Am I expecting too much from my boyfriend?

[CandyKane]

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months now and things are going wonderfully. He has so many of the qualities that I'm looking for in a partner, we love each other very much, and we are both committed to being together for the long term. Our one major issue is my friendship with my ex, and my boyfriend's insecurity and jealousy over it.

 

My ex and I were best friends for a couple of years before we went out. After going out for five years, we had no contact for 6 months and then started to rebuild our friendship. It's now been more than 4 years since we broke up, and we managed to become very close friends again. I really enjoy the friendship with my ex, it is strictly platonic, and I would even say that we are the best of friends again. There is no chance that anything will ever happen with us again. I love my boyfriend and know he's the right person for me.

 

Every time I spend time with my ex, my boyfriend becomes very irritable and jealous and we end up arguing because he thinks it's abnormal for me to be such good friends with him. I've never experienced this before and it's quite draining. Worst of all, I now feel guilty for hanging out with my ex even though we're not doing anything wrong.... just watching a hockey game and having a bite to eat! I don't want to give up my friendship with my ex, but on the other hand, I want to respect my boyfriend's feelings and relieve the tension in our relationship. Am I being unreasonable and asking too much of my boyfriend to accept my friendship with my ex? I know he has some jealousy issues but should I give in to them or try to help him get over them?

[Scotcha]

If my boyfriend had any friendship with a female that I was not included in I would feel very jealous and insecure even if it wasn't an ex, even moreso if it was. Is there ever a time where you all hang out together? Maybe something like that would help.

[CandyKane]

I would love for the two of them to be friends but my boyfriend has such a knee-jerk reaction to my ex and has said that it probably won't ever happen. We've all been out together three times and it's been alright but my boyfriend has no desire to get to know him better.

[thegirl_00]

I can understand where he's coming from a little too well. You think YOU'RE being drained from all this? well he's probably 5 times more drained. Jealousy is the worst feeling ever and it's clear that everytime you hang out with your ex bf he's going to keep feeling that way.

 

It's hard to choose between a good friend and your boyfriend. In the end it's up to you to decide which is more important.

[kellbell]

Hi there CandyKane,

 

I am with The Girl_20 on this one. There is a going to be loser no matter what in this type of situation. You are going to have to choose which is most important to you.

 

I personally, would be upset if my boyfriend carried on with an ex and I would have no desire whatsoever to get to know the ex nor spend any time with the ex either. IMO, any ex loses their rights to friendship when the relationship is over. I have other friends to spend time with. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

[renaissancewoman101]

I dont think it is wrong that you have a friendship with an ex, provided that you keep the boundaries straight. It seems as though your bf doesnt trust you and I would more have issues with his mistrust of you, than your friendship with an ex. It isnt as though you are hiding your hanging out with him. You are even willing to include your bf to go out and hang with your ex. You are handling this in a mature way. Your bf is being way overpossessive and jealous about this matter.

 

Kellbell, I respect your opinion always, but I dont agree with your statement that an "ex loses their rights to a friendship when the relationship is over". I think sometimes, later on, when people have moved on, ex's can become good friends, esp when the sexual aspect is gone. Sometimes relationships dont work out not due to any wrongdoing by any party and sometimes people work out better as friends than as dating buddies.

[kellbell]

RW, when someone dumps me, breaks my heart, leaves me for another person, cheats on me, etc...he is done. And even if I broke up with the person, that would be selfish on my part to expect a friendship later down the line. Ex's are ex's for a reason, the past. My first BF and I left on very amicable terms, but I have no interest in being his friend. We broke up ten years ago. I am speaking from my perspective of course.

[BillyJean714]

I think that your boyfriend does have a right to feel upset.

 

Hypothetically, if he was really close friends with his ex in which he was best friends with for years, wouldn't you feel a bit odd about it? If they're hanging out, eating, and such..I mean, that's a little too close.

 

If I were him, I'd be like, "If she's so close with him still, what in the world is she doing with me?" There are certain boundaries in relationships that shouldn't be crossed, and what he's saying is this is one of them. I can see why..

 

When the two of you hang out next time, why not invite your bf along?

[sarge17]

CandyKane

 

Ok,

 

After surfing this site and reading hundreds of posts I decided to join in and reply to this thread, my first.

 

Your bf is not wrong for being upset about you spending time with your ex. If you were my girlfriend I would have dumped you the first time you were hanging out with him. Why? All good relationships are about respect. You are showing no respect to your committed bf. Its all about you (me.me.me.) If you really loved your bf like you stated you would not want to hang out with your ex you would rather spend time with your bf instead. People who love each other dont find excuses to be with other people of the opposite sex they would rather be with the person they care about. It makes you feel good that your bf is upset about you hanging with your ex??? Doesn't it?

 

When your bf finds a qaulity person to date he will not have to deal with this emotional BS. When you date qaulity people ( emoitionally healthy ) you dont have to worry about the emotional stress you are putting your bf thru. Everything comes with ease.

 

And you really, really love him, give me a break.

[lady00]

Personally, I am friends with a couple of my exes and all of my boyfriends in the past have been friends with exes while we were dating. It wasn't a problem for me and my current boyfriend doesn't have a problem with me being friends with exes. But the thing is, I don't spend too much time with these exes and it's never in private and I am fully open with my bf about it so there is really no reason for my bf to be jealous and he isn't.

 

I think it is a question of balance. Your bf needs to know he is the #1 guy in your life. If he starts feeling like he's in 2nd place, that's where the problems start to occur. Have you had a discussion with him about this? I suggest you cut down on time with your ex and focus on strengthening your relationship with your boyfriend. Bottom line, unless you give him reason not to, your bf should trust you. But, it's understandable that he may feel a bit insecure. Part of that is up to him but part of it is also up to you to make him feel like he is the most important guy in your life.

[Cecelius]

The only insecurity I see is that he doesn't just state outright that he thinks this is incorrect.

 

You may have a unique situation, but for my money (and in light of a thousand "I didn't mean for this to happen" posts on this board), a girl hanging out with her ex in one on one social situations is odd -- odd enough not to stay in such a relationship. Put it this way, if a g/f was constantly hanging out with another male friend (hockey game, bite to eat, etc.), most guys would see this as something they are not planning to have in their lives. Add to that that it's the ex, and its just straight up wrong.

 

Lastly, no matter how much your b/f cares for you, he's thinking about the other guy, who, unless he is of a priestly nature, WOULD, if circumstances were right, do something.

 

To me this would be a deal breaker -- not a big breakup item, I just wouldn't get involved with someone who regularly breaks bread and is close to someone she used to sleep with.

[hoboken12]

I really think that you are kidding yourself. You sound like you really believe that there is nothing wrong with the situation. But to me it seems like you are crossing a boundary. Not that it is ever totally wrong to have contact with an ex, but usually if one person is jealous, someone is giving them a reason to be. Whether it is you, or your ex, someone is sending signals that are justifiably making your boyfriend jealous, and maybe you are not even aware of it.

 

Picture this, what if you were married. You devoted yourself to one person and vowed to be with them until death do you part, and your husband did the same. But four times a month he goes over to his exgirlfriends place alone to hang out. How would you feel about that? What do you think most people would assume about that situation? Don't you think at least a part of you would question why?

 

The thing is, just because you are not married to this guy doesn't mean he deserves any less respect. If you are serious about a relationship with him, make that crystal clear to him and your ex. If you are not serious enough or not sure about past relationships, fine, but give him the respect everyone deserves and tell him about it.

[confused25]

Next time when you hang out with your ex why don't you just invite your bf along? If he gets to know the guy better maybe he wouldn't feel so bad. I still talk and hang out with my ex sometimes and one time my bf just happened to be there (well there were other ppl around). My bf actually went up to my ex and introduced himself before I had the chance to lol. But later he told me that he thought my ex was a pretty cool guy. So I think if you let him see that you have nothing to hide about it then he would feel less insecure about it . . .

[lady00]

Next time when you hang out with your ex why don't you just invite your bf along? If he gets to know the guy better maybe he wouldn't feel so bad. I still talk and hang out with my ex sometimes and one time my bf just happened to be there (well there were other ppl around). My bf actually went up to my ex and introduced himself before I had the chance to lol. But later he told me that he thought my ex was a pretty cool guy. So I think if you let him see that you have nothing to hide about it then he would feel less insecure about it . . .

 

These are some great suggestions. I second that.

[Aschleigh]

I have this exact problem with my newish ( 5months) boyfriend and his ex. It took a lot of talking and cajoling, but since he respects me and wants me in his life, he has told his ex to stop calling ,she used to call 1-3 times a week. He also told her to e-mail him at the most 3 times a week. She used to e-mail everyday.

Every new relationship has some insecurity in it. If you want this new relationship to work, set some boundries that feel pretty extreme for now. No calls, only occasional e-mails. Show your BF that he comes first. If indeed he does come first. If your friendship with your ex is your priority, let this guy go to find someone that will put him first. He deserves that consideration.

[CandyKane]

Wow, I have to say I'm surprised by all of the negative responses. I've been on vacation and came back to see all this. Considering F. (my ex) and I have been broken up for so long, and that the friendship is certainly platonic, and that I've been upfront about it and tried to include my boyfriend when we hang out, I really didn't think I was doing anything wrong. F. and I are just friends. We stayed friends because we have so many mutual friends in common, and we agreed a long time ago that it would be a huge loss to create rifts amongst our very close-knit group of friends. F. and I broke up because we were more friends than anything else and lacked chemistry.

 

I guess if I were in my boyfriend's situation, I wouldn't necessarily like it, but I would understand it, and because I feel quite confident and secure with who I am, I would trust that he loves me and believe him if he says they are just friends. In general, I tend to think that jealousy stems from one's own insecurities, and that it's something you have to deal with within yourself. Because in addition to him being jealous about F., he pretty much gets upset if I talk to any male he thinks would be attractive and interesting to me, regardless of whether they are my friends or some stranger who says hi to me. So does this mean that I'm not to have any male friends at all? It all seems a little insecure and needy to me.

 

I spoke to a professional counsellor about this, and she thought that I was handling things in a mature manner. She said that to allow him to dictate who my friends are suggests that I'll allow him to control my actions in the future, and that it's best to stand my ground right now, considering it's still early in the relationship (five months). My friends are just that.. my friends. I've had other boyfriends since F. and they were able to deal with the situation quite well without all the negativity. I'm beginning to think his jealousy is the bigger dealbreaker. I can understand some insecurity and I'm willing to reassure him, but I'm not going to let someone tell me who I can and can't spend my time with.

[sarge17]

Why dont you do your boyfriend a favor and put an end to the relationship with him. That way you can spend all the time you want with your ex without all the drama. Its a win, win situation.

[BillyJean714]

I agree with Sarge.

 

If you're not happy with the way he is, and if he's not happy with your actions, then break up with him. The fight's not worth putting up with. He's going to be him, you're going to be you.

 

Obviously, if this issue bothers him, then he DOES have a right to feel upset. If it bothers you that it bothers him and you're turned off by it, then do him the favor and leave him. You both deserve to be with people who share similar values, in terms of life, family, and relationships. If he was really close to an ex, hung out and spoke on the phone with her, I doubt that you wouldn't feel a bit at odd with it, assuming you actually care for him.

[dawn515]

Hi Candy,

 

I disagree with a lot of others on this thread as well. I think one can be good friends with an ex. In fact, I too have a good friend who was a friend before we got involved. Afterwards, we went back to being friends because that worked better for us. I have no sexual/romantic feelings for him.

 

My boyfriend is also on friendly terms with some of his exes, and I don't have a problem with it because I TRUST him.

 

As long as you aren't spending excessive amounts of time with your friend, I don't see a problem with it. You have even tried to get your bf involved, inviting him to things. It's a shame that he doesn't want to get to know the guy because that would probably help.

 

Best of luck, and I hope it works out for you.

[BillyJean714]

I disagree with anyone who thinks that her bf should have to put up with this. Why should he bend over backwards and *try* to get to know her ex? That isn't fair. He shouldn't have to. There are certain boundaries in relationships that shouldn't be messed with - this is one of them!

 

Anyway, you wanted our opinions right? Good luck..

[lady00]

I think it's fine to be friends with exes. This is more of a question of how much time you're spending with the guy. Your boyfriend should come first as far as guys in your life go. Spending lots of time alone with your sends a negative message to your bf. Friendship is fine, just don't go overboard if you want to keep your bf. It should be something you think about seriously in these terms...ask yourself "would I REALLY be comfortable with my bf and his ex doing what I'm doing?" If you've put a lof of thought into that and can say "yes," then do what you feel is appropriate and make sure you are happy with the outcome it is likely to produce.

 

I don't see any problems hanging out with your ex...in groups and out in public, why not...but if you'd rather spend a lot more time with him than your bf, that's where it starts to become a problem. I really think right now your bfs feelings should matter more than maintaining a friendship with your ex. I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends, but don't allow your actions to make your bf feel like he has competition.

[CandyKane]

Thanks for all the opinions, guys. I know most of you believe one shouldn't be friends with an ex, but I'm going to have go against the majority and say that I'm still going to be friends with my ex. There is absolutely nothing sexual there and I think my boyfriend is slowly starting to understand that. In fact, he's realizing that his jealousy is something that has permeated all of his past relationships (regardless of whether his ex-girlfriends had exes around or not) and that it's more an issue of his own insecurity and his limiting beliefs about girl/guy relationships. If not dealt with now, he'll carry it on to the next relationship. Relationships are built on trust. I only see my ex about 3 times a months compared to the five days a week I spend with my boyfriend, and I rarely, if ever, spend time alone with my ex - we have many mutual friends and tend to hang out in large groups doing very active, athletic activities. Giving up the friendship with my ex and not spending time with him means not spending time with a group of people I've been close to for the last 12 years of my life. I am very devoted and loving with my boyfriend, and when we talk about it, he KNOWS he is the most important person in my life. It's just a gut reaction that is triggered under certain situations.

 

Thanks so much for the few responses who were a little more open-minded about the situation. We're going for counselling to help figure out what his triggers are and he's going alone as well to work on his own issues. I wanted to say, however, that when you love someone, you don't just break up because there's a difference of opinion about something. Maybe you do if you don't really care about the other person or you're too stubborn to look inside yourself and see what you can do to help make things better. Often, there is a compromise that can be reached, and each person does have to take responsibility for their role in the relationship. I'm NOT responsible for managing jealousy that's unwarranted. I AM responsible for making him feel loved and important and making him my number one priority. I'm also responsible for making sure I'm trustworthy, which I am. My boyfriend and I are well on our way to making this work after a lot of discussions and hearing each other out.

 

And for the record, I have had boyfriends in the past who were friends were their exes. I made a point to get to know them because they were important to my boyfriend at the time, and although we never became very good friends, it wasn't an issue worth ending the relationship over.

[CandyKane]

I just thought this summarized what I think very succinctly:

 

"Love is not possessive. It does not try to keep you from other important relationships. A person who tries to restrict your freedom does not love despite what he or she might say. Sometimes a possessive person will say, “I am just this way because we are not yet committed,” or “because you are so beautiful.” The truth is that possessive people seldom become less so. Their hold will only increase as you permit it.

 

Love is not jealous. A person who loves you will celebrate your strengths and successes. A person who loves also applauds you when others do. They work to enhance your popularity with others. Sometimes a jealous person will say, “I am jealous of you because I love you,” or “my jealousy shows I care.” Nonsense. People are jealous for many reasons and it is never a sign of love. "

 

- from link removed

[sarge17]

When people dont know all the details of a relationship it is impossible to give the right answer. So, you respond by the statements you read. You give an honest opinion to what you read.

 

I feel there is something wrong with the relationship with your bf. All you do is make excuse after excuse of why you should hang out with your ex. This doesn't seem right. I just cant put it into words but something is not right.

 

It seems you would be making excuses of why you should not spend time with your ex out of respect to your bf, and more excuses of why you should hang with your bf instead of your ex! I think one poster had it right this is one boundary you dont cross unless there is children involved.

 

After reading this thread I'm so grateful to date a women who has respect for me and I respect her in return.

 

True love is having a genuine feeling for the happiness of your SO

[kellbell]

CandyKane,

 

I do have an open mind about the issue. I would be incrediably hurt if my BF hung out with one of his ex's and I do not have insecurity or jealousy issues. It is all about respect.

 

I may have missed it but you never mentioned anything about your circle of friends that you and your ex are a part of for the past 12 years. You just mentioned the two of you hung out and went out to dinner. I guess I am off my rocker but I would never ever dream of hanging out with any of my ex's, no matter how amicable the breakup was, let alone asking my boyfriend to make nicey-nice with them.

 

Oh well, you seem to have your mind made up and are convinced you are doing the right thing. Good luck and take care. Peace.