. after all, the last time i saw him about three months ago, he was showering me with kisses and telling me how much he loved me. i need to get our new "relationship" (meaning NO relationship) straight in my head, if that makes sense.

 

and if he says no to meeting with me, well, then i'll just tell him he can call me when he's "ready to be an adult about it," and never call him again. then at least i can go out the classy one, and i believe this is what he will have the hardest time facing: that i'm actually NOT the 'problem' he wants to believe i am.

[joyce1412]

...and come to think of it, i think i might have an easier time with meeting than he will. i have accepted who he is, warts and all, in this time away from each other, while his actions have led me to believe he is the victim of "cognitive distortion" (thanks icemotoboy, haha), or making me out to be the bad guy. he has tried to move on by making me into a different person that he doesn't like, so he's moving on by living a lie.

 

does anyone have any suggestions for how to call and broach the topic with him?

[serenity25]

...and come to think of it, i think i might have an easier time with meeting than he will. i have accepted who he is, warts and all, in this time away from each other, while his actions have led me to believe he is the victim of "cognitive distortion" (thanks icemotoboy, haha), or making me out to be the bad guy. he has tried to move on by making me into a different person that he doesn't like, so he's moving on by living a lie.

 

does anyone have any suggestions for how to call and broach the topic with him?

 

Joyce, this may be a really bad thing I did, but when I wanted closure after my ex suddenly flew in to visit me, we had an argument and I went into my bedroom, came out only to find him calling a cab... I was stunned as he said he didn't love me anymore, got in the cab and left me crying on the curb begging him to stay....

 

anyways, he wouldn't answer the phone and there were some things I just NEEDED to say to him. So I blocked my phone number when I called him and he answered... he was surprised to hear it was me and obviously wasn't happy about it, but he did pretend to listen to me after I said he really owed me just that much. Honestly, speaking to him never really gave me closure. They give you excuses, he didn't even seem to know why it ended himself and said, "You might be right. I could wake up one day and be like what was I thinking..." Grrrr.

 

Anytime I did get to briefly speak with him, it ended with me wishing I had just said this or that... there was always something else I felt the need to say- or he said something new that made me need closure on a whole other subject. Bottom line is, do whatever you feel you have to do. If that involves talking to him, do it, but just be prepared for how you may feel afterwards. You could even feel more confused or lost than before. Ultimately, the others are right about the closure just taking time and having to come from within. Regardless of that, my only advice is to do what you feel you must in order to start the healing process. I really wish you the very best as I was there a year ago, and as my ex is engaged to be married in a couple months suddenly, I'm still looking for whatever it is we like to call "closure." But, I'm OK and I'm living a healthier life than my ex, I have goals and I'm doing something positive with my life. He on the other hand is getting trashed every week... but he's engaged so he must be happy, LOL.

[joyce1412]

thanks for all your responses! that really helped to hear that i wasn't totally off my rocker for breaking NC, though i do believe i have a good purpose for it.

 

i made the call tonight...i had to leave a voicemail. i won't deny it, for a little while afterward i was KIND of dying inside. i'm afraid he'll totally blow me off...it wouldn't be the first time a guy has denied me closure. if i knew my ex was still the same guy i knew before we broke up, there would be no doubt in my mind that he would call me back...he was a dependable guy, always wanted to make people feel good, had good karma. but considering his actions as of late, who KNOWS how this could end up. i think he's going to respond, but if not, well, at least i tried.

 

i tried to sound lighthearted/casual in my message, no scariness or attitude...still, i think he's going to be totally caught off guard. will this work to my advantage? maybe, maybe not. sigh...it was really weird hearing his voice on the machine. weird and hard. i hope this whole thing doesn't set me back or get my heart set on reconciliation again.

 

wish me luck.

[serenity25]

Good luck hun! No matter what happens, remember that you will be OK. You've done what you can and now just have to see what he does with the ball in his court. Hopefully he will be kind enough to return the phone call and help give you the closure you need, but if he doesn't, the closure could come at the realization that he really is that much of a thoughtless jerk. (worst case scenario)

 

Keep us posted!!

[brickchamp]

Joyce - you made the call? Wow, that took guts. When I think of contacting mine, the fear of another rejection scares me something terrible. I don't think I could do it. But I feel the same as you, because he broke up with me in a text, and I've not seen him since. It is surreal that it even happened. If I had seen the look he had in his eyes when he ended it, I could maybe have accepted it more, or had a better understanding of why. Who knows? I really hope he returns your call, you meet, and you get what you need from him, and that you'll be able to move ahead without the questions that have been nagging at you. Let us know how it goes.....best wishes.

[need2bme]

You made the call. Great. I think if it is what you needed, go for it. Trouble is, as with me, hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.

 

I appreciate greatly, that a lot of folks on here state that you have to do what is is you have to do, to make you feel better. We don't always know what that is.

 

Are you preparing yourself to really get closure? I like Serenity's post, because I think she is right. Won't everything that is said, make you want more or different closure? I say that, because I am already reading into every action my GF is making. Good luck.

[joyce1412]

we had our talk this morning...SOOOO weird. it was so distant. we were both being nice, cordial, and cool, but that sense of intimacy that used to always be there was completely gone. it was almost alarming, it felt like i was talking to a completely different person.

 

he agreed to meet for coffee, played it very cool. at least he did that, i feel a little better. but he did mention that he was "waiting for me" to get in touch with him, like waiting for me to make the move and say we were okay, which PISSED me off. so he breaks up with me and is a total jerkoff, but i need to be the one to call HIM up to make sure we're okay? he was really going to sit on his * * * and not try to offer me any kind of apology? now THAT was pretty damn appalling. i'm still upset about that. thank god i got in touch with him now and not later, seeing as he was completely putting any reconciliation in my hands. GRRRRR.

 

it was the little things...i mentioned that our last conversation (in which he rudely dumped me) was "less than polite," and he kind of half-chuckled--not laughed, just a little, "ha." yeah, SOOOO funny, right? it's soooo funny that the mean words he said to me have been replaying in my head a thousand times for the last two months, right? ugh. jerk. i know he's being cool and casual about it because he's still resisting feeling guilty, so i get it. still, i continue to feel as if he's being rather heartless. it's a big change, because when we were together he was always so sensitive, so caring about the feelings of others, mine in particular, of course. who IS he now?

 

the positive result, though, is that we will be meeting, so i'll get to say my piece and be done with it. plus i get the feeling that he thinks i want to get together so we can be 'buds,' and what i'm really going to do is address all the crappy things he did and refuse to let him deny what he's been doing. i'm not going to be crazy and accusational, but believe you me, i will stand up for myself, and i think he's going to be rather uncomfortable unless he's in complete denial. it will be interesting to see how he reacts. if he continues to deny responsibility i will be SO pissed.

 

the other nice thing is that we really had a rather lame conversation. naturally, it was that way because we're both purposely handling each other with distance, but at least i didn't hear his voice or hear him talk about his travels and fall in love with him all over again. you know? it was a hard conversation, but it was okay. i think seeing him will probably be a good reminder as to why i shouldn't love him anymore.

 

i think our meeting is going to happen in about a week and a half. i'll let you know how it goes.

[serenity25]

Good for you and good luck! Just really make sure that you say what you need to in order to stand up for yourself and get things off your chest. Don't let him sweet talk you into forgetting how he treated you, then later regret not saying what you originally planned. It sounds like you are going about things the right way. Yelling or accusing never gets the person to listen- they just go into defense mode. So calmly yet confidently standing up for yourself is the best way. You are so in control and I'm proud of you!

[serenity25]

I like Serenity's post, because I think she is right. Won't everything that is said, make you want more or different closure? I say that, because I am already reading into every action my GF is making. Good luck.

Sometimes searching for closure can end up becoming a painful cycle. I don't think there's really anything my ex could have said to give me closure after how suddenly he left and treated me afterwards. I would have still just analyzed whatever he said, leading to more questions, doubts, frustrations. I think it's good to do whatever you have to do in order to not look back and think, "I wish I would have said this" or "If only I had tried this" but that is for your own piece of mind. You may still have these thoughts later on- I still do, but I said what I felt I needed to at the time, to at least feel that I called him on his cowardly actions and stood up for myself. Ultimately, no matter what actions you take with an ex, closure really is up to you- it will never be given to you... it is just something you end up discovering over time.

[joyce1412]

Good for you and good luck! Just really make sure that you say what you need to in order to stand up for yourself and get things off your chest. Don't let him sweet talk you into forgetting how he treated you, then later regret not saying what you originally planned. It sounds like you are going about things the right way. Yelling or accusing never gets the person to listen- they just go into defense mode. So calmly yet confidently standing up for yourself is the best way. You are so in control and I'm proud of you!

 

thank you so much! i've really appreciated your words, and everyone's words. i have found new peace today, even though i haven't really gotten to discuss the real 'meat' with my ex.

 

i will not let him sweet-talk me, don't worry. i used to consider it a fault, but one thing i have always been big on is standing up and trying to right what i believe is 'unfair'--sometimes at high costs. i know it's going to be hard seeing him, seeing his face again, the face that i looked at and loved for so long. that's the only variable to which i'm not sure how i'll react, and i'm a bit nervous about how it will make me feel. but other than that, i think my ex will probably--PROBABLY--be somewhat gracious about whatever i have to say. i think he knows what he did, deep down, and can't fully acknowledge it yet, and maybe never will. but i believe he understands that he should do for me whatever it is that i need to feel better.

 

i'm not looking for answers as to why it ended...i'm completely uninterested in what he has to say on THAT matter. not only have i heard enough of his side, i think he's mostly wrong or misguided. so in that way, i can't be disappointed. the only way i can be disappointed is if he continues to make himself completely unresponsible for his terribly rude, tacky, and unfair actions. but even if that were to happen, i'll know i did the best i could to sort things out and make myself feel better, and that always counts for something.

 

i think i would highly recommend this to other dumpees who essentially went straight into NC after their breakups...i feel like it's putting my healing on the right track. of course it's different for everyone, and some dumpers might not be willing as mine to participate, but the only other time i've had my heart broken, i got the closure of speaking to my ex VERY late in the game (he denied me the first time i tried to get it). though i can't say for certain, i think i probably went through months more agony and craziness than i had to.

[blemished]

I don't think it's a good idea to go to your ex for closure, unless he has been with you for the whole break-up process (ie open to talk to and not being a jerk), or else he might make your experience more painful.

 

Instead, I would read books on relationships, particularly from psychological, sociological and biological points of view. They may clarify your partner's behavior and help you make choices in the future to avoid repeating mistakes or meeting inappropriate partners. In addition, I would reflect on the relationship and try to determine what went wrong, or when things started to change, etc.

 

I give you ladies a lot of credit for just blaming your ex. After being dumped by my boyfriend, and having a similar experience in my other relationship, I have grown disillusioned with men. I can't help it, but my inner reaction to men is to not trust them, concluding they all just want to get in my pants and after enough time passes, so too, will they, regardless of how much they claim to love me in the beginning. Nature is cruel.

[serenity25]

I'm sorry to hear that, blemished, but I do understand. It has been really difficult for me to trust again, but I also know it would be unfair to make every guy pay for my ex's mistakes... or to prejudge anyone based on his immature actions. I guess it's a good thing to take more precautions, to guard you heart rather than wearing it on your sleeve in the beginning. That has always been my problem...I'm a bleeding heart, as some would say. However there most definitely are guys out there worthy of winning your heart, so don't close yourself off. Give yourself time to heal and do things differently next time, but I promise there are guys out there that will TRULY love you and wouldn't break your heart. I know of quite a few good ones, and I'm sure most people you know would say they know a few as well. After all, a great number of members posting on here about being dumped are male. Don't give up hope!

[saltwatergirl]

I can relate to the disappearance of your ability to trust men.

I also dont see it as a big problem. Its a defense mechanism that you probably needed to have a long time ago. If you can learn to isolate that feeling to one person, it helps, but if you have had more than one situation where your trust was abused, you probably are choosing the wrong ones. So in that situation I think a loss of trust will protect you until you learn to categorize men in terms of worthwhile/worthless.

 

I wouldnt stress over it. Use it to your advantage.

Salt

[joyce1412]

i can also relate to your difficulty trusting men. i'm still pretty young, so i'm probably bound to come accross some likewise disappointing men. but i also know a lot of good men--friends and family--who prove me wrong when i get TOO disheartened.

 

it IS hard to isolate the feelings to one person and not carry the hurt over to ever new man you meet...maybe in dating it's better to have a bad memory, eh?

[need2bme]

I posted this in Doyle's thread, but wanted to post it here and for iceman, before his "meeting".

 

Lets just say that "closure" isn't always what it is cracked up to be. I was able to spend time with my GF. We were hanging out on the couch and she fell asleep. I wanted to be next to her so I could just be close to her and she was asleep, so she couldn't say anything. Anyway, she awoke later and told me I should go to bed. She went to the restroom and then came back and told me to come to bed. I did and slept in my jeans and t-shirt, on top of the blankets.

 

She got up the next morning and covered me up and tucked me in. Later that morning, as we were getting ready to go get something to eat, she stood up, looked at me funny and came over to me and hugged me like she hadn't in a long time. She said, "it is nice to have you here." I replied, "it is nice to be here" and I almost started crying.

 

That night at dinner, we talked a lot. We got closer and said we were sorry and explained things to each other. She talked about what I put in the letter and so did I. I told her that I know I should have done things differently. She told me that she is confused and has put herself on the back burner for everyone (and I agree that sometimes she has and especially with her family). She wants to figure out her life and just say no for a while.

 

Later that night we laid in bed and talked and hugged and kissed. She cried a lot and I hated to see her like that. It was not fair to confuse her (even though I was not trying to do that) and it made me unhappy. She would not let me go and kept holding me. I told her I understand how she feels and that she made the right decision. We were going nowhere fast. Someone had to do something.

 

It is a shame we could not talk like this before. Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I am going to leave to drive home soon and it is killing me. I realize that for now, it is over. I realize that she does not feel the same way anymore and honestly, there has been times when I haven't either.

 

In short, closure sucks. I am still not with her. I hurt her and she hurt me. I get to still go work in a different state. I know it is for the best...but I still love her. Closure sucks. This helped me understand sure, but it still hurts.

 

Well, I have to go post this to iceman. Hopefully it will help.

[joyce1412]

yikes, need2bme. i don't mean to knock you, but that's definitely not the kind of closure i'm looking for...that must have been tough. i'd say it's always, 100% of the time a BAD THING to put yourself in intimate, affectionate situations with your ex when you're not sure you can get back together. if closure is going to happen, it should be on neutral ground, and you should stay FAAAAR away from any boundaries that would hurt any party if they were crossed: being affectionate, talking about new relationships, et cetera. there definitely have to be parameters.

 

i'm so sorry though! that sounds so hard. keep posting about it if you need to.

[need2bme]

Joyce: I am happy that she allowed us to be that intimate, because it allowed me to get close enough to tell her how I felt and know that she understood it.

 

But, that being said, I feel a little closure, but wish there was a way to go backwards for a while.

 

Sure I cried a lot when I was driving here, but could also reflect on what I need to change. It was nice to get to hug her again, even if she did it for me and even if she just did it because it was familiar.

[joyce1412]

hey...whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better and help you move forward, do it (as long as it's legal

 

let us know how everything goes.